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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother insinuating I'm bigger than what I am? Upsetting me daily.

97 replies

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 16:43

I don't really know if this is unreasonable or if I'm just being sensitive. Sad

I'm on maternity leave. Things are good, moving into our first mortgaged home and baby fine... the problem is my mum.

I moved 5 mins away from her to help with childcare when I go back to work so we're seeing a lot more of each other at the moment.

She keeps buying me Size 16 clothes and even an 18 the other day.... (really thoughtful to get me clothes, I buy more than enough for myself but she still feels the need to pick stuff up for me and my sisters sometimes)

I do politely mention that she doesn't need to buy me clothes and that I'm not a size 16...I'm a 12. I was a tiny 8 before the baby.

Along with the bigger clothes come the slide comments about my weight and appearance. It's beginning to make me resent her... my sisters join in too.

Partner loves my body and says he likes the bigger love handles and bum! I wasn't that concerned until the constant remarks from her.

It's not just weight comments, she always criticises my parenting and what I'm doing Day to day.

Writing this having a sob, she never used to be like this.
I feel ungrateful and rude about obviously not being able to wear the clothes, yet angry and sad about the way I'm treated. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
AppleOfMyEye10 · 16/05/2017 16:49

Yanbu, do you have any idea why she's behaving like this?
I think you really need to make other arrangements for childcare. She's upsetting you and criticizing you before the baby is here, imagine what's to come when the baby arrives and you rely on her for help?

reallyanotherone · 16/05/2017 16:50

I have this!

I'm a 12, but my mum will buy me 16's.

Even as a teenager when i was an 8-10 she'd buy me 12's.

She's had me on a diet since I was 9 though. Funnily enough I have always thought of myself as fat.

Just don't wear the clothes.
Say thanks, if she asks, say they're too big.

This is also why i chose to pay for nursery.

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 16:52

Baby is here, she's 6 months so going back to work soon- it's going to save is quite a bit on childcare that's my issue.

I have no idea why she's taken to criticising me every day.
My sisters and her are quite close and she's always saying how beautiful they are.

I wish I was a big tougher... my post sounds so wimpy BlushSad

OP posts:
specialsubject · 16/05/2017 16:53

Sounds like you need to a) start paying for childcare b) dump all the unwanted clothes back at her house and tell her to stop buying and c ) tell her to stop insulting you with endless tedious babble about appearance.

IJustLostTheGame · 16/05/2017 16:55

Yanbu.
Keep a charity collection bag and put them in there whilst she's watching.
My MIL tried to give me her old clothes in a similar fashion after my dd was born. I was an 8 and went to a 10, which isn't much. She gave me a whole load of her horrid old clothes in a size 14.
I gave them to a charity shop.
She went beserk.
She didn't do it again.

mawi · 16/05/2017 16:58

Your mother is a bitch. Sorry but it's true.
My mother used to go on at me so much about my weight that one day I blew a gasket and roared at her if I worried about my weight as much as she did I would be anorexic. It really shocked her and she never mentioned it again.
I have learnt to treat my mother like a toddler, when she nags, moans and complains I put her (in my mind) on the naughty step and I give her absolutely no attention. It means we have very low contact because she doesn't learn but I have peace.
Pay for nursery or get a childminder, your mental health is more important than saving money.

Hidillyhoneighborinos · 16/05/2017 16:58

My mum is exactly the same, even though she is at least a size 18/20 and i was a 10-12. I had a lovely photo done with DH and DC but the first thing she said was ooooo arent u looking chubby?Hmm

I just went very low contact, its the only way i can cope, she just depresses me when i have to see her

expatinscotland · 16/05/2017 17:00

She's a cow. I'd tell her to stop doing this and start cutting her a wide berth.

troodiedoo · 16/05/2017 17:02

Freebies from families often come with hidden extras. You need to call her out calmly and plainly "I've told you several times my size, why have you bought the wrong size?" "Why do you think it's OK to make comments about my appearance? It's rude and hurtful."

I'd bet money that she'll act huffy and outraged as if you're the one in the wrong. This is the time to decide whether free childcare is worth this bullshit.

pictish · 16/05/2017 17:06

So what does she say when you say, "Mum these will be too big for me, I'm a size 12 not a 16."?

Capricorn76 · 16/05/2017 17:07

Your mum is insecure and jealous. Tell her you're giving the clothes away as they are too big. She won't buy anymore.

Also you and DH really need to find alternative childcare because trust me this is just the beginning of the criticism. When you go back to work it will escalate especially in regards to how you parent.

2ndSopranos · 16/05/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohyesiam · 16/05/2017 17:07

Your mother is being unkind, and you need to confront her.
Every time she does it you need to say ' "that's bitchy, and it's not true, look " and show her your label. Or " why have you started making personal remarks? It's so rude " ( especially if she taught you not to as a child). And " I can never west this as I'm not planning on going up 3 sizes ".
Once you show her you won't take it, she will stop with the criticism of your parenting.
I think of you draw up the ground rules, you will probably still be able to use her for child care.
congratulations on your little one, and best of luck with starting work.

BuckinghamLass · 16/05/2017 17:07

That's passive-aggressive and horrible.

Please stick up for yourself. Just say "thanks Mum, but they're too big," and hand them back. Every single time.

If she flounces over the childcare or whatever, you'll have to find an alternative solution. Because if you give her an inch she's going to take a mile, all in the name of "well I'm giving you childcare, you have to suck it up."

AnnetteCurtains · 16/05/2017 17:11

She doesn't get to treat you badly because she is looking after your child
Just nip this in the bud now

Original poster
pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 17:11

Bit scared to put Baby into childcare because she's so small and clingy. She will be 8.5 months when I go back to work... I wanted to start putting her in slowly when she turned 1.

I wish my mum would treat me like she does my sisters, It always seams like I'm in the way or annoying her. Then the remarks start.

I'm a small 12. I don't look like a 16. When I have mentioned that I'm a 12 she raises an eyebrow or will laugh sarcastically.
I always get the sense that her and my elder sister are bitching about me whenever I walk into the room or near.

I'm usually a strong woman (at work and in my own home) but in her presence I feel like a vulnerable 12 year old....

I must say she dotes on my daughter and showers her with love and gifts. So I have no worries about her looking after her. It just annoys me (upsets me) that when I do give her baby I always get a remark about how I'm doing something wrong or whatever she's moaning about at that particular time.

Shitty situation really Sad I sound wimpy reading this back Blush

OP posts:
C0RAL · 16/05/2017 17:12

You and your DP will need to get paid childcare.

I can tell you now that this isn't going to work for you as a couple or for your child when they are older.

Roomster101 · 16/05/2017 17:14

My mother did this. Even though I lost pregnancy weight quickly after birth she bought me size 14 a couple of months later even though I have always been (and still was) a size 10. She isn't a bitch though. I think she just couldn't get a head around the fact that I wasn't bigger like she was. I didn't thank her and gave her a lot of grief about it. It's the last thing a woman needs after giving birth.

LadySalmakia · 16/05/2017 17:14

Urgh, what a cow. My mother used to pull shit like this with me over my poor skin. It's chronic cystic acne, I've tried every treatment, it's not going anywhere and it's quite distressing so the polite and loving thing would be to just ignore it. I got headtilting "gosh doesn't that look awful" s and constant attempts To having interventions to get me to deal with it.

Any way I blew up at her and it in a caffe Nero one day and told her never to mention it again and she doesn't, but I had to really lose it to get her to stfu.

Could you try handing the clothes straight back and saying "thank you but these are three sizes too big, would you like to return them or shoulder I take them to the charity shop."breezy and firm and if she gets bitchier go off on one.

I am usually beyond calm and not at shouter or overreacter, which is why this worked for me I think, shocked her into shutting up.

DissonantInterval · 16/05/2017 17:14

That's so mean. And yes she does sound insecure and can only feel ok about herself if she's putting someone else down. Right now that someone appears to be you :(

I would honestly tell her that what she's saying is really hurtful and unpleasant. I'd also tell her it's nice of you to buy you clothes but that you aren't a size 16 so they'll either have to go back or be given to charity. It's a sort of bullying and like all bully's she needs standing up to imo. Some people get away with this sort of shit simply because no one calls them out on it.

Oldraver · 16/05/2017 17:15

My Mum used to do this...give me new clothes that were 20-22 when I was 16-18 telling me she had bought them for herself...she was a 26 28 at the time so why was she buying that size.

But yes I had to pull her up about the constant digs about my weight. Told her that it's her own weight she should concentrate on not mine

I think you also should look into alternative childcare

Jimcanna · 16/05/2017 17:16

Jesus, don't rely on her for childcare, she'll use it against you.

Emmageddon · 16/05/2017 17:17

Look at the label, and laugh at her. Say 'I'm not a size 16! These clothes are far too big!' God knows what she's playing at, but it does seem weird to buy someone clothes that are too big.

toffeeboffin · 16/05/2017 17:19

It seems a lot of time with mothers you can't win.

If I'm a size ten, she insinuates I'm anorexic (actually an insult to anorexia imho)

3 months pp at a size 12/14 and there's the comments about 'oh but I know it's hard to lose' Confused

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