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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't take his money if you won't let him see his son?

103 replies

Sistersbabydaddydrama · 20/05/2017 17:47

DSis had a baby with a one night stand, they had been friends a long time but just slept together the once.

When DN came along the Bio dad and her raised as co parents, he got her a house (she was homeless) and he stayed in the spare room, did the night feeds etc.

Eventually he moved out but continued to see DN 3/4 times a week and had him every other weekend.

Then DSis got a new fella, moved him in within 1 Month of knowing him, made DN call him dad and cut off nephews real dad completely, not allowing him to see his son etc. She told him he wasn't cut out for being a dad and that DN has a better man now who would take better care of him than he could. (He fought this for 2 months then gave up - so he's a piece of shit himself for stopping trying in the first place - however he was only 22)

Anyway he keeps asking DSis now to see his son for the last 6 months or so, says he wants to take her to court etc. nephew is now 2y/o DSis says no and that her new bf will be adopting nephew eventually and dad needs to get lost basically.

The dad pays her phone bills, Sky TV bills, council tax and pays £500pm to her (he works a min wage job in retail) this was done via court he just pays what she's asked for. For what it's worth he was amazing with DN when he was in the picture, my sister had PND (undiagnosed) and didn't really bond with nephew and he really did step up. Sister also had a bad relationship with money so he ensured weekly food deliveries, clothes etc were made.

Now AIBU to be telling her she cannot keep accepting his money but deny him the right to see his child just because she wants the new man to be the dad? That if she is going to completely push him out of the picture, her new man can pay for their bills himself (she does also work)

I feel I need to support my sister but I look at my DH and think of the heartbreak it would cause him to be separated from our children and I hate it - she can't expect the bio dad to fund her son and not give him a chance to bond with him.

hard hat at the ready to be told IABU

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2017 19:17

Lottie991

have you ever had to go to court for your child?

I have seen many men fight the good fight and be reduced to mentally broken sobbing wrecks due to the stress that it causes.

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 19:18

@Veryflummoxed of course not. I don't think in many cases paying the minimum is ok,but he shouldn't starve himself either. However the numbers don't quite add up for me..

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 19:18

That will be me boneybackjefferson he wasn't though was he? He stopped seeing him because he couldn't be bothered, you cant keep coming back in and out of a child's life, You are either there or you are not..

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2017 19:20

Lottie

the OP has said that he is still asking to see his child. he hasn't given up.

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 19:20

@reallyanotherone and on the other hand you have mothers forced to send they're unwilling kids to contact,or send them knowingly with an abuser because if they don't they have been threatened with removal of custody for being obstructive and emotionally damaging the children.

There are shit parents on both side. There are shit and dangerous court decisions on both sides.

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 19:20

But he did boneybackjefferson she said that also... As I previously stated..

AyeAmarok · 20/05/2017 19:24

Interesting.

Minimum wage is, what, £1000 a month net?

He must be living on fresh air if he's paying £500 plus all those extras like Sky, council tax and groceries.

Don't buy it, sorry.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2017 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GreenHairDontCare · 20/05/2017 19:27

The OP quite clearly corrects her mistype about court in the second post.

IT WAS NOT COURT ORDERED.

rwalker · 20/05/2017 19:31

fight for access 2 of my friends have been practicly broken over this. the court system is completely basis towards the mother . in this day and age the deciding factors should be welfare and safety of the child only and mother and farther equal rights

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 19:32

Btw how was DN calling the other man dad(and the mum demanding it now) if the kid is only two now,dad asked for contact 6 months before this and the "demand" happened before that?

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 19:33

Couldn't agree more boneybackjefferson

Lottie991 · 20/05/2017 19:36

Is it really that bias towards mothers though or was there more to the story?
Only one of my ex's went to court got contact no problem, and another person I know her child complained her dad was abusing her and she was still told she had to take her to contact!?

JuicyStrawberry · 20/05/2017 19:37

He should stop paying her bills and as someone up thread said, her lifestyle. And just pay her the maintenance set by the CMS. No way should he be paying her sky bill and phone bill! Council tax for her home is also her (and her beloved amazing boyfriend's) responsibility. Why can't he pay her bills for her??

Original poster
Sistersbabydaddydrama · 20/05/2017 19:43

Sorry for delay my house is a mad house today. Sorry I didn't realise I had to elaborate on everything for people to believe that I'm not making up a story about my sister Hmm it was not court ordered as I said it was requested by her and he pays it - this is what she has told me NOT him. She also said about the phone sky etc as she said he still pays it from when they lived together. He did not BUY her a house, he rented her one as she couldn't with a crappy credit rating. When he moved out, he moved back to his mums house and continued to support her. He has not complained about the money to me, I haven't spoken to him really since but a few months ago he also contacted me via Facebook to ask for my help and that he really wants his relationship back with nephew. Nephew was about 6 months old when new fella was introduced. She moved him in after a month and referred to him as dad - no my nephew was not a child prodejy who started speaking at 6mo but since he could talk he has called him dad. The dad was told to eff of, fought it for a few months but in reality hasn't seen nephew since he was 6 m/o. For around a year he hasn't been in the picture, 6 months ago he contacted my sister trying contact and is still trying to see his son. He has spoken to a solicitor who has advised him of the cost and its not feisable for him which is why he came to me. My sister has told him he is useless, hasn't got a proper job etc he will never stand a chance at custody. I've mentioned it to my sister before who basically says I should keep my nose out

OP posts:
Original poster
Sistersbabydaddydrama · 20/05/2017 19:44

Also he continues paying what she asks as he thinks if he stops and goes through CMS he will never have any hope of seeing his son

OP posts:
JuicyStrawberry · 20/05/2017 19:46

He needs to go through court. She can't control him and blackmail him like this.

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 19:48

Once again payment and contact are unrelated.
If you want to give him advice tell him to stop paying the extras and save the money for court. If bills etc are still in his name and/or has proof of what has paid he can use that if it gets brought up.

roundaboutthetown · 20/05/2017 19:52

Your sister sounds appalling, self-centred, greedy and selfish.

roundaboutthetown · 20/05/2017 19:54

And I would add abusive to that, too.

AliCat36 · 20/05/2017 19:57

Credit to him for continuing to pay however much he's been paying. Many men wouldn't pay if not having contact even though as pp said they are separate issues. Many men won't pay even if they do see the children!

He doesn't need lots of money to go to court, just a £215 fee to issue his application (he might not even have to pay that depending on his income). The idea of it costing thousands is not right, he doesn't need a solicitor and can do it himself. Lots of people do especially now it's so difficult to get legal aid. Some solicitors might not tell him that but most that I know would explain the options. From my experience the court is likely to be sympathetic to him and try to get contact up and running. Nothing to stop him getting the form and filling it in,the sooner the better.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/05/2017 19:58

If I was him I would stop paying maintenance and divert the cash to a lawyer.

In the meantime his other 'daddy' can support him financially!

No chance of adoption either as birth father has to agree to it - if he did he would no longer be required to pay maintenance for the child! Your sister probably doesn't know that though

ApocalypseNowt · 20/05/2017 20:02

Very Ah that makes more sense. Missed the second bit.

Still shows the disparity between what he's paying and what he might be ordered to. That money could have been used to fight for access.

Still all sounds a bit weird to me

Dumbo412 · 20/05/2017 20:07

She is a cut, and he is a mug. Your poor nephew.
Daddy needs to man up and put your bitch sister in his place. If it's all as it seems he should be going for full custody. Can't even get a flipping food shop in for herself and says he isn't fit to be a father?

If you want to get involved. Tell her some home truths.

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 20:19

Tbh the cynic in me wonders if OP is really the sister or another (involved) party.