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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

H buying a family car and discussing it only with ds

39 replies

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 06:59

Without going into the back story, H is obviously considering buying a new (second hand) car, big enough for all of us, so I assume that as with the other family vehicles, I will be driving it as well to take the kids to places etc....

Yet he hasn't said a word to me about it and discusses it only with ds. Often in front of me.

Communication between us has completely broken down (this is part of the backstory) but still I can't quite get over his behaviour.

He has form for thinking of everything as his (his name only on the house) and this is yet another example.

So I don't have anything to do with the choice of what will be a family car effectively. I am past caring in any case, but part of me still finds it humiliating.

OP posts:

SnowinApril123 · 15/05/2017 07:39

And don't be fooled in to thinking you can keep him on side if you go for a divorce and handle things carefully. He really does sound like a control freak so he will highly likely want to also dictate the divorce!

SnowinApril123 · 15/05/2017 07:40

And don't worry about lack of paperwork for the house etc, that's what you pay a solicitor to sort out.

Original poster

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:41

How do you live with a difficult person while going through a divorce? Especially one who will consider that I have declared open warfare on him and will react accordingly.

OP posts:

LightYears · 15/05/2017 07:43

I would rather have him on side to help things go more smoothly. He'll never be on your side, no matter what you do, there's no way around it apart from facing it and going through it. Do you have any RL support. If not, what about having a chat to Women's Aid.

LightYears · 15/05/2017 07:48

Has he brainwashed your 3 children to always be on his side?

ChasedByBees · 15/05/2017 07:48

It depends on what 'flies into a rage' entails. If he's verbally abusive and intimidating i'd call the police. If he keeps behaving like that then he could eventually be removed from the house.

Set boundaries, leave the room if he shouts and refuse to deal with him. He's not communicating with you she keeping this up will be good enough.

He's never going to give you access to the papers so it doesn't matter how on side he is. Do you have any idea where they are kept?

AyeAmarok · 15/05/2017 07:49

You will never be able to divorce him amicably, so out that out of your head. You're going to need to bite the bullet and get on with it. This is no way to live and a horrible example of marriage for your DC to see.

And even if it's you who instigates it, all you need to tell other people is "he treated me horribly and neither of us were happy".

Original poster

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:52

No, they know he can be difficult. He is nicer to them than to me though. He is lovely to them generally. Middle dd is the one who doesn't get on with him as she regularly clashes with him. He can be very cross and she doesn't like that. Then he will revert to being over affectionate.

He does have good things about him and they do love him and vice versa. They do know how unreasonable and bad tempered he can be at times though.

He doesn't love me and has never wanted to really let me in.

OP posts:

Original poster

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 07:53

Missed your posts aye and chased. Will answer in a bit.

OP posts:

nachogazpacho · 15/05/2017 08:07

When you're splitting from someone abusive the best way is to move out imo if they won't leave. Speak to cab citizens advice bureau about housing benefits and if you would fit the criteria. You can get help whilst waiting for the assets to be split prior to divorce. You will have a fairly long court battle with him for assets to be split as people like him fight it all the way. Eventually the court can force the house sale although he will fight this too, but he won't win as the court can force it.

Original poster

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 08:37

The fact he only has his name on the house despite you being married and having children together is appalling! You SHARE a home, a marriage and children you are EQUAL! I really don't think you can see how unfair his behaviour is, honestly OP most women wouldn't tolerate this.

I agree snowin. It has been a bone of contention for many years.

OP posts:

Original poster

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 08:38

I agree snowin. It has been a bone of contention for many years.

OP posts:

Original poster

isthisacceptable200 · 15/05/2017 08:41

Sorry double posted.

nacho - I want to start by telling him I want a divorce and to see if we can do it without going to court. If he becomes really unpleasant though I may have to re-think and move out. Which may be his strategy as I have been told so many times that leaving the marital home makes it much harder for the person who has left in terms of establishing precedent that you can somehow house yourself differently.

OP posts:

LightYears · 15/05/2017 10:04

Who's been telling you about the difculties with the house if you leave, him?

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