Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Mother insinuating I'm bigger than what I am? Upsetting me daily.

97 replies

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 16:43

I don't really know if this is unreasonable or if I'm just being sensitive.

I'm on maternity leave. Things are good, moving into our first mortgaged home and baby fine... the problem is my mum.

I moved 5 mins away from her to help with childcare when I go back to work so we're seeing a lot more of each other at the moment.

She keeps buying me Size 16 clothes and even an 18 the other day.... (really thoughtful to get me clothes, I buy more than enough for myself but she still feels the need to pick stuff up for me and my sisters sometimes)

I do politely mention that she doesn't need to buy me clothes and that I'm not a size 16...I'm a 12. I was a tiny 8 before the baby.

Along with the bigger clothes come the slide comments about my weight and appearance. It's beginning to make me resent her... my sisters join in too.

Partner loves my body and says he likes the bigger love handles and bum! I wasn't that concerned until the constant remarks from her.

It's not just weight comments, she always criticises my parenting and what I'm doing Day to day.

Writing this having a sob, she never used to be like this.
I feel ungrateful and rude about obviously not being able to wear the clothes, yet angry and sad about the way I'm treated. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 18:20

I know 22 is young but I tend to dress a bit more 'mummy' so I can get down and play with baby and stay active.

Used to wear tight clothes and heels everyday to work and had new hair put in every 6 months.

I dress older now, but not too old!

Maybe she thinks I have let my self go too?

My mind is trying to search for a reason for her being so mean.

OP posts:

carefreeeee · 16/05/2017 18:21

You need to make it clear that you won't put up with comments about your appearance. I had to do this with my mother who was always going on about how I was short/fat/dumpy. She herself is obsessed with her weight and skeletally thin (7st 12 at 5 ft 7). I am a normal average size I now realise (size 8-10 from M and S, size 12-14 elsehwere..) (although for years I thought I was really fat)

My mother is generally fine and we get on well, she just has this one hang up. One day I asked her (probably shouted a bit actually) never to make another comment about my appearance ever again because it was unpleasant and I didn't like it. She was a bit taken aback but has been much better since and only occasionally makes a positive comment but generally says nothing.

picklemepopcorn · 16/05/2017 18:26

She is mean because of her inner world, not because of you. Return the clothes to her saying 'that is so kind, but they drown me. Maybe they would suit you or big sis'.

It is possible she is kind about you when you are not there. My DM does this. Each of us thinks the other is the golden ish child, though she is never that nice, TBH!

Mainly, be glad that you are a 12, with a lovely baby, home, job and DP. What she says is more about her than you. Perhaps they are jealous, who knows. All that matters is knowing that it isn't about you, and learning to ignore it.

DayMoth · 16/05/2017 18:26

Why not try them on so she can see they're too big? If you're a 12 a 16 will look ridiculous on you, trousers won't even stay up! I'd put them on and say 'do you think this is my size?' and see what she says. She can hardly deny she's bought the wrong size if she sees it doesn't fit.

LightDrizzle · 16/05/2017 18:32

Please don't let her be childcare. She will belittle you to your child. "Hasn't mummy sent you with a cardigan? Silly mummy! Does she want you to get cold?" Etc.

Original poster

pigyoinkoinks · 16/05/2017 18:51

Thanks ladies, all of you have been really helpful.

I was a bit worried about posting! Put it off for a few days.

I think I need to be stronger and more assertive for sure! I feel rather pathetic that she makes me shrink and feel like a little mouse.

If I do use my mum for childcare it will simply be until daughter is 1. I was thinking about only doing 2.5 days at work instead of 3 as I really want to spend time with her and for us to grow together as she grows and to teach her things.

Partner is having her 1 full day and mother was meant to have her for 2.

OP posts:

AyUpMiDuck · 16/05/2017 18:53

If you can't dress the way you want at 22, with an independent income and your own family, then you never will.
Why do you need the approval of someone who has such poor judgement? Let it flow over you and do Not Let Her be the sole child minder in your baby's early years.

Surround yourself with people who are your cheerleaders and who (lovely Americanism) have "got your back".

DustyMaiden · 16/05/2017 19:01

I'm 55 and my DD wears a 12, I wouldn't have estimated that correctly as her clothes are considerably bigger than a 12 was when I was her age, it could be a genuine error.

Welshrainbow · 16/05/2017 19:08

Next time she brings you clothes ask her til hold the baby a minute while you try the clothes on then ask her how you look with the clothes falling off. She should soon get the message.

Zumbumba · 16/05/2017 19:11

I think you have to remember it's about her, not you.

She perhaps has issues about her weight and uses you to feel better about herself. My mum is like this - called me fat at 9 months pregnant when I was still slimmer than she was.

I wouldn't confront her over it, unless you think she'll change. Let her and your sisters be their miserable selves and as far as you can, rise above and enjoy living your life the way you want, it sounds like you're well on your way.

If she insinuates you're fat, think of it as her calling herself fat. And give away any clothes she gives you, they're yours to do what you want with. Or firmly explain you don't need any. There can be a middle ground between confronting and accepting/internalising and that is simply to let it go.

BuckinghamLass · 16/05/2017 19:49

"I'm 55 and my DD wears a 12, I wouldn't have estimated that correctly as her clothes are considerably bigger than a 12 was when I was her age, it could be a genuine error."

But that's not the issue here - would you keep buying your DD size 16 clothes even after she's told you she's size 12?

Ohyesiam · 16/05/2017 21:35

my mind is searching for reasons why she is being so mean
Op, the reason I'd nothing to do with you, it's all her. It's not to do with her thinking you've " let yourself go " etc. For some reason, she feels she can get away with being unkind to you, in my family it was jealousy, which I think is common. And besides, she can think you've let yourself go, and do something kind like offer to babysit when you go to the gym, but she's chosen to be mean.
I've seen this in families a lot, one child is made the " bad " one. The person doing it usually make them self unapproachable by being very stroppy/ sulky/ difficult if criticised.
Sounds as if you have your dad on board, let him know how you feel, and find ways to stand up to your mum, by calling her on it when she does it.
You mentioned up thread that you sounded like a pathetic 12 year old , please don't give yourself a hard time. This behaviour works BECAUSE it makes you feel like that. If it didn't you would just turn round the first time and say don't speak to me like that. It relies on the closeness of your connection and the fact that you are hurt ( because your mum should be your best ally , not undermine you), rather than angry.

C0RAL · 16/05/2017 23:53

I'm 55 and my DD wears a 12, I wouldn't have estimated that correctly as her clothes are considerably bigger than a 12 was when I was her age, it could be a genuine error

I'm also 55 and I am familiar with modern sizes because I have bought clothes more recently than 1979.

Also if I buy clothes for my DD and she tells me they are the wrong size then I ltake note so I can buy the correct size next time.

ChasedByBees · 17/05/2017 00:02

Please don't use her for childcare. She will undermine you and you don't want to feel as bad about your parenting as you do about this situation. She will not be a help to you.

If she's upset about not being used, then tough, she should treat you better.

HanShootsFirst · 17/05/2017 00:11

I think your username is telling. There clearly are weight issues running through this. She may be jealous of you. She may also be afraid that now you're a mother you will judge her for the breakdown that she had which essentially left you motherless. So she goes on the attack instead. None of them are a healthy dynamic.

Original poster

pigyoinkoinks · 17/05/2017 05:07

@HanShootsFirst no my username is after those little packets of crisps that were out as a child...haven't seen them in years. I'm happy being a small 12/10. Partner makes me feel good about it.

It's just her comments that get me down/ end up questioning things.

Thanks everyone for the support!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 06:05

I would definitely advise against using your mother then changing it. This may end up being far more traumatic for your dd than finding appropriate childcare, that you use long term. A younger child is generally more accepting of childcare changes than an older one. And what about the ructions it will cause for your mum. How about using her once a week and a cm for the other days? Then you can see how well this pans out. Some nursery staff in the baby room are also very very caring.

I also wouldn't want my mother to have a massive influence over my child as she has some very strange ideas. One day a week really is enough - too much in fact. Your dd is only a baby and she will grow and be her own person. My mother is a far better grandmother than mother but I wouldn't want her looking after my dd (8) regularly. I'm the scapegoat. Brother is golden child.

I see your older sister is the size 16. Perhaps say "Ooh that's lovely, pity it's going to be too big for me. Do you want to give this to big sis or should I put it in the charity bag?" It sounds to me as if she has issues with weight and you couldn't possibly be slimmer than her preferred golden child .

DoJo · 17/05/2017 07:11

DustyMaiden

I'm 55 and my DD wears a 12, I wouldn't have estimated that correctly as her clothes are considerably bigger than a 12 was when I was her age, it could be a genuine error.

But you must buy clothes for yourself duty? I doubt that is just your daughter's clothes that have changed size, so unless you are incapable of judging her size relative to yours, that argument doesn't really stack up.

problembottom · 17/05/2017 08:39

My DM is like this. I always remember this ridiculous situation where I was a size 6/8 at 5ft7 and everyone else was telling me I looked a bit boney and to stop dieting. We went to John Lewis where I wanted to buy a dressing gown. DM insisted I needed a M or L not a S and laughed how "people like us" (she's a size 16) would never be slim like our SIL who is very petite. It really upset me, she wouldn't let it drop and was acting like I was delusional.

Sad how common this is. Now I'm a bit older I seem to have gained the ability to just ignore her tho!

Original poster

pigyoinkoinks · 17/05/2017 09:11

The plan was 3 days at work, partner would look after her for 1 of those days on his day off and mother the other 2 days.

I'm tempted to work only 2.5 days (20 hours) and mum only do 1.5 days with baby.

Then as soon as daughter turns 1 I'll ease her into childcare and stop the days with my mum.
Then start upping my work hours again slowly.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 17/05/2017 10:01

Sounds like a plan op.

Worth bearing in mind that the free 15hours which kicks in when baby is three works out at about two days full time at an all year nursery. So you will only pay full fees for two years.

If you were feeling generous you could wonder about whether she's struggling with being a granny relatively young, as you have had your baby relatively young. But absolutely no excuse for her behaviour

Jollypirates3 · 17/05/2017 11:04

Put them on in front of her and point out they are too big and would suit her much more. Put them in a carrier and leave with her handbag

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.