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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL wanting a Golddigger Contract signed

356 replies

user1494949919 · 20/05/2017 17:57

So DH and I are in the position where we will need to move house soon. DH's parents have long said that when we want to get on the property ladder they'll kindly gift us a deposit.

We've wanted to buy for a while, and even looked at houses and got mortgage advice many years ago but when we told PIL that we were ready to buy they wanted change our wills etc. We were OK to do so but somehow talks never really progressed and DC came along and we forgot about buying for a while.

Fast forward to now: DH asked MIL if she could give us some of the money she had saved up for him for a deposit. She replied that DH should consider two options: firstly PIL could offer a 0% loan to DH alone to "protect the money" or DH might want to consider a Deed of Trust on the house we get, she then went on to outline a several cases in which marriages had broken down and one partner had been left with nothing. MIL also said that DH didn't have to take either of these options the deposit could just be a gift If he decided but he should have a think about it.

I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to get on the property ladder, as it's so hard to save a deposit these days but AIBU to be upset at MIL mentioning divorce to DH, talking about the possibility of me "leaving him with nothing" and offering to give DH a loan to "protect the money" from me.

On one level I'm thinking she worked long and hard for the money and wants it to just go to her child, but on another it really upsets me as it feels like she's not really supporting the marriage and her request to think about divorce issues is undermining the sanctity of my marriage vows: we said "all that I have I share with you" and promised to be together for life!

I've given up work to look after our children and never thought about the personal money and earning potential I'm forfeiting. Plus I was with DH for years and was our only breadwinner for several periods during our relationship before kids. I've never been in it for money.

Personally I don't think anyone should mention the 'D' word to a happy couple - it seems like bad juju! And parents shouldn't collude to "protect" money from one spouse it changes the dynamic and the power balance of the marriage. Is it just me? Or am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:

AliceTown · 20/05/2017 20:07

Indeed. Quite apart from the fact that she risked her life to bring son's children and MIL's gc into the world. She was also the breadwinner for some time.

Ah see I don't go in for that kind of martyr thinking. I risked my life to bring my children into the world. I wasn't doing anyone a favour.

tiba · 20/05/2017 20:09

My parents gave me and EXH money for a deposit on our house back in 2010.

When we divorced, ex turned into a nasty person and it was a long slog in getting him to pay back his half of the deposit to my parents.

There was no way I was letting him keep that after profiting from the increase in value the house had already given him without him ever having to save up for his own deposit.

As much as its not nice to think about, divorce happens, and its common, and it often turns nasty. I would want to protect that too.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 20:11

And the OP has every right to ask her DH to decline the gift

She shouldn't be put in that position though. If anything the DH should decline it.

If my parents gave me money, they'd give it without suggesting how I spent it. Nor would I ever interfere in my children's marriages by telling them what to do with money I gave them.

It would be very difffent if the son were very young, not married, no kids and they didn't know if he would stay with his gf.

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 20:13

Indeed. Quite apart from the fact that she risked her life to bring son's children and MIL's gc into the world. She was also the breadwinner for some time.

BAHAHAHA
I very nearly DID lose my life having my DD, doesn't mean MIL has to spend her hard earned money on me rather than on her actual children and grandchildren.

AliceTown · 20/05/2017 20:13

And that's fine. It's your money. You can choose to specify terms or not. If you don't want to, that's great. That doesn't mean everyone else should come to the sameness conclusion, nor does it mean you are any more or less intelligent. It's just different.

Batteriesallgone · 20/05/2017 20:13

Yeah I get that Tinsel but it's still how I'd feel. I think. Anyway it didn't seem to me anyone had suggested ringfencing it for the children and I wondered if it was a good compromise. Might not be acceptable, obviously.

If I was actually in the OPs position, or the PIL's position, I'd be giving it a huge amount of thought and tbh, I suspect my attitude to the gift would depend quite a bit on the personalities involved.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 20:18

Ah see I don't go in for that kind of martyr thinking. I risked my life to bring my children into the world. I wasn't doing anyone a favour

O rly? I wasn't doing anyone a favour but I nearly died in childbirth. They're not solely my children. Were it not for my input neither sets of grandparents would have grandchildren.

BooBooBooBoo · 20/05/2017 20:19

I'd be very upset about this.

But then there is no his / hers money in our relationship at all. One of our wages pays the bills and the other is for weekly food / spending / saving etc and we both have access to all accounts and money.

I also gave DH my inheritance which was several Ks when a close relative died to let him do a course to further his career so I'd be pissed as hell if I was in this position.

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 20:19

Do people insisting that the OP wouldn't benefit from this money being used for a deposit even if it's not in her name not know how money works?

A bigger deposit would help the OP and her OH make over payments, be mortgage free sooner, buy a better property with more resale value etc. EVERYONE wins.

But sure, throw a tantrum and turn it down as suggested - that's well smart…...

AliceTown · 20/05/2017 20:20

O rly?

Yes. Really. Giving my parents and PIL a grandchild didn't enter my head when choosing to conceive. What a very strange idea.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/05/2017 20:20

YABU, it's her money and she is right to protect it. In the event of a divorce, she is correct in that she would lose at least half the money maybe more and her son may not even be able to keep the house she helped him buy.

I'd be doing the same in her shoes, although in a marriage it's far harder to protect money so she may not ultimately not be able too.

If it upsets you, don't take the money and return to work and save the deposit yourself.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 20:23

I very nearly DID lose my life having my DD, doesn't mean MIL has to spend her hard earned money on me rather than on her actual children and grandchildren.

Fuck all to do with money. It's about respecting your offspring's choice of spouse, respecting the spouse's contribution to the relationship and their contribution to your family life.

I don't want or need my MIL's money. But I deserve to be treated with the respect that I treat her. You can be sure I don't give her 'presents' and then try to dictate what she does with them.

Ylvamoon · 20/05/2017 20:23

I think it's a bit cheeky of MIL to suggest some kind of legal protection for the money. On the other hand, it's going to be a large sum and its not unheard of to draw put legal agreements for big items in case of said "d word". If nothing else, if the unthinkable happens, her son will always have a deposit for a new house...

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 20:23

Lots of marriages end in divorce and she wants to protect his inheritance in the not unlikely event. Why would you care if part of your concern isn't what you might not receive in a possible divorce? If you believe it's so unlikely then you'd laugh her off and tell him to sign it because it'll never happen.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/05/2017 20:26

TBH, given your response she's obviously a wise woman.

If you had no intention of walking away with his families money should something happen , there would be no hesitation on signing the declaration of trust or other financial paperwork protecting it.

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 20:26

I don't want or need my MIL's money. But I deserve to be treated with the respect that I treat her. You can be sure I don't give her 'presents' and then try to dictate what she does with them

it's not a "present" though - it's assistance to get a decent deal on a house! it's "help" not a "gift"

if they weren't trying to buy it probably wouldn't be on the table like a present would

zippey · 20/05/2017 20:28

Never a lender not borrower be. The lender always ends up being the bad guy. Save up the money yourself, or rent.

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 20:28

Think logically for a second here….

If the MIL saw the OPs marriage as on the rocks would she really be offering to help them to sign up to co-ownership of a home?

She obviously sees the OP as a permanant fixture otherwise she'ld not be encouraging this kind of financial commitment. Think about it.

Batteriesallgone · 20/05/2017 20:30

The impact of the money, and growth potential, impact of mortgage repayments etc, depends on the size of the gift as a % of house value Tinsel, so it's not all that clear cut. Also there is the impact in the case of the house falling in value to be considered.

As I said previously, my attitude to it would vary depending on whether it was 5% or 50%.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 20:30

Giving my parents and PIL a grandchild didn't enter my head when choosing to conceive

O rly was with regard to the dismal ' matyr' jibe.

Of course not, but that's the upshot. Your parents and PIL have the boon of gc. Which some people don't get, to their sadness. It has brought something invaluable into their family

NotQuiteJustYet · 20/05/2017 20:31

Personally, whilst I feel the wording could have been better, I agree with the principle of what they're saying.

I own a house with my ex-partner, the deposit was gifted from his family who actually took out a loan to be able to do that for us. I was loved up and super happy when we bought the house, 9 weeks later it all well and truly went to shit.

As such because no agreement was made to say that money is theirs and not mine, if I were so inclined to I could at any point start proceedings to take 'my' 50% of the equity in the house now, despite in my eyes being morally entitled to virtually none of it. Out of respect for my ex-inlaws (who are truly lovely people) I haven't and won't take any action to take any of their money.

I know how it can feel to be in your position during those kinds of talks, it's not at all comfortable but realistically no one knows what the future holds and it makes sense to protect what they will have worked hard to earn.

KickAssAngel · 20/05/2017 20:34

And let's not forget that there's a limit to how much cash one person can give to the other without it incurring tax.

Personally, if it's not given freely and without strings, it's not a gift, but a financial deal. MIL clearly does not want it to be a true gift.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/05/2017 20:34

She's looking out for her son, but she's not looking out for her grandchildren and certainly not his wife.

She is looking out for her gc's future inheritance. She has no obligation to his wife.

If you become a SAHP then you make that decision in the knowledge that you're sacrificing your earning potential. But that's a choice you make.

MIL is being sensible and pragmatic. OP is being emotional and dramatic.

They don't have to take the money. They can save up and pay their own deposit.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2017 20:34

Of course it's 'help', which technically comes in the form of a loan or a gift. In this case it's a 'gift'.

But, if you need me to be pedantic, if I were going to 'help' MIL with money, I wouldn't tell her how to spend it. In fact, we are in a comparable situation.

TinselTwins · 20/05/2017 20:35

well that's true Batteriesallgone but presumably because it's being considered it would be beneficial

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