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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid dress.......from a supermarket! AIBU?

102 replies

Jmhirvine · 21/05/2017 18:08

So daughter asked to be bridesmaid by sis in law to be. I've been asking for weeks re dresses - my daughter is not skinny and knew we might have to buy adult dress and get it fitted (she's not huge but has a tummy) I heard via family bride was loaning cause of DD's size saying she'd ruined the theme as they didn't have dress in size to fit and now she'd have to change her choice... and said nothing as I'm not supposed to know this convo took place!

Bride was out for lunch and DD who has aspergers and is aware of weight asked for gravy chips and I got her a small portion. Comment was later made that dress would never fit if I kept feeding her crap! Dress has now been chosen and it's from a supermarket is waisted so really doesn't suit and worse looks nothing like what a bridesmaid should be in and I think there will be child guests at wedding in dressier affair.. I've said I'm happy to pay just tell me what she wants but now we're at war over dress and I really just want to say forget the whole bridesmaid thing and we'll just go as guests and have fun as I don't want DD feeling like she's huge or ruined the theme or anything would I be UR to say this?!?

OP posts:

swimlyn · 21/05/2017 19:22

Bride was out for lunch…

Sums it up for me to be honest.

Why oh why do brides have to do this to family members? It is supposed to be a happy occasion. Bridezilla without a doubt.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 21/05/2017 19:24

I don't see a problem with you asking for the style and colour the bride wants for her bridesmaids and then paying for something yourself that will fit your dd?
You could even pay to have a dress altered.

I understand you're upset at some of the hurtful comments you've heard about your daughter. Try to separate that hurt from the actual issue at hand; the dress.
As long as your dd is happy being a bridesmaid, then don't let your resentment spoil that.

gunsandbanjos · 21/05/2017 19:25

@suzy2b a 2 year old in age 5/6 clothing is a huge warning sign! Clothes are not made small 'these days'. My daughter is 13 and wears sizes 10-12 depending on the shop.

Emphasise · 21/05/2017 19:25

Makes perfect sense to me to buy cheap bridesmaids dresses, to be worn only once.

Putting people of all shapes/sizes/ages in the same dress means it's highly unlikey to suit everyone.

An 8yo who can't wear children's clothes is very concerning imo.

Sounds like both you and bride are determined to stir things up here. Don't do it.

What does dd want to do? Do that.

CuddleAttack · 21/05/2017 19:27

Sounds like she resents that your brother insisted on DD being a bridesmaid. So she's using passive aggression to show her displeasure, and also to get/force you to back out, so it's "not her fault" and she can act the injured party.

If it wasn't this, it would be something else. She's trying to engineer your DD out. It's pretty low to use those kind of underhand tactics on a kid. She just didn't want to/feel she could say "no" to the groom.

The dress is cheap so she loses nothing when you back out.

The bitching to a third party/picking an unsuitable & cheap dress/comments re diet etc, they're just designed to make your position untenable.

pieceofpurplesky · 21/05/2017 19:28

The only thing you can do is have a talk with the bride and cut out all the middle people

Emphasise · 21/05/2017 19:28

Agree. Suzy, I've always found waists on kids clothes far too big relative to their length. Children's clothes are made big, not small ime

pinkyredrose · 21/05/2017 19:28

OP how much does your DD weigh?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2017 19:29

My dd is almost 9. I buy her age 12 clothes so she has room to grow and they will fit her next year unless she has a massive growth spurt. The age 8-9 are ridiculously short, far too narrow on the shoulders as well too small in the chest and waist. To say it's child abuse to not be in age 8 or 9 is ridiculous. My dd is at least 145 cm and that is around the 50th centile for a 10.5 year old so almost 2 years more than her actual age.

Op don't listen to unkind posters or your sil. I'm sure you're doing your best for your dd. I hope your dd will love the dress and not be upset about how it looks. At the end of the day, it is she, who matters. If you are concerned and if your budget allows, you could get one made in a very similar style and in the same colours. It is amazing what a little tweaking can do to the style of a dress to make it more flattering for the wearer.

noeffingidea · 21/05/2017 19:31

suzy2b clothes these days seem to be made very small. Really? I've found the opposite, especially supermarket clothes.
I'm sorry but I would be concerned if my children had needed clothes 2 sizes too big.

BackforGood · 21/05/2017 19:32

completely agree with Lavei's post on P1.

You are being very snobby about where she is getting the dresses from - I couldn't give two hoots where they are from, tbh. An 8 yr old in adult's clothes is not 'a bit of a tum', it really is something that needs to be addressed.

JsOtherHalf · 21/05/2017 19:32

Given the wee girl has autism, it may well be very difficult to manage her diet.

If she has any other additional needs eg epilepsy, that only adds to the mix.

Yura · 21/05/2017 19:35

@suzy2b clothes are actually substantially bigger these days than they used to be (i worked in the industry). any child that outgrows their age size in terms of width (not height!!!!) in more than one highstreet shop's range should be checked fore weight issues!

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2017 19:35

You SIL is out of order for constantly commenting on DD's size, however I cant help thinking that you are underestimating your DD's size if you think that she will need an adult sized dress in order to fit at 9 years old. That is very big, and will be affecting her health.

I would suggest that you tell SIL that either you find the dress and sort it out yourself or DD will have to pull out.

Then see your GP and get DD properly weighed and measured to find out her BMI and see if there are some small changes you can make to improve her diet and health.

Arkhamasylum · 21/05/2017 19:36

The theme of the wedding seems to be 'people should fit dresses' rather than 'dresses should fit people'. If the SIL is happy making a child feel unwanted, uncomfortable and 'wrong' so she fits in better visually with her wedding, I would seriously consider telling her that your DD won't be bridesmaid. Would your DD be upset if you pulled her out OP?

RebelRogue · 21/05/2017 19:37

Funnily enough if this was about a friend rather than a kid there would be no "feeding up", "lose weight by the wedding" and so on comments.

Maybe DD is very overweight,maybe she isn't,maybe op needs to consider altering her DD's diet,or maybe she has been trying already but DD's ASD makes it difficult. It's irrelevant to the fact that deliberately or not(giving her the benefit of the doubt) the bride is being a bit of a cow about a kid.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 21/05/2017 19:37

Well, first of all:

Does your daughter care about her dress? Because if she doesn't you're just going to make a big fuss about nothing/maybe even spoil this experience for her.

And I don't think the price of the dress matters. Bridesmaid dresses are usually worn once. And she'll grow out of it...

However. Your daughter is 8 and doesn't fit in children's clothing anymore?

Obesity is a "real" and dangerous illness. Can you take her to a doctor? See a specialised nutritionist?
Seeing as you offered to buy the dress yourself I'm going to assume things aren't too tight. I think investing the money in something like this would be better, tbh.

Good luck

Oh: And as a bridesmaid you wear whatever the bride wants you to wear. Dirndl? (I have worn that) Sure. Yellow (I looked jaundiced)? Of course. The bride's (and sometimes the groom's) opinion is what matters most. Your daughter is still young, so I wouldn't expect her to wear something she hates.

but you opinion? As long as the dress isn't offensive and age appropriate just doesn't matter.

NotHotDogMum · 21/05/2017 19:39

What does your DD want, why don't you let her decide.

It is concerning that at 8 she fits better into adult clothes, perhaps this whole bridesmaid dress issue is making that obvious to you now?

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2017 19:42

clothes these days seem to be made very small

they really are not! At least not widthwise. DD is very tall for her age and getting clothes her is a nightmare. Her body size is bang on for her age (almost 6) but she has very long legs, so getting clothes long enough for her means that they are hanging off her body, even uber cheap Primark fit her body while being too short for her legs. A 2 year old in age 5/6 clothes is overweight.

Same with the OP, unless the DD is very tall for her age and her body is in proportion, she will be significantly overweight if she needs an adult sized dress.

requestingsunshine · 21/05/2017 19:44

If your daughter is in adult clothes at age 8, then that IS a form of abuse. It's not the child's fault but you have set her up for a lifetime of hurt. This is one classic example. You might want to think about laying off the chips and gravy, buying her lunches like that is not being 'kind' to your dd it's being cruel.

Blondielongie · 21/05/2017 19:49

Ignoring the gravy and chips stuff which is another issue -

Did the bride want your dd to wear a cute little child's dress? Or a child's version of the grown-up bridesmaid's dresses?

If you wanted to get an adult sized dress and alter it, perhaps suggest she has this, and you will pay yourself to have it altered to look like the little-girl-dress the bride originally wanted for her?
I don't think yabu to have offered to have the dress altered to be more flattering.. if that's what happened.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 21/05/2017 19:49

FFS have some people missed that OP's DD has Aspergers?

ButTheBearSnoredOn · 21/05/2017 19:53

My Dd is 8 and in age 6-7. Lots of her clothes are age 5-6 and still fit. She has some tall friends who are in age 9 but to be in adult clothes is really quite big.

Nothing wrong with supermarket dresses. My dd has some beautiful dresses from Supermakets which would be more than suitable for weddings

AuldHeathen · 21/05/2017 19:53

OP, I have rtft but I don't think you've said what your daughter wants to do. If she's anything like my resident aspie (albeit a boy and a few years older), she will have an opinion and possibly a preference. If she wants to participate as a bridesmaid then you have to do what you can to facilitate that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2017 19:53

No Computer but her having ASD doesnt prevent obesity giving her long term health problems. Its why I said "some small changes" in my post. My lot are all normal height/weight except DS. He isnt massively overweight but he is overweight. He got quite upset when we got the letter from school so we sat down a made a couple of small changes to his diet that would help and that he was happy with. I realise it may not be that simple for the OP, but surely its worth the effort to help her DD to a more normal height/weight ratio?

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