to not want to see my in laws so often?

[TiggerWooHoo]

AIBU to not want to see my in laws so often? When my first DC was born they insisted on coming round every weekend to see us (they live 25mins away). It seemed quite a lot but I assumed it was just because a newborn baby was exciting so I went with it. 3 years and another baby later and they're still requesting to see us most weekends. If we haven't seen them one weekend there is definitely an expectation to see us the next. I get on with them well enough (though less so since having children partly because of this but other reasons as well) but I'm really getting fed up of this expectation that we have to see them so often. Yes I know I should be grateful that my DCs have grandparents that want to see them because I know there are some with the opposite problem but I feel it is really starting to impact on our family time (and by that I mean me, my DH and DCs). We very rarely get to go out for family time just the 4 of us because most free days seem to be taken up seeing the in laws. I think to me part of the reason it seems so excessive is because I only saw my own grandparents once every 3 or 4 months because they didn't live near us and that was normal to me. It has started to cause conflict between me and my DH because he doesn't have a problem with it (he just sits there on his phone quite happy that he doesn't have to do anything) and it's got to the point where I've started saying no I don't want to see them this weekend because there are other things I want us to do but this doesn't go down well. So, AIBU or is this expectation to see us so often excessive?

I have a similar issue actually. My DH works weekends, which is a pain itself. However he will work very late on a Saturday, so that he can do half a day on Sunday. On the Saturday I visit my mum, with DS. On the Sunday I'd like to be able to spend DH half day doing something as a family, as he works so much as we rarely get family time. Instead we end up seeing the ILs. I know it's fair as I see my mum every week, however I think my DH only plans to see his family as he feels he has to. If we don't bother going to see them, because DH has had to work the full Sunday, he doesn't even get a phone call from them. And this isn't because they are annoyed we didn't visit, it's because they simply don't care/notice we haven't come over. They have no relationship with my DS, even though we see them often. There's been times he's so busy with work to even text them, and it's taken a month to receive a phone call from them. I've started to tell my DH that we can't see his family on the half Sundays as I've made plans for us as a family. Easier said than done though, as everything closes early on a Sunday!
Maybe start doing alternative weekends? So make plans for one weekend, and they visit you the following weekend. Then slowly build up to once a month/year .

It has started to cause conflict between me and my DH because he doesn't have a problem with it (he just sits there on his phone quite happy that he doesn't have to do anything)

I wonder how much your DH really wants to see them himself if he plays with his phone during the visits?

Is he maybe not that happy about it either, but cannot say no to them. So he "checks out" mentally, leaving you to do all the work and entertaining. That way, he gets brownie points with the family without having to exert himself.

It's worrying that you can't make him see how this affects you. He seems to have an "I'm alright Jack" attitude.

So the nub of it is that DH is a lazy sod?

Stop enabling that and the rest might well follow.

Here's your first experiment. Next in-law visit, you are busy. No, you've been quite clear that you want to do other things on weekends, that you need family time, but if he wants to continue prioritising his parents over that EVERY WEEKEND, then you can't actually stop him. However you don't plan to continue dancing to his or their tune constantly, so it looks as if you will be spending time apart.

You would have really liked to go out as a family this weekend and relax doing x, but looks as if he will be taking the children to see his parents... again.

You get up and get yourself ready and you go off to town, meet a friend for lunch, get out and about and do some stuff. And leave him to it.

Obviously it sounds as if his parents will take over when the kids are there - but - what you DON'T do is get kids up, feed, wash, clothe, pack a bag, make sure all is set for Mr. SitOnBumWithPhone to simply install them with parents, sit back down and glue his eyes back to the screen. You don't make lunch and leave it in the fridge ready. You don't tidy up in advance. You don't drop them off/pick them up.

Sounds like he's jus the type to like the idea of big family stuff happening and keeping his parents happy, but what he likes most of all is that the arrangement completely absolves him of any responsibility. He gets to sit and regress while not only you but his own Mummy appears to run everything. He doesn't have to think or put himself out.

See how he feels about it when you aren't there to be the eyes and ears for the kids and Mummy expects HIM to make conversation.

he does tend to have a quick chat then either bugger off and do stuff around the house or sit on his phone which bugs me. I find that rude so don't feel comfortable with it. We do often go to theirs too but those days are worse because the kids end up god knows where around the house with the in laws following them and then I'm just stuck in their lounge with an antisocial husband!!

• exactly. He isn't very keen on actually seeing - engaging with- his parents.

He is VERY keen on having the social 'scene' set up on weekends so that he can 'check out' of group activities and responsibility.

Stop enabling it. And don't give him much warning, either. Let the usual in-law visit happen (at yours, sounds like that will put him out MUCH more) then announce that you really must do x this morning, so you're off. He won't like it and you will calmly point out that you've been saying for ages that things need to change, he doesn't want to stop having his parents round EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR FREE TIME and so you've made plans so that everyone is accommodated - how can he have a problem with that?

'Have a lovely time entertaining your parents today DH, I know it's important to you. See you later' :)

Christ, that would drive me crazy! Start making plan that start at 12 so they come over at 10 then have a reason to leave, start making it less of a whole day thing. Then start phasing it out. You need to get you dp on board, his parents he needs to host, and by that I mean be in the room talking to them, that might help him understand what an interruption to your weekend it is.

The all-day / middle of the day timing is ridiculous.

Could you take control by inviting them for a specific time? Say you are busy or out all day but would like them to come for tea at 5?

Or say 'we 're out in the afternoon, come before lunch for coffee'.

And go ahead and arrange family trips out regardless! It sounds as if your DH is half the problem, sorndng time on his phone rather than doing family activities.

Great plan, Fizzy Definitely do this, OP.

If they want to spend time with you so much, then I agree with a pp, life goes on as normal. Don't "host" them carry on with birthday parties, shopping, trip to the park etc & say "I thought dh & fil could do lunch/dinner today" & they can go to the shop. Maybe enlist mil in your rebellion & go for afternoon tea with her while dh looks after the kids. -i know this won't alter the amount you're seeing them, but it will start to alter expectations, it worked for me.

OMG no! Say hi and go out and do the shopping or into town to meet a friend or whatever. This is your husband's family, not yours. He should have primary responsibility for engaging with them. Agree that an hour or two over a weekend, and the occasional meal is great, but that is a whole day every weekend. As lovely as my inlaws are, that would drive me up the wall.

Organise days out that involve everyone. Say to your DH and IL's that next week it will be nice if we all went to the seaside, National Trust place, gardens etc whatever is near to you. Get them out and about more experiencing things with the grandkids and it will take the social pressure of you.

YANBU

You have already had some great advice on here re going out alone leaving DH to deal with them, cutting the day short, or involving them in days out.

If none of that works you will have to emigrate.

Good luck.

Definitely bugger off out as per FizzyGreen. They're being incredibly rude and unthoughtful of your family time. So why should you be the one to be polite and smooth things over? Just because they are older than you, it doesn't mean they get to dictate the terms of your family life. This annoys me so much that some of the older generation have the opinion they are our elders and betters and we should toe their line. Im not saying to shut grandparents out as they have a valuable place in family life so I'm all for inviting them into our world. But it has to be balanced and not at the expense of doing activities as a nuclear family. Your dh sounds like a lazy arse and unless he's put in a position to do something, it sounds as though he'd be happy to leave everyone else to it while you run yourself into the ground.

Popping in for a coffee. Fine. Taking up all the day, not fine.

You need to start planning things to do, and to start saying No. Don't let them rule your life.

No way would l stick this and l am a gp. Could he got to them alternate weekend say Saturday morning and bring dc so you get a break or a lie in . Then the rest of the weekend is all for family. How can gps sit there all day..that would drive me mad. Could you start going out odd time eg hairdressers and gradually up that. No! No!.
This has to change. Do it gradually. Like calling in there on way back from nice day out or meeting them for lunch in a bar with play area. Summer is a good time to change things. Put your foot down and reak the pattern.

I have a similar problem. I've now started planning our weekends weeks in advance so that I can do the family things I want with our kids and get some space from in laws.

Otherwise I'd be slaving away every other week cooking lunch making endless coffees and teas from 10am to 6pm without their royal highnesses lifting a finger!

So glad I posted, you've all given me some great ideas and I now feel empowered! I was getting so fed up of the routine I was resenting it and that has been affecting my relationship with them which has made me not want to see them at all. But I will definitely use some of these ideas to try to turn things around and take back some control. Thank you!

My DM sees us every weekend.
She cooks a nice roast in my house, we have a small lunch together in a cafe then we head back to mine, and she cooks the roast for the evening meal, we do crosswords with her, or chat, watch a film while we prep food.
I used to see my GP's every weekend too. Friday night sleepovers with one for a while, then Saturday night sleepover and Sunday dinner with the other for a while, I used to go out and come back for the meal as a teen, still spent time with them.

When our first baby arrived it really grated my dh that my parents wanted to see her weekly. It did ease a bit and i would take them over sometimes in the evening.

Trigger that's funny, I also get left alone whilst gp follow dc round the house. Sat on formal environment with a plate on cake alone. Anyway it's utterly ridiculous op. Make your own plans and do not them without dh if necessary he can entertain his dp alone

Yy fizzy, hilarious