The kid that wins everything

[Happyhappyveggie]

Posting here for traffic
There's a kid in DS's class that is a high achiever- wins everything, is selected for every team etc.
Problem is it's making my DS who is 9 feel super inadequate and I don't know how to manage it.
Conversations go like this 'Johnny won the chess tournament and got a trophy' or 'Johnny got a medal today for tennis- I really tried Mummy' 'I'm really sorry mummy, I didn't get selected for athletics but Johnny did' etc etc. Johnny is always in playground with medals etc and even today he had a medal for winning something and was selected for something else.

DS is an normal kid and tries really hard but doesn't seem to get anywhere bless him and I am worried that he will give up trying as Johnny always wins/ gets selected.

Aibu to ask how you manage this?

I have said how proud I am of him for trying - he's desperate to be selected for something/ to win something but with this kid in the class it's unlikely ever to happen and I'm struggling with the 'well done for trying' messages! I know it's real life and it's hard but it's also tricky when it's your kid feeling like he's trying but not getting anywhere.

Aibu to ask for advice/ tips to manage self confidence

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

Much

[Ellisandra]

He's really looking to be rewarded by other people. Medals, team selection.
I would ask him what he wants to be better at, for himself.
Then find a way to facilitate that.

And - gently tell him to STFU about Johnny.

[Runworkeatsleeprepeat]

I've got twins and "johnny" was one of my twin boys. They are 12 now and it's taken a long time for the "not johnny" twin to get over the competitiveness but I also didnt want "johnny" to not get picked just because he was a twin iyswim. Find something that he loves and will make him confident keep on with the "I'm proud of your achievements " chats as they do work. "Not johnny" twin got picked to play tennis for his club today "johnny" didn't. Its only taken 12,years but that's life.

[Ellisandra]

Meant to say - facilitate it and talk to him about a growth mindset.

[Sittinginthesun]

Johnny will be struggling at something, believe me. Your ds just isn't aware of it yet.

Your DS needs to either:

• find something he loves and excels at, which may not be competitive, and stop worrying about competing with Johnny; or
  

• simply concentrate on his own efforts and successes, and not worry if he comes second.
  

Remember, Johnny may be good at school, but will probably be thrashed at other clubs outside school.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

The thing is, there will always be someone better at things then you. It's part of life. This boy and his skills are on a pedestal. Look closely at their relationship and how they interact. You may find that the boy puts your son down a lot to big up his own ego.

Your sons best bet is not engaging in all the competitive showy off banter and concentrating on more important life skills like kindness, caring for friends/family, sharing, happiness, empathy and so on. He needs to learn to value himself and not base his self worth on passing achievements.

[Sittinginthesun]

And, yes - if he starts talking about Johnny, just say "that's nice for Johnny, now tell me about that amazing poem you wrote...".

[isletsoffrangipane]

You may find that the boy puts your son down a lot to big up his own ego.

[Ellisandra]

Oh and I was Johnetta at primary. At least in all the academics and school rep stuff - but I won a few swimming galas too, and was in our tin pot school teams.
I was desperate for the attention from adults of being picked because I rarely got attention at home. I needed validation of badges (only Brownies to start a third arm column 🙄) and awards to 'know' that I was any good, because my self belief was low. And any 'achievement' was the only way I did get attention at home.
At school, they started handing out certificates to mark 5, 10, 15 etc merit marks. The head joked (though it was true) that it was because of me that they had to hurry up deciding the next colour of certificate. The other kids sniggered. I thought the head liked me - and that was the closest I was getting to loving attention from a parental figure.

I hope that your Johnny is a happy and well adjusted boy with lots of home support who is just doing his thing, well.

But sometimes, a stack of school awards isn't simply a positive thing.

[mamaduckbone]

I'm so glad that you aren't going in to school about it - I have this problem with someone in my class at the moment and mum is basically telling us we should choose her dd for sports teams just because her friend is.
There will always be a Johnny in life, but I would second the advice to encourage ds in activities outside of school that will build his self confidence.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

It's important to concentrate on taking part. Also finding something he can shine at. But really he needs to stop comparing himself as he will always fall short at something. It's a hard lesson but will serve him well in the future.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

Why does your ds apologise for not winning/being selected? I can't imagine it occuring to most kids to apologise for it.

[specialsubject]

Good for johnny. Talking him down is called tall poppy syndrome and your job is to help your kid realise that it doesn't matter and, that everyone is good at something.

Johnny can't be the entire team at all the games!

Jealousy is a playground emotion, so excusable in a kid, but it is indeed a waste of time and it is never too early to learn that.

I remember johnetta, who was even more annoying because she was really nice!

[MrSlant]

I've got a Jonny. To look at him as an outsider you'd think he must be the most confident, king of the world child. He's very, very fortunate and finds school work easy, great at sport, took to music like it was the most natural thing in the world and when he performs or competes he normally does really well. You know what? He has crippling anxiety, scared of his own shadow and new situations and people are the hardest thing. Plus he gets picked on by the class room bullies every single day for doing well. I'd rather he were average most days. He just has this amazing ability to ignore it all the moment a game starts, or a whistle blows and perform. He's terrified before and unbothered about how he did after. And at home he is scared and struggles to go to bed because he's can't cope with of all these mad scenarios his brain throws at him. We can't even go on holiday because he's scared of planes and ferries to an extreme extent. There's always a much bigger picture, hug your son tight and tell him how prefect he is to you. The Jonny in your school may have a horrible home life or something else, he probably doesn't have a mum who sounds as lovely as you.

On another note, our school makes a point of congratulating and celebrating the kids who try but who wouldn't be expected to win. Last cross country the boy who came down in the hundreds got more fuss than he handful who had top 10 finishes because they always do but the other boy had gone for the first time to just give it a go. Any chance of introducing that in your school?

[MadameSzyszkoBohush]

Yeah I think there is something in the fact that he feels he needs to apologise to you for not being the best. He may have picked up on something (even if that's not something you have ever said to him).

[Happyhappyveggie]

I'm not sure what your point is @sailaway- I used the title to get traffic for my post as wanted some advice. I've been quite clear about how it's affecting my son.
Am trying to do my best to boost his self esteem- we aren't a pushy parent family - I just want my son to be happy in school and feel like he is good enough so was just asking for some advice and have recieved some good advice.

[teapotter]

There are many more important things than academic and sporting achievements, but they are not often rewarded by schools and harder to measure. I was discussing this with the teens at church on Sunday- the message from their school is almost all about academic stuff but they realise that there were more important ways to "succeed", like kindness, empathy, helpfulness. They are just not talked about enough. Ask your son how he did each day with soft skills. "Did you manage to help anyone today?" etc. This will build his confidence in te skills that really matter.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

That's really interesting Mr Slant; we have a Johnny at our school; an incredibly bright kid and a fantastic athlete, miles better that anyone else. My DS is always second at everything, but seems to take it in good spirit.

Our Johnny seems to have anxiety too; won't do sleepovers or residentials and is very hard on himself on the rare occasion he messes up.

[derxa]

I was Johnny at primary and secondary then I went to university and was middling. Tell your DS that every dog has his day.

[Happyhappyveggie]

My son is really kind and sweet and we tell him that all the time. He's a gentle soul and it's probably why he feels this all the more

[StiginaGrump]

I have a johnny and in writing, maths, chess, sport, drama he excels - well wins and he is handsome, tall and popular. His nearest sibling is his opposite but still has a ton of self esteem - that's what to work on. He has to know his value can not become greater or lesser he has time to learn this and will grow into his resilience

[minionsrule]

OP sit ds down this weekend and have a proper chat - don't discourage him from telling you about Johnny's achievements but as pp said, just say that's nice for him. If you discourage it he will bottle it up.
There is nothing you can do about Johnny but maybe encourage ds to take Johnny out of the equation (not literally of course) - if Johnny always wins everything but he can ignore that than he can see how he is doing against his other peers without just thinking 'I didn't win again'.
I understand how you feel but as long as you keep telling him life is not about winning and as long as he tries thats all that matters then you will be on the right track.
Oh and don't let your annoyance towards Johnny show to ds - he will think his annoyance is right when it isn't (even if it is understandable)
Lets hope Johnny goes to a different high school

[Blimey01]

Yes it can't just be Johnny that's the whole team and other kids must be missing out aswell?
My DS had a thing about a very popular kid in his class and I could see he was jealous of him. The jealousy fizzled out after a while ( as in years!)as DS own confidence grew and now they are quite friendly. I hardly ever hear his name now.
As others have said encourage friends and activities outside school. I would'nt feed the self pity- I don't mean that nastily i just mean encourage your son not to focus and compare himself to the other boy. There will always be a Johnny!
Also you could talk to the school and suggest he could do with a confidence boost as you feel his self esteem is a bit low at the moment. I did this with DS and they were really encouraging with him after that.

[chillie]

My son is a 'Jonny' and it worries me a lot. Everything comes easily to him and he is genuinely top all around, academics, sport, drama, singing, dancing etc I am completely convinced that he is going to become unstuck horribly at a some point in his future as what make you successful in life (happy) is not what happens when it all goes right but how you handle it when it goes wrong and IT will go wrong at some time. My sons empathy skills are not always the best and I am constantly looking for ways to set him up to fail so he can understand how most people feel and learn from it. I really want him to be happy but feel strongly that to be happy you have to be able to understand and considers those around you.
Perhaps you can point out that your son is winning at politeness or kindness but that because there is no 'prize' it may not feel special, but it is and this type of winning is more important because other children will remember him forever for how he made them feel whereas medals and positions are not usually remembered later by anyone except the person who won them.

[Sundayspilot]

I came from a family where results were emphasized over effort and really I wish I'd learned earlier that better is the enemy of good. That's a really hard concept for most younger kids, so I'd really focus on demonstrating the kind of self- kindness and resiliency you'd like to see in your son.

I'd try and keep it light. Make sure you laugh at your own little mistakes, have fun at sports, even when you lose, that sort of thing