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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do we tackle this?

112 replies

Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 16:56

This is not really an AIBU so apologies to the thread police Grin

It's more of a WWYD.

Been with OH 8 years two of his kids we have EOW and about half of the school holidays. I love them very much and they don't remember me not being with their dad.

I have an ok relationship with his ex which deteriorated last year after I expressed concern over the state of the house and various dubious lodgers after I visited. This has been drawn a line under but we are no longer friends.

OH and ex split up when the kids were tiny, there were a lot of explosive rows and things thrown by both parties (both have told me this) and once she threw a bottle at him and he grabbed her round the throat (I am not condoning this). He went to counselling and they split not long after (they should never have married IMO).

She has always maintained that he was abusive and she felt she was in an abusive relationship to all of her friends and family and all of her susequent partners meaning that the reception by any partners to OH is always frosty (OH is not and has never been abusive towards me).

It's come out this weekend that she has told the girls (aged 10 and 12) numerous stories about their marriage and his "abuse" towards her. A lot of these stories don't tally (one involves both girls when DSD1 was 18 months old and there are two years between them).

Considering that he is "allowed" to have the kids whatever did or did not go on in their relationship is IMO in the past, not relevant to his relationship with his kids and totally inappropriate (I think mentally abusive) to be relaying to the girls (I never ever did this to my own kids about their dad).

Problem we have is that whenever OH has tackled her over something the girls have said the girls then get into trouble (and she totally ignores whatever the issue is anyway so it's a waste of time) so he can't tackle her. DD1 in particular confides in me a lot (esp since the most recent boyfriend has moved in who she hates) and I never betray her trust as I think it's important that she has people here in our home she trusts and feels are her allies (ideally everyone in both bloody homes!).

I feel so uncomfortable about this, I suggested to the girls that they just tell her (politely) that they don't want to know but am not sure what else we can do? Nothing? Or is there something else?

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 19:37

How far is the base from their mother? Why can't he bring them to the base or get somewhere next to their mother like a b&b or something?

Schlepping those poor kids round the country every weekend sounds draining all round on everyone.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:37

Oh drives from one end of the country (Scotland) to South of England when they are then drives to the South West where our home is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:38

Omg please stop questioning me about travelling!!

OP posts:
manueltowers · 21/05/2017 19:40

Why are you with someone who has admitted to putting his hands around another woman's throat?

mumofgirlspandb · 21/05/2017 19:40

Have to agree with others OP, just because you have not seen it, doesn't make it untrue. Nor does the fact that he has had the girls unsupervised. I'm sure my ex partner has been told all the allegations made against him are lies too, or come up with stories that somehow justifies the violence...

Anyway, you can't stop her telling the children (whether you see it as the truth or not) and I would really not get into it. Personally I guess I would just stick to something vague in response, if they bring it up to you such as "relationships between grown ups don't always work out and when that happens people have have a different perspective of what goes on" and leave it there. I'm sure you want to defend your partner but you can't do that without somehow attacking the mother and that is where the girls will feel conflicted.

The children will make their own mind up in time one way or another, you'll just have to wait for it.

Also I don't know what I will tell my children if they should ask me what happened between me and their father, so outside it being the truth (or not) from the mother i can't judge her for what she has said. I would probably avoid details, but the rest I'm unsure of.

mumofgirlspandb · 21/05/2017 19:41

Sorry meant my ex's partner.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:01

I have spent evenings drinking with his ex where she has corroborated his version of events - the other version is told to other people.

In 8 years I feel I have a good measure of him, his good points and bad.

I don't tell my own children things that happened in my marriage to their father because they don't need to know everything even though they are adults now.

I agree they will vote with their feet when they are older.

DSD1 has said she would like to live with us.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 20:08

I have spent evenings drinking with his ex where she has corroborated his version of events - the other version is told to other people

She may be telling you the more sanitised version? It's hard to know why people don't always relay the facts about an abusive relationship. Maybe she feels you are good for him and doesn't want to scare you off?

mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 20:10

You have inappropriate boundaries. You and your OH. I've read some of your other threads.

Drinking with his ex picking over her relationship with your OH was inappropriate.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:11

Oh no - she would tell me everything she loved putting him down and telling everyone how awful he is - takes the light off her and her behaviour.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 20:12

Crowdblundering

But you went out on multiple evenings of drinking with her? Why?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:14

mychildren

You don't like me that's fine - but none of your comments are constructive or helpful?

I am not sure how being friends with or drinking with her is "inappropriate" surely that's between her and I and what we feel comfortable with?

Sometimes it is difficult to stop someone saying something they are determined to say it - esp when others are present.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:14

If you read the OP - you will see we were friends.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 20:16

Crowdblundering

You were friends with someone who loved putting down your DP and trying to take the light off her own behaviour? How odd.

mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 20:16

Going out drinking more than once with your OH ex who you think keeps her kids stinking and whose boyfriends you don't like whilst she slags off your OH and tells you how abusive her was towards her shows inappropriate boundaries.

I don't like or dislike you. I think you are being foolish.

biscuitmillionaire · 21/05/2017 20:17

This thread is depressing - MN at its worst. Someone posts about a particular issue and everyone piles in and snipes at her about every little thing they can nitpick.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:18

My OH goes away for long periods of time during which I do not see my DSDs.

I visited (and drank with her) once O/N in order to see my DSDs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:19

All the other tImes I was driving and therefore not drinking.

OP posts:
biscuitmillionaire · 21/05/2017 20:19

OP, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you weren't friendly with the ex you'd have people telling you to be mature for the sake of the kids. If you were friendly, you're 'odd'.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:20

I know! Grin

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 21/05/2017 20:37

Op bad form or not, I'm concerned that you're walking into a situation that is going to be harmful to you and your kids. So many red flags all over yours threads I'm not sure you've been able to connect the dots as you're too close to the situation.

I'm ex forces, my DH is ex forces. I know the drill and have been called out as duty officer to quite a few domestic violence situations. This is a big red flag.

I'm guessing your DH is infantry or a front line related profession. I'd go further and surmise he's probably had a lot of operational experience in recent years. Violence from ops spills over into domestic life, it's hard to separate the two sometimes. If he hasn't dealt with this properly then I'd suggest he gets help from SAAFA.

But it seems like you're only going to listen to what you want to hear. So I wish you good luck and just hope you stay safe.

Paddingtonbabies · 21/05/2017 20:39

Crowdblundering the facts are this;

You don't know what went on between your partner and his ex wife, you weren't there, you don't know whether he was abusive to her on more than the one occasion you mention. Her giving different stories, and him not having hit you, isn't evidence that he wasn't abusive to HER during THEIR relationship.

You cannot control what this woman says to her children. Whether you believe it to be true or not. You can only control the way YOU are with her children. Stop trying to police her.

I would suggest that you and your partner tell the children simply that the past is the past and the only thing that matters now is that their dad is there for them.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:44

He has never been front line and he has had therapy for two years to learn his triggers and to deal with his abusive childhood which I have supported him through.

His job involves mental challenges not really being in direct danger.

I was in an abusive relationship before I met him and also had counselling to get to the root of my own issues.

We have a very respectful non abusive relationship. Yes it's stressful with the kids, our living situation and the forces keeping us apart that causes rows sometimes but I am not scared of him, he doesn't abuse me mentally, physically, sexually or financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 20:45

Paddington they have both told me the same version of the story - separately.

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 20:49

In the nicest possible way. I would strongly advise you to get this deleted.