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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H buying a family car and discussing it only with ds

39 replies

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 06:59

Without going into the back story, H is obviously considering buying a new (second hand) car, big enough for all of us, so I assume that as with the other family vehicles, I will be driving it as well to take the kids to places etc....

Yet he hasn't said a word to me about it and discusses it only with ds. Often in front of me.

Communication between us has completely broken down (this is part of the backstory) but still I can't quite get over his behaviour.

He has form for thinking of everything as his (his name only on the house) and this is yet another example.

So I don't have anything to do with the choice of what will be a family car effectively. I am past caring in any case, but part of me still finds it humiliating.

OP posts:
MarcelineQueen · 15/05/2017 07:00

Why on earth are you with him?

user1492287253 · 15/05/2017 07:02

What is this teaching your son?

Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:03

I am trying to drum up the courage to say we have to get divorced (big back story), but it's very hard because he will make it very difficult and will be verbally aggressive.

OP posts:
robinia · 15/05/2017 07:03

YANBU.
Have you spoken to him about it?
Maybe present him with a list of discussion points or considerations.

RedheadLover · 15/05/2017 07:04

He doesn't see you as an equal. I'm not surprised you feel humiliated. LTB!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/05/2017 07:05

I'd be furious. DH is planning his next car, that he will pay for, but I will drive very occasionally, and he won't stop discussing it with me.

RedheadLover · 15/05/2017 07:05

Cross post. OP I feel for you Flowers

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/05/2017 07:06

Just seen your update. Even if divorcing is difficult, leaving it longer won't make it any easier. I'd suggest seeing a solicitor before you talk to him though.

Areyoufree · 15/05/2017 07:12

My Dad did this once, but with a vintage sports car. Took me to see it, and then gravely consulted me on whether he should buy it. I think I was about 9. Of course I thought it was a wonderful idea. I think my Mum was less impressed.

Mind you, my Dad is a narcissist (not my diagnosis, he was diagnosed by a psychologist - not that he ever accepted it). And no, before everyone starts shouting at me for mentioning narcs, I am not saying your husband is one. But, I think that if someone who has had to deal with a severely damaging narcissistic all their lives sees similarities in your husbands behaviour, well, maybe you need to take a closer look at how things really are. Is it just the car? Do you have access to finances? Is everything else relatively okay?

Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:12

I have seen one already. Still all the horrible scenarios play out in my head. Mainly about how difficult/impossible it will be to live with him while a divorce is happening. He flies into rages at times. This will be one constant rage.

OP posts:
LightYears · 15/05/2017 07:19

Have you made any plans so far to get out and leave. Do you have access to money? Sorry you're going through this.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/05/2017 07:22

Sorry if I'm obtuse , but if communication between you has broken down, why would he discuss his purchase with you - if you're pondering divorce, you can be sure he is too.

Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:23

I don't want to leave as I think it will make things harder for me house wise. I am not physically scared of him. He has a good side, but is short tempered and will go ballistic I know. It's the unknown for me basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:25

Well yes StillDriving I agree. But nothing has been vocalised so I don't know what he is thinking. Also he has form for this kind of thing and did it with the last car as well which just appeared (though he didn't dicuss that one with ds).

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:26

Areyoufree yes I think H has narcissistic traits.

OP posts:
sheepashwap · 15/05/2017 07:27

Leaving him will be painful in the short term. You can't change that (because the reason behind it is the reason you want to leave him). But life after that period, whatever stresses and strains, will be better than it is now, because you won't be living with him.

thatdearoctopus · 15/05/2017 07:27

You are aware that, if you are married, the house is half yours, no matter whose name is on the deeds?

thatdearoctopus · 15/05/2017 07:27

How old are your kids?

Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:27

I am also cross that he is obviously leaving any instigation of a divorce to me. He wants to treat me like crap and then get to say that I am the one breaking the family up.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 15/05/2017 07:28

You have to end the relationship, your ds is absorbing all this and could become a carbon copy of his dad. Bloody difficult, I know, but you can do it, you must do it, for yourself and your son.

Squirmy65ghyg · 15/05/2017 07:32

That's okay though. You don't need his permission. If he is such a awful coward that he's goading you into divorce - great! Get out of there and enjoy the peace. He's an absolute piece of shit and the sooner you start the sooner you'll be free.

Original poster
isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:33

11, 13 and 15.

I think he will make the whole divorce process very difficult though. I know the house is half mine, but I have no access to any paperwork about it or about the mortgage etc. .. If I submit an HR1 form he will go ballistic, and I would rather have him on side to help things go more smoothly. So catch 22.

OP posts:
SnowinApril123 · 15/05/2017 07:35

OP If you step back for a moment and really look at your situation can you honestly say you're happy and this is how you want to live your life?

FIrstly, your DH is teaching your DS that 'men are in in charge' and his mums' (a womans') opinion is irrelevant and what he says goes. Bad bad bad! Chauvinistic and outdated!

Secondly, if you have and DD's, what impression do you think this is giving her? It's teaching her that it's ok for your husband/boyfriend to ignore your feelings, over ride your wishes, show you no respect and you should accept it!

The fact he only has his name on the house despite you being married and having children together is appalling! You SHARE a home, a marriage and children you are EQUAL! I really don't think you can see how unfair his behaviour is, honestly OP most women wouldn't tolerate this.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/05/2017 07:35

You can't stay with a bully because you want a house!
He is a bully because you are scared to do what you want, stand up to him, because of how he will react.

LightYears · 15/05/2017 07:36

then get to say that I am the one breaking the family up. Try not to worry about what other people think, I'm sure they know the type of man he is and if they don't now they soon will do.
All this will have ground your confidence down and make you question yourself. Walking on eggshells is no sort of life, it's just an existence. Like PP have said, you'll get half of the house whether he likes it or not. Half of the bloody car too!

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