Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this rude?

81 replies

Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 10:27

Hi

Would you find it rude if someone invited themselves to stay for tea (dinner) at your house whilst visiting for 'just an hour or so'. Even if they suggest buying their own food to cook?

This has happened to us a few times by a particular family member and it really annoys me. They come to see us stay a while and will later say 'oh I'll just pop to the shop, get a pizza and garlic bread, and we can have a mini buffet'.

It puts us on the spot and I find it rude!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
29Palms · 12/05/2017 12:58

I'm confused. You say
They have tea at around 4/5pm and have a DD (10yo), we don't have dinner until 7:30pm. We like to eat our dinner in peace when our DD is in bed.

You also say they arrive about 1pm - so do you mean they have their tea at your house and then want to stay for dinner as well?

user1491572121 · 12/05/2017 13:06

Palms, she's obviously missed out a "we" when talking about the ten year old. She meant "We have a DD (10yo)"

She means the visitor tends to have tea at about 4./5 and having been at OP's house since 1.00pm, they then expect the OP's household to eat tea with them at about 4 but OP prefers to eat later.

Tea is dinner in the OP

MommaGee · 12/05/2017 13:18

OP to whom does the 10 yo belong?
How close a relative are they?
I assume this isn't in the week else there would be a school run? Can you suggest meeting at the park or for a meal or something else? Otherwise its lovely to see you, I have a dentist apt at 3 tho fib

Original poster
Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 14:31

Sorry for the confusion we call it tea others call it dinner. Basically the evening meal 😅

The relative is MIL but I didn't want it to be a MIL thread! The 10 yo DD is hers (DP's little sister) and we have a DD whose 9 months. Hence the 'eat in peace' comment! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 14:32

I do need to grow a pair and say 'no sorry we have a plans', I just hate making everything awkward!

OP posts:
MuffinMaiden · 12/05/2017 15:01

I wondered if it was a MIL, mine always brings food with her no matter what time of the day and how long she'll be there. I think she presumes we're destitute with an empty fridge and empty bellies in need of rescue from the amount she brings. Just tell her you've got something out the freezer ready for dinner and it'll go to waste otherwise, if you can't bear to tell her to get lost Grin Surely if she needs to go out to fetch food she can go out to, you know, go home? Hmm

blackteasplease · 12/05/2017 15:31

Why would a 10 yo have dinner at 4/5? Don't they get hungry again before theoer bedtime?

(misses point)

Yanbu though.

user1491572121 · 12/05/2017 15:35

BLack well she might do but the ten year old isn't the OP's child. It's her MIL's. I suppose the child has something else later. Mine have their main meal at about 4.30-5.30 because they're starving after school and I don't want them eating crap for hours whilst waiting for dinner.

Then at about 7. to 7.30 they have something else such as toast or fruit/yogurt.

29Palms · 12/05/2017 15:57

So she comes around 1 pm and then assumes you are going to have a meal at 4 - 5 pm because that's what she does?

I don't think it's "rude", no. I think it's just lack of awareness. I tend to be a bit like this myself, a bit self-centred (not the same as selfish) and it doesn't always occur to me that other people might want to do things differently.

I think you need to explain clearly to her that you prefer to have your main meal later, and encourage her to go home to have her high tea meal. If she still doesn't take the hint, then devise some regular pretext for you going out.

MommaGee · 12/05/2017 18:50

Doesn't she leave to fetch child?

MommaGee · 12/05/2017 18:52

From school

Brittbugs80 · 12/05/2017 19:48

How olds your Mil if her daughter is 10?

Is this every day? What does your Husband say?

OfficerVanHalen · 12/05/2017 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/05/2017 19:54

Ah it's a MIL, who arrives at yours at 1pm, asks her DD to come to yours after school and she stays and wants to have tea cooked at yours with her 10yo DD, but you have a baby who eats different food for their tea, and you & DP eat after baby is in bed.

You don't want to offend MIL but it's ok to say what you want and don't want to do. My DD(age9) has a fab saying "No, I don't want to..(today)", it works... Grin.

Sounds like MIL is wanting to stay til DP is home and is using it as 'family get together' time for her DD too, and for her to see her DGD baby & you for a few hours as well. Which would be fine if she said that or you asked and wanted that 6 hour visit.

But it doesn't sound that every time you really want such a long visit. So why not say- when you aren't prepared to have a 6 hour visit-
"Come at 5:30pm after you & DD have had tea to see DGD and DP too...."

".If you're coming at 1pm to pop in to see DGD that's fab, but not one of your long seshes as I like to have a a few quiet hours cuddling in peace with DD before DP gets home and we start her lovely bedtime routine. ."

If then over stays, & suggests she & her DD stay for tea & she pops out to get it, it's fine to reply "Not today MIL, it's been lovely seeing you and DD but we have dinner plans already, & will be eating later at 7:30pm and I need a bit of quiet time before then. Off you pop now, so you can get home in time for (your) DD's tea"

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/05/2017 19:57

By cuddling DD I meant cuddling your DDbaby

requestingsunshine · 12/05/2017 19:57

How often does this happen? I'd be happy if someone offered to get and buy food!

ohtheholidays · 13/05/2017 00:13

No I'm with you OP,I'd find it rude and really strange!

It's different if you've invited someone round to eat with you or you've suggested it whilst they're there but it wouldn't occur to me to assume that just because I wanted to eat with someone there and then that they'd want the same.

I wouldn't have even done that to my Mum and Dad let alone anyone else.

Fridayfun · 13/05/2017 00:22

I find that rude. I really dislike people doing stuff in my kitchen. I can just about tolerate close family making tea/coffee but I would be really pissed off if they brought in food and started cooking it. Likewise, I would never do that in someone else's house.

drinkingtea · 13/05/2017 13:25

10 year old is presumably walking to OP's from school, in which case MIL never intended to leave by 2pm!

robinia · 13/05/2017 13:27

Yes rude.
I don't want my meal times hijacked by someone's pizza offerings, no matter how well intentioned.

NataliaOsipova · 13/05/2017 17:51

Yes rude.
I don't want my meal times hijacked by someone's pizza offerings, no matter how well intentioned.

Well put! I agree - this would drive me a bit mad too....

29Palms · 13/05/2017 17:52

OP has said it's happened "a few times", so it isn't every day, and may not be school days anyway.

ScarlettFreestone · 13/05/2017 18:19

"it's been lovely to see you - let me get your coat"

"We love you but we're planning an evening alone"

She wouldn't do this to anyone else.

Your OH needs to speak to his mother.

You are both being door mats.

Trb17 · 13/05/2017 18:24

Hugely rude. I'd avoid people who did this.

Dizzy2009 · 14/05/2017 12:23

I hate DM or MIL taking over my kitchen!! MIL has always liked bringing food with her; the first time it happened I really didn't like it as she filled our fridge with the food she brought.
Thankfully, she lives a long way from us, so she can't do it unannounced lol!!