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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this rude?

81 replies

Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 10:27

Hi

Would you find it rude if someone invited themselves to stay for tea (dinner) at your house whilst visiting for 'just an hour or so'. Even if they suggest buying their own food to cook?

This has happened to us a few times by a particular family member and it really annoys me. They come to see us stay a while and will later say 'oh I'll just pop to the shop, get a pizza and garlic bread, and we can have a mini buffet'.

It puts us on the spot and I find it rude!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
AmserGwin · 12/05/2017 10:28

Depends how close a friend they were to be honest. It wouldn't particularly bother me though no. Better than them assuming they can eat your food?

araiwa · 12/05/2017 10:29

anyone is welcome to come to my place if they bring food with them

user1493022461 · 12/05/2017 10:29

Depends on who the family member was and how close you are. It's something that my family would do, and no-one would find it rude. But we would say if we didn't want the person to stay. Did you?

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2017 10:30

Depends on the situation. Generally if i liked the persin and we were having a good time id welcome it. Can't you speak up if not convenient?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 10:30

Rude if dessert wasn't included in the offer. . .

Gaggleofgirls · 12/05/2017 10:30

No I don't find it rude, you say it's a family member I'd think it's nice they feel so relaxed with us. My brothers wouldn't think twice about doing this and i would never find it rude. I had a friend who used to invite herself for tea all the time with no offer of getting/helping with food, that did get irritating as it was constantly one way x

NellieFiveBellies · 12/05/2017 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenMortificado · 12/05/2017 10:30

For some reason it really irks me when people bring their own food over to cook at my house. A friend always does it and then wants to store the left over stuff in cupboards / freezer etc and it's always stuff I don't eat myself and don't really have space for. For some reason the thought of someone else using my kitchen feels really extra personal to me!

Although I accept fully that I'm a bit weird about it and keep my mouth zipped and let her get on with it

MommaGee · 12/05/2017 10:31

"Oh that soibds lovely famikymember but we actually have plans in half an hour / for dinner"
Are they visiting over an obvious meal time?

mrsm43s · 12/05/2017 10:35

I would expect to feed any guests I wouldn't expect them to feel that they had to pop out and get their own pizza. I wouldn't mind if they offered, but would probably already have the next meal (for everyone, including guests) in hand.

I'd find someone hosting and NOT offering food far ruder than a visitor offering to get some food in.

Original poster
Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 10:35

I'll explain myself as to why I find it rude sorry should have included in OP;

  • They have tea at around 4/5pm and have a DD (10yo), we don't have dinner until 7:30pm. We like to eat our dinner in peace when our DD is in bed.
  • They leave a mess, lots of dishes that I'm left to clean up.
  • TBH I generally hate having a house full in a small flat, I'm an introvert suffering with anxiety. I hate socialising, especially eating in front of people.
  • I usually have something in the fridge that I'm looking forward to having.
OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 12/05/2017 10:36

Then say no?

Original poster
Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 10:37

mrsm43s I'm not hosting though, they've popped over for a 'quick' visit say at 1pm that tends to turn to hours.

OP posts:
witsender · 12/05/2017 10:38

Well just say no then?

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2017 10:41

And you can't bring the visit to a close because...?

livefornaps · 12/05/2017 10:42

Personally I love the sound of a "mini buffet" Grin and anyone who brings food to me in my home is kissed upon entering BUT just say you were planning on eating later as you have jobs to be getting in with, lovely to see you, bye! (then send 'em round mine with the pizza and garlic bread)

NellieFiveBellies · 12/05/2017 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 12/05/2017 10:43

Sounds like you need to only agree to them 'popping over' when you know you have something immovable.

Don't forget, if they're confident enough to invite themselves to supper they can't really get up in arms if you say 'I'm sorry, it's really not practical for you to stay'

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 12/05/2017 10:44

*Something immovable later on that afternoon

mrsm43s · 12/05/2017 10:44

See, I'd be delighted if my guests felt happy and chose to stay longer. I never arrange a "leave by" time when I invite people over and generally assume they'll stay for the remainder of the day/evening, and would cater with that in mind.

As a guest, if was invited over to someone's house at 1pm, I'd probably presume they were providing lunch. 4/5 is probably the point I'd be so starving that I'd have to say something - and suggesting popping to the shop to buy pizza is quite a polite way of doing that.

You don't appear to enjoy having guests in your home, so next time arrange to meet in a pub/restaurant/coffee shop/at the park etc. That way you can leave when you're done, and there's a clearer expectation of what meals the meet up will include.

CoolioAndTheGang · 12/05/2017 10:45

I think YABU. It is family. Ask them to put their dishes in sink/dishwasher when they have finished eating.

troodiedoo · 12/05/2017 10:48

It can totally throw you when someone puts you on the spot. It will happen a lot though so it's worth having a strategy and practicing a few phrases. "Sorry that's not convenient for me" covers a lot of bases. It may be awkward for a minute but you remain in control and the situation is resolved to your liking.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 12/05/2017 10:49

Yes I'd find that strange. I'd probably invite them to stay for a later dinner with us or point them in the direction of the nearest restaurant/fast food place if they said they needed to eat earlier. I'd offer tea and cake at 5ish if I had any in just to keep them going until dinner time. It's difficult if they have turned up unannounced though!

GoodDayToYou · 12/05/2017 10:53

I'd be OK about it, assuming I liked the person and my dishwasher was working. But we all have our quirks and you're allowed not to want this. How about having a pre-planned script, along the lines of you'd love to see them but will need them to leave at Xpm because you're going to XXX.

Leonardo44 · 12/05/2017 10:55

I don't think it's rude, if I enjoyed their company enough to have them round it wouldn't bother me, but I see all your points.

If I were you I'd just say no we're going out for dinner. If they're the type who just won't leave you need to have a few excuses up your sleeve. Eventually they will get the hint. Or you just have to plan for a long visit each time they come round.