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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

356 replies

user1494949919 · 20/05/2017 17:57

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:
dimdommilpot · 20/05/2017 21:56

We had a deed of Trust written up when we bought. I put down the deposit. He put down nothing. We both equally pay the mortgage and bills now but if we split my money is protected.

JiminnyCricket · 20/05/2017 21:59

I've just asked DP if he feels like he doesn't own the house or in some way disadvantaged because my deposit money (which largely came from my parents) is ring fenced in the mortgage agreement.

He looked at me like I had 2 heads Hmm

For reference, we've been together 9 years, first house for both of us and Gerri f married next year, blissfully happy.

IT was my mum who suggested I ring fence the deposit money and i said I wasn't that bothered about it and that DP is going to be a SAHP at some point so need to protect him financially. DP then insisted we do it because it was 'my money' that wasn't setting us up nor his and he was benefitting enough by getting on the property ladder int he first place, so we did.

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 22:00

I don't think I would feel as if I owned the house - part if it would be owned by mil and would never be mine in any sense. Anymore than her house.

Do you feel the same way about the bank if you have a mortgage?

JiminnyCricket · 20/05/2017 22:00

*was

teapotter · 20/05/2017 22:10

Not sure my previous post was very clear. Here are some hypotheticals to show how it makes a difference in family decisions (similar to our situation):

Option 1, no inheritance, mutual decision DW takes paid work to increase household income, in 10 years earns professional salary. If split then DW has good income.

Option 2: shared inheritance. Mortgage decreases, household budget fine. Mutual decision for DW to not pursue career but be sahm, in 10 years DW earns a small amount in part time job. If split then DW has half of inheritance.

Option 3: inheritance for DH only. Enough money for DW to be sahm but if divorce in 10 years she is in poorer situation than option 1 or 2. Should she build a career to protect herself, even though they would both prefer her to be sahm?

I would personally hate to be thinking about option 3 and discussing it with DH.

Headofthehive55 · 20/05/2017 22:11

tnsel
Yes. it not ours until we have paid for it.

rhinorocks · 20/05/2017 22:13

Sounds sensible.

My DD is thinking of building a house in my garden. She is single at the moment. I imagine the plot would be worth £300,000 but we would never commercially sell it.

We are putting a contact in place that we will have rights to buy the house if it was to be sold (as the gardens will be shared but could be split) at a rate that reflects the original use of the garden. I don't want strangers living there if she was to marry and then divorce etc

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 22:20

Enough money for DW to be sahm but if divorce in 10 years she is in poorer situation than option 1 or 2.

She's still in a better position than option 4, which is flounce about this being a slight on her marriage, turn it down in flouncy falley outey style, then be stuck stinking all their money into renting so that by the time they potentially split there was nothing at all to split between them anyway!

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 22:23

Mortgages are generally cheaper montly than renting. So as a SAHM that = more spare money to go into pensions etc, more disposable money for her to spend on re-training/studying etc for when she rejoins the workforce when kids are older, on top of paying off equity, which would be half hers, as what they pay off is separate to the ring fensed sum.

She would be in a better position to be a SAHM than she is now with them renting!

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 22:27

Option 5, take the ringfensed money. Use the savings on renting (and other benefits of large deposit such as preferential rates) to either over pay on the mortgage to build equity or to save build up a deposit to sell house 1 and buy a second home in a few years time. Pay back MIL (or put her money into kids trust fund). house no2 is totally 50/50 OP and DH.

callmeadoctor · 20/05/2017 22:32

So disappointing when OP doesn't come back Sad

Headofthehive55 · 20/05/2017 22:35

I think offers for a deposit should be treated as carefully as offers to do childcare. Rarely ends well and can cause all sorts of obligations. Saving money is not everything!

KERALA1 · 20/05/2017 22:37

Assuming mils not expecting you to do the lions share of her care in old age considering you are nothing more than a goldddigger op?

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 22:42

Assuming mils not expecting you to do the lions share of her care in old age considering you are nothing more than a goldddigger op?

ummm think "golddigger" was the OP's language/projections, not a quote from the MIL…..

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 22:43

If the MIL thought the OP was a golddigger she wouldn't be encouraging/helping her son to go into a joint house purchase with her now would she?

Crumbs1 · 20/05/2017 22:47

You're right. When you marry he endows you with all his worldly goods. What is his is yours - regardless of the source. Either they are giving the both of you a gift, no strings attached, or they have an agreement drawn up by solicitor that means they get the money back when the house is sold. The separation of monies within a marriage is recipe for disaster.

KERALA1 · 20/05/2017 22:52

Maybe not her words tinsel but certainly implied.

Spot on crumbs.

Original poster
user1494949919 · 20/05/2017 23:14

Thanks for all the responses, its given me a lot to think about.

DH and I had a talk about the situation as it stands. He can see MILs point of view but he's not keen on the suggestions she made, and wishes she'd trust us to figure these things out for ourselves. TBH I wished that DH had been able to say that he wasn't interested in "protecting" money from me on the phone. We'd talked about it before when they first offered funds as it had been alluded to, and I thought we were on the same page.

I'd rather not have the money if it comes with conditions etc. It's just money at the end of the day, I'm don't want to get on the housing ladder at any cost.

DH will call MIL tomorrow and say thanks we'll take the money as a gift with no ringfencing (which was her option 3). We'll see how that goes...

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 20/05/2017 23:20

YANBU i would be upset with this too. I guess you can get over it if DH chooses to accept it as a gift but you'll always know she thought this. It's what DH thinks that really matters though so what was his response?

TheManeEvent · 20/05/2017 23:30

user1494949919 If I were and I was 100% confident in your marriage then I'd tell your DH to ringfence the money? What have you got to lose. You MIL is being incredibly generous, she has saved up the money for you rather than spending it on herself, why wouldn't you do the right thing and ringfence the money unless you were worried about splitting up.

At the very least you could ring fence the money for a set number of years or until the point you have children.

OwlOfBrown · 20/05/2017 23:49

I agree TheManeEvent. I can't see any reason why there would be a problem with the OP's DH protecting his inheritance unless she believes there is a very real prospect of them splitting up.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2017 00:04

There's no reason not to ring fence it, unless you're planning on splitting and taking half his assets?

SkyBluePinkToday · 21/05/2017 00:08

I have already told my DD that we will help her out when she wants to buy a house, but any help will always be structured so the money follows her and her DC, not her DP.
We have told her this early so that when she means the DP she wants to do this with she knows it is not personal.
Would be more than happy if her DP and his parents do the same.

I love and want to support her. I don't want to write a huge cheque for her future DP, whoever he is.

Neverknowing · 21/05/2017 00:17

Realistically you will contribute a lot to any house you buy together if you sign this you will get nothing if you split. You put yourself in an incredibly precarious position if you do this, you will have no claim to YOUR house, I wouldn't do it.

TinselTwins · 21/05/2017 00:26

Realistically you will contribute a lot to any house you buy together if you sign this you will get nothing if you split. You put yourself in an incredibly precarious position if you do this, you will have no claim to YOUR house, I wouldn't do it

That's not even slightly accurate. The MIL has not suggested the OP is not on the deeds or mortgage.

The only scenario where the OP gets "nothing" (if a way of ringfensing the MILs money is found) would be if the house decreased in value significantly… in which case she'ld get nothing if they don't take the money as they'ld be in negative equity