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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to go to this (non) wedding?

111 replies

clary · 10/05/2017 19:14

DH's nephew is getting wed. Very small do, they are all going away in the UK for a week Hmm anyway we are asked to the party to celebrate the event.

Just got the invite and it is in the middle of DD's GCSEs and the day after DS2's 28th birthday - and actually the day of his party. This party is a low key affair, three of his mates at cinema and McDonald's, but still may involve a sleepover, and even if noy, I want to be on hand. So does DH really.

I like his sister (grooms mum) but am not that fussed about the lads wedding - and in any case it's not his wedding. DH says we/he maybe should show out/his face. AIBU not to go? It's about 90 mins drive away.

OP posts:
LedaP · 10/05/2017 20:12

Its not his birthday. It is a trip out eith his mates the day after

expatinscotland · 10/05/2017 20:13

'expat It's the day after his birthday, and he's going out with his mates'

And? She wants to be around, not at another party.

notangelinajolie · 10/05/2017 20:14

I don't understand. Are you not wanting to go to a wedding or a week long party? I can quite work out what it is you are invited to.

Either way you don't want to go. Tell them you don't want to go but don't make rubbish excuses. The 18th one is ridiculous and you having one night out during GCSE's isn't going to harm your daughter. You can't sit the exam for her! I don't see why you have to chain yourself to the house just because of this.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2017 20:14

'Its not his birthday. It is a trip out eith his mates the day after'

It's not the nephew's wedding, either, it's a party a week after.

Violetcharlotte · 10/05/2017 20:15

If you were going out for your son's birthday I'd get it, but not sure why you need to be around the next day. Is he really going to the cinema and McDonalds for his 18th?!

If your daughter has an exam the next day then I wouldn't go, but I'm assuming the party is a Friday or a Saturday, in which case there's no reason at all why she shouldn't have a night off.

I'd go. It's your nephew!

2014newme · 10/05/2017 20:15

I wouldn't go due to the 18th and gcses. Too much going on already that week

KERALA1 · 10/05/2017 20:21

Definitely go. It is essentially a wedding and not as if you are missing your sons 18th it's the day after a very low key night out don't get why you are needed there?

TheEmmaDilemma · 10/05/2017 20:23

I keep trying to see what I'm missing here, but can't.

If my Sister said she wouldn't attend my (imaginary) child's (her Nephew's) after Wedding Party, because it was the day after her son's 18th birthday and she wanted to be around for his 'party' at McDonalds and the Cinema, I'd be offended to start with.

It's a nice family occassion and they have had theirs the day before surely?

I realise the OP is the SIL here, but still...

If you cannot be bothered say that, but the excuses just seem offensive frankly.

kittensinmydinner1 · 10/05/2017 20:28

I am always perplexed by the mother's who feel the need to put life on hold during dcs GCSEs. Claiming the 'need to be around'. What exactly do you do ? Having successfully managed 4/7 to Uni so far, I can't recall having any real use beyond cooking the normal meals for the family. All of which could be pre-cooked and heated up should i wish to go out.

Do you sit next to them and 'test' them. ? Pretty sure mine would have decamped to a friends house if I had attempted anything of that ilk. I am genuinely mystified by the concept.

OP - don't go if you don't want to. Simple as that. You don't need a silly excuse.

giddypig · 10/05/2017 20:29

I'm amazed that an 18 year old would want cinema and McDonalds for his birthday. I honestly thought you must have meant 8 years old, OP.

Also, a 'sleepover' at 18? When I and my friends were 18 we went to live in Halls at university. My mum calling it a 'sleepover' if a friend crashed at mine would have been inappropriate.

I bet your DS would MUCH rather his parents weren't around. He's an adult, not a primary school child.

TheEmmaDilemma · 10/05/2017 20:37

^^

Still, sorry.

18 - Do you want a sleep over honey?

NerrSnerr · 10/05/2017 20:43

If you don't want to go then own it, but don't use your children as an excuse. Why not do a birthday cake on his actual birthday?

If you like your nephew I'd definitely go to the party.

nakedandconcerned · 10/05/2017 20:48

Tbh it's your dhs blood nephew so I don't really think it's your place to decline the invitation

specialsubject · 10/05/2017 20:58

Unsupervised sleepover for 18 year olds is asking for trouble. Swill, spew, smash.

ImissTerry · 10/05/2017 21:01

I'd go with the 18th birthday - that will definitely only happen once. Your nephew could marry again.

Original poster
clary · 10/05/2017 22:55

Wow OK, sorry went for a run then I was needed to help DD with a French past paper (for her errm GCSEs!)

Yes I have had a bit of a hard time here Grin but I can take it. Seems a lot of people do think IABU, fair enough.

I do feel tho that my actual family is DS1 (his only ever 18th birthday, still a big thing to me, yes we will go out on the day and no I am not planning to go to the movies with him) and DD (GCSEs and stressing) rather than DH's sister's son.

WRT GCSEs and DD - I am not under house arrest or not going out for the next 6 weeks; OTOH she does need me, even if only to make hot chocolate, and I for one am glad of that. Maybe some of you have more independent yr 11s but DD is anxious and nervous, her eczema is off the chart and I want to be about if needed. Tho of course I can go out for the day, I did say that actually.

The last time I knew much about 18th parties was when I was 18, and they were a really big deal then but clearly not so much now. DS1 hasn't been to any this year, he doesn't have a big circle of friends (he has SEN and is a bit quirky) so I guess I don't know how it is.

Sorry that some of you think his 18th birthday plan is not exciting enough Hmm actually it's what he wants to do. Like I say, he doesn't have masses of mates, and I cannot imagine him wanting to go clubbing. I wouldn't mind if he did but he says no thanks just at the moment. He likes the movies and he likes McD's. Maybe his mates wouldn't want to go out on the razz in town either. Some of you were a bit rude about that but then you don't know DS1 and I didn't go into detail so I guess that's understandable.

WRT the Hmm at the wedding - I just think it's odd to spend a week away with a dozen relatives and get married but then have a big party later. I don't have an issue with it being the UK as such. But if you want to get married in the Lakes, why not do it and invite us all? Or if you want a small wedding, have one - but then what are we invited to now? "We want you to celebrate our wedding, but not so much that we are actually inviting you to the actual wedding" Hmm ok.

The other thing is, if we go, how dos it work? Does anyone know? A wedding is easy - it's at 2pm, you get there 1.30, you'll have a meal at abut 4-5pm, have some lunch before hand, all sorted. But this? Meal at lunch (it starts at 1.30)? Sit down dinner? Buffet at 7pm? Will we have to pay for our own food? If we do go I'll have to ask SiL all these questions Grin as if there's one thing I always need to know, it's when and what I am eating Grin

Oooh sorry for mega post, needed to say all that. One lesson to learn - stop making assumptions about others, even if they are foolish enough to post in AIBU. Thanks all

OP posts:
BackforGood · 10/05/2017 23:10

I agree with most. If you don't want to go - either because you don't like this nephew much, or because you want to show you 'don't approve' of the way he's chosen to get married / celebrate the occasion, then don't go.
However, YABU to think you can't go because it is the day after your ds's 18th birthday party - especially as he is keeping it very low key anyway (as you say, his choice). If he had already booked to do a big family meal, or if you were hosting a party or something, well fair enough, but that's not what is happening.
YAalsoBU to think you can't go out for a few hours because your dd is doing GCSEs - I mean, I wouldn't go away on holiday or something, but, presuming this is likely to be a weekend event, she won't have any exams on that day, and you'll be there in the morning and can come back that night - I'm sure she'll cope for a day.
Re the times - surely it says on the invitation what time you are invited for, and, if it's not clear, then just ask either the Bride or Groom or the parents - your SiL / BiL.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2017 23:19

I understand, clary, my DS is only 8 just now, but he has HFA and is 'quirky', that said, again, I know two who just turned 18 and spent it, well, one with her mum in Amsterdam and the other running a marathon, with her mum, in Dublin. Both are well-adjusted, wonderful young women, they're just not interested in drinking or clubbing.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 10/05/2017 23:28

Aw, maybe I'm just bitter that I cannot even remember my mum asking me how a single GCSE went, let alone make me a hot chocolate. In fact I think I was home alone for a good chunk of them as she went on holiday. You're right OP, nice to be 'around' for her.

I hope your son enjoys his birthday Smile

emmyrose2000 · 11/05/2017 00:00

'he seems quite young for his age.'

Why? Because he doesn't want to get rip roaring drunk on his birthday? Doing so would be a gross case of immaturity IMO.

IME as both a previous 18 year old, and the mother of one, most 18 year olds I know who have a party do so at home or a function centre and manage to remain sober throughout. No need to get totally pissed just because you've turned 18 (or whatever the drinking age is in a person's locale). I know plenty of 18 year olds who had very low key celebrations. None involved a pub crawl or getting pissed out of their tree.

Apologies OP if this is incorrect, but I'm guessing the McDonalds is close to the cinema hence it's choice as a venue after the movie.

As for the wedding after party, I probably wouldn't drive 90 minutes for an actual wedding. If I'm not good enough to be invited to the actual wedding, I'm certainly not going to drive 90 minutes for a party later on.

emmyrose2000 · 11/05/2017 00:01

*its, not it's.

Duck90 · 11/05/2017 00:40

I agree with others, if you don't want to - just say it's ds 18th,. That is enough. Don't say McDonald's etc, because as from this thread it opens up too many questions. I would understand a person putting their child's 18th first.

MommaGee · 11/05/2017 00:50

Why is he your husbands sisters son not just your nephew? Tbh even if the kids could go with you or had left home, it doesn't sound like you want to go to the party of someone you barely consider a relative. So don't go

SkippyFox · 11/05/2017 01:02

OP,
YANBU if you don't want to go
YANBU If you like being around for your DD while she studies
YANBU for wanting to be around for DS on the day after his birthday

YABU to overthink the excuses for not going. Just politely decline
YABVVVVVVVVVVU for calling 18 y olds sleeping over a 'sleepover' 😂

BTW DS1s 18 th birthday party consisted of his friends coming over and playing board games, i think that makes the cinema/McDonald's combo look positely wild 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2017 02:41

I don't understand how some posters have said an 18th birthday party is more important than a wedding party. Because hey, a wedding may happen more than once. This is beside the point, surely? To use such an argument is insulting at best. I think you're at risk of making excuses and this sets a difficult precedent for future celebrations for your children. Extended family is very important and as parents, I would do what I could to maintain it. This is in your children's best interest. You cannot predict future events and it's wise to respect families and maintain a good relationship aunts, uncles and cousins. You never know when you may need their help. And if something awful happened to you and your dh, you'd hope they'd rally round, wouldn't you? They're less likely to if you can't be bothered to go because of a party, which you won't be attending and could easily be moved and because your daughter wants you to be there to make her drinks, which you can do every single day until her exam bar a few hours at a wedding celebration. Unless there is some massive back story, I really think you should make the effort for your children's sake.

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