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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nothing for mothers day

106 replies

Hapaxlegomenon · 14/05/2017 08:27

I was really looking forward to my first mothers day (im not in the uk) and I'm so disappointed. We have a newborn. I didn't want my husband to forget because it's not the sort of thing he'd be tuned in to, so my mum told him it would be mothers day last week. I woke up this morning and he didn't even say happy mothers day to me (he knew it was mothers day as we had a gift for my mother). We had a lovely day doing normal weekend things and I was trying to feel grateful but I was feeling really down. In the afternoon I lightheartedly asked when he was going to say happy mothers day to me, and he said it hasn't occurred to him because I'm not his mother. I'm trying to feel good about today but I'm feeling teary. Aibu?! Please tell me if I need to get a grip! Or alternatively cheer me up!

OP posts:

putdownyourphone · 14/05/2017 08:29

You are going to be told you are BU but I'm with you. That sucks. It was my first Mother's Day this year - my DP got his own mother a card from our twins, but not me. He then went to the pub, came back sick and gave me noro virus. I was sick for a week.

Biker47 · 14/05/2017 08:30

You're not his mother.

ShowOfHands · 14/05/2017 08:31

Oh dear. I don't expect anything from my dh as I'm not his mother. This is normal in many families and clearly, your husband feels the same way. He is not unthinking or cruel. Just different.

It's okay to be honest with him and explain your different approaches to the day. His reaction to your being hurt will be more telling.

Congratulations on your baby.

DJBaggySmalls · 14/05/2017 08:32

Thats right, she isnt his mother, but tradition states its the other partners job to make sure you receive a card from the kids on Mothers/Fathers Day.
Its just one of those nice things partners do for each other. Its supposed to give us warm fuzzies, not a pain in the arse.

MuseumGardens · 14/05/2017 08:33

Yanbu. Partners should arrange something on behalf of small children. A card and breakfast in bed would be something.

nancy75 · 14/05/2017 08:33

It doesn't matter that op is not his mother. The baby is too little to buy a card so the dad should do it, just like millions of women do on Father's Day. Buying a card for a person you have had a child with is not a difficult thing to do, it doesn't cost lots of money and there is no reason not to do it.
Op happy Mother's Day

Biker47 · 14/05/2017 08:33

Saying something or doing something on behalf of someone who is unable to recognise the reasons why yet, doesn't sit with me, I'm on the don't bother side. I don't want a father days card, present or message from my partner, I'd rather just wait until the child can understand why; themselves, and that they want to do it for the right reasons.

WeeWillyWinkieFromEccles · 14/05/2017 08:33

You may not be his mother but you are your baby's mother. Did he do anything for his own mother?

My daughter is five now so is mush more aware of special days of the year and tells my husband what she wants to get me for Mothers Day, but he always got me a card and a gift when she was tiny, just like I did for him for Father's Day.

I'd be upset too.

OverOn · 14/05/2017 08:33

It's ok to feel upset about this. Talk to him and tell him you'd appreciate marking Mother's Day, now than you are the mother of his child. Can he be responsible for helping make Mother's Day special and you will do the same for Father's Day

luckylucky24 · 14/05/2017 08:34

The whole "he isn't your mother" crap really frustrates me. No she isn't his mother but she is the mother of their newborn who is currently unable to show gratitude themselves. The decent (and normal everywhere apart from MN) thing to do is to buy a card on their behalf to show some appreciation.

Radishal · 14/05/2017 08:34

Assume you are in the US?
Agree that rather than nursing a grievance you should tell him how you feel.
Congrats on your newborn and, of course , happy Mothers ' Day

Oysterbabe · 14/05/2017 08:35

YANBU. He should have got you a card from the baby. You're not his mother but it would have been nice and thoughtful of him to acknowledge that for the first time you are a mother on mother's day.

HonniBee · 14/05/2017 08:35

You are not being U at all!

Although I would consider being more direct with your DH? Why not just tell him yourself what your expectations are? It was my first Mother's Day this year too, and I told my DH in advance that I'd like tea in bed and a card. He actually went a little overboard with presents and flowers, but at least I knew there would be no disappointment!

MrsPringles · 14/05/2017 08:35

YANBU and I'm sorry he forgot. He is the father of your child who is clearly too little to arrange anything themselves so he should have plugged his brain in and organised something.

On my first Mother's Day, I got taken to the rubbish dump so that was err, nice

MuseumGardens · 14/05/2017 08:36

If he couldn't be arsed to get to the shops he could have folded over a sheet of A4, put paint on your baby's hand and done a hand print on a card and written "I love my mummy." Then brought you tea and toast on bed." Very little effort but made you feel nice.

Trb17 · 14/05/2017 08:36

It's thoughtless. You're not his mother but he knows the days means something and that it's your first. Your DC is too young to do it so your DH should have acknowledged the day. He sounds very selfish to me. People who love us do nice things just to see us smile, even when you're 'not his mother'.

Scentofwater · 14/05/2017 08:37

Well in that case he doesn't deserve any congratulations or anything on his birthday... after all it not your birthday so why would you?!

Yanbu, my DH was similar when we met but I explained how much these little gestures mean to me, and now as long as I remind him it is coming up he does make the effort. It's often something unusual as he hates flowers/chocolate/cards but he still does something.

It's all part of the give and take balance of relationships. I'm sure there are other things you do for him regularly that you wouldn't bother with on your own.

OffRoader · 14/05/2017 08:38

His argument fell apart when he got his own mother a card from YOUR children. She's not their mother either, so why do it?

Because it's a nice thing to do and it made her feel good, he's obviously not fussed with doing the same for you.

allegretto · 14/05/2017 08:38

Happy Mother's Day! It is mother's day where I live too and I haven't had anything - but it's not my first one so I am used to it!

topcat2014 · 14/05/2017 08:41

I panicked when I thought this thread, and thought I too had dropped a bollock..(ie UK)

Relieved that I haven't - oh, and I agree that the OP's DH should bloody well have done something.

DNiece arrived v.early (last Dec), and the whole extended family went to town on DSis first mother's day as we were all so relieved.

CleverNever · 14/05/2017 08:41

YANBU to be disappointed. It's mother's day where I am and my dh organised stuff with my almost 7 year old and toddler as obviously they can't make breakfast, buy a gift, plan the day etc themselves yet, although my 7 year old did chose the gift and write the card. It would be unreasonable for my husband to ignore mother's day until they were able to independently sort out a special day. BUT I do think many new dads need to be explicitly told that they need to arrange mother's day stuff on behalf of their child until the child is able to do it themselves. And they need to know it's important to you as in some families mother's day just isn't a big deal at all. It just isn't obvious to some men and in my experience you have to be really clear about your expectations/hopes for these occasions. In my family growing up my mum got a card and breakfast in bed so I basically made clear to dh from when I was pregnant that that was my minimum expectation for the day! I did kind of spell it out for him.

LedaP · 14/05/2017 08:44

but tradition states its the other partners job to make sure you receive a card from the kids on Mothers/Fathers Day.

Where does is state that?

Everyone is different. Tradition does not state you must do Mothers day a certain way. It doesnt sound like he was unfeeling he just has a different view.

Make sure he knows how you feel.

Jupitar · 14/05/2017 08:45

OP don't do anything for Father's Day, not out of spite but just to make him realise

Neolara · 14/05/2017 08:46

I think you're completely overreacting. I see Mothers day as basically a commercial marketing opportunity to get people to buy more stuff.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/05/2017 08:51

YANBU OP. You're the mother of his child. It's a day to celebrate mothers. You're a mother. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. And tell him what you want next year. Don't be coy about it. Some people just need things spelled out.

I did tell DP this year that I want tea brought to me in bed and a cuddle with DS. Instead DTs are sick and kept us both up aaaaaall night. When "lie in" time came I had to pump milk for the umpteenth time while DP took babies upstairs and DS screamed for me because he couldn't get his sleep suit off. I did then get a nice cuddle in bed with DS (for about 3 mins) and DP did make me tea with apologies it had to be at the couch for more pumping.

It's not what I wanted/asked for but after I spelled it out he did his best and it makes me feel loved and appreciated. Just talk to your DP.

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