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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed that my BF wants to use my bridesmaid dresses for her own wedding?

109 replies

Stiffanky · 20/05/2017 20:49

So my best friend is getting married next year and myself and another of her 3 bridesmaids has been round to her house today to do a bit of wedding planning. I had both of these girls as bridesmaids at my wedding nearly 4 years ago, plus my sister. Now my friend lives in her DP's large-ish house, he has a Porsche and another big car, his own business, and is generally reasonably comfortable financially.... which has left me baffled and slightly bemused with her asking me if they can use the same 3 bridesmaid dresses for her wedding as I had for mine in order to save money. So I'd wear my sister's dress, our mutual bridesmaid the same one she wore for mine and her other friend the one that the bride-to-be wore for mine. AIBU to be a bit put out about this? WWYD in this scenario? Acquiesce.... it's her day after all; or say no?

OP posts:
dairymilkmonster · 21/05/2017 06:55

My sister was the only bridesmaid I had - she has since worn her dress for another wedding ( school friend of both of us) at which she was also the only bridesmaid. They did ask me - I said it was fine, and genuinely meant it. Friend is a penniless artist who has married a usually-out-of-work actor. Probably about 10-12 people attended both weddings, 1 person noticed it was the same dress and just thought it was a great idea!
I think you need to weigh up potential damage to the relationship with your friend vs. your feeelings re the dress to make a decision. Good luck.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2017 07:00

I think this is pretty odd myself. I'd rather reduce costs in other ways. If you don't feel comfortable about this, tell her. I definitely wouldn't like it at all myself. Perhaps I'm biased because I actually made my bridesmaids dresses myself as the off the peg stuff started at £200 for something not terribly nice and Internet ordering hadn't taken off as this was last century. I wanted beautiful dresses and looking at the website your dresses are beautiful but were for your wedding. You are entitled in this situation to say no. But you would perhaps run the risk that she cuts you out as bridesmaid to save money on new dresses and/or souring the friendship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2017 07:02

How does your sister feel? After all this is her dress your friend wants to chop up to fit you.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 21/05/2017 07:02

How is this even an issue??

"3 4yr-old dresses lying unworn in various wardrobes are to be worn again'. Not exactly a scandalous headline!

What else would you do with them anyway? Give them to charity for another bride to buy??

PeanutButterBunny · 21/05/2017 07:04

YABU. Nobody would remember what your wedding looked like at all. It has been four years! Nobody gives a fuck about peoples wedding that much.

And you are supposed to be her best friend?

228agreenend · 21/05/2017 07:09

I wouldn't like it. you chose the dresses for your big day, with the emotion and planningthat went into it. Somehow, you friend borowing them cheapens your wedding.

Not sure whether cheapens is the right word.

Your gut instinct is to sayno,so say no. There are plenty of places you can get cheaper dresses.

Is this the start of her being a brizilla?

BusterGonad · 21/05/2017 07:09

I've got tbh this would annoy me. I'd understand if my friend was skint but as they have a Porsche and appear to be very well off I'd be pissed off. I think they are being stingy and there is nothing worse than people with £££ who are tight, brides maids dresses to them is to them is probably a drop in the ocean.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/05/2017 07:13

The idea is fine in principle but you gifted a dress to your sister which you would need to now ask for back and then alter it so you can't return it again. It's your sister's decision I would say, not yours as such. I'd want her opinion on it before you even think of whether you want to allow it.

ShatnersBassoon · 21/05/2017 07:29

Dresses don't become sacrosanct because they were worn at a wedding. I think it's fine for her to ask if she could use them. My friend wore my veil and crystal hair thing and my wedding shoes when she got married. She could have easily afforded to buy new ones, but she liked mine and they were just sat in a box.

You have the option of saying no if it would be an emotional strain for you to see them worn again. It seems a bit daft and unfriendly to say no simply because she could afford other ones though.

ScouseQueen · 21/05/2017 08:09

Couple of things here. First, she needs to ask all the dress owners, not just you. Second, from the sound of it, two will need altering and depending on the cut, that can be tricky and expensive. Has she thought about these things? If not it may be a non starter anyway.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 21/05/2017 08:24

I agree with invisible head would be saying it's sensible but heart would be screaming you wierd freak get your own ideas and not mine.

hellomoon · 21/05/2017 08:29

She's your best friend. If my best friend had asked to borrow my bridesmaids dresses if feel really flattered that she loved them so much and would feel quite emotional about them getting another 'run out'. But this post is not about me.... If you feel uncomfortable then you should weigh up by what degree and figure out if its worth what will probably be an uncomfortable conversation as you've alread agreed to their use. Not easy!

McTufty · 21/05/2017 08:36

I think it's odd and i would not like the idea of our bridesmaids dresses being used at another wedding. If I were a guest at both I would absolutely notice and it would be a talking point. I have never known anyone even consider this. I would probably say yes because she's my friend but I would be a bit annoyed, not because of the money but because I just wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Having said that, could there be a third way? Two Birds dresses are very expensive but the one size multi ways are sold all over the place now. I got my one size multi ways online £30 and they are just as good as the Two Birds we tried on. Big saving on the £250 for Two Birds! Could this be an option? That way she gets the colour scheme she wants without spending too much money and you don't have to lend your BM dresses!

natwebb79 · 21/05/2017 08:42

I thought you were going to say that your wedding was after hers and she'd asked to use your dresses first! That would have been cheeky. However in your situation I would be more than happy to let my best friend use them. The amount of money frittered away on one day never ceases to amaze me.

rightwhine · 21/05/2017 08:44

I wouldn't mind I don't think, but I can understand why some would.

StarHeartDiamond · 21/05/2017 08:44

Shatners- I would happily lend a good friend my wedding veil and shoes because they are usually indistinguishable, but wedding jewellery and dresses are far more personal. If they are lent out they become props and a lot of brides wouldn't want their carefully chosen wedding things to become a dressing up box for another wedding. Nothing wrong with feeling like that.

Inertia · 21/05/2017 08:45

The simple answer is that you don't have any of the dresses to lend.

One belongs to your sister, the other to mutual friend. New bride to be can obviously do what she likes with hers.

You couldn't wear your sister's dress anyway, as it's the wrong size.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2017 08:57

I think Inertia is right. Make this choice as unattractive as possible. The cost for altering secondhand dresses is also not cheap that may put her off. It could cost up to £100 to remake the dress in your size as it will most likely have to be taken apart. Doesn't she know anything about sewing? Perhaps your sister is keeping the dress for her children, ditto mutual friend? Or ripped it or sold it?..... or simply say no, create a united front with your sister, mutual friend and yourself.

TestTubeTeen · 21/05/2017 09:02

" Its not a classy suggestion is it? If she cannot afford lots of dresses just have one bridesmaid!"

This typifies everything that is wrong with our spoilt, bridezilla-led, consumer-goods-over-people society.

Are bridesmaids there because they are your family and friends supporting you, or as fashion accessories?

I hate to break it to you all but most wedding guests will not remember, far less care, what bridesmaids wore at a wedding four years ago. We are not interested in poring over your wedding pics and comparing dresses.

Surely many many people sell and buy wedding and bridesmaids frocks on eBay etc. How the hell this 'cheapens ' anyone's wedding in retrospect I can't imagine.

irregularegular · 21/05/2017 12:14

I've thought about this some more and I really think that anyone who wouldn't be happy about "their" bridesmaid dresses being worn at a good friend's wedding a few years later is really quite mean-spirited. There may be practical reasons not to do it eg the sizes may be wrong and alterations and expensive, the dresses may not be in good condition or may already have been given away/sold by the bridesmaids. But any other reasons seem to be rooted in jealousy/preciousness which isn't exactly friend-like!

louisejxxx · 21/05/2017 12:18

I think it's a good idea in theory but the big question is - who paid for the dresses the first time around? Did you pay or did everyone buy their own?

starsinyourpies · 21/05/2017 12:19

Please get over yourself and realise this is an endorsement of your great taste in bridesmaid dresses!

Original poster
Stiffanky · 21/05/2017 13:35

Irregularregular.... why would I be jealous that she wants to use the old bridesmaid dresses? Seems an odd thing to say! I can see why you might think it mean spirited and maybe it is a bit... but really, you don't need to spend your Sunday worrying about it! I was merely trying to gauge opinion on what people thought. It's not something that is concerning me massively!

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 21/05/2017 14:02

It seems a bit odd & likely it would bother me if she were usually tight & a bit of a taker, but if she's generally generous & a true friend, then I'd view it as a compliment.

I like your mums suggestion of her making a donation to charity & presumably she'll pay for the alterations.

MyheartbelongstoG · 21/05/2017 14:09

Great idea