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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid dress.......from a supermarket! AIBU?

102 replies

Jmhirvine · 21/05/2017 18:08

So daughter asked to be bridesmaid by sis in law to be. I've been asking for weeks re dresses - my daughter is not skinny and knew we might have to buy adult dress and get it fitted (she's not huge but has a tummy) I heard via family bride was loaning cause of DD's size saying she'd ruined the theme as they didn't have dress in size to fit and now she'd have to change her choice... and said nothing as I'm not supposed to know this convo took place!

Bride was out for lunch and DD who has aspergers and is aware of weight asked for gravy chips and I got her a small portion. Comment was later made that dress would never fit if I kept feeding her crap! Dress has now been chosen and it's from a supermarket is waisted so really doesn't suit and worse looks nothing like what a bridesmaid should be in and I think there will be child guests at wedding in dressier affair.. I've said I'm happy to pay just tell me what she wants but now we're at war over dress and I really just want to say forget the whole bridesmaid thing and we'll just go as guests and have fun as I don't want DD feeling like she's huge or ruined the theme or anything would I be UR to say this?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jmhirvine · 21/05/2017 21:18

Lavei my daughter is within range of size for dress her age everywhere but her middle, she's always been solid and fits into Childs clothes normally but formal wear and dresses have always been a nightmare! I've always been paying for the dress so money isn't an issue she's just left it to the very last minute and now I feel like my DD will be in something too simple - it's a normal day dress not an occasion dress or anything and it doesn't look great in my honest opinion

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 21/05/2017 21:19

OP your SIL was bang out of order making any comment about your child's weight. It's none of her business. Making comments about what she is eating, is none of her business. She'd have gotten short shift from me. Show your dd the dress, if she likes it, just go with it. If not then either tell SIL that something else needs to be found, that you are prepared to pay for or just bow out.

On a side note, food issues with children on the spectrum can be very complex and challenging. Simply 'making the effort' to get them healthier is not so simple and quiet honestly wreaks of ignorance around ASD. Tbh going to a professional might help but I wouldn't get your hopes up. While the odd ecp can be excellent, the vast majority have no more experience or understanding of asd than some random bloke at a bus stop.

soapboxqueen · 21/05/2017 21:21

*hcp

Original poster
Jmhirvine · 21/05/2017 21:27

Just to be clear my daughter is normally in she 10 clothing and I've taken advice on weight which is to not put her on a diet she has extreme anxiety and there's a real concern of an eating disorder if the issue is forced we are maintaining her weight - it's been stable for over a year and allowing her to grow as a management strategy she swims once a week, trampolines once a week and we walk 2.5 miles twice a week she's also now signed up to junior parkrun which she can only go to once a fortnight due to contact with her dad. When looking at formal/occasion wear for kids the issue is a dress will fit in the chest and hips and is way off in the waist. I offered to buy the dress the bride originally liked and have it resized as this could've been done with a panel but this offer was refused as she said she'd changed her mind on colour... im also not snubbing supermarket dresses per say my issue is this particular one is a normal regular day dress which I would buy for day to day and I fell if she's not getting the whole bridesmaid experience and is going to feel crappy in an ill fitting non special dress would ibu to just decline keep her with me and have a fun day together or am I doing wrong to effectively stop her having this experience even if I can see an autistic meltdown over fabric, fit felling of fabric later?!?

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 21/05/2017 21:37

I'd just bow out gracefully and make sure my DC had a lovely dress to wear as a non Bridesmaid which suited her and made her happy. Talk to the bride and let her know there's no war over dresses. The key thing is your DC enjoys the wedding as do you and partner

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2017 21:37

Have you spoken to your brother about the dress? The bride is clearly not listening to you and has probably got into a strop about it, but he might be able to talk some sense into her.

The keeping her weight stable while she grows it off sounds like the most sensible thing for her. It wasnt my intention to be rude about her weight and I apologise if it came across like that. thats why I suggested small changes. I am hoping that DS will grow his weight off if we keep him stable for the next couple of years.

Original poster
Jmhirvine · 21/05/2017 21:51

I spend most of my life feeling like I'm failing, I work full time and she's so structured she'll often forget she's eaten and have to have dinner which I putting a stop to with visual aids etc. The split up of her father and I hit hard too which didn't help the weight either but on days we all get together and eat less than healthy food - not ideal but it's what we do... bride ate chicken and cheese sandwiches topped off with a large curry chip and commented on what DD was having! My problem is dad worships SIL to be and if she heard what had been said about her I'd be genuinely worried it could start dangerous self harming food related behaviour. I no idiot I know she's fat but I'm trying to do something about it. I'm so conflicted about the whole thing I wanted my daughter to feel like a princess for the day and this has made me feel like it's all going to blow up and DD will be caught in the crossfire

OP posts:
bluejelly · 21/05/2017 21:56

Aw don't beat yourself up, you aren't failing... sounds like you're doing a grand job in difficult circumstances. You are putting your daughter's feelings first - that's something to be proud of Flowers

Staypuff · 21/05/2017 22:20

You can still make your daughter feel like a princess op. Bow out of being a bridesmaid, get her a lovely dress and get you hair done together or something if you can afford it. Or spend time practising a few hair things with her as mum and daughter time.

Far better than an Ill fitting dress and stress.

BackforGood · 21/05/2017 23:01

The point remains though, that it isn't your wedding, and it is the bride's prerogative to choose the style of bridesmaid dresses. The fact you don't thing it is "princessy" enough isn't the point. The bride has chosen what you wouldn't have, but it's your job as her Mum not to let your dd know that, and to talk to her about what a special day it is going to be, how exciting to be a bridesmaid, etc., etc., not to criticise the cnoice of dress.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/05/2017 04:01

I read your last update. I understand where you're coming from. Is your dd going to be disappointed about not being a bridesmaid. If she is, I'd rethink and if not, you're totally right to bail out.

WonderLime · 22/05/2017 07:39

The bride gets the ultimate choice about the dress; not you. It's your attitude as a mother that can make her feel like a princess - the dress is irrelevant really.

If you are giving off the impression that she looks ordinary in it then she won't feel special. Instead keep telling her how beautiful she looks and let her enjoy the day. I think your daughter will end up more hurt if she's suddenly not included in the wedding because you are upset about a dress - you are then going to have to explain to your DD why she's not involved any more and I think that's going to be very difficult to do without hurting her feelings.

TittyGolightly · 22/05/2017 07:43

my granddaughter is not fat she is 8 but some clothes are age 12 her sister who is 2 is in 5/6 she is also not fat clothes these days seem to be made very small

They really aren't. Our perception of normal has changed radically though. Look at a photo of children in the 1960s and you'd probably say they were underweight. They weren't.

notmaryberry · 22/05/2017 07:50

My daughter was also in adult clothes at that age. She has learning difficulties and so disabilities. It became clear she was putting too much weight on by 12 months old but we put that down to her not crawling / walking. By 3 we were seeing a dietician. By 5 the dietician said there's no point seeing us any more as my DD has the best diet in the county. She is now 15 and weighs about 13 stone (5ft 2). We still watch what she eats and she exercises every day and we have finally managed to stop the increasing weight, but she never loses any. She looks obese. Occasionally, if we were out to eat with family or on holiday we will let her have fish and chips or even a Macdonalds (probably 5 times in her life). Myself, her sister and father are all slim. Now someone explain to me what I am doing wrong and how the fuck I am 'abusing' my daughter? Judgmental fuckers!

notmaryberry · 22/05/2017 07:57

Sorry, I went off on a rant there. For the OP, it's a shame because there are styles out there that suit the bigger sizes. I think I would probably act positive about the dress and see if my DD liked it / wanted to wear it first and then go from there. If your dd is happy then go ahead with it, if not then maybe suggest to your SIL that you either choose a new one or bow out. Either way your SIL WBU to judge what you feed your daughter.

Isetan · 22/05/2017 07:59

All the issues going on and your thread title is about a bridesmaids dress bought from a supermarket!

Your DD doesn't need to be on a diet but she does need to be active everyday and she should be eating better. With regards to healthy eating, 'it's what we do' is part of the problem. She's 8 for gods sake, the vast majority of the food that goes into her is provided by you.

Your priorities are way off.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 22/05/2017 08:00

This is really a point about a point. My just 8 year old is in size 10-11 clothes now. She looks perfectly healthy and not massive against other kids but this fact worried me. Then I did her bmi. She is WELL withing the healthy range for her age weight and height. The generalisation that all 8 year olds should fit in the same clothes is a bit bizarre.

usermcuserson · 22/05/2017 08:33

Does your daughter actually want to be a bridesmaid? I am aspie and I did it for the first time as an adult. I absolutely hated it. I did it entirely because it was important to the person I did it for. The dress felt uncomfortable and itchy, I hated having makeup on, my hair pissed me off, I detested people looking at me and I didn't feel like me at all.

Talk to your DD first and find out what she WANTS not what she thinks she should do.

usermcuserson · 22/05/2017 08:34

She's being a twat btw. She knew your DDs size when she asked. If it's an issue don't ask.

faithinthesound · 22/05/2017 08:46

There is a ten year old in my class who is almost the same height as I am, and proportionate for her height. Should I be calling child services because she happens to be tall? Should I be questioning whether she's being abused because of her genetics/the fact that she's hit her growth spurt already?

No, of course I bloody well shouldn't. Children come in a range of shapes and sizes, and the bog-standard "these clothes are for nine year olds" sizes very rarely work for a nine year old - quite often, your child is wearing smaller than their age, or larger than their age. This HAPPENS. It's not abuse, or a crime. It's NATURAL VARIANCE.

I agree with a PP who pointed out the ludicrousness of the derailment of this thread. The issue at hand here is NOT the child's size. The issue at hand here is that this bride is a grown woman who thinks it's okay to make pointed comments about a little girl's weight.

Those of you saying that the OP is setting the child up for a lifetime of weight issues - which is more likely to cause weight issues? Giving her food when she's hungry? Or making cruel comments about her body? And let us not forget that the bride is a relative - ie, someone who ostensibly loves this little girl. Funny sort of way to show love.

OP, you keep on keeping on. I see absolutely nothing with anything you've said you've done. (Except, there's nothing wrong with going cheap(er) on a dress she's going to wear once!)

NerrSnerr · 22/05/2017 08:56

It's tough, I can imagine that finding a dress to fit an 8 year old who needs adult sizes is tough because of length. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a dress from the supermarket, it's what the bride wants, you sound very snobby about where the dress comes from.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 22/05/2017 09:00

OP I'm so sorry about all the people who have judged you unfairly on here. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are doing an amazing job and it is clear that you have your daughter's needs as a priority. You're a good mum! You know what is best for her, and don't worry about anyone else. Bridezillas panic over silly things and moan. It's not personal, and just like on this thread, it's easy for her to judge. You go with your instinct.

BoredOnMatLeave · 22/05/2017 09:00

Any chance we can see the dress OP?

GoodDayToYou · 22/05/2017 09:16

I think it's weird that the bride hasn't worked with you to find a good dress for your daughter, especially if her appearance is so important to her. How do you feel about having a general chat with her or your brother about it? Sil may not realise all the implications and could be v stressed about the wedding generally. Maybe if you offer to sort it all, so taking it off her, it might help?

HeadfirstForHalos · 22/05/2017 09:20

The people on this thread suggesting that an 8 year old with Aspergers should diet for a wedding should be ashamed of themselves

Hear, hear. Same for those mentioning child abuse Angry

Op, you're not failing. I understand how difficult it is, I have 3 dc with asd, the youngest the most "affected" by it. He is 9, very tall for his age, in 13-14 clothes, has a very large bloated tummy due to digestive issues, but yes, he is overweight too, even for his height and build. He has huge sensory issues with his mouth and stomach, he loves eating, and he too forgets he has eaten, plus he doesn't register feeling full, so he always wants to eat. There's a fine line with trying to keep him healthy and not giving him anxiety related food issues , and it's really hard. He goes to trampolining lessons, plus practices at home, and we walk a lot. Working with the special school nurse we're trying to get him to grow into his weight.

For reference , my other 3 older children are rake thin , and they eat far more than him and always have!