Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

[SooSmith]

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

[SooSmith]

I've known my boyfriend six years. I only started a relationship with him after his marriage broke down.

[FlossyMooToo]

That doesnt matter does it. They dynamics have changed because you are now dating, why the rush?

[MadMags]

So?

[HomityBabbityPie]

That really makes no difference whatsoever.

[user1493022461]

Another one!

WTF? Yes of course yabvu, for any number of reasons.

People actually live like this? It's like fucking take a break come to life.

[Gallavich]

So what?!
You've been in a relationship for less than half a year. Pathetic behaviour.

[pictish]

Doubt the OP will come back after all these stern posts. I often find mn rather batshit but on this one I am absolutely agreed with the majority. I hope OP has read this because God knows she needs to.

This subject is one that really pushes my buttons. I see it so often both online and (more importantly) in rl. I am appalled by the selfishness and irresponsibility that drives parents to bring unknown people into their children's intimate lives and homes on a whim. Because that's all it is in such a short space of time - a fucking whim.

I can think of quite a lot of men I have known in my time, like double figures, who have, in one set of circumstances or another, based their relationship choices on who will give them houseroom. I also know that they will perform however or say whatever it takes to get their foot in the door. Women desperate for a partner for whatever reason, are ideal targets...even if they weren't seeking to move someone in, they'll soon find themselves agreeing to it. It is always the man moving in with her - never the other way around.

It's not all about being a cocklodging snake though - single parents have a responsibility to thoroughly vet those adults they intend to insert into their children's intimate world. The only way to do that is through time and experience. "It'll be fine." doesn't count for shit. neither does 2 or 3 months.

If it works out then great but know this; you have been lucky.
Chances are, it won't.

Next time, fucking behave.

[ExConstance]

Sometimes relationships move quickly because the relationship is just right. It is not inherently wrong to move in together early on. The only part of this where you are being unreasonable is not to hammer out a firm arrangement about child care before you moved in together. it was terrible for the children to have the door shit in their faces. You might think that you would not mind caring for his children occasionally when e is working if he will care for yours if something crops up. Over a period of time for established couples surely the children in the family will cease being "mine" and "yours" and just become "ours" over a period of time.

[JigglyTuff]

I've known my postman for 6 years.

[user1493022461]

It is not inherently wrong to move in together early on

It is when there are children involved. It absolutely is.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU to refuse to look after his children if he's not around - HE is the parent, HE is the one with contact, HE should be making the effort and if HE can't, and his ex can't, then THEY (between them) should be finding someone else to do it.
This should not be you as the default.
I don't care how long you've known him, it sounds remarkably like he's using you as unpaid childcare, and that's no basis for a decent relationship.

However, you shouldn't have shut the door in his ex's and DC's faces - that's just mean. What you SHOULD have done is explained very clearly that this is NEVER to happen again and you will not take responsibility for their children - that she and/or he need to make proper arrangements for childcare for their sprogs.

I agree with other posters who feel sorry for the children - 2 feckless parents who have their DC as their lowest priority - but I do not agree that you should pick up their slack by default.

[Tiptoethr0ughthetulips]

Crazy of all 3 of you to put the kids in that situation.

[krustykittens]

When you have children, you're not just moving your boyfriend in, you are blending families. Yes, he should be there when they visit, not off pleasing himself while his kids are supervised by someone else. He sounds like a shit Dad not wanting to spend time with his kids. But his kids are not just something you tolerate, you are meant to be their stepmother, so slamming the door in their faces and shouting about SS is not going to help you have a healthy relationship with them. It's a serious thing, blending families, which is why people wait a bit longer that a few weeks before they try to do it. None of you have behaved well in this situation and the kids, yours included, have no choice but to play their parts in the drama. That's not fair.

[Gallavich]

It absolutely is wrong to move a partner into your children's home after a short time. No exceptions. Youou can't know a person's character and you can't be even reasonably sure the relationship will last.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I would have welcomed those kids into my home. Made them tea and cared for them. It's not their fault their parents don't seem to have any maturity.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Op you've known him as your BF for less than 3 months when you moved him in. That's different from being an acquaintance of someone.

Look, this is who he is. A feckless lazy arsed misogynist. Pity you didn't take the time to work that out before you imposed him on your kids and disrupted his kids too.

Why did his marriage break down I wonder? What's he told you about that I wonder?

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

I wouldn't be living someone if I wasn't prepared to look after their children. You are either a family or not.
Shutting the door in their face was appalling behaviour.
As a regular thing, yes, your boyfriend should be there, but that's more to do with HIS relationship with his kids, than yours.
Those poor kids!

[FuckYouLinda]

Were you the OW?

[PeaFaceMcgee]

Absolutely disgusting to be shouting about social services, as they take a very dim view indeed of mothers inviting new boyfriends into their bed whilst children are present in the home.

You do know is this is a common tactic for child abusers to gain access?

[pictish]

But the relationship itself...as in having him in your life as your partner, is very new. Ridiculously so at 2/3 months.

The outcome is that he thinks the care of his kids falls to you and you resent it to the point of blatant rejection.
If you'd had any common sense and put the brakes on, you would have had this issue dealt with and understood by both of you before it got to the door closing stage. Which btw, your children witnessed.

I don't think any of the adults in this scenario are dusted in glory. What an irresponsible, selfish lot you all are.

[tissuesosoft]

I'm guessing you were the OW or at least involved in an emotional affair with this man? My guess is the ex is hurting and is thinking along the lines of 'well if she (OP) can take away my DP then she'll have to cope with the kids being around.' Hence the way the ex is bringing around the kids to your care often. I feel sorry for all the children involved- neither homes (yours or the ex's) sound stable.
By shutting the door on his children you are demonstrating to your own children that his family do not matter.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Disgusting that you shut the door in their faces, you sound dreadful based in that one action.

Speechless that you moved him in after two months. Wtf.

How old are the kids?

I have three kids of NY own, my boyfriend has one, we all live together. Mother gave up son when he was three.

I can't imagine ever telling my boyfriend that I won't mind his son. I go to his school stuff, take him to doctors, buy clothes, everything. We are a family.

[pictish]

"It is not inherently wrong to move in together early on."

It is, it is. Where kids are involved, it is inherently wrong. It's utterly reckless.

[TheNaze73]

All way too much, way too soon. I feel sorry for the children

[Orangetoffee]

He wanted an unpaid nanny and housekeeper with benefits and that is what he got.