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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can't take his money if you won't let him see his son?

103 replies

Sistersbabydaddydrama · 20/05/2017 17:47

DSis had a baby with a one night stand, they had been friends a long time but just slept together the once.

When DN came along the Bio dad and her raised as co parents, he got her a house (she was homeless) and he stayed in the spare room, did the night feeds etc.

Eventually he moved out but continued to see DN 3/4 times a week and had him every other weekend.

Then DSis got a new fella, moved him in within 1 Month of knowing him, made DN call him dad and cut off nephews real dad completely, not allowing him to see his son etc. She told him he wasn't cut out for being a dad and that DN has a better man now who would take better care of him than he could. (He fought this for 2 months then gave up - so he's a piece of shit himself for stopping trying in the first place - however he was only 22)

Anyway he keeps asking DSis now to see his son for the last 6 months or so, says he wants to take her to court etc. nephew is now 2y/o DSis says no and that her new bf will be adopting nephew eventually and dad needs to get lost basically.

The dad pays her phone bills, Sky TV bills, council tax and pays £500pm to her (he works a min wage job in retail) this was done via court he just pays what she's asked for. For what it's worth he was amazing with DN when he was in the picture, my sister had PND (undiagnosed) and didn't really bond with nephew and he really did step up. Sister also had a bad relationship with money so he ensured weekly food deliveries, clothes etc were made.

Now AIBU to be telling her she cannot keep accepting his money but deny him the right to see his child just because she wants the new man to be the dad? That if she is going to completely push him out of the picture, her new man can pay for their bills himself (she does also work)

I feel I need to support my sister but I look at my DH and think of the heartbreak it would cause him to be separated from our children and I hate it - she can't expect the bio dad to fund her son and not give him a chance to bond with him.

hard hat at the ready to be told IABU

OP posts:

Birdsgottaf1y · 20/05/2017 18:10

""If he's on minimum wage he probably can't afford to take her to court.""

Yes he could have, this is a myth that is put about by Fathers that want to make all the excuses under the sun,whilst "the Bitch ex won't let him see the kids"".

A lot of the time you find out that the ex just wanted consistency. That isn't the situation in this case, but he didn't need a solicitor, if he was a hands on Carer for his Son, from Birth.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/05/2017 18:11

Absolutely not being unreasonable to think she shouldn't take his money and denies him his son!
If her new partner does adopt her son (assuming bio dad is not on the birth certificate or gives consent) she won't get another penny out of bio dad. If she splits with new partner he will legally always be the dad and he's the one she may end up having to chase via courts to pay up.
Playing dad is very different to being dad with all the financial responsibilities that come with it. Also sounds like she's getting a lot more via their arrangement than she would get via CM. She has no reason from what you've written to deny him access, and to call him a bad dad is disgusting, he pays a bunch of her entertainment costs as well as maintenance, and got her the house she's living in!

I think it's way out of order also that you called him a piece of shit, he's got her the house, paid her sky, phone and council tax bills and given £500 a month despite her kicking him out, bad mouthing him and parading some new man as his dad. Poor bloke fought for his kid, felt who knows how depressed and like it was a long up hill losing battle and no way he could win and she'd get what she wants because shes mum and automatically viewed the more important parent by so many courts when it comes to custody etc, and if he's not on the birth certificate he has zero legal rights. You have no idea how all that affected him mentally so yes, for a while he stopped fighting for access, but he's come back now he's in a better place mentally to cope with all this and is fighting as hard as he can for his little boy. Thousands of women out there can only dream of their childs bio dads caring like this man clearly does about his child despite being so young.

reallyanotherone · 20/05/2017 18:13

Because you know sometimes great fathers, don't actually have much money.

This. And you can fight tooth and nail, be awarded contact, for the mother to stop it as she chooses, then more money to go back to court- it's expensive.

O/p. Use the cms, calculate the minimum payments. Use the difference to pay for court/legal costs. Stop paying sky and anything else.

Does she know a) her bf can't adopt without permission from both biological parents, and b) if he does adopt she is no longer entitled to any maintenance of financial help.

pheebo · 20/05/2017 18:13

He isn't a piece of shit OP - your sister is 🙄

AndNowItIsSeven · 20/05/2017 18:14

If birth dad does not have PR then his consent is not required for adoption, it's up to the judge. However no sw would recommend adoption in those circumstances.

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 18:16

If he's in a min wage job how did he manage to get her a house,pay 500 a months plus sky,phone and council tax bills? Depending how much the CT is, it could very well add up to a months wage. Where does he live? What does he eat?

OnionKnight · 20/05/2017 18:17

I'm wondering this too.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 18:18

Totally agree with Birdsgottaf1y.
I was one of those women, The ex made up he was stopped access as he quite honestly couldn't be bothered, I was the evil ex according to him and his new wife of 5 minutes, a year down the line she contacted me telling me what a crap Dad he was and she realised he was lying...

You always really need to make sure you are looking at a situation like that really clearly, That you REALLY know what was going on the whole time or is it just he is better at getting people to feel sorry for him?
If he spent as much time fighting to get his kid back as he did at getting people to feel sorry for him perhaps he would be seeing his child?

ApocalypseNowt · 20/05/2017 18:20

Um, which court told him to pay £500 plus sky, council tax and phone while he's on minimum wage? Sounds odd to me. The extras would push it up to more like £700.

Just did a calc on how much child support he'd be paying on minimum wage (using rough figs of £300 wages per week, not receiving any other benefits) and it came up with £36 per week....

If he paid an appropriate amount (although £36 seems very low to me!) he'd be able to afford court.

Agree with a PP poster that seeing payments and access as linked is a bad idea.

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/05/2017 18:23

He needs to continue paying the maintenance but cancel the rest of the bills. Use that money to fight for his son.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 18:30

I also don't get why him being only 22 at the time is another excuse as to why he hasn't bothered? You either care or you don't doesn't matter how old you are.

hoddtastic · 20/05/2017 18:37

The maths is wrong, how much else of this story have you got wrong OP?

hoddtastic · 20/05/2017 18:38

and 'you really don't like your sister do you?'

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 18:43

Oh and to answer te question in the title. YABU . Children are not pay per view. Maintenance and contact are completely separate issues.

Toysaurus · 20/05/2017 18:45

Actually, I've seen a man for fighting through the courts for access to his child because the mum wouldn't let him see her - for no good reason. she's genuinely not the best. It cost him thousands and It was brutal. She wouldn't let him see her and yes she was such a shit mum that social services removed the child from her in the end. It was all money, time and effor that could have been spent on the child.

G1ggleloop · 20/05/2017 18:51

It's also possible to fight for access in court, armed with recommendations from social services that he be given residency, and to still be denied access to your child. The mother failed to appear on each occasion and the courts were unwilling to step in to force her to allow access. It's not always just a case of finding a couple of hundred pounds.

Toysaurus · 20/05/2017 18:55

Yes as above. Mum would feed sob stories to Judge about non attendance but in reality was sat in pub laughing about it.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 18:55

Toysaurus but he hasnt gone to court has he, HE can't be bothered.
I also think the court order is absolute rubbish. From him being on minimum wage and paying £500 per month let alone him also paying her sky bills and council tax.
Absolute rubbish

Veryflummoxed · 20/05/2017 18:57

Children are not pay per view. Maintenance and contact are completely separate issues.
Yes to this. However I don't think it would be unreasonable of him to stop paying her sky and phone.

Veryflummoxed · 20/05/2017 19:00

Op didn't say that the court ordered £500 plus sky and phone. Or at least she did, but amended it in a post immediately afterwards to say this was not court ordered but was what her sister asked for and he agreed to it.

reallyanotherone · 20/05/2017 19:06

If a mother refuses access there are rarely consequences- imprisoning a child's primary carer is hardly beneficial.

So court orders are all but unenforceable, at least in the first instance. it's still down to the mother to allow contact.

Court is an intimidating prospect for many people. The idea that you could spend all that money, be successful in court, and still not get to see the child is what puts many off.

MrsTeller · 20/05/2017 19:11

He needs to go to CMS to have maintenance properly calculated and pay what they tell him to, and then take legal action to get access, two separate things.

FWIW I don't believe for a minute he's paying what you've said.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 19:12

Could you really be "put off" gaining access to your child?
I couldn't the love is to strong I would stand in a court I would go anywhere if it meant I would get a chance to see them, I guess some people the love jut isn't that strong.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2017 19:16

To those saying that they would fight tooth and nail, he is still asking to see his child.

I suspect that he has been to a solicitor and they have filled his head with how much money it would go to court, because even if he wins the courts will do nothing to make her uphold her end to the court's decision.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/05/2017 19:16

If you've got the details right she's a bitch and he's a doormat.

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