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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this rude?

81 replies

Topas0117 · 12/05/2017 10:27

Hi

Would you find it rude if someone invited themselves to stay for tea (dinner) at your house whilst visiting for 'just an hour or so'. Even if they suggest buying their own food to cook?

This has happened to us a few times by a particular family member and it really annoys me. They come to see us stay a while and will later say 'oh I'll just pop to the shop, get a pizza and garlic bread, and we can have a mini buffet'.

It puts us on the spot and I find it rude!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
MaroonPencil · 12/05/2017 10:55

In that situation I would tend to say "oh we are not eating til later and I have food planned, get something for yourself if you want."

Strikhedonia · 12/05/2017 11:04

Yes, I think it's rude unless you are very very close and you can get on with your life whilst they are there.

If it's someone who comes without being invited in the first place, and expect you to sit down and entertain them during their visit, then it's awfully rude. If they want diner, they are free to leave!

It's rude to pop in anyway. If you have children, what about after school clubs/ homework? Not a great time to have visitors.

averythinline · 12/05/2017 11:04

just say no..why are you letting them in if they bother you that much...
I too am an introvert so generally arrange to meet people out
especially people that can't do quick visits...
I have a couple of friends who I can imagine popping in at 1 then staying for a bit - but we'd have eaten cake/biscuits on the way and then headed for school pick ups.. so not going to last til that time

you may need to train them to leave.....or meet them with your coat on as your heading out..or put a deadline on - say got phone call to make /appointment to go do -

Goldfishjane · 12/05/2017 11:07

if they've popped in for an hour they are blatantly overstaying what was agreed, so yes, very rude.

you need to tell them to shift!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/05/2017 11:14

'Would you find it rude?'

It depends entirely on who it is 😁

Good friends, no, but we'd probably arrange things between us & compromise on when to eat etc and although I'm like you (introvert, prefer to eat later, prefer not to eat in front of others) I'm comfortable around my good friends.

My SIL on the other hand...I would have perfected the art of getting her gone as early as possible and no, she wouldn't regularly be making dinner at mine and leaving a mess. No matter what I had to say to make that happen.

In the middle is a friend I'll call Jane. Jane is quite a good friend, but not one of my closest friends. She used to do this sort of thing and let her, frankly feral (I do love them, but by god they're feral) , kids walk around with food, drinks etc I meet them 'out' now or go to theirs.

So, OP, decide what you are prepared to tolerate with this person then set your boundaries and do whatever it takes to keep them in place.

Gumbo · 12/05/2017 11:15

I was chucked out of home very young and had no money whatsoever, so I often used to visit friends around dinnertime Blush. I don't know if they knew I was flat broke and often didn't have any money for food, but they'd always say:
"We're just about to have dinner, there's plenty so join us."
Me while rushing to the table and grabbing a knife and fork "I couldn't possibly. well - if you're sure..." Grin

It doesn't sound like your relative is too hard up to afford their own dinner though, so it's rude/odd if it happens often. However, I've had this sometimes and have no objection at all to padding out the meal a bit to make it serve a couple more... it's my way of paying back the people who willingly fed me all those years ago!

Ceto · 12/05/2017 11:17

They've popped over for a 'quick' visit say at 1pm that tends to turn to hours.

Why on earth do you let this happen? How difficult would it be to say "Lovely to see you, just to let you know, I have to go out at 2"? Then at 1.55 say firmly "I'll have to let you go now, bye", and walk them to the door.

If they're really obstinate, ask if they know where the door is.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/05/2017 11:20

I have been known to put dc coats on and tell overstaying guest we have to go out. .
Drove round the block and went home!!

SaucyJack · 12/05/2017 11:22

It wouldn't bother me if we were drunk having a good time.

We don't have an "open door" policy tho as we are mostly dirty anti-social scutters , so once we've actually gone to the effort of tidying up and having people round I'm more than happy to go with the flow after that.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 12/05/2017 11:29

Yes, I would find that very rude indeed and if they did it once, they wouldn't step foot in my house again.

tweezers · 12/05/2017 11:31

I would if it was a school night and it stopped us getting homework/bedtime sorted, and it can be annoying when other people cook. What about letting them know you will order a takeaway at a set time or suggesting the weekend is better?

muckypup73 · 12/05/2017 11:35

Not read all the way through but if it was a family member no it wouldnt bother me.

DearMrDilkington · 12/05/2017 11:40

I find it really weird that you don't eat dinner with your 10yr old..

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 12/05/2017 11:40

I don't understand how this can be considered rude. If you don't want her there or don't want her to buy pizza then say so.

"We'll xxx, it's been a lovely afternoon, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to chuck you out now (big smile) as I've got xxx to do. See you next week?"

FinallyHere · 12/05/2017 11:40

I think it depends on whether you are enjoying their company. If so, then you would probably be feeding them too, so on balance, I think it would be fine for you to discourage them, especially from leaving a mess for you to clear up.

So... about 30mins before you want them to go, you ask would you like ... before you go? Make the cup of tea or whatever. Ten minutes before leaving time, get up, start gently herding them towards the door. Finally, open door and say how lovely it has been to see them.

Your gaff, your rules.

DearMrDilkington · 12/05/2017 11:41

if they did it once, they wouldn't step foot in my house again.

Blimey, your strict!

FinallyHere · 12/05/2017 11:42

Or what coffee said . I'm thinking of adopting that approach.

dingodon · 12/05/2017 11:55

Fuck me have I entered the twilight zone?!! No it's not on, did you invite them to dinner? No you didn't they invited themselves that's rude. Having said that, if you are just going along with it and saying nothing then ha u. Grow a pair and say no it's not convenient for us.

AntiGrinch · 12/05/2017 11:56

I think this is rude. It is rude of them to assume that you are at their disposal for as long as they would like.
It's hard if you weren't brought up to it (I was not) but I think you really are going to have to find a way to say no, or even "no, and leave".

Come up with some phrases and physically practise them. This makes a difference. Practise saying things like "oh no, I'm afraid not tonight, we'll be eating later and have stuff to be getting on with so I'll have to say good bye in the next 10 minutes unfortunately." (or whatever sounds more like your voice.) Say the phrases to your DP or no one until they feel comfortable (or less uncomfortable) and then bring them out next time.

dingodon · 12/05/2017 11:56

The "ha u" translates to "Yabu" in case your wondering. Bloody predictive text.

1nsanityscatching · 12/05/2017 12:09

I always invite whoever is here to join us for food so I'd think it rude that you have a guest and don't invite them to join you tbh. I can't imagine having someone in my house offering to buy food to join us when I had prepared and cooked a meal whilst they were there.
Typical day yesterday I invited adult ds to join us for dinner and whilst I was cooking adult dd turned up unannounced so asked her to join us as well. I would have felt too uncomfortable to do otherwise tbh.

JuniDD · 12/05/2017 12:27

I wouldn't be letting them visit! If you like them in general I'd meet them outside the house (though appreciate you have anxiety and this might not work). Otherwise, never convenient for them to visit, or just go to their's and take your dinner!

MatildaTheCat · 12/05/2017 12:29

Just start putting in boundaries for times of visits. I'd be cheesed off with guests who just won't go. Practice some scripted lines and stick to them.

YANBU because it doesn't suit you. Some like big family dinners and some like to stick to a routine. Neither is wrong.

user1491572121 · 12/05/2017 12:34

I can relate OP. Is it your DH's relative?

lendisa · 12/05/2017 12:35

For family, no. I would expect them to deal with any mess though (and I'd always help out after dinner if I was eating at someone else's house). I would probably invite them to eat with us before they offered though. I have different rules for friends - I never have friends visit me at home, I have social anxiety but I can cope with my family.