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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do we tackle this?

112 replies

Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 16:56

This is not really an AIBU so apologies to the thread police Grin

It's more of a WWYD.

Been with OH 8 years two of his kids we have EOW and about half of the school holidays. I love them very much and they don't remember me not being with their dad.

I have an ok relationship with his ex which deteriorated last year after I expressed concern over the state of the house and various dubious lodgers after I visited. This has been drawn a line under but we are no longer friends.

OH and ex split up when the kids were tiny, there were a lot of explosive rows and things thrown by both parties (both have told me this) and once she threw a bottle at him and he grabbed her round the throat (I am not condoning this). He went to counselling and they split not long after (they should never have married IMO).

She has always maintained that he was abusive and she felt she was in an abusive relationship to all of her friends and family and all of her susequent partners meaning that the reception by any partners to OH is always frosty (OH is not and has never been abusive towards me).

It's come out this weekend that she has told the girls (aged 10 and 12) numerous stories about their marriage and his "abuse" towards her. A lot of these stories don't tally (one involves both girls when DSD1 was 18 months old and there are two years between them).

Considering that he is "allowed" to have the kids whatever did or did not go on in their relationship is IMO in the past, not relevant to his relationship with his kids and totally inappropriate (I think mentally abusive) to be relaying to the girls (I never ever did this to my own kids about their dad).

Problem we have is that whenever OH has tackled her over something the girls have said the girls then get into trouble (and she totally ignores whatever the issue is anyway so it's a waste of time) so he can't tackle her. DD1 in particular confides in me a lot (esp since the most recent boyfriend has moved in who she hates) and I never betray her trust as I think it's important that she has people here in our home she trusts and feels are her allies (ideally everyone in both bloody homes!).

I feel so uncomfortable about this, I suggested to the girls that they just tell her (politely) that they don't want to know but am not sure what else we can do? Nothing? Or is there something else?

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 21/05/2017 18:44

Fact is she can tell her kids what she likes about her relationship with their father. Is it the right thing to do if it involves domestic violence? well that's another debate.

You can decide you don't like it. But you can't change or control what she does, so you're only storing up angst for yourself.

As an aside, am I right in thinking you're in a long distance relationship with your partner and that you're getting married soon? Have you actually lived together full time yet?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 18:48

Yes we have spent months at a time together.

Also what he did was wrong - but what she did (throwing something) was also wrong.

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 18:50

You sounds like you really don't like your DSD much.

ProphetOfDoom · 21/05/2017 18:51

I think whilst the girls are around you don't discuss his ex. And any texts he sends to her must be above reproach so that he can't be made to look bad. Those girls are taking the brunt of this.

It's up to you whether you and he or just he address this openly with the girls. Be clear that you don't agree with their mother's version of the past but appreciate a) it's his word against hers. b) they both made mistakes and he regrets the relationship but definitely not the girls c) you won't be joining in any slanging match with their mother - no matter what she might be saying - it's not nice for them and so long ago d) judge their dad by his actions and what they know of him e) if they ever want to talk you will listen and support them.

And then do exactly that.

mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 18:53

Also. Who moved? Your Oh or his ex?

mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 18:56

And what did your OH fall out with her over? If he hadn't said anything out of order in text it wouldn't matter that his ex showed the girls, would it? At least, now he knows she shows them, he knows to be circumspect in what he says and how he expresses himself.

But. You know. App text messages are a recorded form of communication and could be admitted in court. And read by anyone.

ProphetOfDoom · 21/05/2017 18:58

Don't blame them. They've been told so many things. And it's now a complex relationship for them especially
at home with a new bf they don't like. Understand that they've been made to have divided loyalties and feel sorry that's the position they've been put in. If you and OH are the only adults in this situation the you're going to have to act it.

Bambamrubblesmum · 21/05/2017 19:00

Okay I'm trying to give you another perspective here so I hope you take it in the spirit it's meant.

Months isn't years of day to day domestic drudgery. With all the pressures and strains that involves. You've both had space to retreat to albeit after a few months. I'd just tread carefully if I were you. Grabbing someone by the throat no matter what they've done to be provoked is very serious. You said you've been involved in domestic abuse support but supporting is different. Seeing the trigger warnings clearly when you've got a lot invested is hard. I know someone who used to do a similar role and was physically and mentally abused by her partner.

The married patch is a funny place. A lot of hot house marriages occur that are ticking time bombs. Like you said they probably never should have got married. But equally aren't you potentially walking into a similar situation? You've already mentioned on your other threads you've had to have counselling and have trust issues involving another woman.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:07

With all due respect I am not asking for advice about my relationship - and bringing up old threads is quite vascular form - yeah we have had counselling after we were both unfaithful and we have moved way past that.

I will never travel for his work to live elsewhere.

They were married for about 3 years so not that long - the whole thing was a disaster by the sounds of it with fault on both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:07

*bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:08

And I have heard both sides - from her andchim but as I say what is relevant here is the kids feeling torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:11

And thanks Prophet I totally agree with you.

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 19:12

This just has disaster written all over it.

Good luck. I have a feeling you're going to need it

kittybiscuits · 21/05/2017 19:18

Your behaviour sounds quite hypocritical OP and you do sound quite combative. You don't know what happened in your OH's previous relationship but IF she threw something at him, that in no way excuses him throttling her. If you thought that you were having a private conversation but you were in fact overheard, then you need to rethink your boundaries.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:21

Who moved is a bit irrelevant a) because I think both parents have a responsibility to make sure the children have access to a relationship with both parents until old enough to decide otherwise and b) as someone else has chosen to point out that OH is in the forces you lose your home on divorce so she moved but understandable really.

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 19:25

So she lives back where she came from and you and he live on base?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:27

No he lives where they were I live in my (now our) house and she lives elsewhere but I am not really comfortable disclosing all this tbh as not really relevant to my original post.

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 19:29

So she is still living on base? So why can't he go and stay there every other weekend and then that'll cut down the travelling and mean the kids are able to see friends etc over the weekends with their dad - it'll be more normal. They must hate being 600-odd miles from home and not able to hang out with friends, and that will get worse as they get older.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:30

FFS he lives on the base - and what has our travelling/housing arrangements got to do with my OP? Confused

OP posts:
mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 19:32

Hold on. He lives on base in your house? But his kids don't live on base, they live hundreds of miles away with their mother?

This all sounds a mess.

Trifleorbust · 21/05/2017 19:33

I feel sorry for the kids, tbh. Driving hundreds of miles EOW muat be absolutely exhausting, whichever parent is doing the driving.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:34

He lives on the base the kids live with their mother I live 150 miles from their mother.

It's a fairly normal arrangement when someone is in the forces and divorced from the mother of their children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 21/05/2017 19:35

THEY DON'T DRIVE HUNDREDS OF MILES!!!!!!

OH does.

Once he has picked them up they have a 2.5 hour journey on a Friday and the same on a Sunday!

OP posts:
MumIsRunningAMarathon · 21/05/2017 19:36

not a mess....just a bit different from the norm

mychilddoesntlookdisabled · 21/05/2017 19:36

They do the drive at least half of the time with him.

Or does he just sally up and down the country every other weekend for the crack?

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