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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to see my in laws so often?

45 replies

TiggerWooHoo · 13/05/2017 08:37

AIBU to not want to see my in laws so often? When my first DC was born they insisted on coming round every weekend to see us (they live 25mins away). It seemed quite a lot but I assumed it was just because a newborn baby was exciting so I went with it. 3 years and another baby later and they're still requesting to see us most weekends. If we haven't seen them one weekend there is definitely an expectation to see us the next. I get on with them well enough (though less so since having children partly because of this but other reasons as well) but I'm really getting fed up of this expectation that we have to see them so often. Yes I know I should be grateful that my DCs have grandparents that want to see them because I know there are some with the opposite problem but I feel it is really starting to impact on our family time (and by that I mean me, my DH and DCs). We very rarely get to go out for family time just the 4 of us because most free days seem to be taken up seeing the in laws. I think to me part of the reason it seems so excessive is because I only saw my own grandparents once every 3 or 4 months because they didn't live near us and that was normal to me. It has started to cause conflict between me and my DH because he doesn't have a problem with it (he just sits there on his phone quite happy that he doesn't have to do anything) and it's got to the point where I've started saying no I don't want to see them this weekend because there are other things I want us to do but this doesn't go down well. So, AIBU or is this expectation to see us so often excessive?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 13/05/2017 08:39

How long do they stay and is it both sat/sun they come or just one day?

Original poster
TiggerWooHoo · 13/05/2017 08:41

They'll come from 10/11ish and stay till 4/5ish so most of the day on either the sat or the sun.

OP posts:
finova · 13/05/2017 08:42

I'd hate this, as we have hobbies and parties at weekends. We need some down time and also time for family days out.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 13/05/2017 08:42

Does your DH see them when they come round? Maybe he likes seeing his parents once a week? (some people do)

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/05/2017 08:45

Can your dh not take them round 1 night a week and you have that week end to yourselves without them coming?
Does he 'host' when they are there or are you expected to make the lunch /coffee etc?

sonlypuppyfat · 13/05/2017 08:45

This doesn't go down well?? Well tell him that planning your life round other people isn't going down too well with you. Honestly make some plans of your own

Aeroflotgirl · 13/05/2017 08:45

I would hate this, what if you wanted to have family time together, go out, or do whatever. No you have to be firm with them.

Batteriesallgone · 13/05/2017 08:45

I would start by saying if he wants to see them he should give you his phone and stay in the same room as them the whole time (bar drinks and toilet visits obviously). If he won't agree to that, then he needs to shorten the visit to how long he's happy to be away from his phone or cancel it altogether.

How old is your youngest? Could you use it as a chance to go out just you and DH or do you not want to leave the kids alone with GP?

tillytown · 13/05/2017 08:46

Does your husband want to see his parents every weekend, or is he just lazy and prefers going there than going on a family day out? Either way yanbu, don't go, take the kids out instead if you want to

WetPaint4 · 13/05/2017 08:48

Urge, couldn't cope with that. And who is sorting out drinks and lunch for them?

PeachPants · 13/05/2017 08:50

We have to do this as well, i hate it.

YANBU OP

Ilovehamabeads · 13/05/2017 08:51

I don't think think seeing them every weekend or every other weekend in itself is unreasonable. But those long visit times are, it completely takes over the day. You need to mix it up a bit. Have something planned as a family, maybe say you will call in and see them on the way home. Or ask them to stay for tea instead, as you are busy, and then they don't need to come until 4ish.
25min journey is nothing, there's no reason for it to be a full day event every week. My inlaws live 25mins from their DD and do see her family every week but some weeks they just turn up in time to see DN arrive home from school and have an early tea with them, then go home again.
Why not go see them instead and then you have control of the visit.

LovelyBath77 · 13/05/2017 08:52

We have this too, but ours come just for dinner on a saturday evening.

Original poster
TiggerWooHoo · 13/05/2017 08:56

When they come to us both me and DH sort drinks and food out so thats not an issue but he does tend to have a quick chat then either bugger off and do stuff around the house or sit on his phone which bugs me. I find that rude so don't feel comfortable with it. We do often go to theirs too but those days are worse because the kids end up god knows where around the house with the in laws following them and then I'm just stuck in their lounge with an antisocial husband!! I think cutting down visiting times and mixing it up is the way to go.

OP posts:
DissonantInterval · 13/05/2017 08:57

I think if everyone is happy with the arrangement then it's fine but if they aren't then it totally isn't.

As kids my brothers' and I went to our maternal GPs on Sat for lunch and for the rest of the afternoon and on Sun we either went to our paternal GPs for the afternoon or they came to ours.

We NEVER saw our friends or did anything. To compound the problem on the Saturday visit we did nothing because it was Sabbath and it was a day of rest! The afternoon felt never-ending.

Ours was a very traditional Jewish family so this set up was expected and normal I think. But I always think of it as quite old school and unreasonable. I don't live near my DC and DGC but if I did, I certainly would have no expectation that they should see me every weekend. As much as I'd love it, it's just not fair as time together for them is important.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/05/2017 08:59

Could you say hello to them and bigger off around the house before you DH could?

Do it a few weekends in a row, see how your DH enjoys entertaining his parents. He may decide to cut down on visits of the responsibility of being sociable lands on him.

WateryTart · 13/05/2017 09:01

My DSs saw their grandparents almost every weekend it was lovely. They are family, after all.

However, sometimes we'd call in on them for an hour or so on our way to a castle or theme park, etc. or on the way back.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 13/05/2017 09:02

Earlier in our marriage, I was in a similar situation as you OP. Luckily DH was in agreement with me. He still wants to see his DM once per week or so, but knows I don't want to see her that often. I visit with him around once per month (or she is welcome to visit us) but at other times, he takes DCs himself, stays an hour or two, then leaves. It works for us

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 13/05/2017 09:05

Got gods sake I speak as s gran and a mil that's ridiculous and very selfish of them and your ds. You need to do things as your own little family. The kids will get fed up too. Tell them it's alternate weekends from now.

Ginger782 · 13/05/2017 09:05

YANBU

icanteven · 13/05/2017 09:06

I think it's great that your DH sees his parents every week, and that they are a part of their grandchildren's lives, but if you're not happy with them descending on you every week for a full day, you need to take charge of it a bit.

Some weekends, drop the children off with their grand parents (them being so close and all...) and do your own thing for the day. Your DH can stay on for dinner with them when he picks them up in the evening. Or drop them off on a Saturday evening and have a night to yourselves and then when you pick them up on Sunday morning you can bring nice food and all have brunch together. You have a great resource there with friendly grandparents - USE IT and stop moaning about them.

The routine you describe would drive me mental, but if you organise it a bit better you can have a much nicer time of it than you would if you didn't have handy grandparents who want to hang out every week.

averythinline · 13/05/2017 09:06

OMG - every week no way, you did not marry them..... or if weekly is ok all saturday is not..
as they say big girls pants on and NO is a complete sentence..

failing that get busy - do your kids do any activitys? football/swimming/dancing/music are all things that can be done on a saturday rather than during the week..

or get busy yourself, just leave dh and the dc with them book yourself on a course or something or meet friends for lunch...

He is not really noticing the impact as its no different to him and is choosing not to hear you....I think its sad when people don't want to spend time with their family....but it is easy to slide into and then get stuck.
However I think to change the situation you will have to take the initiative even if it is only a few times...

I noticed we had got in a rut of me doing the Sat clubs while dh had the morning off but I wasnt getting an equivalent on Sunday as DS would just bother me ! so booked a short 4week course at the local college- (beginners drawing I was dreadful) but it broke the habit

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 13/05/2017 09:07

Sorry your dh not ds Sad

diddl · 13/05/2017 09:07

Do you/they work, Op?

If not, would you be up to them coming to see the children in the week whilst he's at work & he sees them for an hr or so when he gets in?

If offered my Ils this.

They didn't want this as they wanted my husband there for the whole visit.

So they got one sat or sun a month as my husband didn't want to give up any more than that-especially as they had declined my offer-which was as well as the weekend, not either/or!

BeyondThePage · 13/05/2017 09:08

We see MIL every weekend, but she is family, we have always treated her as FAMILY... i.e. Life goes on, if I need to pop out whilst she is there, I do, if she needs to whilst we are there, she does.

At ours, I do our online banking, hang the washing out, do whatever needs doing - she'll make me a cuppa, spend time with the kids, watch a film, have a snooze on the sofa, whatever.

At hers, we cook a roast dinner together, she'll ask for help with the computer/phone/kindle/hudl or flit round doing the jobs she needs to do, one of us will make her a cuppa.

The kids are teens now - sometimes they will be there, sometimes not, sometimes one of us will be there, sometimes both. We see each other every weekend, but it is not a chore - never got this "entertaining family" business - they are family, get mucked in, live "around" each other... make it so from the start.

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