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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nothing for mothers day

106 replies

Hapaxlegomenon · 14/05/2017 08:27

I was really looking forward to my first mothers day (im not in the uk) and I'm so disappointed. We have a newborn. I didn't want my husband to forget because it's not the sort of thing he'd be tuned in to, so my mum told him it would be mothers day last week. I woke up this morning and he didn't even say happy mothers day to me (he knew it was mothers day as we had a gift for my mother). We had a lovely day doing normal weekend things and I was trying to feel grateful but I was feeling really down. In the afternoon I lightheartedly asked when he was going to say happy mothers day to me, and he said it hasn't occurred to him because I'm not his mother. I'm trying to feel good about today but I'm feeling teary. Aibu?! Please tell me if I need to get a grip! Or alternatively cheer me up!

OP posts:

WateryTart · 14/05/2017 10:22

YABU. Firstly, you aren't his mother.
Secondly, it's very childish to get your mum to tell him it's mother's day. He probably thought she was reminding him not to forget his mother. The grown up thing would have been to tell him yourself and to say a card would be nice. Poor bloke isn't psychic.

TheStoic · 14/05/2017 10:23

You have to be psychic to think it'd be nice to acknowledge your child's mother on her first Mother's Day?

Holy hell, some people set the bar low.

CheesyWeez · 14/05/2017 10:24

Several posters have said to ignore Father's day in retaliation. Personally in your position I would do the opposite, get a nice card and little present, lay it in/near the cot for him to find when he goes to get the baby, book or cook a nice lunch and make a right fuss of his first father's day. Then next year remind him of mother's day ahead of time. If he still doesn't step up then I'm very sorry.

drinkingtea · 14/05/2017 10:27

TheStoic it isn't setting the bar low not to be into Hallmark cheesy sentimentality.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 14/05/2017 10:30

Same. If the OP wants him to acknowledge mother's day then this is the way to go.

Crowdblundering · 14/05/2017 10:31

YABU you are in Australia

YANBU he should have got off his arse and sorted something xxx

silkpyjamasallday · 14/05/2017 10:36

YANBU imo it is the dads job to get a card or help young children make one for their mum at the very least. Yes you aren't his mother, but you are the mother to his children and if they can't do it themselves then the dad should facilitate it. Motherhood in the early years is a pretty thankless task and bloody hard work and deserves some appreciation.

DP didn't do anything for my first Mother's Day this year, although he got me a Mother's Day card when I was pregnant. However he lost his own mother last year so I didn't get all arsey about it, but I was disappointed as I would have loved a scribbled on card as a keepsake from my first Mother's Day.

Chamonix1 · 14/05/2017 10:45

According to advise given on various threads on mumsnet my DH technically should go and see his own mother on Mother's Day with card/flowers whatever and spend the day with her and leave me with our 4 year old dd. She of course will buy me a card and off her own back and wish me happy Mother's Day. Because after all I'm her mum not DH's, then I should go and see my own mum and spend time with her.
In reality I know Nobody who does this.
Mother's Day for me and everyone else I know is spent with your other half and your own children.
My mum always gets a card and a present and taken out someone nice around Mother's Day. But she is a reasonable person who enjoyed many many years of mothering Sundays and is happy to let me have a Mother's Day now.
Thank god.

Chamonix1 · 14/05/2017 10:46

Sorry- imo OP, your husband should've got you something!

C0untDucku1a · 14/05/2017 10:48

Op did he get his own mother anything? As if he didnt, his argument is void.

DimplesToadfoot · 14/05/2017 10:53

I know its hard and it sucks, but don't be too disheartened, men often don't think like we do and don't realise the value of these things,

however wait until the wee one starts Nursery/playgroup and you get a handmade card with their hand or footprint, it trumps all other cards .. you have a few years to wait, but you'll see

BBCNewsRave · 14/05/2017 10:57

WateryTart Poor bloke isn't psychic.

He doesn't need to be psychic, just considerate.

(See also "forgetting" birthdays - if my DGM with early dementia could devise a system to remember birthdays, a healthy man can. You just have to give a shit.)

Also, being against the commercialisation of these celebrations is one thing (and I totally agree), but doing nothing suggests the person doesn't care about the emotional side, either.

I have observed men who claim to be against commercialised celebrations are often in reality simply averse to (a) spending money on anyone else, and (b) caring about others/doing pleasant things for them.

drinkingtea · 14/05/2017 10:57

What argument is void C0unt? I don't think he has presented an argument. The argument that mother's day is about showing your own mother appreciation is hardly voided by him giving his own mother flowers is it? Rather the opposite.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/05/2017 10:57

I know its hard and it sucks, but don't be too disheartened, men often don't think like we do and don't realise the value of these things,

Who is "we"? Not all mothers think this way either.

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 10:59

My friends DH is like this, it just does t occur to him but is is great all around apart from that. I have taken to sending her a card on a Mother's Day or just a text if it's been manic and I forgot.

drinkingtea · 14/05/2017 11:04

Has this man forgotten a birthday?

This is a family culture clash - like taking children to funerals and 101 other things can be.

I don't want mother's day presents from my husband - that isn't setting the bar low, it's not wanting them. I don't want the kids to passively expect someone else to do stuff on their behalf like some of the doppy arsed 6, 7, 8 year olds people post about their OH failing to prompt or shop on behalf of either. I'd rather the kids did funny, sweet tiny things themselves, which is what they do. If I wanted DH to do something I'd say, but as I asked him not to do the whole hearts and flowers thing early on in the first weeks of our relationship, when he overdid the roses, he doesn't. It's not setting the bar low, it's communicating expectations.

Communication is key.

anna1313 · 14/05/2017 11:09

You are being unreasonable, but you have a newborn, so it is not unreasonable to be unreasonable.
Dont nurse a grudge, lifes too short, just tell your man how you feel, cuddle your lovely baby, kiss and make up.
He'll get it right next year x

StrangeLookingParasite · 14/05/2017 11:15

Poster is in the USA

This isn't stated anywhere, and it's mother's day in Australia and a lot of other places today.

PeaFaceMcgee · 14/05/2017 11:25

You need to let him know what to expect for next time. And remind him again closer to the time.

'looking forward to my mother's day treat!"

It's usual for the parents of little ones to do this - not a 100% obligation, but it's important to you so he should not want to see you disappointed.

DimplesToadfoot · 14/05/2017 11:25

Who is "we"? Not all mothers think this way either.

Woo down girl ..
A. I wasn't talking to you
B. I was referring to mens behaviour on Mothers day, not Mothers behaviour on Fathers Day,

stop being so triggered its bad for your arteries

purplepopple · 14/05/2017 11:27

It's the thoughtlessness that would hurt me more than the lack of something material. A handprint on a card, pic of you and baby, lovely, inexpensive but would be cherished.
My DH was like this and I had to explain to him it's the thought that counts.... I don't think he ever showed his own mum much appreciation on mothers day, I started sending flowers to her when dd was born from us all (as I do for my own dm so it's no hassle to get two bunches sent) and she was delighted, all her neighbours were shown etc. He is starting to get it now he's seen how happy it makes her to be thought of.
So, YANBU but you need to tell him how you feel.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/05/2017 11:48

Woo down girl ..
A. I wasn't talking to you
B. I was referring to mens behaviour on Mothers day, not Mothers behaviour on Fathers Day

stop being so triggered its bad for your arteries

You made a sweeping assumption that we (by which I assume you mean all mothers) don't think like men.

Guess I must be a man then. Or can't you imagine that some mothers think the angst and fuss some women make about Mother's day is ridiculous?

No idea what point you are trying to make re Father's day.

DimplesToadfoot · 14/05/2017 12:17

*You made a sweeping assumption that we (by which I assume you mean all mothers) don't think like men.

Guess I must be a man then. Or can't you imagine that some mothers think the angst and fuss some women make about Mother's day is ridiculous?

No idea what point you are trying to make re Father's day.*

do you know, I'm not going to bite, I'm having a good day, you're not going to spoil it for me by trying to pick a fight over one bloody word .. twists things, put words in my mouth, assume all you like, I really don't care about your opinion .. have a nice day now

PeachyPip · 14/05/2017 12:24

^I had ready the argument that he is not your mother. I also hear the protests crying it's a pointless charade because babies and small children don't understand what's it's about.
I call bullshit on these views.^

and I call bullshit right back. My DH is a lovely bloke, he shows his love and appreciation of me all the time. I would not have wanted him to do anything for me for Mother's Day. I would find it pointless and naff. I don't like Mother's Day and don't do it for my Mum. My kids sometimes did things off their own back when they were little which was cute but that's it.

I literally don't care what other people do but I'm perfectly happy with completely ignoring Mother's Day.

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 14/05/2017 14:16

Thanks for all your replies everyone. Yes we are from different cultures, and I believe he texted his mum on mothers day but on a different day, as she lives in another country. I'm going to make sure that he does something more for her next time. I laughed at the suggestion that I should do nothing on fathers day to make him see the error of his ways, as he would be completely oblivious to that, so the only person feeling bad on that day would be me! I spoke to him again this evening and said that I had enjoyed our day but couldnt help feeling a little bit disapointed as I had anticipated something to celebrate my first mothers day, and I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a diva. He said he was sorry he didn't know and went for a 'walk' and came back with a happy birthday card and a pot plant - not much open round here at night! I'm at peace with that contribution.

OP posts:

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