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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being too harsh on DD??

104 replies

FataliePorkman · 15/05/2017 17:00

DD1 is 17 today.

Saturday night we agreed she could stay out later than usual as her friend was having a house party- we told her to be home for 2am. Her boyfriend was bringing her home and staying over.

Anyway DH was still sat downstairs at 1am and I told him to come to bed as we needed to trust DD and as she is nearly an adult she needs to start to make her own decisions. He does baby her a lot- but seems to forget that we moved in together at 16 and had our own fun without our parents breathing down out necks and I feel DD deserves the same respect as she is a good kid most of the time.

Anyway DD stumbled in about 2.30. DH started a row with her about being late which woke up me, DD2 and my parents who were over for the weekend to see DD1 for her birthday.

Sent DH back to bed and put DD to bed- asked where her BF was and she told me he had stayed out and she had come home and had got a cab.

Anyway yesterday morning DH parents came over for lunch and we were sat down when the police knocked on the door- DDs boyfriend has stolen a sizable amount of money from the house where the party was and was also found to be in possession of marijuana.

DD is not in trouble- the police came to talk her as the girl didn't know her boyfriend so gave the police her details.

DH is fuming. We were not aware DDs boyfriend smoked pot- but as far as I'm concerned it isn't our business and DD insists she hasn't touched it and I do believe that but doesn't see our concern about the fact he has been driving her around stoned.

We have brought her a car for her birthday which we are collecting on Thursday- we have just paid a deposit and will pay the balance on collection. DH has now said he isn't prepared to contribute towards the car.

Family members and friends have given her a generous amount of money to do an intensive driving course.

DH is pissed off with DD anyway as she has not made an effort to get a part time job and I will admit it annoys me a little too when she is only at college 3 days a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 16/05/2017 07:07

She has also admitted he has driven her stoned

This is extremely poor judgement on her part. Someone who makes such stupid decisions isn't ready for her own car.

My kids have been told on pain of death that they are never EVER to get in a vehicle being driven by someone who has consumed alcohol or drugs. (Thankfully I don't think their friends are druggies, but you just never know). If they find themselves in that situation they are to call a taxi which I will pay for once they arrive home, or DH or I will pick them up, regardless of time.

haveacupoftea · 16/05/2017 07:11

*Doesn't she care about the environment?
*
I don't think this is most teenagers first consideration when being given a new car Confused

OhTheRoses · 16/05/2017 07:19

I'm with your DH here. If the police turned up at my house because if the company one of the children were keeping let alone a 17year old's thieving, drug taking boyfriend, there would be significant consequences. There must be major boundary/expectation issues. Your DD needs to shape up - if this what you want her future to be?

emmyrose2000 · 16/05/2017 08:02

You have way bigger issues than DD arriving home half an hour late.

I'd be more focused on the fact that she wants to have a druggie boyfriend and doing something about THAT.

ShatnersWig · 16/05/2017 08:23

I'm with your DH for the most part. I wouldn't have gone overboard about being half an hour late but I'd certainly have had words. She's a teenager and you have rules. You allowed her to stay out later than normal and she came back late. You have to say something about that otherwise she will just do as she pleases another time.

So, you're buying her this car, and family are paying for an intensive driving course but who is paying for the insurance (which will be significant)? And the petrol for DD to get from A to B? Presumably you're paying for the insurance, as if she's not working, she can't afford that. But then she can't afford the petrol either. What's the point in buying someone a car who can't afford to run it? It's just going to be sat somewhere not being used. I wouldn't have bought the car until she had a part time job so she could maintain it.

If she gets into her boyfriend's car when he is stoned and is aware he buys drugs for his friends then she's foolish and naive (at best). She's probably let him drive her car while stoned one time. What would happen if she got pulled over by the police (even for something like a rear tail light being faulty) and they smelled the weed on him and they searched him and found all that cannabis on him?

If she continues to see this bloke knowing he is a thief, I would be seriously unhappy about it. I assume he will no longer be welcome to stay over at your house (not sure I'd have allowed that at her age anyway).

manueltowers · 16/05/2017 08:30

I'm really surprised so many people say that DH is overreacting!

DD might be 17yo but that doesn't mean she doesn't have to be responsible. She was late home (yes, maybe only 30 mins but 2am is pretty generous anyway for a just-turned 17yo), her BF does drugs and brought the police to your door, and she's admitted to getting in the car with him while he was stoned.

I wouldn't be contributing to a car for her either! If she's that desperate she can get a job and save for one herself - car isn't a right just because you've had your 17th birthday!

Beebeeeight · 16/05/2017 08:31

Do you live very rurally?

Does she need a car to get to work?

It seems dp is being quite harsh but maybe the car was too extravagant anyway?

FrancisCrawford · 16/05/2017 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 16/05/2017 08:35

I would also be very concerned about her wanting to have a druggie boyfriend and getting into his car when he is stoned. But this is precisely why I would want to keep channels of communication open and not get into a row over being half an hour later. Because right now, you can't afford that. You can't afford anything that makes her think her useless thieving boyfriend is a better option. You need to represent good manners and common sense and the positive alternative to everything she is. This doesn't mean you can't express disapproval, but you need to do it very calmly and stick to essentials. Praise her for getting the taxi. Wish her happy birthday. Make it clear to her that you are on her side, just not on the side of the boyfriend.

hackmum · 16/05/2017 08:42

My DD is slightly older. I wouldn't have let her stay out until 2am at that age, let alone 2.30, but given you did let her stay out till 2am, then half an hour late isn't too bad.

I'd be very worried indeed about the druggy, thieving boyfriend, particularly if he's driving while stoned. Have you had much contact with him in the past? Do you know what he's like?

I also wouldn't give a 17-year old a birthday present of a car, especially if they hadn't yet learned to drive (why not wait to see what kind of car they're comfortable driving?) but I guess that's not my business.

But I don't think there's any point in making a connection, as your DH is doing, between the car and the staying out late/druggy boyfriend. Two separate issues.

missyB1 · 16/05/2017 08:53

She doesn't sound mature enough to own her own car yet, and she has refused to contribute towards it by working. I would put the car plans on hold until she has worked for the family business and saved some money.
The drug dealing boyfriend is a worry, you don't want his drugs in her car.

ShatnersWig · 16/05/2017 08:58

hackmum asked "Have you had much contact with him in the past? Do you know what he's like?" I should bloody well hope so seeing as he was supposed to be staying over at their house that night!

BluePeppers · 16/05/2017 09:01

It actually looks like your DH has major issues iwth yes u dd growing up andnthat he still sees her like a baby (so can't be trusted to get back on time, can't be trusted with her bf etc...)
Whilst at the same time, expecting her to behave the way you did at that age, i.e. earn her own money, have a part time job etc...

I think your DH will need to start let go. He can't be asking her to behave like an adult, get a job etc... AND at the same time still be his little girl that does as he says!

BluePeppers · 16/05/2017 09:02

Also what cory said.

The most important thing just now is the keep communications channels open.

I would add though that the way your DH reacted, which was a telling off as if she was still 12yo, isn't conductive to her taking responsibility at all. She is more likely to think 'stuff it' than to try and solve the issue in a more adult manner...

diddl · 16/05/2017 09:03

I think that he overreacted about being half an hr late.

That said, 2am-for a 17yr old!

So, a car as a present but she can't drive yet?

WTF is going on?

I would certainly be re thinking the car tbh as she seems so irresponsible.

thatdearoctopus · 16/05/2017 09:06

I'd rather she was driving herself around than being driven by him. If you refuse to provide a car for her, she's likely to be relying on him more.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 16/05/2017 09:09

The staying out late is a bit of an overreaction, and what your DDs BF does isn't her fault. That said, I see why he's unwilling to pay for a car for someone who condones drug driving.
Getting in a car with someone who is drunk or on drugs is ridiculous, potentially life threatening and extremely selfish and I think he's right to kick up about that.
Also, I wouldn't be funding a car or a social life unless she was studying or got a job. But everything else has to take a back seat to making her understand how bloody dangerous getting in a car with someone who is stoned is. He could kill someone, he could wipe out a family, he could kill HER. The fact she doesn't get it is very very worrying.

innagazing · 16/05/2017 09:15

Having her own car is actually the best way forward, as she'll not be dependent on other people, including the boyfriend, for transport. You will be able to see her when she comes home and assess that she's not driven under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Let's hope she ditches the boyfriend if he's a thief. I guess he won't be staying at your house anymore?
Your daughter did really well coming home by taxi on her birthday night out, albeit a little later, but may have had to wait for a cab etc.
Btw, 'buying dope for your friends' is deemed as dealing.

diddl · 16/05/2017 09:22

If she got a job she could pay for taxis...

Gottagetmoving · 16/05/2017 09:26

If your DD is usually a 'good girl' I think you are overreacting to this.
It is always daft to confront someone and have a go at them when they come in drunk at 2.30 am. What would you achieve?
It is something to be talked about the next day.
She is not responsible for what her BF does but she needs to think about whether she wants to mix with someone who may have stolen money and smokes pot ( although many teenagers do try pot at some point.)
Your DD had the sense to get herself home despite her BF staying out.
Not looking for a part time job? Meh,...there are thousands of young people who have to be pushed in that direction.
I would not buy her a car until after she has passed her test.
If she has got to 17 and this is the first time you have had this sort of problem with her, I think you are fortunate.
It is time to have a sensible discussion with her, not dole out punishments and hit the roof.

Bloosh · 16/05/2017 09:27

I'd be praising my dd for getting herself out of a difficult situation. Half an hour late shows that she is actually respecting the curfew and pushing the boundary a little.

Your DH is being overly harsh and escalating conflict to a stupid level.

Peanutbutterrules · 16/05/2017 09:28

Being a bit late - not a big deal.

Loser boyfriend - YIKES. That's your issue. You need to be talking to her, and hopefully she will start making better choices of boyfriend. The car is a side/non issue but its bonkers to give a kid a car when they can't drive.

voldemort777 · 16/05/2017 09:28

I think it's a bit strange people are saying 2.30am is very late for a 17 year old.
I moved out and stayed in uni halls when I was 17, so did many of my friends.

TestTubeTeen · 16/05/2017 09:30

So she took the initiative to get a taxi and come home once she realised Bf wasn't coming, probably had to wait for a taxi, was half an hour late and your DH is punishing her for the actions of her BF?

And for the fact that you and he had not sorted out in advance that she might work for you?

Lots of issues getting conflated here.

Very unpleasant of your DH to spoil her birthday Sad

She's of an age to leave (like you and DH did.). Don't push her unless you really want her to go.

RhiWrites · 16/05/2017 09:31

Think very carefully... Is this a time you want to be the restrictive unfair parents who she complains about to her boyfriend? Or is this a time to be the loving supportive parents who facilitate freedom and new opportunities?

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