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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed that my BF wants to use my bridesmaid dresses for her own wedding?

109 replies

Stiffanky · 20/05/2017 20:49

So my best friend is getting married next year and myself and another of her 3 bridesmaids has been round to her house today to do a bit of wedding planning. I had both of these girls as bridesmaids at my wedding nearly 4 years ago, plus my sister. Now my friend lives in her DP's large-ish house, he has a Porsche and another big car, his own business, and is generally reasonably comfortable financially.... which has left me baffled and slightly bemused with her asking me if they can use the same 3 bridesmaid dresses for her wedding as I had for mine in order to save money. So I'd wear my sister's dress, our mutual bridesmaid the same one she wore for mine and her other friend the one that the bride-to-be wore for mine. AIBU to be a bit put out about this? WWYD in this scenario? Acquiesce.... it's her day after all; or say no?

OP posts:
KoolKoala07 · 20/05/2017 21:07

I'm attending one of Dh family members wedding in October. (We wed last October) It's at the same venue, with the same photographer, using same makeup lady and suits are very similar, not sure but I suspect there will be quite a few other similarities. It does bother me, I don't really want to attend a copycat version of my wedding. I think it's pretty sad they haven't got any of their own ideas. I don't think I'd mind if it was just bm dresses aslong as that was all it was.

Trills · 20/05/2017 21:10

Most weddings are pretty formulaic TBH.

Most things that people do are not "their own ideas" - not what they would do if they had to craft a pair-bonding ceremony and celebration from scratch.

KC225 · 20/05/2017 21:15

A friend threw massive hints to borrow my wedding dress but I loathed the guy she was marrying and didn't even want to attend. I could not let my beautiful dress be part of it. 8 years later he cheated on her with his ex wife and she is up to her eyes in debt with loans and credit cards run up on sex lines.

I think I would lend bridesmaid dresses if I was happy for the couple. She bridesmaids will be different and the accessories will be different. I would be happy they would get a second outing but I understand it's entirely personal.

Original poster
Stiffanky · 20/05/2017 21:19

I'm not desperately upset about it, or anything like that. Just baffled because I know it's about saving money rather than about any concern for the environment or anything like that. Our mutual friend is a non-standard size and so high-street dresses aren't an option... so can't be done cheaply. We had Two-birds dresses which are beautiful and can be worn in different ways (so could look different) but my sister and our other friend had plus sized ones which would be too big for me. Part of me feels it's a bit unfair (that I shelled out for them but she'll get the benefit of them for nothing) but my mum's suggested that maybe she could make a donation to charity or something as a gesture. What do you think? I want to be reasonable... she's a very good friend and I certainly won't make an issue out of it, I just didn't expect it. Part of me is relieved that I won't be wearing yellow, which is how it was looking at one point! Whilst I love yellow, my colouring really doesn't suit it!

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 20/05/2017 21:23

Even if you are wealthy it doesn't mean you want to spend money when you don't have to and weddings are hideously expensive. I would suggest you see if something can be done to make them different from last time (sashes, fascinators etc) but apart from that, get over it - you can count it as a wedding present. Wink

Siwdmae · 20/05/2017 21:28

Is she promptly going to organise a hideously expensive hen do abroad?

I find the request very odd. If her colour scheme is different, is she going to dye the dresses? Will everyone fit? I think it's a bit weird to recycle bridesmaid dresses. Wedding dress, yes, they can be crazy expensive.

Trills · 20/05/2017 21:29

Why is it baffling that she wants to save money?

If she thinks these dresses are nice, and they are available, why wouldn't she think this is a sensible place to save money while still having a nice thing?

There are probably other areas in the wedding where the choice is "spend money, or don't have a nice thing" so it makes sense to save the money here

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 20/05/2017 21:29

My bridesmaids kept their dresses, and therefore they became theirs.

They have been used by them for a couple of events again, but if a friend asked me if she could use my bridesmaid dresses I would say no, purely as they are not mine....but belong to other people.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 20/05/2017 21:32

And to add to that, I was at one point looking at dyeing my wedding dress for my niece to use for her "prom" but in the end we decided against it, as she decided to go with something else, so I do not have an issue as such with re-using "special" items.

bojorojo · 20/05/2017 21:33

I thought you gave the bridesmaid dresses to the bridesmaids as well. Perhaps they have already gone to a charity shop??? Just suggest she has children as flower girls. You can kit them out cheaply!

goldangel · 20/05/2017 21:34

I wouldn't have an issue with this, think of it as a compliment she liked your dresses so much she wants the same ones at her wedding.

Popfan · 20/05/2017 21:37

If it was my lovely best friend I'd be only too happy for her to borrow them!

Motoko · 20/05/2017 21:41

What's happening to the dresses after the wedding? Will they be given back?

Stickerrocks · 20/05/2017 21:42

Just taken a look at Two Birds dresses. They are beautiful. It would be such a shame to pack the dresses away in a wardrobe never to be seen again. I couldn't tell you which colour schemes most of my family & friends had at their weddings, so I don't think it would be a talking point.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 20/05/2017 21:44

I think you should cost the alterations on the dresses.

NancyWake · 20/05/2017 21:51

I think it's a great idea.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 20/05/2017 21:53

I think it's a lovely idea. If you're actually friends then it's a lovely thing that she likes your style etc.

Maybe ask her for some £££ towards them seeing as she's saving money and they will be altered etc so no longer yours.

Good way to get some money back, be eco friendly, maybe even start a tradition between your friends of some travelling dresses!

honeylulu · 20/05/2017 21:54

It's a bit cheeky but ... a compliment to your good taste, no?

SnugglyBedSocks · 20/05/2017 22:00

As mentioned above - is she going to dye them and pay for any alterations?

irregularegular · 20/05/2017 22:04

I'd be flattered! And presumably you like the dresses since you chose them, so you get to wear a bridesmaid's dress that you like.

Presumably they are not all sitting in your wardrobe. I'm not sure they are even " yours" really. One is with the mutual bridesmaid who will wear it again. One is with the bride who will lend it to her friend. One is with your sister who presumably will be happy to give it to you.

I'm really not understanding what the problem is and am 100% sure I would be perfectly happy with it. Everyone who sees both weddings/photos will know you had them first.

Good for her for not needing to be all new and original.

KatherinaMinola · 20/05/2017 22:14

It is a bit odd but very sensible really. I'm sure most bridesmaid dresses do get reused, as they usually get given to charity shops (most people don't have use for a pink puffed-sleeve number every day).

I thought the same as PP - just make sure they're styled very differently, and that the flowers are different, and it'll be a non-issue. With bridesmaids I think a lot of the styling is in the hair, makeup, shoes and flowers anyway.

Enidblyton1 · 20/05/2017 22:29

I would take it as a compliment that she loved your dresses.
Don't feel miffed that you paid for them - that's a sunk cost anyway and it makes no difference to you if the dresses are reused. And the dresses don't officially belong to you any more - your bridesmaids are free to do what they want with them.
Are you just a bit miffed that you won't get a new dress? (I know I would be a bit!) You'll borrow your sister's dress and have to give it back to her afterwards. But realistically, when does anyone wear a bridesmaid dress again?

Original poster
Stiffanky · 20/05/2017 22:29

Snuggly.... they are too dark to be dyed. Mine was an autumn wedding and he's a summer one. They'll kind of go with her colour scheme (cornflower blue, lilac, yellow.... my dresses were aubergine) but the colour she really wants is a dark lilac / heather colour.... which we were all excited about and looking forward to wearing. Think I'm probably a bit sad to be missing out on the fun of trying and choosing other dresses but appreciate this is a minor point and no big deal. Posted to see whether I was being unreasonable (perfectly happy to accept that maybe I was) but do still think it's a bit odd. But the recycler in me (and I do hate waste) is delighted with the idea.

OP posts:
londonrach · 20/05/2017 22:30

What a lovely sensible idea. Yabu

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 20/05/2017 22:32

My BF asked if we could dye the dresses from my wedding for hers 3 years later. It would've been the perfect answer but I did a test sample and the material didn't take well to the dye