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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nothing for mothers day

106 replies

Hapaxlegomenon · 14/05/2017 08:27

I was really looking forward to my first mothers day (im not in the uk) and I'm so disappointed. We have a newborn. I didn't want my husband to forget because it's not the sort of thing he'd be tuned in to, so my mum told him it would be mothers day last week. I woke up this morning and he didn't even say happy mothers day to me (he knew it was mothers day as we had a gift for my mother). We had a lovely day doing normal weekend things and I was trying to feel grateful but I was feeling really down. In the afternoon I lightheartedly asked when he was going to say happy mothers day to me, and he said it hasn't occurred to him because I'm not his mother. I'm trying to feel good about today but I'm feeling teary. Aibu?! Please tell me if I need to get a grip! Or alternatively cheer me up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hapaxlegomenon · 14/05/2017 08:52

Thanks everyone Smile when we spoke about it I did say 'oh well when babies are too small to do anything themselves, husbands could step in ', so he did understand that I was expecting something. It is a case where he really didn't know he was supposed to do something, as he wouldn't have ignored it on purpose or because he couldn't be bothered. I guess that makes me feel more unreasonable for still feeling down because he didn't mean badly, but I did go out of my way to ask my mum to tell him about mothers day so this didn't happen! I have no idea why he though she was telling him this information!

OP posts:
londonrach · 14/05/2017 08:53

Yanbu. My dh kept saying it didnt matter till child could do something. I was disappointed but accepted it. This year first mothers day after a long time of trying.....dd (less than 6 months) gave me a beautiful card and a bunch of daffs (via dh) and via my mil a large basket of flowers arrived. Felt v spoilt. Tell dh how important it is to you. General idea is dh does it for children too young. Im planning dd fathers day at the moment but no idea what to do. Ideas welcome.

ShoesHaveSouls · 14/05/2017 08:53

Any new father with any sense at all, gets a Mothers Day present for his wife, "from" the baby. He must be stupider than a stupid thing not to realise this.

I do remember one year when mine were little, my DH on the Say night before doing Shock face at an advert on the telly and saying "is it Mother's Day tomorrow" - even then he nipped out early in the morning and got me something from the DC.

YANBU!

TheStoic · 14/05/2017 08:54

That's a real shame, OP. I'm sorry you're disappointed.

A little bit of acknowledgement goes a long way. It's Mother's Day where I am too. I got some very...interesting gifts from my kids, but it's the thought and love that goes with them that counts.

ShowOfHands · 14/05/2017 08:54

My DH is a kind, thoughtful and supportive DH every single day. Please don't make sweeping generalisations about families where the parents don't create certain events for each other. I don't give a tinker's toot about the aspersions as I know that it's just not how we do things in our family and it tells you feck all about our regard for one another. However, piling in and definitively stating that this "you're not my mother" stuff is crap and definitely lazy and unthinking is doing nothing but making a new mother feel that her partner is an unthinking shit.

He isn't. He is just different and if you want him to know where your differences in expectation lie, you need to communicate before the event.

And the birthday analogy doesn't work at all because you don't buy gifts for others on your birthday. It's analogous to fathers day and no my dh doesn't expect stuff from me on fathers day either.

kmc1111 · 14/05/2017 08:56

I don't understand why people want their partner to do a whole charade of giving a gift from a small child who has no concept of what it means. It's a completely empty gesture.

Original poster
Hapaxlegomenon · 14/05/2017 08:56

When I said 'when we spoke about it' I meant after the fact, on the afternoon of mothers day.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 14/05/2017 08:59

Any new father with any sense at all, gets a Mothers Day present for his wife, "from" the baby. He must be stupider than a stupid thing not to realise this

Am I stupid too? Because I don't do fathers day for dh? Does being kind and brilliant every day not matter because of personal choice not to do something optional on one day a year?

You need to be careful. You're telling a new motherthat her partner is stupid / lazy / thick / uncaring. That is far crueller than acknowledging what may just be a difference in opinions.

EezerGoode · 14/05/2017 09:01

Buy yourself a card write in it .leave it on the table and buy a present to go with it...then he knows for next time what's expected

TheStoic · 14/05/2017 09:02

Am I stupid too? Because I don't do fathers day for dh?

Nobody cares what you do, because this isn't about you. This is about the OP.

Brokenbiscuit · 14/05/2017 09:02

You'll probably have a long wait then as children rarely buy Mothers or Father's Day cards without any prompting from a parent.

I'm not sure. My dh has never done anything for mother's day, mainly because he thinks it's all commercial rubbish, but my dd has been doing her own thing since she was around 5. Makes it much more special imo.

raviolidreaming · 14/05/2017 09:04

It's a completely empty gesture

Of course it isn't! Having a newborn is relentless and relatively thankless - why shouldn't a new mum receive a little validation in the form of some 'World's Best Mum' stuff, flowers, or some other token?

The comments about doing something on behalf of somewhere who can't consent are, in this context, ludicrous. Is a newborn really going to object when they're older to a Mother's Day card being sent on their behalf?!

WildKiwi · 14/05/2017 09:05

YANBU. It was my first mother's day as well. For me it was more about DH acknowledging the massive changes for me and everything I do now that we have DS. I'll do the same for DH on father's day. I did however tell him a few weeks back exactly what I wanted because he can miss subtle hints (and I told him by email so he didn't forget...)

Happy first mothers day Flowers

ShoesHaveSouls · 14/05/2017 09:06

It was meant to be a fairly light-hearted comment, SOH - hence the 'Blackadder' language used - sorry to offend. I was sympathising with the OP - as she started the thread.

I always get something for DH for Father's Day, from the children, he always gets me something for Mother's Day. If you're both of the opinion that it's al a load of commercialised crap, then fine - but I do think it's a bit rotten not to get anything because "you're not my mother" - when it's your first Mother's Day.

Libitina · 14/05/2017 09:06

Happy first Mothers Day OP Flowers

usernamealreadytaken · 14/05/2017 09:07

Does he do anything for his own mother? If it's not a tradition they observed in his household, then maybe that's why he would carry on with the usual 'tradition' ie not doing anything. Flowers but don't beat him up about it, just explain that it is something you do expect Flowers

MuseumGardens · 14/05/2017 09:09

my DP got his own mother a card from our twins, but not me.
That's really shit.

Hulababy · 14/05/2017 09:10

Yanbu at all.

One of the roles of a new parent is to be the advocate for the small child. You are his child's mother. He should have at least got a card on behalf of your child. It's selfish to do otherwise.

Longtalljosie · 14/05/2017 09:14

Is your DP's mother a bit overbearing? I only ask because my first mother's day was also more about reassuring my MIL she was still Number One than doing anything for me. She shot me a triumphant little glance I will never forget.

toomuchtooold · 14/05/2017 09:15

don't do anything for Father's Day, not out of spite but just to make him realise

Do you really think he'll notice?

ShowOfHands · 14/05/2017 09:17

Shoes, no offence taken. I'm just aware that the op is a brand new and upset mother and dozens of people are confirming he's been at best, thoughtless and at worse, crap and stupid and selfish. When there's every chance he didn't realise that he was expected to do this and likewise, wouldn't expect it for himself, he's not deserving of this condemnation.

I don't think it's commercialised crap either! Or an empty gesture. Not when people take such pleasure from it. Showing affection is rarely an empty gesture. The issue lies in discussing, acknowledging and compromising on differences in expectation.

And Stoic it is about mothers day and different approaches to it which is the root of the issue raised by the op. Untangling fact from feeling is relevant. Hence me couching it in different terms, removing the (warranted) upset of limiting it to the op's own sadness.

whattheactualfudge · 14/05/2017 09:19

Neo That's rubbish! Mothering Sunday is actually a religious thing. Do your research!!

PotahtoPotayto · 14/05/2017 09:21

This might be an unpopular opinion but to me what someone does or does not do on "special occasions" isn't important. Does he treat you well in your day to day life? Does he care? Does he love you? If yes, then that's all that matters.

toomuchtooold · 14/05/2017 09:24

OP how would you feel about being more upfront and asking him to do these things outright? Do you feel like it spoils the atmosphere of it? Because it sounds like if you'd had this conversation with him before Mother's day and not bothered trying to hint through your mother, he'd have done as you asked.

DoorwayToNorway · 14/05/2017 09:26

Happy Mother's Day. Is this cultural? Is your husband not from your country? I wasn't really bothered about today and told no one to bother, but for DH and the kids it's more meaningful and I discovered that DH had taken the kids out to buy me back gift, it's only 5 am so I haven't opened it yet as they're all asleep still. I agree, don't beat about the bush, tell him how you feel and don't do the same to him on father's day, show him that it's nice to be appreciated. Flowers

Assume you are in the US? Grin bless but it's mother's day on most of the planet today, to be fair the OP could be anywhere from Australia to Zimbabwe.