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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can't take his money if you won't let him see his son?

103 replies

Sistersbabydaddydrama · 20/05/2017 17:47

DSis had a baby with a one night stand, they had been friends a long time but just slept together the once.

When DN came along the Bio dad and her raised as co parents, he got her a house (she was homeless) and he stayed in the spare room, did the night feeds etc.

Eventually he moved out but continued to see DN 3/4 times a week and had him every other weekend.

Then DSis got a new fella, moved him in within 1 Month of knowing him, made DN call him dad and cut off nephews real dad completely, not allowing him to see his son etc. She told him he wasn't cut out for being a dad and that DN has a better man now who would take better care of him than he could. (He fought this for 2 months then gave up - so he's a piece of shit himself for stopping trying in the first place - however he was only 22)

Anyway he keeps asking DSis now to see his son for the last 6 months or so, says he wants to take her to court etc. nephew is now 2y/o DSis says no and that her new bf will be adopting nephew eventually and dad needs to get lost basically.

The dad pays her phone bills, Sky TV bills, council tax and pays £500pm to her (he works a min wage job in retail) this was done via court he just pays what she's asked for. For what it's worth he was amazing with DN when he was in the picture, my sister had PND (undiagnosed) and didn't really bond with nephew and he really did step up. Sister also had a bad relationship with money so he ensured weekly food deliveries, clothes etc were made.

Now AIBU to be telling her she cannot keep accepting his money but deny him the right to see his child just because she wants the new man to be the dad? That if she is going to completely push him out of the picture, her new man can pay for their bills himself (she does also work)

I feel I need to support my sister but I look at my DH and think of the heartbreak it would cause him to be separated from our children and I hate it - she can't expect the bio dad to fund her son and not give him a chance to bond with him.

hard hat at the ready to be told IABU

OP posts:

Original poster

Sistersbabydaddydrama · 20/05/2017 17:50

Wasn't done via court*

OP posts:

GreenHairDontCare · 20/05/2017 17:52

Yeah she's a cunt, if it's all as you say.

He needs to man up and take her to court.

pheebo · 20/05/2017 17:52

Nope. Your sister is a selfish dickhead

Screwinthetuna · 20/05/2017 17:53

Not you a definitely not BU! She sounds like an awful person and no, he shouldn't give her money if he can't even see his own child. Poor man

OlennasWimple · 20/05/2017 17:53

FWIW she won't be able to get the new BF to adopt her son without the bio father's consent

Bio father should go to court to get access and agree maintenance properly

ScoozMeLuv · 20/05/2017 17:54

He needs to get it formally sorted through court.

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 20/05/2017 17:55

Yes he should pay maintenance and yes he should go to court in order to see his child. Two separate issues.

Mulberry72 · 20/05/2017 17:56

She's a twat, and bio Dad should absolutely take her to court.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 17:56

If hes such a great father why isn't he taking her to court?? I would fight tooth and nail for my kids!

Underthemoonlight · 20/05/2017 17:57

He needs to stop paying for her lifestyle but pay maintenance instead and use the money for a solicitor to get access

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 20/05/2017 17:57

If he takes her to court he will get contact, and if he contacts the cms they will say he is paying far too much.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 20/05/2017 17:57

Remind her her bf can't adopt without df permission!!
Tell him to stop giving her cash and use it to see a solicitor. .

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 20/05/2017 17:58

Courts do not look favourably on parents who see maintenance and contact as entwined so he should be careful there. This is his DC - he has a duty and a responsibility to support them. The contact should be sorted through through the court.

Oulavache · 20/05/2017 17:59

I think YANBU. I say this as the wife of a man who paid always but was never allowed to see his dc unless the wind was blowing in the right direction (or something equally flimsy). It has damaged their relationship irrevocably I think, dsc is mid twenties now and while they are in touch there is no ease or confidence in their relationship. He (dh) wouldn't have been nearly as involved or mature as your dn's father sounds but he did want to be involved and would have (and did) always do as suggested by dc or their mother (much like with our dc with whom he has lived for 15+years). Say it to her, she can only express her (opposing) opinion in response!

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 18:01

I always find it really bizarre how so many "fathers" can say "she stopped my access to my kids" when they aren't actually bothered at all as they do nothing about it.
Strange how its so widely accepted as an excuse.

stitchglitched · 20/05/2017 18:01

He needs to sort out proper maintenance through official channels, and take her to court for contact. She sounds utterly selfish but NRPs shouldn't stop supporting their children because of contact issues, the same way RPs aren't allowed to stop contact if the other parent won't pay support.

EC22 · 20/05/2017 18:02

Sounds unusual a court would ask someone on min wage to pay well in excess of £500 per month, how can he afford to live?

Marmalade85 · 20/05/2017 18:02

What's the delay with him going to court? The application costs £250 and he can self represent. All he needs to pay is maintenance for his child so why is he paying for Sky tv? Also the new bloke can't just adopt the child without the father's permission.

Parental alienation is a real thing and if the mother keeps denying contact, the father may get full residency of the child ordered by a judge.

WorraLiberty · 20/05/2017 18:03

If hes such a great father why isn't he taking her to court?? I would fight tooth and nail for my kids!

Because you know sometimes great fathers, don't actually have much money.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 18:04

You can represent yourself for a couple of hundred quid worraliberty surely he could find a couple of hundred quid?? As he is paying so much in maintenance apparently?

Veryflummoxed · 20/05/2017 18:04

If he's on minimum wage he probably can't afford to take her to court.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 18:06

Do you know he is actually paying her this maintenance op? Has she told you? Or is this information just coming from him?

stitchglitched · 20/05/2017 18:06

He could if he wasn't paying her sky tv and council tax bill.

Birdsgottaf1y · 20/05/2017 18:07

Well he isn't doing anything that he should be, so that is why he's not having contact and throwing money at her.

A man moves in with your child that you know nothing about and neither does the Mother and you don't go straight to court to be granted contact? He isn't a good Dad in any shape or form.

I think that if you want to be a support for either of them then you need to be focusing on the real issues, of the child's well being and emotional long term health and not just money.

thatdearoctopus · 20/05/2017 18:08

Why do you feel you must support her when she's behaving appallingly?

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