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Original poster

Mother insinuating I'm bigger than what I am? Upsetting me daily.

97 replies

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 16:43

I don't really know if this is unreasonable or if I'm just being sensitive. Sad

I'm on maternity leave. Things are good, moving into our first mortgaged home and baby fine... the problem is my mum.

I moved 5 mins away from her to help with childcare when I go back to work so we're seeing a lot more of each other at the moment.

She keeps buying me Size 16 clothes and even an 18 the other day.... (really thoughtful to get me clothes, I buy more than enough for myself but she still feels the need to pick stuff up for me and my sisters sometimes)

I do politely mention that she doesn't need to buy me clothes and that I'm not a size 16...I'm a 12. I was a tiny 8 before the baby.

Along with the bigger clothes come the slide comments about my weight and appearance. It's beginning to make me resent her... my sisters join in too.

Partner loves my body and says he likes the bigger love handles and bum! I wasn't that concerned until the constant remarks from her.

It's not just weight comments, she always criticises my parenting and what I'm doing Day to day.

Writing this having a sob, she never used to be like this.
I feel ungrateful and rude about obviously not being able to wear the clothes, yet angry and sad about the way I'm treated. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
PaintingOwls · 16/05/2017 17:44

She's doing the golden child / black sheep routine.

You need to move away from her and cut contact dramatically because this will poison you and your child if she's exposed to it from day 1. Imagine your little girl internalising that she's fat.

The only rational explanation I can think of is that sizes were smaller back in her day and she's going by that?? But that's me scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Saj1988 · 16/05/2017 17:45

Yes and my mother was the same. I do not have daughters but having had a mother who was always eyeing me up to see how much weight I had put on I swore that if I was to have any I would only tell them that they were beautiful. My future daughter in law is a size 12 and her mother is always telling her to watch what she eats. It makes her feel miserable and does nothing for her self esteem. What is it with these women? My advice would be to tell your mother that you don't wish to discuss size or weight with her at the moment and to please stop buying clothes for you.

trulybadlydeeply · 16/05/2017 17:47

What dress size is she, OP?

Original poster
pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 17:49

Mum is a 14 bottom and 16 top... so is my elder sister.
Younger sister is a 10.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 16/05/2017 17:49

My Mum did this with me for years. Eventually one day I blew and made it clear that she was not to comment my appearance ever. Neither compliments or insults - no comment at all was to happen (I had tried the no insult only route before but it seemed like she didn´t really understand how insulting some of her comments were). It was a bit fraught at the time, but she did take it on board. It´s maybe 15 years now since last time she commented by appearance, so it was well worth the immediate unpleasantness. We get on fine and spend plenty of time together - but the topic of my appearance is just completely off-limits.

Looking back on it now, I realize that the comments were all about her insecurities about her own appearance. She can´t find anything nice about herself. I find it very sad that she has reached her mid-70s and has never been able to look at herself and think that she looks good.

kittybiscuits · 16/05/2017 17:49

Don't let your mother get her claws into your daughter. She sounds toxic. If you let her become a regular carer for your baby, she may go down a legal route for contact when you inevitably go low or no contact with her.

diddl · 16/05/2017 17:49

I don't know how someone could leave their child with someone who treats their own child badly.

sonjadog · 16/05/2017 17:49

Ah, I thought she might be a 16 herself. She doesn´t like it that you are smaller than her. It´s jealousy.

ThePinkOcelot · 16/05/2017 17:50

Why don't you just give them straight back to her saying these are far too big for me, but they should fit you fine.
I can't understand mothers who are like this with their daughters.

Mimilondon39 · 16/05/2017 17:52

I have had a similar situation but I don't think my mum knew how upset it made me - you need to explain it to her OP. Give her a chance to make it up to you.

AdoraBell · 16/05/2017 17:54

I wouldn't leave a young child with her OP, in fact I would considering moving away again to avoid prolonged contact. Not cut off contact completely, but I want to be there to remove DD as soon as the comments start so that she learns that you don't put up with bullshit like this. Especially as she and your sister seem to be gossiping behind your back.

chocatoo · 16/05/2017 17:55

ITooHaveBeenThere yes I do mean it. Goodness, so many of the posts are so cutting about OP's Mum - I feel a bit sorry for her. I often think that my parents praise my sibling a lot and when I mentioned it to him, he said they do the same to him about me!! I don't think it's that uncommon. Anyway, it's just a suggestion!

drinkingtea · 16/05/2017 17:56

Could you call her bluff - ask for the receipts to take them back claiming they are too small and exchange for 12s, then wear them smiling. Go over the top exaggerating the "truth" of all the cruel lies and digs "oh yes I'm the size of a house, DH loves it though, he's really into curves" "oh yes I'm a terrible parent for letting/ not letting DD have a dummy/ cry before she sleeps/ eat jars of ready made food, I will immediately take your sage advice and do as you recommend" (whilst not doing anything different of course).

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 17:56

chocatoo but do they also criticise you and undermine you to your face?

NavyandWhite · 16/05/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondThePage · 16/05/2017 18:00

Just tell her you will go with her and support her whilst she is at the doctor for her memory issues.

When she asks why, just say "you keep buying me size 16 - even though you should know I'm a 10/12, I keep saying, you keep forgetting, are you sure you are OK "

Are you sure she doesn't have memory/senility issues?

Original poster
pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 18:01

Moving away not really an option, we have literally just moved in and it's a dream come true for me. It's a new build and looks over beautiful fields. Great catchment area for schools.

Big sister 32
I'm 22
Little sister 18

OP posts:
chocatoo · 16/05/2017 18:02

ITooHaveBeenThere that's quite hard to answer as they are sometimes quite blunt, but no, they don't. They're pretty great! Anyway, back to OP!

creamycrackers · 16/05/2017 18:05

Hmm, my mother is the same! She is a size 22...isn't it strange it's like they are passing their own insecurities onto the ones who aren't. Yet my sister is the same size as me (10-12) and she will always tell her she is too skinny Confused. I just ignore her. I can't say that I care if I'm too fat or too skinny tbh.

Just smile and wave OP...smile and wave Grin. If she wants to continue to waste money on larger sized clothes, even when you repeatedly tell her your size, put them in a suitcase under your bed and sell them on ebay whenever you would like a shopping spree.

user1479335914 · 16/05/2017 18:10

I think I recognise something here - a scapegoating family dynamic.
You don't have to take this from anyone - least of all your own mother.
Where are your sisters in this? If they are like your mother and not 'on your side ' in life, then this is definitely what is happening, and it can get very ugly and damaging. If people are that negative towards you, even family, walk away! Your health and well-being are at stake if you just go along with it, or spend too much of your time and energy trying to cope with it. Move house away now, and don't plan to rely on her for childcare - the price would be far too heavy for you and your DC. Once away from them and their negative expectations of you, you will get more self-esteem. You are not wimpy by the way.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 18:11

chocatoo Well it's not quite the same then...

pig Tell her to stop if you think it'll help. In some cases it can make it worse, it depends why she's doing it. And you'll know from her response whether it's intentional or not.

drinkingtea · 16/05/2017 18:11

I agree not to let her be alone with your DD, as she'll pass her body image issues along even if only subconsciously, and you don't want your DD being labelled the "dumpy cousin, takes after her mum, eldest sister's DD is so beautiful and slim" ... She'll internalise comments like that, and your mum might well say them "lovingly" about your DD from toddlerhood and set the family labels in place...

My mum has messed up deeply ingrained issues about weight which she passed on -

I know eating disorders are mental illnesses and usually nobody's "fault" but I can't help but thinking her constant deep obsession with controlling food intake (both when she felt it was too little, and too much) from babyhood through to leaving home, and fixed labelling of her DDs and comments on everybody's weight as their defining characteristic contributed to the fact one DD is anorexic and and another was bulimic...

Original poster
pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 18:11

It's my 23rd birthday next month and she told me to go shopping for stuff that makes me look the same age as my older sister....

maybe her issue is my age? I'm 22.She sometimes says that I should have done more before settling down.

BUT I'm very happy and lucky to have what I have so I don't know Confused

Btw, I don't think I dress young! I work in fashion ffs! ConfusedEnvy

OP posts:
ITooHaveBeenThere · 16/05/2017 18:13

Btw, I don't think I dress young! I work in fashion ffs!

If you can't dress young at 22, then when can you?!!

My mother used to say similar things to me. One that she used to criticse me for (long before children) was going out.

She told me I shouldn't be going clubbing on my 21st birthday because I was too old and would look ridiculous. Although I think it was the mohawk and biker boots that she objected to the most Wink

talullahmac · 16/05/2017 18:16

It sounds like she's jealous of you. Did she have the opportunity to work after her kids were born? Our generation is pretty foreign to our parents. If she is being competitive it might be better to get away because if she starts undermining your parenting with your daughter ("I am looking after her therefore I am more important to her") it might be impossible to forgive. So I'd say put her back in the "Granny" box and she can follow your rules. Too much "in my day" will do for any mother/daughter relationship, but you do want presumably to preserve a relationship between your daughter and her grandmother, so a bit of distance with you firmly in the driving seat might be best for all.

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