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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid dress.......from a supermarket! AIBU?

102 replies

Jmhirvine · 21/05/2017 18:08

So daughter asked to be bridesmaid by sis in law to be. I've been asking for weeks re dresses - my daughter is not skinny and knew we might have to buy adult dress and get it fitted (she's not huge but has a tummy) I heard via family bride was loaning cause of DD's size saying she'd ruined the theme as they didn't have dress in size to fit and now she'd have to change her choice... and said nothing as I'm not supposed to know this convo took place!

Bride was out for lunch and DD who has aspergers and is aware of weight asked for gravy chips and I got her a small portion. Comment was later made that dress would never fit if I kept feeding her crap! Dress has now been chosen and it's from a supermarket is waisted so really doesn't suit and worse looks nothing like what a bridesmaid should be in and I think there will be child guests at wedding in dressier affair.. I've said I'm happy to pay just tell me what she wants but now we're at war over dress and I really just want to say forget the whole bridesmaid thing and we'll just go as guests and have fun as I don't want DD feeling like she's huge or ruined the theme or anything would I be UR to say this?!?

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 21/05/2017 19:53

I've got to agree with pp that yes the bride is being a total cow but you should be more worried about your DD weight.

When my DD was 9, not very long ago, she needed age 10-11 clothes for her height but they always needed taking in at the waist. Clothes like shorts she was wearing an age 6-7.

defineme · 21/05/2017 19:55

Those of you commenting it's child abuse to have an overweight child, do you have a child with asd? If not, you know fuck all about it. My ds1 has asd and was dangerously underweight at one point, that crap about no kid ever starved themselves doesn't apply with asd and neither does the normal advice for an overweight child.
Op, i have every sympathy for you and suggest you ignore the haters and do what ever makes your dd happy, could you have the supermarket dress altered? Ignore sil, she has no idea.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2017 19:57

Ignore the haters

FFS! WHo is "hating"? Pointing out the obvious is not being a hater at all, merely saying being as big as this child appears to be from the OPs description of the clothes required is dangerously bad for her health. ASD wont stop her suffering diabetes, heart disease or a stroke.

Yes it will be a harder job that with a NT child, but that doesnt mean it shouldnt be done.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 21/05/2017 19:58

I get that, Pyong but the Aspergers means it might not be quite as easy to make small changes as would be the case with an NT child. The abuse accusations made by some posters here are uncalled for.

carjacker1985 · 21/05/2017 20:01

The people on this thread suggesting that an 8 year old with Aspergers should diet for a wedding should be ashamed of themselves.

OP, it sounds like you're just being a snob about the dress. Why would you spend a lot of money on something that is probably only going to be worn once? Does DD like it? Is she happy to be a bridesmaid? These are the things that matter here.

RebelRogue · 21/05/2017 20:10

@carjacker1985 I wonder if rather than OP being a snob,the issue is that the dress is unflattering,cheap looking and different,which will make her DD stand out and not in a good way.

Cuppaoftea · 21/05/2017 20:11

Your SIL's being very cruel and I agree with pp who said she's trying to passively aggressively make you pull your DD out of being a bridesmaid.

I can understand why you're thinking of doing just that but if your DD was excited to be asked I'd try and find a compromise first.

Arrange to meet with your SIL and Brother together, repeat your offer to pay for another dress/alterations. Say you absolutely want the dress to fit her theme but also for your DD to be comfortable.

However if your SIL persists with her cruel comments I'd consider whether your DD might be happier spending the whole day with you rather than as part of the bridal party.

carjacker1985 · 21/05/2017 20:12

"Stand out and not in a good way." Unbelievable way to talk about an 8 year old- no wonder women grow up with such crippling insecurities.

Titling the thread about the supermarket dress and not about how SIL supposedly treated DD implies to me that this is largely based on snobbery. Supermarket bought doesn't automatically mean cheap looking- it is snobbery to think that it does.

rwalker · 21/05/2017 20:13

back to the issue have a word with the bride .just say you are worried how she will look and want her to be comfortable .could you some how get it altered buy 2 dresses and go to dress maker so fabric same as rest of bridesmaids .bride probably aware of problem but does,t know what to do .tell her you understand and that your brother pushed for her to be bridesmaid. clear the air .

tillytown · 21/05/2017 20:16

Ignore what you want, if your daughter likes the dress, then let her wear it. If she doesn't, then don't make her.

Ecureuil · 21/05/2017 20:21

her sister who is 2 is in 5/6 she is also not fat clothes these days seem to be made very small

This sounds worrying to me. My 3.5 year old, 50th centile DD is in age 3-4 clothes (some 2-3). My 50th centile 22 month old is in 18-24 month clothes (although will only buy 2-3 now so she has growing room). Clothes are not made small nowadays, and I would be worried about a 2 year old wearing aged 5-6 clothes.

OP in all honestly I would decline the invitation for your DD to be a bridesmaid (unless she's massively excited about it?). Bride sounds like a pain in the arse, and a pretty cruel one.
Nothing wrong with supermarket dresses though. We spent over 20k on our wedding but th bridesmaid dresses were cheap as chips!

ScoozMeLuv · 21/05/2017 20:22

Size 8 waist is 25 inches
Marks and spencers schoolwear age 9 waist measurement is 23.5

Not that huge a difference at all.

ParadiseCity · 21/05/2017 20:24

None of this makes ANY sense to me.

RebelRogue · 21/05/2017 20:25

@carjacker1985 I was actually meaning "painfully obvious that no thought,effort or consideration went into picking DD's compared to the other two bridesmaids". I could be completely wrong ofc. But i was definitely not shaming a child.

witsender · 21/05/2017 20:25

There are a number of issues here.

  1. The dresses. Nowt to do with you and if your daughter is happy with her dress and how she looks in it then crack on and have a lovely day.
  2. Your SIL. She sounds unpleasant. But buying cheap dresses isn't an issue, don't be a snob.
  3. Your child's size. Does she have issues with food? Wearing adult clothes at age 8 is pretty large, unless you mean she is really tall? My daughter is 7 and tall, and needs an 8 or 9 really for leg length. But that makes them too big around the waist, so she needs those tighteners. She is about the 70th centile for her age but she is muscular and lean, so to be considerably bigger would worry me.
witsender · 21/05/2017 20:26

But when she was younger despite being tall she could wear clothes much younger than her age, clothes most certainly aren't small (I find Boden a bit neater than some in fit, but still not small). Vanity sizing well and truly applies to kids' clothes as well.

GreatFuckability · 21/05/2017 20:30

Jesus.....I LOVE that the issue here isn't a GROWN WOMAN bullying and being mean about the weight of a CHILD, but the fact the child is overweight, because that is the problem here.
The child might be the fattest kid on earth, that doesn't justify commenting on her weight, or apparently deliberately trying to make an issue out of her weight.
Even if the SIL has been forced into having her as a bridesmaid, she's a CHILD. A child with special needs at that.
I'd tell her to stuff her dress, and just go as guests.

WomblingThree · 21/05/2017 20:36

ComputerUserNotTrained autism is irrelevant to the point of the thread, which was the OP moaning about supermarket dresses.

At the end of the day, it's the bride and groom's wedding, and even the least Bridezilla-ish bride is allowed to choose her bridesmaids dresses. I can't believe that people are saying the bride should change her entire theme or colour scheme for the sake of one kid. It's seriously none of the OPs business what the grown-up bridesmaids are wearing, especially if they are paying.

I have to say, this thread seems to touch on a lot of hot button issues.

lavei · 21/05/2017 20:37

Sorry, but where is the bullying?
Bride has said that she couldn't get the dress she wanted in DDs size. That's a fact, not bullying.
She told OP if she kept feeding DD crap (which is an accurate description of chips and gravy) she wouldn't fit in her dress. Again, true. If her weight is an issue and bride has just spent money on an alternative dress because DDs size meant she had to, then it is fair. I'm sure OP would be pissed off if bride waited until the week before to buy the dress, but surely DD would feel really bad if it came to the day and the dress no longer fit?

bigmouthstrikesagain · 21/05/2017 20:44

My older children have aspergers and wear clothes that are for adults or late teens. They have always needed clothes that are a couple of years (at least) ahead of their ages.

They were both over 3' tall age 2. They are not fat. Ds is skinny, dd tends to grow out then up she is currently 11 a healthy size but tall and her school skirt is age 15-16 as skirts for 11 yo are obscene on her. She along with being tall is broad shouldered and long in the body. I am having a nightmare trying to find a swimsuit as adult ones are cut for a woman not a prepubescent girl.

So unless all you concerned commentators have actually seen the ops daughter and can categorically state she is dangerously obese stop obsessing over the one detail in the op that she did not ask for help with.

shinyredbus · 21/05/2017 20:44

Yanbu in thinking relative could have been kinder with her worlds - yes, chips and gravy is crap food, however, said like 'unhealthy' or 'not good for dd' would've been easier to hear.

YABU to not address dds weight issues. She should not be using adult sized clothing. Yes, you mentioned she has Aspergers Syndrome - but isn't weight controllable with diets etc?

Good luck - I hope you find a solution for both issues.

LynetteScavo · 21/05/2017 20:45

The real point of the thread is that the DD doesn't look good in the dress.

What does the DD think? Does she want to wear the dress or would she rather not be a bridesmaid?

So what if other children wear fancier dresses. Maybe the bride wants simple dresses.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 21/05/2017 20:54

The only food ds will eat at a cafe/ restaurant is pizza (at pizza express or similar) or cheesy chips (everywhere else) somehow he is slender and extremely fit and healthy. I go to a lot of effort to get proper nutrition in him at home despite his food issues. I let him eat what he wants elsewhere. If you have a child with ASD you choose your battles and you try and keep things simple (in my experience). Op if you can speak to the bride and cone to an agreement you are both happy with that would be best, but try not to worry about the dress as long as it fits and is comfy aren't bridesmaids dresses meant to look ick to make the bride look good??

GreatFuckability · 21/05/2017 20:57

Sorry, but where is the bullying?
Bride has said that she couldn't get the dress she wanted in DDs size. That's a fact, not bullying

She moaned and bitched about the dress not fitting the child, thats mean.

She told OP if she kept feeding DD crap (which is an accurate description of chips and gravy) she wouldn't fit in her dress. Again, true

Something being accurate and true, doesn't make it any less mean-spirited and spiteful towards a child. the child has SN, my ds is currently so thin from issues related to ASD he might need tube feeding. Making an issue out of food issues like this is cruel and bullying/belittling.

If her weight is an issue and bride has just spent money on an alternative dress because DDs size meant she had to, then it is fair

its not fair to make an issue of it. just buy the dress.

Funnyonion17 · 21/05/2017 21:06

Well tbh the child's health isn't the issue here, the op didn't ask for parenting/nutritional advice. For all everyone knows she may be well be managing her daughter's weight gain fine and just treat her to some chips. Saying it's abuse is rediculous!

The SIL is a bitch, you don't ask a child to be your bridesmaid then get snotty about what she eats and fitting in the dress. A couple of my adult bridesmaids gained weight and their dresses were a tight squeeze, I wouldn't have dreamt to lecture them. Just because your a bride doesn't give you the right to control everyone and upset them.

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