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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't have this luxury with a young family?

120 replies

Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 08:35

DH was out all day yesterday until 1am this morning. Fine.

But then this morning he has left me to get both small children ready and to nursery. We were running late and I asked him to drive the kids to nursery but he refused as he had been drinking last night. It was 8am when I asked so a good 7-8 hours after he would have had his last drink.

I'm now late for work and have forgotten my purse so can't get a coffee or lunch.

OP posts:

Colacolaaddict · 15/05/2017 09:20

Who normally drops them off on a Monday?

BluePeppers · 15/05/2017 09:22

But I thought that you don't have to ask your partner if it's OK with them to go and drink with friends. Because you know yu are entitled to it and who on earth would want to live with someone so controlling???

I agree OP his priorities need to change and you shouldn't have to tell him about it either.

BluePeppers · 15/05/2017 09:24

And actually, I would still expect my DH to get up in the am with the dcs. They are his responsibility just as much as they are mine.
If he had been able to organise something with work so he didn't need to go to work early, then I would have spectres him to organise something for home too (e.g. How to get the dcs ready etc... if I'm still hungover)

Original poster

Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 09:28

We both usually do Monday morning drop off. We both start the same time and get the same train.
I'm just pissed off that he has assumed he gets the morning off without even discussing it. Go into work late if he wants - fine, but no way to just staying asleep while I do everything.

He slept on the sofa too so I know he had no intention of doing anything this morning. There is a spare bed upstairs but he would have been woken by the kids.

OP posts:

TwigTheWonderKid · 15/05/2017 09:33

You say he stopped drinking at midnight but what time did he start?

ToesInWater · 15/05/2017 09:37

YANBU to be pissed off but I guess it's more of question of how often this happens and when you get to have "your turn". I'm all for giving each other a chance for some me time and the occasional blow out but it has to be reciprocal (the evil part of me loves the alarm idea though )

Original poster

Chuckle17 · 15/05/2017 09:38

I have no idea what time he started. He left the house at 11am but had to travel to the event. I don't know how long or how much he drank for.

OP posts:

ahhhhhwoof · 15/05/2017 09:39

This is unacceptable. Any woman that puts up with this is a mug or is in a relationship that they need to reconsider. Just another example of everyday sexism and 'boys will be boys' attitude. I'm by no means a feminist and if you did the same to him then fair play but i would be fuming.

Colacolaaddict · 15/05/2017 09:42

Yeah that is rubbish. I would be ok with DH going out and rendering himself unable to get up the next day but we would always, always check with the other first. It's just basic respect.

JigglyTuff · 15/05/2017 09:42

He has to get up and do the kids if he can't do the drop off bit. Particularly if he's going back to bed afterwards.

He sounds like a sexist pig

WhereforeArtThouManatee · 15/05/2017 09:44

This would happen in my house, my dp gets shocking hangovers. The differences though:

We prearrange it, he would never presume, and if I knew I would have a difficult morning at work or whatever, he wouldn't drink.

He would make sure I got some time off in return, and not just hangover time (because I don't really drink), just time.

MrsJamesMathews · 15/05/2017 09:46

Was he likely taking drugs as well Chuckle?

In which case perhaps it was best he didn't have the DCs this morning.

But, that aside, yes of course he should have helped you in the mornings.

You need to make sure this relationship is evened up a bit. Either he gets up after his nights out and gets the DCs or you get a weekend morning lie in.

ShieldMaidenMamma · 15/05/2017 09:51

Hmmm.. Hate to say it, but this behaviour reminds me of my ex. I thought the way he'd treated me was normal- until I remarried a few years after he wandered off because fatherhood was cutting into his 24 hour me time.

upperlimit · 15/05/2017 09:56

I think people shouldn't take more out of the family pot than is surplus.

So you'll get people on here saying this would be ok for them because it wouldn't cause this level of stress afterwards. But I think, the chances are if you are both working and have two young children, were from what you say, at least one sleeps poorly - unless you have some extra resources - that it's going to cause problems when you just assume the other person is going to be able to carry your self-inflicted fragile ass through the day for you.

Jux · 15/05/2017 09:57

Next time, just leave the kids with him. Take them quietly intohe roo where 's sleeping, and tape a note to his forehead saying that they need to be fed, washed, dressed and at nursery by x o'clock.

Or just talk to him. Tell him that he's not just getting a night off, but a morning off too, which is seriously problematical for you, and that if he continues, then you may start wondering what he's bringing to the party.

Notso · 15/05/2017 09:59

I'd expect it but then I'd expect to have a lie in and not deal with the kids if I'd had a night out. DH is never here on week days when I'm getting the kids ready anyway so if anything having him here is a hindrance!
That's the way things work for us but obviously not how you usually work.
There's no point getting annoyed and petty setting the house alarm off, could you get him to drop your purse or some lunch of and have a proper talk about it later to make sure it doesn't happen again.

CoraPirbright · 15/05/2017 10:06

Is there any kind of reciprocity? I wouldn't mind dh going out and getting pissed and lying in if I knew that I would def have my turn to do similar. That's the give-and-take of relationships. If, however, its all on his terms with his hobbies/nights out/whatever and it is just assumed that you will always sort out the children then some discussions need to be had.

angstybaby · 15/05/2017 10:11

mystery cat is right - time to push back. he won't realise how selfish he's being until he actually experiences being on the receiving end

MissShittyBennet · 15/05/2017 10:18

He could perfectly well have got them up and helped without endangering anyone or risking a drink driving conviction, so yanbu on that score. If you're a parent and you're going to get yourself into such a state that you're unfit for duty the next morning, that time off needs to be agreed between you first. He doesn't get to assume it.

Personally I rather liked the idea of going to work and leaving him to look after them both for the morning!

RockyBird · 15/05/2017 10:20

I get the frequent occasional hangover. I still sort my kids out in the morning. Dh works next to the school so walks them to school, leaving me to go back to bed get on with my day.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 15/05/2017 10:25

It is a bit off that he didn't discuss it with you first but maybe he knew what kind of reception he'd have got?
It doesn't sound like he just went down the pub and it's a regular thing, he went to an event and had a good time, it's not too unreasonable to think you could get two children to nursery on your own. What would you do if he was away or genuinely ill?
Would you not like to go to a hen do or a work event in the future and possibly have a few drinks and a lie in once in a blue moon? Doesn't seem that bad. Just borrow a fiver from a colleague for lunch maybe suggest that he cooks tea and has the children tonight while you take a break yourself.

newnameoldme · 15/05/2017 10:33

I'd be inclined to give him a morning off, I can see the frustration stems from it not having been prearranged but it does seem quite predictable that as he had planned going into work later as he knew he would be out drinking it was fairly obvious he would be hoping to sleep through.

If it were me I would have said in advance please do not wake me up in the morning and promised to make it up!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 10:45

It was completely predictable, so why didn't you sort it beforehand? A 5 minute discussion would have saved all this drama.

MissShittyBennet · 15/05/2017 10:49

Saying that OP could quite easily get the kids ready herself, and in other unavoidable or prearranged circumstances such as illness or trips away would have to, is not the point here. OP has been quite clear that she was able to do this herself. Just as DH could no doubt have got them ready despite his hangover, if he'd had to.

This isn't about capability. It's not even about whether it's legit to have a morning sleeping it off afterwards: that's something that it's quite common for couples to arrange amongst themselves. It's about whether DH is taking the piss to assume, without bothering to even check, on multiple occasions. To which the answer is yes.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 15/05/2017 11:03

I think the responses would be very different if this post were the other way around, e.g.

I went out on a rare work do yesterday, had a few drinks, let off some steam and didn't come home until 1am. I'd arranged to go into work the next day late and was looking forward to a lie in for once. DH was completely unreasonable, saying he couldn't possibly get the kids up without my help and that it wasn't fair that I was not helping him. He expected me to take them to nursery even though I've said I might be still over the limit and have a throbbing headache. He finally managed to get them there himself and but is now moaning that he's forgotten his wallet and that's all my fault too. AIBU to want one lie in and for him to be ok with it?

I think if that were the case, most people would be saying that as a hard-working mum, she deserved a break and he should be supporting her and parenting his own children.

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