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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is being too harsh on DD??

104 replies

FataliePorkman · 15/05/2017 17:00

DD1 is 17 today.

Saturday night we agreed she could stay out later than usual as her friend was having a house party- we told her to be home for 2am. Her boyfriend was bringing her home and staying over.

Anyway DH was still sat downstairs at 1am and I told him to come to bed as we needed to trust DD and as she is nearly an adult she needs to start to make her own decisions. He does baby her a lot- but seems to forget that we moved in together at 16 and had our own fun without our parents breathing down out necks and I feel DD deserves the same respect as she is a good kid most of the time.

Anyway DD stumbled in about 2.30. DH started a row with her about being late which woke up me, DD2 and my parents who were over for the weekend to see DD1 for her birthday.

Sent DH back to bed and put DD to bed- asked where her BF was and she told me he had stayed out and she had come home and had got a cab.

Anyway yesterday morning DH parents came over for lunch and we were sat down when the police knocked on the door- DDs boyfriend has stolen a sizable amount of money from the house where the party was and was also found to be in possession of marijuana.

DD is not in trouble- the police came to talk her as the girl didn't know her boyfriend so gave the police her details.

DH is fuming. We were not aware DDs boyfriend smoked pot- but as far as I'm concerned it isn't our business and DD insists she hasn't touched it and I do believe that but doesn't see our concern about the fact he has been driving her around stoned.

We have brought her a car for her birthday which we are collecting on Thursday- we have just paid a deposit and will pay the balance on collection. DH has now said he isn't prepared to contribute towards the car.

Family members and friends have given her a generous amount of money to do an intensive driving course.

DH is pissed off with DD anyway as she has not made an effort to get a part time job and I will admit it annoys me a little too when she is only at college 3 days a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:

autumnmonths · 16/05/2017 09:32

She sounds quite sensible getting herself a cab and leaving him to get on with whatever he was doing. Perhaps she didn't approve.
However, buying drugs for his friends is actually dealing in the eyes of the law. If you hand someone a joint to smoke you are dealing. That's the advice the police were giving out to our teens recently.
You should be able to smell it on her if she's doing it too.

Gottagetmoving · 16/05/2017 09:40

I don't think you can forbid a 17 year old to smoke pot.
You can forbid them to do it in your home.
You should discuss it, make sure they understand the effects and what they arr doing and then trust them to make the right decision.

When my daughter was 21 she told me that she had smoked pot a few times when she was 17 and 18. It was not something I could have prevented any more than my mother could have stopped me drinking alcohol when I was 15, if she had known that I had!

TBH - your daughter sounds quite sensible generally. Your DH is definitely overreacting.

AceholeRimmer · 16/05/2017 09:41

I can't see what she has done wrong at all. Your DH is being ridiculous.

diddl · 16/05/2017 09:45

She sounds sensible for getting a taxi?

Well yes, but it was just the obvious thing to do, surely-no big deal?

OnionKnight · 16/05/2017 09:53

I can't see what she has done wrong at all. Your DH is being ridiculous.

Besides getting into a car whilst the driver is stoned you mean?

larrygrylls · 16/05/2017 09:59

I am with the H here. Really surprised if many parents in real life would calmly accept their daughter having a drug dealing (even if low level) thief for a boyfriend.

All relationships (including parent/child) need boundaries and consequences. The daughter has failed to make an agreed late time for cool king home and caused the police to call by choosing to keep bad company. The proposed consequences sound relatively mild.

MummyBear1536 · 16/05/2017 10:02

She cba to get herself a job and you're buying her a car? Excellent way of teaching her that everything in life will be handed to her on a plate...

Gottagetmoving · 16/05/2017 10:35

Besides getting into a car whilst the driver is stoned you mean?

She got a taxi.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/05/2017 10:59

I'd rather she was driving herself around than being driven by him. If you refuse to provide a car for her, she's likely to be relying on him more.

This

If she is going to be punished as if she had stayed at the party and left with her stoned thieving bf the next morning, What is the point of her trying to keep to a curfew next time. Your dh needs to put things in perspective.

Her leaving him at the party and coming home alone snd the police arriving to tell what he did, if your dh hadn't lost the plot and there had been a calm approach it might have been the prompt for your dd to dump the waster. All your dh has done is drive her further into his arms
Not getting her the car makes her more reliant on the bf not less

Rosagertrudejekkel · 16/05/2017 11:10

Op I think this is one of those points where you either push her away at a crucial moment in her life where it seems she is happy to confide in you about the truth in her life or where you make her feel so bad and unjustly punished she goes under ground, I know which option I would choose.

I also feel posters need to get into the real world re drugs. When I was a teen they were awash everywhere, every had coke, pills, marujana Lsd etc.

Someone somewhere in all the social friendship groups will be doing it. This is classic experimentation time. You cant stop it, you can only navigate it and to do that I would want an honest open relationship with my DD.

The most I did as teen was drink and smoke M. I was scared and never interested in harder drugs..however if my DP had ever punished me and come down hard on me for for what your DD has done ( being a normal teen) I must admit it may have pushed me to think fuck it - and try the harder stuff.

Totally agree re the car, its a way OTT punishment!! And yes will make her feel rebellious - hate you and push her into other people who can drive and get her away from home.

Rosagertrudejekkel · 16/05/2017 11:12

Also she is 17. Once she has a car and needs to run it, she will need money, again go easy on her for goodness sake she has the rest of her life to work and earn money.....I am sure if you are kind to her - she will soon get herself into gear and start work.

I never understand the hard line moaning nagging approach, I cant see how it benefits anyone.

ChicRock · 16/05/2017 11:16

If my children turn out to be lazy arses who cba to get a job I won't be rewarding them by buying them a car.

See you on here in a year complaining that she still not working and is expecting you to fund her tax, insurance, fuel and maintenance.

OnionKnight · 16/05/2017 11:20

She got a taxi.

On another occasion the DD got in her boyfriend's car whilst he was stoned.

diddl · 16/05/2017 11:25

Buy her a car because if not she'll let her boyfriend drive her whilst he's stoned?

Bloody hell!

How about she can take a taxi?

RainyDayBear · 16/05/2017 11:34

I think I would still contribute to the car as that was a present. I'd expect her to pay for the upkeep and petrol though, and to have a job to facilitate that.

I'd write off the coming home slightly later than planned, would probably be unhappy that she was dating such a waste of space, but letting her boyfriend drive her around stoned I would be fuming about. I don't know what I would do in those circumstances, but I think that would have to have some consequences for me. Yes she's been open, but incredibly worrying that she doesn't see the dangers. Can you show her videos / statistics about it? Any chance you could enlist the colleges help? The PC attached to our school did a great tutorial for the Year 11's on cannabis and the law, and they were really interested. Can imagine he would have been only too happy to scare the crap out of them about the dangers of driving whilst under the influence of anything.

Gottagetmoving · 16/05/2017 11:39

On another occasion the DD got in her boyfriend's car whilst he was stoned

Yes,..sorry, I missed that bit.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 16/05/2017 11:47

She cba to get herself a job and you're buying her a car? Excellent way of teaching her that everything in life will be handed to her on a plate.

^This.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/05/2017 11:48

On another occasion the DD got in her boyfriend's car whilst he was stoned

So by not buying the car she is going to do this again.

I have a dd the same age who I will be buying a car for. I would rather she was able to get herself around rather than relying on someone else who might not be able to pass a breathalyser

BillSykesDog · 16/05/2017 11:57

I'm with your DH too.

It's highly unlikely that she doesn't have a pretty good idea what he's like. Yet she still took him to a friends house. That friend let him on because she trusted your daughter and she ended up robbed. For that reason alone I would be furious with her. I doubt the rest of her friends and her friends parents are going to be as sympathetic as people on here. I think they will probably think that your daughter is putting her friends and their property in danger because she is choosing to mix with unsavoury people and introducing them into their lives too. 'Buying it for his friends' is dealing. That's just a teenage cop out to try and hoodwink parents who think all dealers hang around street corners. I would also be extremely suspicious of her claim she's not taking it.

I certainly wouldn't be rewarding her with a car. Or giving her something which could facilitate her seeing him or any other unpleasant people she's mixing with. I think the most I would be doing is offering her an opportunity to earn something back towards it by working in the family company.

You've had the police turn up at your door and you know that she is getting mixed up with criminals. By all means bury your head in the sand. I think your husband is much wiser being very concerned as this could be the start of a very slippery slope for her.

ShatnersWig · 16/05/2017 12:02

I also feel posters need to get into the real world re drugs. When I was a teen they were awash everywhere, every had coke, pills, marujana Lsd etc. Someone somewhere in all the social friendship groups will be doing it.

What age are you Rosa? Because I'm 43 and certainly wasn't the case when I was a teen. I had a very wide circle of friends then and still do. Not one of us touched any drugs. Hell, about 80% of us never even tried a cigarette. I never met anyone who used coke until 5 years ago.

I must have been an abnormal teen then. I had a brain for myself. I knew smoking was bad for me so I never did it. I was constantly on at my dad to quit (and eventually I won out on that). Never once did I think "I'll do something stupid just to piss my Dad off"

diddl · 16/05/2017 12:19

" I must admit it may have pushed me to think fuck it - and try the harder stuff."

Which would have been entirely your decision.

Even if drugs are "everywhere" you can choose not to take them, not to have a bfriend you takes them, not to get in his car after he has taken them...

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/05/2017 12:19

I know from dd that times have changed ShatnersWig

19lottie82 · 16/05/2017 12:22

He says he's not growing or dealing only buying it for friends? I'm afraid your DD needs to wise up as that is dealing!

I agree with the fact I don't think she's done anything really wrong here apart from break her curfew by half an hour (no biggie) and getting in a car with a driver who is under the influence of drugs - that's just stupid.

HOWEVER I echo a previous post, why would you buy a car for a 17 year old with no job? How will she afford to run it?
Don't get me wrong DH and I have just bought DSD (17) a 2009 VW Polo but she has a PT job (still at school) and has saved up enough for the insurance and will be responsible for all running costs.

BillSykesDog · 16/05/2017 12:25

There were certainly teens in every social group I knew when I was a teen who did drugs. But with 20 years hindsight this was normally the sign of the start of a life which wasn't exactly stellar at best and horrible and sordid at worst. The people who've ended up in up in shitty dead end jobs, in unstable relationships, homeless in prison or prematurely dead were all those teens. Which is exactly why I would worry this was a slippery slope for DD.

My personal experiences with this sort of thing is also what would make me very worried. He has stolen a large amount of money and been arrested. The police seem to have known exactly who he was and where to look for him which makes it sound like this wasn't a first. He was found with drugs on him and DD has admitted that to some extent at least he is dealing. I would be absolutely amazed if he wasn't involved with harder drugs hence the stealing. I wouldn't be dismissive of this at all.

ka1eidosc0pe · 16/05/2017 12:42

I'm another one surprised at how many people seem to think the DH is overreacting. I do know that my DH would go totally mental over something like this. There is no way he'd agree to a 2pm curfew for a start. With the boyfriend issue thrown into the mix, DD would be grounded for months! He would wants to meet any boy she was dating anyway to set ground rules. He is Lebanese though and probably slightly OTT.

OP, I think you need to accept that your DD probably did know about the drugs and possibly the theft and is not telling you the half of it. Hopefully, the police knocking on your door will be a wake up call for her? Don't overestimate common sense at that age.

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