Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Mother insinuating I'm bigger than what I am? Upsetting me daily.

97 replies

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 16:43

I don't really know if this is unreasonable or if I'm just being sensitive.

I'm on maternity leave. Things are good, moving into our first mortgaged home and baby fine... the problem is my mum.

I moved 5 mins away from her to help with childcare when I go back to work so we're seeing a lot more of each other at the moment.

She keeps buying me Size 16 clothes and even an 18 the other day.... (really thoughtful to get me clothes, I buy more than enough for myself but she still feels the need to pick stuff up for me and my sisters sometimes)

I do politely mention that she doesn't need to buy me clothes and that I'm not a size 16...I'm a 12. I was a tiny 8 before the baby.

Along with the bigger clothes come the slide comments about my weight and appearance. It's beginning to make me resent her... my sisters join in too.

Partner loves my body and says he likes the bigger love handles and bum! I wasn't that concerned until the constant remarks from her.

It's not just weight comments, she always criticises my parenting and what I'm doing Day to day.

Writing this having a sob, she never used to be like this.
I feel ungrateful and rude about obviously not being able to wear the clothes, yet angry and sad about the way I'm treated. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do

OP posts:

Inertia · 16/05/2017 17:20

Well, she knows it upsets you and she isn't going to stop, so you need to change things.

You'd best be sure to have a back-up childcare plan ready for when she decides at the last minute that it's inconvenient for her to do childcare after all, and you're due back at work.

FreeSpiritJen · 16/05/2017 17:21

How rude. I would hand the clothes right back.

Why do (some) mothers do this? I would never ever ever criticize a daughter like this. So cruel and mean.

I don't know what to advice except actually snapping her head off and saying 'why are you buying me big clothes? I am not FAT!'

OdinsLoveChild · 16/05/2017 17:22

I'd be inclined to look at the label and say 'Oooppps Mum, it looks like you picked up your own size 16's instead of my 12'. My mother would be so horrified I thought her a 16 she would stop buying for me immediately.

JsOtherHalf · 16/05/2017 17:22

Given your updates, it sounds like there might be more going on here?

Have you often felt excluded from your mum and sister?

isthistoonosy · 16/05/2017 17:24

Could you put the trousers on in front of her and stand up so they fall down, while saying "I am not an 18"

strawberryshower · 16/05/2017 17:24

I don't want to sound unkind but don't you think this environment is a damaging one for your child to spend so much time in?

MaybeNextWeek · 16/05/2017 17:25

Even if your dc is small and clingy she would settle in childcare, maybe try a cm if you prefer a more relaxed setting.

If your dm is upsetting you now, then the money saved will not be worth the mental stress she will will put you though.

You need to do as pp have said and ask her why she puts you down and persists in this passive aggressive nonsense. Tell her it's too upsetting and unless she can stop it your dc will go to a childminders. Don't let her have you over a barrel. Sounds awful op.

JsOtherHalf · 16/05/2017 17:26

Just had another thought, is your life seemingly better than your mother's?
Eg Nice partner, home, career, ?
Add a lovely new baby daughter and she could be jealous.

madcatwoman61 · 16/05/2017 17:29

Please think about what this may do to your daughter as she gets older. My MIL decided one of my daughters was 'chubby' early on and made constant remarks from when she was little - she still does it. Said daughter now has serious food issues. Find alternative child care

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 17:29

Sounds to me like she's reminding you that although you are now a mother, she is the mother.

She's effectively marking her territory.

ImperialBlether · 16/05/2017 17:30

It sounds really awful.

Are you smaller than your mum and sisters? Have they been competitive about weight before?

Roomster101 · 16/05/2017 17:30

I would also avoid using her for childcare if you possibly can. I think that your child is a good age for nursery or a childminder as they usually settle in really quickly as babies in my experience.

MsGameandWatch · 16/05/2017 17:31

I remember my Mum offering to buy me something "nice to wear" when I was about 19. She took me to Evans where the Sales Assistant looked at me like and said "she will struggle to find anything here, she's too small!" I was a size 12. Even now my parents like to tell me I am looking "beefy". I am nine and a half stone and they are no way less than 15 stone a piece.

It's really weird this weight with parents and obviously not that unusual given the accounts on this thread.

Qwebec · 16/05/2017 17:34

You are not being a wimp, she is your mother,the person you depended on for your survival as a child. That is a poweful role. Would you let a neighbor or a friend in your life if they behaved like this? Would you let that person in charge of your child if thry treated you with contempt? As your child grows and the years go by do you want her to learn that it is all right to treat anybody like this?

As your mother she already holds a powerful role in your life, do you really want to give her more, make it even more difficult for you to assert yourself? Go and visit other places she sould stay, it will give youa more concrete idea of what your options.

GoldilocksAndTheThreePears · 16/05/2017 17:34

My mum used to tell this joke, when I was 12 through my teens. Goldilocks must be anorexic because when she looks at herself in a mirror she sees a big fat woman. This was told in front of family, anyone she was talking to really. When I lost weight, went from 22 stone to 12, she told me not to bother as people like me and her will never be a size 10 lovely. She's right but it hurts. She's large herself and suffers from lots of health issues, some to do with her weight some not. I just wish I'd had any encouragement! Who knows where I'd be now.

It's hard enough when shit like this comes from randoms but from your mum it sucks so much.

Capricorn76 · 16/05/2017 17:36

She's jealous and wants to take you down a peg or two. You have a loving DP and beautiful new DD, you're looking good and appear to be happy to go back to work. You have it all. She defo wants to pop your balloon a little bit.

Fluffyears · 16/05/2017 17:37

I'd look at the label,shame my head and mutter a bit then throw them in the bin in front of her. If she asks why tell her I haven't got space for clothes that DO NOT FIT!

mrsm43s · 16/05/2017 17:37

Is it possible she's just a bit out of date in sizing? A today's size 12 would have been a 16 or so back in the 80's.

Whilst it might seem obvious that she would have noticed the sizing changing over the years, she may well not have done, thinking that she's stayed the same over the years, when in fact she may well have put on weight,but not have had to go up in size due to the changes in clothes sizing. People often have skewed perceptions of their own size.

chocatoo · 16/05/2017 17:39

Hey, you're lucky that she's buying you clothes and really lucky that she's offering to look after your child! I bet she goes on and on to your sister about how great you are!! - My mum tends to do that. The clothes thing is surely easily fixed: try them on as soon as she gives them to you and show her that they are too big, then ask her would she mind exchanging them for the right size! - not really a biggie is it?? Or simply exchange them yourself (ask Mum for the receipts). I have the opposite with MIL - always buys too small :-( Seems a shame to fall out with your Mum - she is a great resource and support there for you if managed!
I would probably plan for your baby to be looked after by a mix of your Mum and a Nursery though as I think it's good for baby to 'socialise' as gets older.

Theresnonamesleft · 16/05/2017 17:40

This is one of the many reasons why I am no Nc with my mum.
I've always been a 10/12 when not pregnant, even as a child I was a normal weight/size. However she had me convinced that I was the fat kid, doesn't help that there's not many pics of me and because of the constant being told I was fat I hid from cameras and never looked at the few pictures until a few years ago.

Anyway, she's a 24+ and always going on about my weight. She would buy herself clothes and see me, give me them telling me there too small for her, but they might fit me. Other times she would mention the size of my belly or my arse. Even when I dropped to a 6, she told me I was fat.

I was so conditioned by her that I never challenged it. Why would I? You are told your mum especially loves you no matter what.

But things changed when she started on my dd's. she didn't like it being called out of her behavior but then again I don't think honk bullies do.i fought fire with fire and every mean comment said to me, I chucked back at her. Felt awful for doing it, no it probably wasn't mature but when you've done nice and nothing you eventually snap.

sonjadog · 16/05/2017 17:41

She is projecting her own issues on to you. Is she a size 16 herself?

Original poster

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 17:41

Mum loves my baby and my nieces and they seam to love being with her. (Baby obviously to young to live being there but nieces love her to bits)
My mum was a great mum when I was a child. She had a break down when I was 11 and was never the same to me after, my sisters don't see any difference in her.

Older sister the most successful and the apple of her eye.

I have a comfy life with partner, we both run our own departments at work (I'm going back part time over 3 days)
Just brought our own 3 bed home with a nice garden for when daughter is a bit bigger. I'm overall happy.

I wouldn't say I have anything that she would be jealous about, she has a lovely big house and my dad pays for everything she wants. Dad seams to notice how she treats me but he hates confronting her as she flips out and sulks like a child.

Sticky situation. I will stop accepting the clothes and try to avoid her company more. I obviously love my mum so don't want to go No contact.

Good to hear similar stories! Thank you ladies for support!

OP posts:

Chickoletta · 16/05/2017 17:42

You need to have it out with her on this. If it turns into a big row, so be it, but you can't allow her to behave like this.

I agree with PPs that I would not be relying on her for childcare if there is any other possibility. If she asks why, tell her.

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money...

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 17:42

Hey, you're lucky that she's buying you clothes and really lucky that she's offering to look after your child! I bet she goes on and on to your sister about how great you are!!

Do you actually believe this? Or is it a trite meaningless way of trying to make the OP feel better?

Original poster

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 17:42

My spelling is awful! I'm currently Breast feeding and typing at the same time! Sorry

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.