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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being too harsh on DD??

104 replies

FataliePorkman · 15/05/2017 17:00

DD1 is 17 today.

Saturday night we agreed she could stay out later than usual as her friend was having a house party- we told her to be home for 2am. Her boyfriend was bringing her home and staying over.

Anyway DH was still sat downstairs at 1am and I told him to come to bed as we needed to trust DD and as she is nearly an adult she needs to start to make her own decisions. He does baby her a lot- but seems to forget that we moved in together at 16 and had our own fun without our parents breathing down out necks and I feel DD deserves the same respect as she is a good kid most of the time.

Anyway DD stumbled in about 2.30. DH started a row with her about being late which woke up me, DD2 and my parents who were over for the weekend to see DD1 for her birthday.

Sent DH back to bed and put DD to bed- asked where her BF was and she told me he had stayed out and she had come home and had got a cab.

Anyway yesterday morning DH parents came over for lunch and we were sat down when the police knocked on the door- DDs boyfriend has stolen a sizable amount of money from the house where the party was and was also found to be in possession of marijuana.

DD is not in trouble- the police came to talk her as the girl didn't know her boyfriend so gave the police her details.

DH is fuming. We were not aware DDs boyfriend smoked pot- but as far as I'm concerned it isn't our business and DD insists she hasn't touched it and I do believe that but doesn't see our concern about the fact he has been driving her around stoned.

We have brought her a car for her birthday which we are collecting on Thursday- we have just paid a deposit and will pay the balance on collection. DH has now said he isn't prepared to contribute towards the car.

Family members and friends have given her a generous amount of money to do an intensive driving course.

DH is pissed off with DD anyway as she has not made an effort to get a part time job and I will admit it annoys me a little too when she is only at college 3 days a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 16/05/2017 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmyrose2000 · 16/05/2017 12:57

What age are you Rosa? Because I'm 43 and certainly wasn't the case when I was a teen. I had a very wide circle of friends then and still do. Not one of us touched any drugs. Hell, about 80% of us never even tried a cigarette. I never met anyone who used coke until 5 years ago

I must have been an abnormal teen then. I had a brain for myself. I knew smoking was bad for me so I never did it. I was constantly on at my dad to quit (and eventually I won out on that). Never once did I think "I'll do something stupid just to piss my Dad off"

Same here, ShatnersWig. I've never even touched a cigarette, let alone smoked one or tried anything harder. Ditto my kids. From what I know of their friends, they're not into drugs either.

The only two people I know peripherally who've been involved in drugs started in their teens and went downhill from there.

I've always trusted my kids to pick their own friends, but if they ever got involved with a drug dealing, thieving partner we'd be having a very serious talk.

SheldonsSpot · 16/05/2017 13:52

I'm with your DH.

Your DD has proven herself to be workshy, can't stick to a curfew, has an appalling lack of judgement, is probably a liar (hasn't tried marijuana herself - hmm right okay) and has chosen a theiving stoner as a boyfriend.

And for this, you want to reward her with a car. Bonkers.

JaniceBattersby · 16/05/2017 14:03

I do know that my DH would go totally mental over something like this. There is no way he'd agree to a 2pm curfew for a start. With the boyfriend issue thrown into the mix, DD would be grounded for months! He would wants to meet any boy she was dating anyway to set ground rules. He is Lebanese though and probably slightly OTT.

Grounded? Curfew?! Grin

How do you ground a 17-year-old? You have to let her make her own choices. They might not be the ones you would make, but otherwise how will she learn? Withholding the car is ridiculous. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 16/05/2017 14:13

Unless I'm missing something your DD has done nothing wrong ok she was half an hour late coming home but is that really worthy of refusing to get her the car. The stuff with the boyfriend not her fault you can't punish her for the stupid mistakes her boyfriend makes.

halcyondays · 16/05/2017 14:24

I think your DH has a point.

GeorgeTheHamster · 16/05/2017 14:28

My kids are that age and I was reading thinking - okay, half an hour late, no big deal, kept herself safe so that's good...

But her judgement is way off, the boyfriend is a wrong un AND YOU NEVER GET IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO IS STONED.

So that's what you need to talk to her about. I'm not sure about the car, you've ordered it now. But you can always SORN it if she doesn't step up to her half of the bargain.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/05/2017 17:39

I do know that my DH would go totally mental over something like this. There is no way he'd agree to a 2pm curfew for a start. With the boyfriend issue thrown into the mix, DD would be grounded for months! He would wants to meet any boy she was dating anyway to set ground rules. He is Lebanese though and probably slightly OTT

I was living with dp in our own flat and had a full time job in a bank at 17. Times have changed.

DD is allowed to go where ever she likes but must let me know where she is and who she is with. I get called over protective

FrancisCrawford · 16/05/2017 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ka1eidosc0pe · 16/05/2017 18:05

Many (most)? 17 year-olds are living at home doing their first year of A-levels or other full time course. There is no way DH or me would routinely accept our DD crashing in at 2.30! If you live at home you abide by the rules and basic courtesy, surely? Of course you can make expectations clear.

isadoradancing123 · 16/05/2017 18:44

Well having a thief for a boyfriend would be strongly discouraged and he certainly would not be staying over at my house.. you are buying her a car and then complaining she won't get a job, why should she when you funding her

FrancisCrawford · 16/05/2017 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/05/2017 01:32

Yes getting into a car with her bf whilst he is stoned is bad judgement on her part. That is why she needs her own car. If it takes her remaining sober on a night out with him to sharpen her judgement about him it is money well spent

Her bf stealing, might have been the final straw for their relationship. Your dh with holding her birthday present just drives them together.

Dm was a bit like your dh. It got to the stage if I was unsure I was going to get back in time. I.e. Might be a couple of minutes late I wouldn't bother going home. The fallout was the same if I was 2 minutes / 2 hours or 2 days late.

She also picked a fight on a big milestone birthday and spent the day screaming at me. I went completely NC with her a few months later

Atenco · 17/05/2017 02:12

I'm just curious, are you going to allow the thieving boyfriend back into your house?

Pallisers · 17/05/2017 02:43

Yes getting into a car with her bf whilst he is stoned is bad judgement on her part. That is why she needs her own car.

No that is why she needs to demonstrate that she has an adult brain before being given a car.

This thread is mental to me. I have an almost 17 year old and a 20 year old. That I would tolerate a 17 year old in school coming home at 2 am is beyond me. This is a major culture shock between UK society and where I live tbh.

Yes kids drink and drug where I am. But their parents don't accept it as normal and they don't let them off to do whatever after the age of 16.

Pallisers · 17/05/2017 02:46

I don't think you can forbid a 17 year old to smoke pot.

Like this statement for example.

I would agree it mightn't work - and that would be another problem -
but the idea that you can't forbid a 17 year old who is entirely dependent on you from smoking pot ... like seriously??

FrancisCrawford · 17/05/2017 05:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/05/2017 08:29

Some 17 year olds are not in school or college they are working.

blerp · 17/05/2017 08:29

Parents are there to socialise and teach about authority amongst other things.

Her getting some stigma/punishment for associating with those who steal etc whether she was involved or not which she could easily have been even if you think she's an angel, teenagers do silly things and lie is not a bad lesson actually. Both society and the state literally do this. Shit sticks, better to learn that now than later when she can't join the police, or travel to certain countries, or gets a reputation for being a criminal in her own community.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/05/2017 08:33

Shit sticks, better to learn that now than later when she can't join the police, or travel to certain countries, or gets a reputation for being a criminal in her own community.

You do know she hasn't actually done anything that would get her even suspected of doing anything. Let alone arrested or charged with anything

ShatnersWig · 17/05/2017 08:39

Olivers But she's one step away from being involved. She's clearly very foolish or naive or with poor judgement because she knows this bloke buys weed for his friends and sees nothing wrong with that (technically it is dealing despite what she says) and is happy to be driven around by someone while they are stoned.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/05/2017 09:07

Big difference between one step away and doing.

DD is 17 and it is a different world out there.

DD is considered an oddity with some of her friends. She doesn't drink by choice. She had a few sips and hated the taste. She doesn't smoke either.
A few of dds friends are tea total but a lot neck gin, smoke weed and snort coke like it is going out of fashion. Just because she knows people who do this doesnt mean she does. I too let dd have a car knowing she cherishes her freedom and in order to drive she cant drink which means she sees what her friends get up to when drunk and as she puts it.
"it is so tacky"
A few friendships have changed.

The strictest father I know of dds friends is the friend who gets up to all sorts
Her father is always grounding her or taking away her phone for stupid reasons. It just means when she goes out she is then not contactable and she goes wild

ShatnersWig · 17/05/2017 09:28

Olivers Yes, but someone that naive and foolish in the first place is far more likely to slip and follow his lead than someone like your sensible DD.

Elphaba99 · 17/05/2017 09:34

Might not be popular but I'm with your DH to a point. If she is only in college 3 days a week and CBA to get a p/t job, why are you buying her a car as a bday present? What incentive does she have to get a part time job?

Good on her for getting herself home in a taxi, and I think DH should commend her for that. Could she not have texted though to say she'd be late and why?

Your DH is NBU to wait up for a dd that has only just turned 17. Nor is he BU to have second thoughts about giving her a car when she apparently has no intention to contribute towards even running costs by getting a p/t job.

As for the stoner BF - my DH would probably try to ban him from the bloody house! He certainly would NOT be allowed to drive DD anywhere while he's still smoking weed. He's breaking the bloody law for one thing - if he turned up pissed, would you let your dd get in the car with him driving? Because there is no difference.

So sorry, on balance I don't think your DH IBU. She may be 17 but she's not an adult, and she is still dependent on you and your DH.

Atenco · 17/05/2017 14:47

DDs boyfriend has stolen a sizable amount of money from the house where the party was

I'm a bit surprised that people seem to be totally ignoring the fact that this young man is a thief and not just a thief, but someone who steals from his hosts.

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