Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

[SooSmith]

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@user1493022461 - it is very different for the ex to leave their children with their dad and his new girlfriend, imo. To be honest, as a mum, I wouldn't be happy about my children being introduced to a new girlfriend who was as new as the OP is either, but the kids need to see their dad.

In the future when (and if) the relationship lasts, then it would be OK for the OP to look after her dp's children without him there - but not yet - it is far too early, and I am sorry, but I do think the mum was doing the wrong thing.

[user1493022461]

That may be, but she was way LESS wrong than the OP, is the point.

[LagunaBubbles]

Are you both definitely living together. It does read like that but you haven't said OP.

[kali110]

Wow.
You've moved in with a guy you've known a matter of months and then you shut the door in your bf's kids faces
Wow. If this is true goodluck having any relationship with them.
None of you are right.
None of you are thinking about the kids, his or yours.

[MadMags]

I reported it @TheStoic and it's still here so perhaps it's legit.

[R2G]

YANBU to expect that he looks after his children and you have a right to say 'no' without any repurcussions.
YABU to shut the door in the children's faces. It would have been nice if one of you could have been the adult. Let them in have a nice time - then you need to be dumping this guy. Too much too soon and already negative for all the children. Won't work.

[CatsInKilts]

"This can't be real. Surely nobody would move someone in with their children after two months"

My mum did. She too used the reasoning that it was okay because she'd known him for years. We were introduced to him on the day he moved in.

Some people really are that self-centred.

[ShiningArmour]

Poor kids

[TheMaddHugger]

Suddenly you are the $free childcare. ?


What did they do for CC before you ?

[Allergychange]

I had a post on her mths ago about my ex moving in with his girlfriend of 7 mths and expecting me to be ok with our DD going there when I'd never met her and ex hardly knew her.

I was roundly told to wind my neck in, suck it up and that it was none of my business.

OP none of you come out of this covered in glory, mum had to work and expected ex to step up, ex sounds like he couldn't give a toss, you don't want to watch the SDC after such a short relationship and the DC are stood there feeling like nobody wants them.

What a mess.

[user1493022461]

I be you were actually told that it sucks but there is nothing you can do. Because that's the fact of it.

Parents can and do act very badly, not in the interests of their children. Unfortunately there is little anyone can do about it.

[pictish]

Plenty of people move in together after the length of a piss, as one poster put it. They get all caught up in the new romance of it all and tell themselves it's going to be great and that the kids will be just fine. Of course, everyone spends the first few months of a relationship on their very best and most charming behaviour, what with all the sex and novelty value, so they don't have an actual clue what they're bestowing on their household. It happens a lot. Some people lack the common sense or consideration for others, namely their children, to take it at a reasonable pace so they can make a truly informed decision. They've just got to have someone, no matter who it is.

[FittonTower]

So those poor kids have had their dad leave, move in with a new woman and now that woman is slamming the door in their face and threatening their mum with social services in the space of 6 months?? Wow. I think you are being horribly unreasonable to those children. And the ex-wife probably isn't having a lovely time of it either.
So long as you don't have to expend any energy on the children of your new shag though eh OP?

[SandyY2K]

The childcare arrangements should be between him and his Ex.
He shouldn't expect you to look after them.

One thing that jumped out from your post, is that you want him to keep in contact with his kids

Does that mean he wouldn't do that of his own accord?

If he was being a responsible father, why would this be a factor?

YANBU for the expectation that you're a free sitter and if I was the mother, I'd make sure their dad was available or make alternative arrangements.

There was no need to threaten ASAP though. You could have put your DC indoors and had a quiet word with her... Saying that her Ex isn't in and you've told him he has to be here, when the DC are over.

[Vroomster]

I've known my boyfriend six years.

Not working though is it.

You can start a relationship with him when you like, but it's not just about you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Only read OP's posts.

I think you need to reassess this relationship, and him, because frankly he sounds like a responsibility-shirker.

"I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well."
Of course YANBU. His children do not need access to you, they need access to him, their father. Access visits are for the benefit of the children, not the adults. So what you are talking about is not access for the benefit of the children, but you being co-opted into providing free childcare for the benefit of the parents - both of them. I'm interested in the way you phrase it - "I want him to keep in contact with his kids". There's an implication there that he won't see them unless you facilitate it all for him. Has he said as much?

"I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March."
I'm presuming this means he moved in with you? Too soon. Way too soon. How did this come about? Where was he before he moved in? Because I'm suspecting he bounced you in to this, in a 'I neeeeeed somewhere to stay SooSmith, please fix this for me' kind of way. Just like he expects you to fix his childcare responsibilities for him. Can you see why I regard him as a responsibility-shirker?

I think you need to ask him to move out and get himself sorted with his own children and their needs, instead of expecting you to do it all for him. You don't need to end the relationship (although I would, I have no respect for this type of man) but I really think you need to get him out of your house and standing on his own two feet.

[mickeysminnie]

Whereyouleftit says it perfectly!

[Questioningeverything]

Come back op!

[pickleypockley]

Whether yubu or not your behaviour doesn't really bode well for your future relationship with his kids or their mother.

[Starlight2345]

Does he ever look after your children?

[SooSmith]

No he doesn't, my kids are my job - and I've got my childcare back up plans sorted when I am at work. And no they don't go to my sister as we don't speak anymore (for those of you who remember my Christmas childcare crises.)

If he is not home then they don't come here. I'm not their childcare back up plan and never will be. Threatening her with SS does sound like I'm out of order, but she has form for dumping and driving off!

[TheMaddHugger]

OP Surely they had to have had childcare sorted before he moved in with you.

They should have gone to that place.

[kali110]

So you're ok if he did this to your kids then op?
Goodluck with your relationship, between your stepkids and between your dp.
If i was your dp i 'd be out the door.

[pictish]

Still OP, you've got a man and that's what matters most.
Bash on.

[WateryTart]

So many people answering a question OP didn't ask.

YANBU, OP. They should look after their own DCs unless it's an emergency of the medical kind, when I'm sure you'd step up. They both have a monumental cheek.