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Original poster

The kid that wins everything

76 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 17:31

Posting here for traffic
There's a kid in DS's class that is a high achiever- wins everything, is selected for every team etc.
Problem is it's making my DS who is 9 feel super inadequate and I don't know how to manage it.
Conversations go like this 'Johnny won the chess tournament and got a trophy' or 'Johnny got a medal today for tennis- I really tried Mummy' 'I'm really sorry mummy, I didn't get selected for athletics but Johnny did' etc etc. Johnny is always in playground with medals etc and even today he had a medal for winning something and was selected for something else.

DS is an normal kid and tries really hard but doesn't seem to get anywhere bless him and I am worried that he will give up trying as Johnny always wins/ gets selected.

Aibu to ask how you manage this?

I have said how proud I am of him for trying - he's desperate to be selected for something/ to win something but with this kid in the class it's unlikely ever to happen and I'm struggling with the 'well done for trying' messages! I know it's real life and it's hard but it's also tricky when it's your kid feeling like he's trying but not getting anywhere.

Aibu to ask for advice/ tips to manage self confidence

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 19/05/2017 18:48

Be careful you don't pass on resentment of Johnny. He is just doing his best. That's all anyone can do.

MrSlant · 19/05/2017 19:06

Tinkly that's really interesting. We don't do sleepovers or residential trips either. The only difference is my 'Jonny' doesn't care how he does. When he is 'in the moment' he tries his very best and is SO focused but he's not bothered when he isn't the first at something at all. Once a race is done whatever the result the truly doesn't care! We have a second Jonny (it's a big school and there's lots to achieve at) who gets very upset if he doesn't win. But he is super confident and very alpha.

I love that comment Trifle all you can do is your best!

OP in my sons group of friends there is one boy who isn't brilliant at sports yet (they are only young, so much time to grow still!) or apparently shining at anything but he is so kind. He is the most empathic child (actually person) I have ever met and he makes my heart burst with some of the amazing things he comes out with and then feel guilty that I'm not as lovely as him. It's a much greater skill than sometimes being fast.

MadameSzyszkoBohush · 19/05/2017 19:09

I was a Johnny in my class (good at most things but also really good academically) at primary. I didn't even try to get stickers/praise for my work I just got them, but was made to feel like a swot by the others. I hated being in the spotlight so it really affected me and from then on never wanted to look like I had "tried" at anything. So maybe also tell DS not to make Johnny feel bad for doing well at stuff.

LaLegue · 19/05/2017 19:12

Every year group has their Johnny. It's very irritating. I'm pleased for all the Johnnies out there that they are so good at everything but I do wish teachers would share to opportunities around a bit and give someone else a chance once in a while.

christmashope · 19/05/2017 19:13

One of my sons (12) is a 'Johnny'
He works super hard at things
He's fantastic at most sports and wins lots of trophies
For his main sport he trains 20 hours per week, he gets up at 0530hrs for some sessions, he very rarely gets to go on sleepovers and he chooses to eat healthily
Right now as a parent I'm upset as he's constantly getting knocked and put down by people
Teachers don't ever say well done to him even when he is competing in national events
He only has a handful of friends as others are mean to him about being so good
He's not boastful at all and doesn't always tell people what he's up to at the weekend if it involves a competition
He gets digs from every angle but people are forgetting that

  1. He is a child
And 2. He works hard to get where he is and achieve what he does Sorry just wanted to get that off of my chest
Motherbear26 · 19/05/2017 19:19

I sometimes feel that, whether intentional or not, this idea of 'not being as good as' comes from the parents. I have two kids, one is a 'Johnny', one is not. Both are extremely confident because they know how proud DH and I are of them. We make a point of rewarding effort and improvement rather than achievement. For example, my 'non-Johnny' will never be top of his maths class but he has massively improved his test scores this year because he has worked so hard. This to me is as much of an achievement as his sibling who consistently gets top marks and is rewarded as such so he knows that it is the 'trying' that is important, not the actual grade.
A PP mentioned growth mindset, which my kids school is really big on and it's worth reading up on. My kids know what they can achieve with hard work and determination and that it is impossible and a complete waste of energy to compare themselves to others as everyone is different. They may not be 'the best', but if they are trying their best we will always be proud. Kids (and some adults for that matter) need to learn that just because someone 'wins' it doesn't mean they lose. I've put a lot of effort into teaching my children that the only person they have to beat is themselves.

2014newme · 19/05/2017 19:25

It's very sad that the op's child feels has to apologise to his parents when he doesn't beat Johnny
We are all about effort in our house we praise effort rather than the end result.
Eg not "well done you got all the spellings right" but " well done you worked hard on learning your spellings"

Trifleorbust · 19/05/2017 19:29

MrSlant

Thank you Grin Praising effort is the single most important thing I think you can do as a parent or a teacher. Who cares what they achieve, if you and they are putting in 100% most of the time?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 19/05/2017 19:41

Actually @2014newme we are all about effort in our house too. Don't fucking judge me when you have no clue about our home. I have no idea why he feels he needs to apologise to us- we never make him feel like he isn't good enough and part of the reason I wrote this post was to get some advice as I really don't know why he feels like that

OP posts:
SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 19/05/2017 19:49

I think you can see very well the point I was trying to make. I don't know how to put it any clearer. Focus on your son and not on Johnny.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 19/05/2017 19:53

But something else has just occurred to me from a course I went on with eork. I've tried it and it works well. At the table each evening, everyone gives 3 pieces of good news. Some days some of is have to dig deep but it has turned the Victor Meldrewness of one of my DSs right around. Worth a try? You need to do it for a few weeks.

ForthemanyNotthefew · 19/05/2017 20:01

I'm puzzled why your DS feels the need to apologise? Sad

Oblomov17 · 19/05/2017 20:37

I think this is all wrong. There are always many many boys and girls who have everything: nice, kind, incredibly bright, popular, sporty, pretty, rich, nice parents.

What are you supposed to do about it? His efforts are 'good enough'. That's it.

derxa · 19/05/2017 20:44

christmashope Flowers

ivykaty44 · 19/05/2017 20:53

Dd2 had a girl in her class/year like Jimmy, she won everything from cross country to being picked for everything in school.

Dd did a lot of stuff outside school in the way of sports, swimming cy ling etc.

In year 5 the headteacher put on a swimming gala

Dd 2 was in swimming squad and could do 50 m in 33 ish sec freestyle

Dd2 floored this girl, DD had finished the race as Jimmy was turning to swim back.

Jimmy had a very big deflated ego as she had list at something in front of everyone, she really struggled with losing.

Op if let D's know that the one thing Jimmy isn't going to be good at is coming 2nd and he will sometime very soon and it will come as a shock a very big shock.

Make sure your DS enjoys what he does and praise him for trying so hard as that is really the key to life ,- trying hard and accepting sometimes you come second but that makes you even more hungry for winning

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 20/05/2017 01:12

I generally say to my dc "I don't care about Johnnie. I'm not all that interested in him. I want to know about you." and ask them about themselves, their experience of whatever it was.

Trifleorbust · 20/05/2017 06:14

Op if let D's know that the one thing Jimmy isn't going to be good at is coming 2nd and he will sometime very soon and it will come as a shock a very big shock

Why are you being nasty about this child? How do you know he isn't good at coming second? How do you know this is going to happen 'very soon'? More to the point, isn't this just encouraging your child to resent another child for no good reason?

Penhacked · 20/05/2017 06:52

I would keep it very light and just say each time, don't you worry about Jonny, did you enjoy it, did you do better than last time, did you try hard etc. Then I'm so proud of you, I know what a great swimmer/runner/mathematician you are. If you keep practicing you'll be a dolphin/cheetah/Einstein. And also don't over big up when he does win an award, just the same sort f level of well done so he doesn't feel too much pressure to always come through.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 20/05/2017 07:05

Ds2 was a Jonny. Top of the class in primary, set 1 for everything in secondary, great at sport, won silver in the national finals for his main sport aged 10, high grades in his two musical instruments at a relatively young age etc etc.

Fast forward a few years and he is no different from any other teenager because he didn't learn to work hard, as it all came so easily to him previously. He spent the ages of 14 -16 realising that he could no longer be best at everything because he hadn't put in the effort. It was a big shock to him.

Luckily he started knucking down for A levels and did really well at those, but he has learned that hard work is more important than natural talent.

If your ds works hard and is praised for his effort then he may well overtake Jonny. And if he doesn't, he will still be better off as he will have the work ethic which Jonny may not.

TrollMummy · 20/05/2017 07:37

DDs best friend is a Jonny - pretty, clever, popular, super competitive always wins etc. DD has always found it hard not to compare herself to her friend and at times she has been quite upset about it. No matter how much I praised her achievements she would say 'but Jonny got 100%' or 'Jonny came 1st'. Then DD started to do a bit better her friend at an out of school activity and her friend suddenly quit. It became apparent that 'Jonny' did not cope very well with not being the best. This was a valuable lesson for DD, that her friend wasn't perfect after all and that the greatest achievement is to keep going even when things get tough. She still has moments of self doubt and still compares herself to her friend but I remind her that everyone feels like this sometimes, and to focus on herself and to run her own race.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 08:01

Op. you know johnny isn't the problem here right? From what I can tell from the little info posted its the fact your son is jealous of johnny and he feels there is an expectation on him, that he needs to apologise to you for not winning.

I'd sit him down and talk to him. The first thing I would make clear is I never want to hear him apologising for not winning ever again. I'd then tell him that as long as he had fun trying and enjoyed it that's all that matters. And I'd keep telling him that.

As for the jealousy thing, you need to stamp that out or he will grow up to be a very bitter unhappy man, because there will always be people who succeed more than him where ever he is in life. Tell him johnny doesn't matter, it's him that matters and him trying having fun and enjoying it is all you care about.

Whenever johnny is mentioned say who cares, whenever he apologised stop him in his tracks and tell him stop being so silly what you want to know is did he have fun trying, and keep doing it till you stamp out the jealousy and his need to apologise to you. Because both those things are going to deeply affect his self confidence.

ProphetOfDoom · 20/05/2017 08:02

I do think the school is at partially at fault here. Ds1 was a Johnny, academically and in sports (he's at secondary now where he's much more part of the crowd) but there would be various sporting activities where numbers would be limited so he couldn't take part in everything and other people's talents and successes were celebrated.

However in contrast dc2' teacher is less aware of the perceived injustice by the students - and by even some parents - and the same child who wins every sporting event is also chosen for the lead in every school production. But I very much celebrate my child's successes and their traits - like how thoughful they are - but I appreciate it's harder to do with a naturally competitive child.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 08:08

I would also say the fact your thread title is the kid that wins at everything is something to think about, because the issue here is absolutely not that kid.

It should have been tittled "my son is jealous and feels rhe need to apologise to us when he doesn't win"

Because the title as you wrote it indicates you too think thr fact there is a higher achieving kid is the problem and it's really not.

lottieandmia · 20/05/2017 08:11

My dd went to a school where it was always the same children chosen for different things. It's so bad for the self esteem of the kids who aren't chosen.

Is this a faith school out of interest?

Trifleorbust · 20/05/2017 08:22

Ds1 was a Johnny, academically and in sports (he's at secondary now where he's much more part of the crowd) but there would be various sporting activities where numbers would be limited so he couldn't take part in everything and other people's talents and successes were celebrated.

I can't help feeling poor Johnny is a bit buggered here. Stopping a child participating because they are talented is really unfair.