Aibu to say BF should be here when his ex wants his DC looked after

[SooSmith]

I'm in a new relationship that started just after Christmas. Boyfriend moved here in March.

I want him to keep in contact with his kids, but I aibu to say that if his children are here, then he should be here as well.

His ex works three evenings a week, my BF works nights some weeks. She wants us to have them when she is at work, which is fine when he is home. If he's also at work, then I've insisted she finds someone else. I've got two kids of my own to sort out.

I also have said that on his weekends when he has them, he is here with them and not playing football. Or they don't come.

Things came to a head on Monday when I had taken my kids out, and boyfriend sent me a text asking me to go home as her childcare had fallen through. I told him to leave work and go home himself. When I returned an hour later I found her waiting outside for me. When she started getting the kids out of the car with their stuff, I went in and shut the door, and said if she drove off without them I'd call SS.

AIBU to insist I am not an unpaid childcarer when his ex goes to work?

[WomblingThree]

BillyNotQuiteNoMates how the fuck are you a family after 5 months together? Neither of the parents of these children have a bloody clue about the OPs background and yet they are prepared to just dump their kids with her? She could be any kind of abusive pervert, but the mother's and father's lives are more important than their children. Same way the OP's need to have any bloke in her life is more important than her children.

[pictish]

P.s I have known a handful of women who have moved their kids in with a newbie too. It's not always the men rushing things through and cocklodging...there are fannylodgers as well, just in my experience, far fewer.

[MadMags]

It is absolutely, categorically inherently wrong to move a man into your home after three months when your vulnerable children live there.

FFS!

And you need a licence to have a dog...

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

womblingfree after five months I wouldn't be living with him, in my opinion, if you are living together, you ARE a family.
She also stated that they had known each other for years, not just a few months, so I suspect they would have some idea of her background, probably a damn sight more than most people know about their childminders and babysitters

[JigglyTuff]

Yes and I stated I have known my postman for 6 years. So what? If I started going out with him, I wouldn't move him in after 3 months. Because it's stupid.

[user1493022461]

in my opinion, if you are living together, you ARE a family

Do you often sht the door in the faces of your family, while shouting about SS in front of the children?

They aren't a family. They are a collection of fucking idiots with various neglected children.

[Itsmekathy]

If he is living with you as a member of your family, then presumably he is acting as stepfather to your children so it works both ways imo. If that was my set up then I would expect to be fully involved with his children, without him taking the pee of course.

[pictish]

Because of your door closing and threat to call Social Services, your relationship with his kids who saw and heard it all, has been substantially negated. They might get over it, but just as easily and more likely, they will now have an inherent mistrust and dislike of you as a starting point.
You were unfriendly to their mother and rejected them, while your kids get to live with their dad. Prepare for problems.

[SkippyFox]

Sometimes I read one of those and I shake my head on the utter lack of self-awareness or genius trolling.

I agree with this apart from the genius bit.

[LadyPW]

They are a collection of fucking idiots with various neglected children.
This ^^. 2 lots of kids being treated like crap because of their "parents"

[Foslady]

I binned off a potential relationship due to him being too pushy to meet dd and me to meet his children.

Fgs - put yourself in their shoes, you might have known him 6 years, they haven't known him that way and you've brought him into their lives like that, done deal.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You should never move in with someone unless you are prepared to act as stepparent to your other halfs children. And the ability to be a stepparent can only develop over a period of time once you get to know the child.

This isn't a partnership. What are you both doing? You clearly weren't ready to live together.

[FizzyGreenWater]

But you couldn't have known him very well or you'd have been aware that he's a user who isn't the best Dad to his kids?

[muckypup73]

He comes as a package, just like you come a apackage, why does he have to blend into your family but your not blending into his? would you like him to treat your kids like his own? you have to do the same with his, otherwise he will end up resenting you, do you ever get him to watch your kids?

[muckypup73]

Are you jealous of the ex wife?

[WaitingYetAgain]

YABU

You are an adult, behave like one! There's no need to make a scene. You could have just talked to their mum rationally and said that you were okay with doing it this time seeing as they were already there, but that all three of you (him, her and yourself) need to have a sit-down conversation about arrangements going forwards.

I agree with PP in that if you'd utilise your BF for childcare yourself in an emergency, then taking his children when similar circumstances arise is only fair. You could have taken them in whilst he arranged to come home and look after them.

The children are the innocent victims in all this mess and craziness. You are making things a lot harder for yourself if you plan on staying with him in the long-term if you treat them this way. Think of how you'd have liked to have been treated if you were them. Would you have liked a door slammed in your face while dad's new girlfriend screamed threats at your mother?

[SpareASquare]

OMG!
You moved your BF in after 2 months, having started a relationship just after (apparently) his marriage broke down and you shut his children out of your home that way.
Those poor, poor children. That was a fucking pathetic bitchy thing to do. I can't imagine the damage you are causing.

[Mulberry72]

I can only echo what PP's have said.

I feel sorry for all the children involved.

[TheStoic]

The greater the outrage, the more likely it is to be a troll.

Just speaking generally, of course. Not about any thread in particular.

[ExConstance]

Yes, it is my view too that this is a blended family now, though of course in the early stages blending is less and it becomes more over time. Still don't agree that it was wrong to move in together, they had known each other for 5 years anyway, so presumably the children knew him and his children from way back. It would be different if they were total strangers who met on the internet.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

OK - so the OP is utterly wrong to have moved her paint-still-wet-he's-so-new boyfriend into her house with her kids. He is wrong to have moved in with her so soon, and to be expecting her to care for his kids - frankly both of them have acted like idiots.

But it's the ex whose head I really want to give a wobble. Yes, she needs to go to work, but how, in the name of hell, does that make it OK for her to hand over her kids to someone who's only been going out with her ex for five minutes? Who hands their kids over to a virtual stranger?

[user1493022461]

Yes, she needs to go to work, but how, in the name of hell, does that make it OK for her to hand over her kids to someone who's only been going out with her ex for five minutes? Who hands their kids over to a virtual stranger?

He already has them at weekends, with OP. The mother has to send them to spend time with OP whether she likes it or not, why should she only do it when it suits them, and not in an emergency.
The mother is not by any means most at fault here.

[Marmalade85]

This can't be real. Surely nobody would move someone in with their children after two months

[user1493022461]

Oh they would. Sad but true.

[WaitingYetAgain]

I think they would too. I don't actually think it's that uncommon as I have seen people do it IRL.

Maybe they thought it made financial sense or something?