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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The kid that wins everything

76 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:31

Posting here for traffic
There's a kid in DS's class that is a high achiever- wins everything, is selected for every team etc.
Problem is it's making my DS who is 9 feel super inadequate and I don't know how to manage it.
Conversations go like this 'Johnny won the chess tournament and got a trophy' or 'Johnny got a medal today for tennis- I really tried Mummy' 'I'm really sorry mummy, I didn't get selected for athletics but Johnny did' etc etc. Johnny is always in playground with medals etc and even today he had a medal for winning something and was selected for something else.

DS is an normal kid and tries really hard but doesn't seem to get anywhere bless him and I am worried that he will give up trying as Johnny always wins/ gets selected.

Aibu to ask how you manage this?

I have said how proud I am of him for trying - he's desperate to be selected for something/ to win something but with this kid in the class it's unlikely ever to happen and I'm struggling with the 'well done for trying' messages! I know it's real life and it's hard but it's also tricky when it's your kid feeling like he's trying but not getting anywhere.

Aibu to ask for advice/ tips to manage self confidence

OP posts:
2014newme · 19/05/2017 17:34

Do you do things outside school where Johnny isn't there? Or non competitive things like scouts?

2014newme · 19/05/2017 17:34

Drama is brilliant for self confidence

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:36

Yes, karate, swimming, scouts so a few things and it helps. It's school that bothers DS though

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:36

He wants to do well at school stuff

OP posts:
shinyredbus · 19/05/2017 17:38

what is it that bothers him about the school exactly?

worridmum · 19/05/2017 17:38

but sadly short of going into school and complain that johnny is winning too much and effecting your son self confidence (please dont do this as it would be ridiculus) you need to find outlets were your child can really shine without johnny being there.

You also go to instill that winning doesnt matter only the taking part does as sadly in life there are always going to people that achive everything

SafeWord · 19/05/2017 17:40

Its how you manage it. Through life there will almost always be a Johnny.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. Your son needs to learn self esteem and true achievements aren't just about coming first.

Not easy but resilience will serve him a lot better than worrying about the johnnies of life and how many medals they have.

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:40

He just wants to do well in school and it affects his self confidence that he's trying but not really getting anywhere.
Of course that's real life and of course I would never speak to teacher about Johnny winning everything - it's just managing the fact that he's not as good!

OP posts:
shinyredbus · 19/05/2017 17:41

husbands says what helped him was he developed confidence and that helped him - he had a Johnny in his class too and after a while - Johnny didn't bother him. Is your son a confident person OP?

SafeWord · 19/05/2017 17:41

Or you know, trip Johnny up at the next sports day.

Lolz

2014newme · 19/05/2017 17:41

There's a boy in dds class who is fantastic at sports, it also helps that he's a lot taller than the others. They genuinely are not bothered! He may win school sports but they are good at other things eg my dd loves drama brownies etc. They dont mind him winning they know how hard he trains in his sport

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:42

He's not confident @shiny really- we really try to boost him and help him and it is better but he is definitely under confident!

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:43

Johnny also top of class in everything academic which doesn't help!!

OP posts:
isletsoffrangipane · 19/05/2017 17:45

I think you need to manage the jealousy.

It often tips over into bullying; I was a high achiever at school and was mercilessly teased for it, to the point of physical violence.

It's not all sunshine and kittens just because you win medals.

grasspigeons · 19/05/2017 17:47

Can you have personal bests like in swimming. So it doesn't matter what Johnny does

SafeWord · 19/05/2017 17:49

Are you as a family very interested in winning and achieving.. this might explain why his confidence is tied up with achievements.

Maybe take all the pressure off and see whether just playing out and chilling helps him.

It certainly helped my nephew when they stopped with all the extra curricular sports.

Highwalltoclimb · 19/05/2017 17:49

The reality is in life there is always a Johnny. The best thing to do would be to teach your child to focus on his own merits and strength and aim to do better for himself rather than focusing on what johnny does or doesn't do.

Ethylred · 19/05/2017 17:50

Tell him to be proud of his friend's achievements.

Reow · 19/05/2017 17:51

Find out what Johnny's kryptonite is. Grin

Is he crap at anything? He must have something he can't do.

Joking aside. It's one of life's shitty lessons, more often than not there will be someone better than you at things. In 10 years your DS won't care. I don't have a helpful answer!
Flowers

bojorojo · 19/05/2017 17:51

The trick is: don't compare yourself to Johnny! Obviously no one else is winning either! Ignore Johnny. There will always be a Johnny. Hopefully this child is actually talented. You just wait until favourite children without an obvious talent get all the prizes!!! That's far worse.

Most children try and you are obviously in a competitive environment if there is chess and school teams at 9 plus numerous medals! If it is not your style then this type of school isn't for you or him. Most state schools don't give out gongs for everything! It is a lot more subtle. If moving is a problem then making friends with those who are also not high achievers and eventually ignoring Johnny is all he can do other than finding something to be good at! What might that be?

C0RAL · 19/05/2017 17:52

The reality is in life there is always a Johnny. The best thing to do would be to teach your child to focus on his own merits and strength and aim to do better for himself rather than focusing on what johnny does or doesn't do

This is very good advice.

ForthemanyNotthefew · 19/05/2017 17:53

I think the question you need to ask yourself is, "Why is my child's self - confidence and self-esteem, seemingly being eroded by another child's abilities?" Are you sure you are not projecting your own insecurities on him?

Raggydolly3 · 19/05/2017 17:55

There was a Johnny in my year at primary. Used to win everything sport and academically. Used to always be picked for school play and school council etc etc.
Once we got to high school he could not cope with other people suddenly beating him as he was now a little fish in a big pond and went off the rails and is still of the rails.
Mind you his parents did not manage it well at all as my dad once saw his dad having a right go at him after he had let a goal in a football saying he had let him down.
Sometimes it is really best to be the middling kid

theSnuffster · 19/05/2017 17:56

Try to focus on his strengths? Things about his personality, how kind he is etc? Sounds like he just needs a confidence boost. It's a hard lesson to learn but there's always going to be a Johnny around.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 19/05/2017 17:57

Well that's lovely for Johnny but I'm mych more interested in what you did so tell me all about your bit.

Even your thread title is about Johnny and not your DC Sad