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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do we tackle this?

112 replies

Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 16:56

This is not really an AIBU so apologies to the thread police Grin

It's more of a WWYD.

Been with OH 8 years two of his kids we have EOW and about half of the school holidays. I love them very much and they don't remember me not being with their dad.

I have an ok relationship with his ex which deteriorated last year after I expressed concern over the state of the house and various dubious lodgers after I visited. This has been drawn a line under but we are no longer friends.

OH and ex split up when the kids were tiny, there were a lot of explosive rows and things thrown by both parties (both have told me this) and once she threw a bottle at him and he grabbed her round the throat (I am not condoning this). He went to counselling and they split not long after (they should never have married IMO).

She has always maintained that he was abusive and she felt she was in an abusive relationship to all of her friends and family and all of her susequent partners meaning that the reception by any partners to OH is always frosty (OH is not and has never been abusive towards me).

It's come out this weekend that she has told the girls (aged 10 and 12) numerous stories about their marriage and his "abuse" towards her. A lot of these stories don't tally (one involves both girls when DSD1 was 18 months old and there are two years between them).

Considering that he is "allowed" to have the kids whatever did or did not go on in their relationship is IMO in the past, not relevant to his relationship with his kids and totally inappropriate (I think mentally abusive) to be relaying to the girls (I never ever did this to my own kids about their dad).

Problem we have is that whenever OH has tackled her over something the girls have said the girls then get into trouble (and she totally ignores whatever the issue is anyway so it's a waste of time) so he can't tackle her. DD1 in particular confides in me a lot (esp since the most recent boyfriend has moved in who she hates) and I never betray her trust as I think it's important that she has people here in our home she trusts and feels are her allies (ideally everyone in both bloody homes!).

I feel so uncomfortable about this, I suggested to the girls that they just tell her (politely) that they don't want to know but am not sure what else we can do? Nothing? Or is there something else?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 21/05/2017 23:45

yabu. stay out of it.

just because he has not been abusive to you does not mean he was not to her. Choking/grabbing by the throat is highly abusive. He's admitted it. To minimise it is victim blaming.

When children are of an age they can understand the issues then I believe they should be told the truth about domestic violence. A victim has nothing to be ashamed of and it shouldn't be brushed under the carpet.

A man who is abusive to his wife is of greater risk of being abusive to any children.

Fanciedachange17 · 21/05/2017 23:45

You should not have been the one reporting to SS. Your OH, yes, if he truly felt there were concerns. Those concerns must have been unfounded if the girls still live with their Mum.

Step mothers have a difficult job but undermining the mother in any shape or form is not for the benefit of the DSDs. Back off a bit, especially as you live so far away from her. Something is not right here. 8 years you say and yet things are still so difficult?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 23:50

He was not around when I reported it he was away for months and uncontactable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 23:51

So her throwing a bottle at him isn't abusive or domestic violence?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 23:51

And no they were not unfounded - not every child becomes a LAC when someone voices concerns.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 21/05/2017 23:56

throwing something (not necessarily hitting them as you dont say) is not in the same league at all as a man putting his hands around a womens throat and choking her.

I could never be with a man who was capable of doing that.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 23:58

I never said he choked her.

She threw a wine bottle at him and went for him, he pushed her against a wall momentarily by her neck partly in anger and partly to restrain her - both have told me the same story.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 22/05/2017 00:02

well that's a drip feed isnt it.

But regardless stay out of it.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 22/05/2017 00:04

It's not a drip feed actually - The post wasn't about domestic abuse and whether my OH is an abusive arse it was about how to best support my DSDs.

Thanks to those who have offered me helpful advice and insights Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 22/05/2017 00:05

Also now highly fucking identity I have which for obvs reasons I was trying to avoid Hmm

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 22/05/2017 00:11

Additional info to that in the initial post which can change perspective is always a drip feed. And if its not relevant or you don't want the replies to be about it then why mention the abuse in the first place.

you seem to just want to hear from people who agree with you which is never going to be the case in AIBU. so will take my leave.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 22/05/2017 00:12

Because I didn't want to drip feed!!!

OP posts:
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