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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't have this luxury with a young family?

120 replies

Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 08:35

DH was out all day yesterday until 1am this morning. Fine.

But then this morning he has left me to get both small children ready and to nursery. We were running late and I asked him to drive the kids to nursery but he refused as he had been drinking last night. It was 8am when I asked so a good 7-8 hours after he would have had his last drink.

I'm now late for work and have forgotten my purse so can't get a coffee or lunch.

OP posts:
SpikeGilesSandwich · 15/05/2017 11:10

Personally, I don't think either scenario is so black and white and it depends on a lot of variables. If the situation had been discussed beforehand in either case then it wouldn't have been so much of an issue. But then, that's life, relationships aren't easy especially with small children and you need a lot of give and take.

MissShittyBennet · 15/05/2017 11:17

Ah yes, people quite often say this would be different if you reversed the sexes. Never with any examples to back that up though.

I'm interested to hear why you said it was a rare occurence? OP has given no information at all about how regularly this happens, only that it happens whenever he goes out. Quite a big assumption that. You've also invented the part about the non-hungover partner remonstrating with the hungover one, when actually there's nothing in the OP to suggest that happened. If you're going to do a reverse, at least be accurate.

Honeybee79 · 15/05/2017 11:21

Yep, you just can't do this kind of thing with young kids.

He was right not to drive tho. But a wanker on all other fronts on this one.

Pinkheart5917 · 15/05/2017 11:27

Depending on how much he drank when out, he may or may not of been over the limit still so I think not driving was the right call.

He could of walked them to nursery though or taken a bus?

Going out when you have children is absolutely fine and something me and dh do regularly either together or separately but you do need a system that works for you (I.e a plan for the morning after who is doing what with dc)

Original poster
Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 11:29

No it's not a rare day out at all. He has an active social life.
Today was just one of those mornings where you need all hands on board in order to make it out of the door on time. Even if he had arranged with me to sleep in this morning I would have expected him to have got up and pitched in, because that's what has to happen sometimes when you have young kids.

OP posts:
Notso · 15/05/2017 11:38

Now if I had arranged a lie in with DH I'd be pissed off if he then asked me to get up and sort the kids out. Barring anything out the ordinary washing machine flood, vomiting etc I'd be annoyed he hadn't organised himself enough to get them ready himself.

NoCapes · 15/05/2017 11:38

Confused I'm just not seeing the issue
Why couldn't you get the kids ready by yourself Op?

Your partner had gone on an all day drinking session and booked the morning off work, it's perfectly obvious he booked himself some hangover time, so obvious he wasn't going to help get the kids ready - whether you're ok with that bit or not is a completely seperate issue to this morning though

If it were me who'd gone out and got pissed and booked the morning off work to recover I'd be thoroughly fucked off if my partner was flapping around me saying they were incapable of getting their own children ready and I needed to get out of bed to help
Is there a particular reason you couldn't get the kids ready?
Would you think he was an incapable arse if it were the other way round? you'll say no to this but you definitely would

If you have a problem with how offen he goes out, fine have that discussion with him
But don't confuse the two issues here, you fucked up your own morning as far as I can see

ahhhhhwoof · 15/05/2017 11:43

I don't understand why people are saying that the OP should have just done the morning routine herself. Whether or not you go out drinking helping on a frantic morning is just common sense, not doing so it a twatish thing to do pre arranged or not. My husband works frantic shifts and commutes for 2 hrs in the morning but will always try and help if he can. It's all about give and take and the OP is getting to take

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 11:45

So, you're saying that even if he'd arranged with you to sleep in, you'd still have expected him to have got up?

What? Why?

'Because that has to happen'

Errr no, the vast majority of us (in reasonable health) are more than able to get two kids to nursery, before work, and not be late. Why can't you?

I understand you're pissed off and if he des this regularly then fair enough, but it's bloody lame not being able to do the morning routine by yourself when you've only got two nursery aged kids.

(You were both daft not to have discussed it yesterday, before he went out, but seemingly, it wouldn't have made any difference anyway?!)

justpeachy74 · 15/05/2017 11:45

What's your social life like OP?

I agree that he shouldn't have driven the DCs but he should have pitched in somehow. Mornings can be chaos with small DCs. Would he normally help out? There's no reason that one of you should take on all of the stress of it. I should take my own advice

It's probably a good idea to have a word with him about it.

I hope you're day improves.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 11:49

Frantic morning?! Nope. Perfectly ordinary Monday morning.

How the hell do you two think single parents or parents whose partners work away cope? Or just parents whose partners leave earlier?

It's incredibly lame fussing about getting two kids ready for nursery by yourself.

upperlimit · 15/05/2017 11:57

Lame?

Annie you seem awfully angry about this. What's that all about?

LBOCS2 · 15/05/2017 12:04

I think it depends on the balance of entitlement in the relationship to be honest.

DH sometimes goes out (prearranged), comes home a bit worse for wear and I deal with the DC in the morning. But the quid pro quo of this is that if I go out of an evening, or have a bad night, or any other reason I'm not feeling up to it - he steps up to the plate.

If there isn't that sort of balance then, no, you WNBU to be pissed off about his general uselessness.

Pardonwhatnow · 15/05/2017 12:11

Yep, you just can't do this kind of thing with young kids.

Rubbish, and in my experience the sort of attitude that leads to all sorts of problems in a marriage or partnership.

If you are a single parent you "can't do this kind of thing" (which is after all, have a night out and a lie in) without arranging alternative care.

As part of a couple you can and it should be fully encouraged as long as both people get equal time off. The couples who put their lives on hold because they have kids are often the sort who have their whole lives revolve around the kids at the detriment of their own relationship and life.

I also agree with PP saying it's very unreasonable to expect him to get up and help out when he has had an arranged night out and has the morning booked off. Give the bloke a proper lie in and arrange one in return at some point.

Original poster
Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 12:13

But I'm not a single parent though - so that's irrelevant. Annie are you the poster I've seen before who has a massive chip on their shoulder about people who aren't on their own?

I get the kids ready in the morning by myself the majority of the time. But today was one of those mornings where everything went wrong - baby overslept, then the nappy leaked everywhere and she had to be changed etc. So yes, I would expect DH to pitch in.

We hadn't agreed he could have the morning off. I only found out last night that he was going in late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 12:15

And he doesn't have the morning booked off - he is just going to make up a meeting to explain his lateness. Something he does regularly when he fancies not having to get up on time for work.

OP posts:
Pardonwhatnow · 15/05/2017 12:17

And he doesn't have the morning booked off - he is just going to make up a meeting to explain his lateness. Something he does regularly when he fancies not having to get up on time for work.

But you knew, and he was obviously planning a big one so what's the issue with just letting him lie in and getting up yourself a bit earlier - assuming it's not three times a week, and you sometimes get the option to do the same obviousness

Agerbilatemycardigan · 15/05/2017 12:28

YADNBU

Behaving like an irresponsible teenager every now and again is one thing, but to make it a regular occurrence is totally out of order.

You need to have a serious discussion with him OP.

Scroobius · 15/05/2017 12:43

When my DH arranges a night out it's on a night when I don't have work in the morning then I do the next day with DD. If he arranges to not go into work then he needs to also arrange the other let of his life not just assume OP is ok to do it. In our house whoever is in work later takes DD to nursery. Yes I am capable of sorting her out but why should my morning be a stressy run around before work when he is in bed/having a leisurely morning. Works the other way round too and comparing with single parents is bollocks. She isn't a single parent, yes she could manage but why should she?!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 13:03

upperlimit
Lame?

Annie you seem awfully angry about this. What's that all about?

Hmm. Angry? Nope. As for said, I just think it's lame to create such a monumental fuss about getting two kids to nursery, something people up & down the country do, day in, day out. It's hardly unusual.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 13:15

No, your not a single parent, that doesn't mean every single moment of looking after the kids has to have both parents involved. That either one of you can't take some time out. Life doesn't have to stop because you have kids.

No chips on my shoulder. No idea who you mean, there are lots of Annie's, but it's certainly not me.

Your story keeps changing re him not going in to work this morning, but whatever, you knew he wasn't going in, you knew he'd been out late drinking, you say you normally get them ready in the mornings anyway...so why did you expect him to get up this morning? He's not psychic.

If, in general, he's not pulling his weight then you need to have a proper discussion about it.

Original poster
Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 13:19

How has my story changed?

OP posts:
upperlimit · 15/05/2017 13:28

Yeah, angry Hmm

For someone who objects to unnecessary fuss you seem to be quite aggressive in letting the OP that you she's being unreasonable.

I mean, I know it's AIBU and it's par for the course but usually people reserve this kind hostility for people who are being deliberately rude or goady.

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 15/05/2017 13:31

OP I think you sound VERY unreasonable.

It is unreasonable to ask someone to drive with a hangover..He could easy have been still over the limit. Getting your own way seemed more important than the apparent safety of your husband, kids and general public.

So what, he didn't get up and help, is it really worth all this drama?

It is not his fault you forgot your purse and are going to go hungry

You running late is not his fault

Your complete lack of organization is not his fault.

I think you need to step back and realize this is not such a huge crisis and possibly balance things out by having a social life yourself?

requestingsunshine · 15/05/2017 13:38

It would've pissed me off but only because I'd have wanted the lie in!
TBH I get 4 kids ready on a morning and get all to school/nursery and myself to full time work for 9am so I'm probably not the most sympathetic person to your plight. But I don't have anyone sleeping in upstairs that I'm jealous of (because they seem oblivious to the morning disasters) If there was, I'd be annoyed as hell too!

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