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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Egg donation

73 replies

LovelyBath77 · 19/05/2017 19:31

SIL had this. I saw today a leaflet. Asking for egg donors, saying the child can contact them at age 18.

Do the parents have to tell the child they are conceived through egg donation?

OP posts:

JigglyTuff · 19/05/2017 19:32

No, parents don't have to but it's pretty shitty to lie to your children

Trifleorbust · 19/05/2017 19:35

No. The baby is legally yours and you don't have to tell them. I am not 100% sure whether I would or not, I think it would depend on the child.

JigglyTuff · 19/05/2017 19:40

What the HFEA legislation means is that any child born from donated games can contact their biological parent. Obviously if your child never knows that you used an egg donor, then they won't contact them. No one forces you to do the right thing though. It's down to your own conscience and moral compass.

TeenAndTween · 19/05/2017 19:46

You should tell your child if they are born as a result of egg, sperm or embryo donation (or adoption, or if 'dad' is really step-dad).
Truth will out.
Imagine being 55 and your dotty aunt says 'of course your DM was delight to receive that strangers eggs so you could be born' and then all of a sudden your 55 years have been based on deceit.

TeenAndTween · 19/05/2017 19:47

You have to bring the child up 'knowing'. No big reveal, just dripped in from a very early age (pre 3)

TeenAndTween · 19/05/2017 19:50

Plus of course there is genetic medical history - you don't want someone to be lieing to doctors.

runloganrun101 · 19/05/2017 21:28

You don't have to do anything. It all depends on how you feel as the parent. I'm considering egg donation right now and tbh I don't think I'd ever tell anyone except DH not even the child. If they're loved and wanted what does it even matter?

TeenAndTween · 19/05/2017 21:51

run If you don't think it matters why wouldn't you tell your child?

It is lying by omission. The lying is the thing that matters. They won't mind if they grow up knowing. They are much more likely to mind if it ever comes out later. Read articles around people who didn't find out they were adopted until they were an adult, it can destroy relationships.

fabulous01 · 19/05/2017 22:21

My miracle babies are through egg donation
I will tell them when they are older but I feel very blessed that someone gave me a stranger the best gift ever.....

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/05/2017 22:28

There's no legal obligation to tell. But it's a nice thing. Lots of donors write nice messages that the child can read when they're 18.

LadyCassandra · 19/05/2017 22:33

I donated to a family member, we all had counselling in the run up and were strongly advised to tell the resulting child, and any related children (ie mine) as early as possible. My children know that * didn't have any eggs to make a baby so mummy gave her some. Child born has a really great book called "The Pea that was Me" and they know the lady in the book is me. We were told it would/could be very damaging if child found out in teens.

innitprawn · 19/05/2017 22:55

What about future health issues relating to DNA?

It's pretty plausible it could come out one day through even police or crime?

I don't know I think if you keep it A secret you'll get found out and it won't be pretty

KC225 · 20/05/2017 00:05

Seriously, who would tell a 'dotty aunt' over the child. I imagine if you are not telling the child you aren't going to be putting it in the Christmas round robin to the relatives.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/05/2017 01:08

Id just like to point out that in egg donation the biological mother is in fact the woman who gives birth not the egg donor.

The donor is the genetic mother. But even then its not cut and dried as new research has shown that the pregnant mother passes on her own genetic material and influences the genes. 3 parents if you will.

it's fascinating stuff if you read up on it.

AndNowItIsSeven · 20/05/2017 01:32

As someone who was adopted as a child I am horrified people would not tell the child the truth about their biological parent.
It is very selfish and not putting any child first at all.

AndNowItIsSeven · 20/05/2017 01:33

Sorry genetic mother.

selsigfach · 20/05/2017 06:18

KCC25 - I think you've misunderstood. Think about it: you're in your 30s and TTC but failing, you cry on your sister's shoulder. She at that point is also 30-something and compus mentus. You sign up for egg donation, get a BFP and swear her and your parents to secrecy. Then 50-odd years later Auntie Sue, now dotty and in her 80s, lets slip.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/05/2017 06:54

I think it really is more subjective to a specific family if telling the child is the right thing or not.
Egg donation/surrogacy i think is also very different to adoption.
With egg donation or surrogacy the baby is planned, and very much wanted, and a second woman simply aids in that happening by providing an egg and/or womb. The baby is, and always was, the planned and wanted child of the woman who simply couldn't use her own eggs and/or womb so in my opinion it is 100% her baby, regardless of if it was her egg but she didn't carry the baby, it wasn't her egg but she did carry the baby, or it wasn't her egg or her womb but was still a planned for baby. Assuming the egg donor/surrogate isn't a family member or close friend or someone who is going to feature in the babys life, i don't think the child really does need to know they weren't a typical conception. Even if it is a friend or family member who donated the egg i think it's better to just let the child think/believe they were a typical conception and it not be spoken of openly that donation happened. Only if there was a friend/family member act as surrogate who had their own children who were old enough to notice their mum had a baby and gave it to someone else should it be open knowledge.

With adoption i'm more 50-50 on telling the child. The fact is, a child who knows they were put up for adoption is basically being told they were an accident, who was either not wanted by their birth parents, or who wasn't able to be kept. A baby that was wanted and planned is very very unlikely to end up being put up for adoption. That alone could cause emotional damage regardless of knowing they were loved and wanted enough by 2 strangers to be adopted.
The only reason i'm 50-50 and not 100% against telling an adopted child they were adopted is because there may be biological family they could still have a relationship with, and i think it is an important connection.

pinkandorangeroses · 20/05/2017 07:01

Yes well anyway, the dotty aunt is a bit of a red herring and it's soap opera stuff, along with 'the knock on the door' that's ALWAYS mentioned on these threads.

As with most things, the bigger palava you make out of something will mean a big drama for your child too. Matter of fact, simple and no problem. Usually.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/05/2017 07:26

A baby that was wanted and planned is very very unlikely to end up being put up for adoption.

That is, unfortunately, not true at all.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 20/05/2017 07:57

What a difficult thing! They have told family so pretty sure they will tell the child as well. It must be a tricky thing for a young child to get their head around..

OP posts:

JigglyTuff · 20/05/2017 08:59

It's not a tricky thing for a young child to get their head around at all. If they grow up knowing their origins from the outset, there is no need for drama - actually all it demonstrates is how badly wanted they were.

Withholding information from another human being about their genetic origins is wrong.

TeenAndTween · 20/05/2017 09:46

I agree with jiggly not a difficult thing for a child to get their head round if presented with age appropriate language early enough so that it is always 'known'.

When a baby is made it needs an egg from the mum and seed from the dad. I'm not very good at making eggs so we were given one by another lady and then I grew you in my tummy. Repeat in different ways from 2/2.5 until child old enough to ask for more details.

You start so young so the adult can practice saying the words out loud before the child really understands the implications. And so the child always knows. Otherwise what is the right age? 5, 8, 12, 18? People who put it off tend to keep finding excuses.

As well as dotty aunt (which from reading adoption boards does happen), what about clearing out parents' house after their death. Come across a letter from the clinic containing the donor id. This kind of thing has also happened with adoptees.

selsigfach · 20/05/2017 10:23

Yes, a school friend found out she was adopted at 18 while hunting for her birth certificate to apply for a driver's licence. Horrible situation to be in. Honesty is the best policy.

runloganrun101 · 20/05/2017 13:58

Adoption is not the same as egg donation. The birth mother is always the woman who gives birth not the woman who's eggs are used. As someone prev said the birth mother also passes on genetic material during gestation/birth.

The person who judged me for not wanting to tell can go to hell. Who are you to judge me for my decision as a possible birth mum?

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