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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DF needs to stop going on dates for free food?

125 replies

SayHelloDoris · 20/05/2017 11:07

Bit of background info...

Friend is newly single by about 4 weeks. Recently she's starting going on dates to have dinners. She set up an online dating profile, is completely truthful with photos and descriptions etc.

She always meets with the ones offering dinner. She's also very good at sussing if they're going to pay, and will find this out quite accurately in a discrete/non direct way.

I originally thought it was a fab idea Until I realised these men might be quite saddened to realise she doesn't want to see them again - She is beautiful and holds great conversations. Who wouldn't want to see her again?!

As by to say she isn't being fair? She knows I'm posting on Mumsnet and thinks over ladies will back her up

OP posts:

kali110 · 20/05/2017 18:54

hope she falls head over heels for one of these men and then finds out he was just using her for dating practice.
Yes.
biscuit
I think she is selling herself for food in a way.

Squeegle · 20/05/2017 18:59

Err.. biscuity, the fact that someone is paying for her meal in exchange for her company means that she is selling herself! The fact that it's not money being handed over doesn't change that.

Original poster

SayHelloDoris · 20/05/2017 20:23

Quite a few replies, sorry, I've been at a Communion all day.

I don't think she's selling herself at all - These men would have to know they're effectively buying her time for that to ring true. She's just deceiving them.

I want to say it's a confidence thing but she's fabulous, looks stunning always and is really great to be around. She really does light up the room with confidence. I know people are thinking what bull but she's proved herself in lots of business situations through very thick confidence. It's not an act.

OP posts:

Mustang27 · 20/05/2017 20:50

I don't understand all the hate for this woman!! I know plenty of blokes and a few ladies that use ppl for a quick shag and then throw them away that's far more heart breaking imo. You really have invested a part of yourself at that point. Going for dinner with someone then not going again is really no big deal.

Dishonest but Christ there are worse things to do.

I'm a 50/50 person but I really don't see a problem with wanting to be looked after. I wish I had done it when I was dating.

WaitingYetAgain · 20/05/2017 21:36

FWIW I certainly don't hate the lady. Hate is a strong word to use. I just don't like her behaviour and feel sorry for the men who are going on dates with her on the basis of her looking for a relationship like they are doing.

Going for dinner with someone then not going again is really no big deal.

Most people dating are going on dates to meet someone for the longer-term. If a person goes on a date with that intention and they don't get on/click, then it's normal and fine to not go out again.

The OPs friend reportedly is dating just because she wants a free meal/night out. The man in question seems of no import to her, other than acting as a prop to sit at the table and to get his wallet out at the end. Her intentions are quite different to the majority of daters, and it seems that she has no intention of seeing any man again... So she is being dishonest/deceptive. She's not dating.

I find this - I know plenty of blokes and a few ladies that use ppl for a quick shag and then throw them away that's far more heart breaking imo. - equally repugnant. So I am not sure how helpful that comparison is. At least with the shaggers, the person they go on the date with has a chance to understand their intention. For example, the person can wait for multiple dates until having sex and thus weed out the quick shags. Whereas, with the meal ticket lady, it's much harder to weed out as the first date is the scam.

GrandDesespoir · 20/05/2017 21:45

Well, she does see it as them getting experience of getting out there any meeting new women, she even sees it as a confidence boost for them so they have some dates under their belt before meeting a potential sincere date.

How very patronising and arrogant of her. Excuse my vitriol, but one wastes enough time on OLD without this sort of caper.

If she saw it as a way of her dipping her toe in the water and had an open mind about going for a second date that might be excusable, but to frame being wined and dined by an unsuspecting bloke as some sort of philanthropy is heinous.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 21:56

t's not an act

It is, I'm sorry. No one self confident, happy and secure regularly spends an evening with a stranger who they are not interested in or has no interest in them for free food and drinks. Something is lacking, either the men don't want to see her again and she is lying, or she needs the confidence boost and is picking desperate men, or she has no social life and needs to do this to fill a hole.

Any confident fullfilled happy women doesn't spend the evening with random strangers for free food and drink. So whatever act she is putting on, it's just that, an act and as her friend you could try to understand what is wrong and help her get to a place where she no longer needs to do this.

To contextualise, I wouldn't do this. Because I have friends, a social life, I'm happy and secure, I don't need to spend the evening with a random man I find on the internet buying me food and drink to make me happy. The simple fact she does this shows she has significant problems and I'd assume a key one is low self esteem. 💐

Mummmy2017 · 20/05/2017 22:21

I don't think I have laughed so much in ages as all you lot calling this woman names for wanting a man who has enough old fashioned self respect to want to invite someone out for a meal and pay for it.

This woman, as someone said has her wish list of what she would like in a man, and someone who WON'T willing pay for a meal for her is someone she doesn't think she would fancy, In going on these 1st dates is she not sparing the men who want her to pay half wasting their time.

This is not about you, and how you feel, good on you if your need to be treated and seen as an equal is number one on your wish list, because the very fact we all require different things from a mate is the reason life is so interesting, give me an old fashion gentleman everytime.

justnowords · 20/05/2017 22:29

Meh, I just cant get worked up about this. She may say she is not looking for a relationship but if one of her dinner dates turned out to be her ideal partner and soulmate id bet my first born that she would agree to a second date. As for men paying for dinner, no one is forcing them. If any man thinks that paying for dinner somehow guarantees or entitles them to a relationship then they are foolish dicks and probably not worth a second date anyway.

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 22:31

Mummy; an old fashioned gentleman isn't going to want a woman who uses men to get a free meal. The point isn't about paying, it's about the fact that she is pretending to be interested in men to get a free meal. She is meeting these men on the false premise that she's looking for a relationship and using them for free food. Which is weird, sad, cheap, manipulative and deceptive.

kali110 · 20/05/2017 22:38

Mummmy2017
What crap! She's not weeding out certain men, she's doing it to get a free meal!
What a lovely spin there

worridmum · 20/05/2017 23:10

by that arguement you could attempt to justifiy the gender pay gap because men have to pay more for their social life because they should be paying for the dates (most people think the first few anyway in my experence anyway)

Funnyfarmer · 20/05/2017 23:15

I used to love going on dates when I was single. I would go knowing full well I would never see them again. I just loved getting dressed up and going out and being treated nicely. And the food.

Funnyfarmer · 20/05/2017 23:23

I was never dishonest. I told them I wasn't looking for a relationship just wanted a bit of no strings fun. I did have fun too. No strings. Sometimes I think there interpretation of "fun may have differed from mine

Guepe · 20/05/2017 23:39

If she genuinely is just exploiting other people's loneliness to get some free food, then she's an abysmal human being.

Mummmy2017 · 21/05/2017 14:50

She is single, and it's allowed, sorry but these men on POF are not stupid they know the score, and any bloke who things a free meal entitles them to a 2nd date or bed is a fool.

If she clicks with a man, bet she would go on a 2nd date...

Any buy your shouting me down, about nothing is for free that means loads on here are already selling themselves for cash,, it's called a job.

TheNaze73 · 21/05/2017 15:09

This is no different to people feigning interest for a fuck.
She certainly isn't the first & won't be the last. Each to their own

Snotgobbler99 · 21/05/2017 16:32

Meh...As for men paying for dinner, no one is forcing them. If any man thinks that paying for dinner somehow guarantees or entitles them to a relationship then they are foolish dicks and probably not worth a second date anyway.

That's the point. Some of these men are desperate, lonely and foolish and she's taking advantage of them. If she's as dazzling as the OP suggests, then I suspect many of the men will be overwhelmed and at a loss as to understand what's happened. They won't be grateful for her demonstration of superior social skills nor will it be of any benefit to them if she fails to pass these skills on - which she won't.

It's dishonest and deceitful with a dash of unwarranted superiority thrown in. I wouldn't want anything to do with her as a friend, OP.

As an aside, to anyone using OLD. Don't ever do a meal as a first date - it's too expensive and it lasts too long if you aren't well matched. Go for a coffee, have a walk in the park. Better still, choose an activity which involves you both and drives the conversation. Whatever you do keep it short and simple, anything else is likely to fail...

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/05/2017 17:31

Mummmy2017

Any buy your shouting me down, about nothing is for free that means loads on here are already selling themselves for cash,, it's called a job.

Not really similar. But I suspect that you can justify any fraudulent action if you try hard enough

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2017 17:36

Any buy your shouting me down, about nothing is for free that means loads on here are already selling themselves for cash,, it's called a job

Huh? You compare working and getting paid for it to exploiting men's loneliness and getting them to pay for your food under the deception you're open to a realationshp? You think it's a the same thing and all "work"? What a bizzare mind set.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 21/05/2017 19:10

What your friend is doing to these poor fellas is extremely cruel and heartless if she's newly single she needs to get off dating sites and spend some time on her own not be stringing fellas along just to get free food. I have used dating sites in the past and that's how I met my boyfriend but I would never dream of using a dating site the way your friend is.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/05/2017 19:12

I used to do something similar - they bought me a meal, I shagged them at the end of the evening - until I realised it was less boring to go out, pick up a randomer and shag them, far more time efficient

Funnyfarmer · 21/05/2017 21:50

Each to their own suppose

justnowords · 22/05/2017 14:43

Some of these men are desperate, lonely and foolish and she's taking advantage of them If they are that "vulnerable" then they shouldnt be OLD and consider themselves lucky that all they have 'lost' is half the cost of a meal (in which they have gained a few hours companionship in return). Im just not seeing any victims here. Now if she enticed them into sexual relations on the pretence of a ltr then dumped them first thing the next morning, I could maybe have a little sympathy, but again, its a well known danger of OLD.

kali110 · 22/05/2017 15:15

If they are that "vulnerable" then they shouldnt be OLD and consider themselves lucky that all they
So they shoulnt be old?
They go on a date hoping to find someone and instead meet
This woman who is only using them fora free meal, yet its them who shouldn't be old?

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