Page 2 | Egg donation

LovelyBath77 · 2017-05-19T18:31:14+00:00

SIL had this. I saw today a leaflet. Asking for egg donors, saying the child can contact them at age 18. Do the parents have to tell the child they are conceived through egg donation?

TeenAndTween · 20/05/2017 14:31

I think that a parent who knowingly lies by omission to their child about their genetic heritage is thinking more about themselves that about their child.

Putting the best possible spin on it, they have done insufficient reading around the subject and the impact that it could have on their child if it all comes out in later life.

The bottom line is, why not tell the child? Hiding and lying by omission make it more of an issue than just being honest. Hiding it doesn't make it magically go away.

run I'm not judging you yet. I assume you would have to have some kind of pre-donation counselling where issues such as this would be explored.

BillSykesDog · 20/05/2017 14:44

Studies have estimated that up to 1 in 5 children are not the child of the man they think is their father. It rarely comes out. Plenty of people don't have full information on their genetic background for reasons like the father buggering off or not being known in the first place.

If parents choose not to tell their children they won't be in any different a situation to millions and millions of people conceived naturally. In fact they'll be in a better position as the donated material will have been screened for genetic problems. And the parents will probably be in a better position to know how their child would cope with it than a bunch of strangers on the net. But let's not worry about that when we've found another convenient stick to beat the infertile with eh?

Blaaaaaaaah · 20/05/2017 14:46

And egg donation is most frequently from strangers.

pinkandorangeroses · 20/05/2017 14:56

Well said Bill

TeenAndTween · 20/05/2017 15:02

This isn't a stick to beat the infertile with.
It is to do with the resultant child, and being honest with them.

BlueKarou · 20/05/2017 15:03

With egg donations it's best to tell the child in the incredibly slim chance they go on to meet someone else born from the same genetic material (I.e. The donor's own kids, or someone else she donated to.)

My son was a result of ivf with donor sperm. At the same time I donated my eggs. This means there could be other children out there who share some of his genetics. It would be irresponsible of me not to raise him with that awareness.

cingolimama · 20/05/2017 15:03

I think there's an awful lot of shrill self-righteousness on this thread, clearly from people who have never been in the position of needing to use an egg donor.

I can totally see why a parent would be reluctant to tell. My SIL basically thought it none of her son's business - she was the biological mother and that was that. There's also the fear that one day you'll hear the phrase "you're not my real mother", which is devastating, even if it's not true.

I used a donor egg, and had made a decision, while pregnant, not to tell my child, out of fear I suppose. But when DD arrived, my feelings changed - I knew I wanted to be open with her about her genetic origins, which I've done over the years in a matter-of-fact way and it's not only been fine, it's been quite lovely, as it made me realise again and again, how lucky I was, and what a tremendous gift I'd been given by a complete stranger. I'm glad I'm doing it this way, as it takes the worry of "what if DD ever finds out?" away, but I could never judge a woman for making a different decision.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/05/2017 15:04

I've considered donating eggs but I'm very reluctant to do so as I wouldn't want my 'child' as it were, appearing in 18years time looking for answers when at that point I imagine I'd have had my own children.
It's really hobson's choice isn't it.

LillianGish · 20/05/2017 15:05

I think you have to tell them - as Tween says, drip feed from the earliest age so it's never a big deal. I think if you do that then it truly never is a big deal - more like a little detail that makes your child extra-special - like any little detail we tell our children about when they were babies. Finding out later could potentially be a very big deal. I'm not sure why you wouldn't tell them - it's not like adoption where the child might grow up wondering about their birth mother. A child conceived from a donor egg would never have been born at all if it wasn't for their birth mother. Donating an egg is not the same as giving up your child.

TeenAndTween · 20/05/2017 15:11

Well said cingo (the being open and taking away the worry)

I'm not judging, I think people planning not to tell are misguided / ill informed / acting out of fear. I haven't seen an argument in favour of not telling that in my view outweighs the potential harm.

And by the way, I have had experience of infertility as my family was formed through adoption.

user1495261305 · 20/05/2017 15:16

I don't have an opinion one way or another, but an argument for not telling would be that the child will be forever wondering about their genetic parent. I think that could be quite unsettling for a child, although I don't know?

Ginkypig · 20/05/2017 15:16

I have considered both egg donation and surrogacy (being both I mean)

If I did either though I would absolutely not consider myself the resulting child's family, I would consider myself a tool for the couple to become parents (in my limited opinion)

I for many reason have so far ruled it out but one of those reason is the child one day wanting a family relationship years down the line.
I wouldn't mind them knowing about me or even meeting them so they could if they felt they needed to put a face to a part of their "jigsaw" but I would hate to have them feel rejected and hurt because they wanted a more in depth relationship than I would want if that makes sense.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/05/2017 16:05

vlad - not for everyone, though (not saying your feelings are wrong). I wouldn't want to donate if the child couldn't choose to find me. I like the idea of it.

JigglyTuff · 20/05/2017 16:17

I'm not shrill or self-righteous. I'm the parent of a donor-conceived child so it's something I've thought about very long and hard.

I've read hundreds of interviews with donor conceived children which has convinced me that honesty is the best policy.

pinkandorangeroses · 20/05/2017 16:20

People do flatter themselves assuming the child would be desperate to know them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/05/2017 16:27

Gosh.

If that's aimed at me for saying I like the idea of it, well ... no, I don't think that's 'flattering myself'. I just don't feel comfortable with the idea of a child being unable to find me if they wanted to (which is the case in some places). Equally, I like the idea of DD meeting her donor parent if and when she feels like it. It's a nice thought.

pinkandorangeroses · 20/05/2017 16:38

No it wasn't! Sorry if I sound waspish. I suppose it's this automatic 'claim' people seem to think they have over the child negating nine months pregnancy, childbirth and eighteen years love!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/05/2017 16:45

Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, I definitely don't feel sympathy with people who feel that sort of claim. I guess I see it as more similar to, say, the way you might feel about meeting your mum's friend who introduced her to your dad, or something like that. A person who played a role, and might have nice things to say to you.

Ginkypig · 20/05/2017 16:47

Sorry that post sounds cold.

I don't mean I would have no interest at all in the child knowing me ever, I just meant I wouldn't want the child (or by then adult) to be left very upset because I didn't feel like I was their mother and that was was they were expecting me to be.

JustHappy3 · 20/05/2017 16:54

Can i just say that most babies who are adopted WERE planned and wanted by their birth mothers. But unfortunately for often sad reasons they weren't able to keep those children safe and so couldn't keep them.
I have adopted dc and there's no way i'll ever say her birth mum didn't want them because it's simply not true. But i tell about the adoption because (as 5 mins googling about adoption research will show) it's a pyschologically VERY, VERY bad thing not to.

pinkandorangeroses · 20/05/2017 17:11

You don't sound cold ginky but I do find your stance frustrating although I recognise your right to it of course .

AbolishFlobots · 20/05/2017 17:26

A member of my family donated eggs to my DH and I so we could have a family. I will forever be grateful and we talk about said family member all the time. Another poster up thread mentioned about a book and we have the same one - it's been read to DD since she was 3 months old. Everyone knows, friends, family etc, I'm quite open and honest about the fact I couldn't have children without help and, how someone came forward and gave me the gift of being a parent (corny I know but i would not have my life as it is now if it wasn't for the family member).

The pea that was me, by Kimberly Kluger-Bell

Before I was a baby
I was a little baby pea
Growing in my mommy's tummy

But where did the pea that was me come from?
I had to ask my mum (she's nice, except when she gets mad at me)

To make a baby pea
You need two things - eggs & sperm
"Eggs & worms?"
Not eggs from chickens!
Eggs from Ladies
And not worms, Sperm (they look like tiny tadpoles!)

But sometimes the eggs don't work
And when that happens
You can't make a baby pea.
That's what happened to my mommy & daddy.

Mommy & Daddy went to a very good doctor, who had a wonderful idea!

The very good doctor
Found a very kind lady [insert name]
Who had lots of extra eggs
And said she would be happy to give some to Mommy & Daddy!

And the very good doctor, put an egg from the kind lady together with daddy's sperm...
And then she put the tiny pea into Mommy's tummy.

Where it grew
And grew
And grew
Until it turned into a baby
That turned in to me

With the help of the very good doctor,
And the very kind lady...
And daddy's sperm, and mommy's tummy,
The pea that was me finally came to be!

AbolishFlobots · 20/05/2017 17:28

Forgot to mention that DD at 3 decided to read out the story (she'd memorised it) in the middle of the Coop once the people behind us found it hilarious as she saying sperm at the top of her voice

Ginkypig · 20/05/2017 17:40

Thanks pink.

Can I ask without being goady, why it frustrates you?

I have no real knowledge of the complexities so my opinion is just that as Iv not done much more than thought of it as an idea in the abstract (if that makes sense) so I really hope I have not insulted anyone with my (very possibly ignorant opinions)

Snowdog37 · 20/05/2017 17:40

I'm going to be using donor eggs and my husband's sperm for ivf next month. The eggs come from an anonymous donor in the Czech Republic who will have been screened for genetic and other issues so we know her eggs are pretty much as good as they could ever be (compared to mine which are pretty much non existent!) As the donor is completely anonymous, any resulting children will never have a chance to know this kind and generous woman. I'm not sure telling the child would be a positive thing or not as they'll still never be able to meet or know anything about the donor? Is not knowing anything better than knowing and then possibly feeling the frustration or sadness of never knowing anything other than the means of their creation? I'm genuinely torn.