To think if you're off work ill, then you don't bugger off out all day

[SingToMeInFrench]

DH and I are both ill. Cold virus thing that has floored us and I'm suffering from mastitis. We have 2 DS (4yr old and 5week old).

Last night, my DM had oldest DS as we were both poorly. Youngest DS is ebf, so I do all the night waking. DH slept in a different room and had a full night's sleep.

So today DH takes today off work (was off yesterday too) as he's ill. He says he's going for a drive around 10am (claims he has cabin fever)m and says he'll bring something back to eat. He's only just arrived home.

I've had a terrible time with DS - I've been texting him all day saying how he won't breastfeed/is screaming/won't sleep but I just get "hang in there" back.

In the 30minutes DS did sleep I managed to do some cleaning and washing, even though I'm feeling shit.

He arrived home and I'm giving DS a bottle of formula - I couldn't see any other option, he hadn't fed all day. DH says "great, you've crumbled. You just can't hack it". I'm crying saying I needed his support and he says I need to cope as he has a job. He then puts plates of takeaway in front of us and proceeds to eat. I'm still crying. He says "you going to eat that? We don't have money to waste" and takes it away and puts it in the kitchen.

DM is having oldest DS again tonight because I can only just about handle youngest DS whilst feeling like this. DH will get another lovely sleep and got a lovely day off today.

Baby has just guzzled the formula after screaming at my boobs all day. I feel useless.

Your husband sounds like a prince. No, sorry, that other word - arsehole.

He's been behaving appallingly.

It's just weird, too. He thinks he told you he was going to work? Did he not realise he hadn't when you asked him to get babygros?

As for "great, you've crumbled. You just can't hack it', I'd string the fucker up for that.

Wow, what a dick! You crumbled did you? No, you are coping with being ill, recovering from the birth AND mastitis!

He went to work because he saw that being at home would involve him helping out. Selfish arse.

I'm sorry OP. My husband can be unbelievable selfish too (leaving me with in pain post op to play golf last weekend), so I know how disappointing and lonely you must be feeling. Not that I'm comparing my situation to yours, just saying I understand a little.

Take help from your mum and I would uphold back from telling her what a pig your DH has been.

And you were texting him, too, but he didn't text back he was at work. I smell shite.

What a twunt. I reckon the PPs who suggested he was at his mum's for some TLC and that he's only bothered about breastfeeding so he doesn't have to do feeds are pretty close to the mark.

Hope you get some respite tonight OP. Look after yourself.

That should say I wouldn't hold back telling your mum.

This has made me really angry for you OP. He sounds like an absolute bellend. I'd be going to your mum's with the baby.

My DM is amazing. She helps me out so much, and she knows H has form for being useless in the past (especially with DS1 as a baby, he got stressed out very quickly. We both did, DS1 was a refluxy, non sleeping, screamer ) We said we would never have any more children after our nightmare first few months with DS1

But H has been different this time (up until today) really pulling his weight, taking DS1 out so I can sleep with baby, encouraging the breastfeeding, saying what a wonderful job I'm doing etc etc

He's just offered to go pick up DS1. I've told him not to bother as he would be upset at leaving his nanny's and it would confuse him because he thinks he's sleeping there again tonight.

It's shit when you're ill, isn't it? I've got a rotten cold too, and DH is at work so I've had the baby all day and DS1 before and after school. Difference is as soon as DH gets home he'll take over and he doesn't expect me to have done anything beyond feed and change the baby today - and if I was too ill to cope he would have taken the day off. To just leave you with the baby and fuck off to work without telling you is cuntishness of the highest order, he should be doing everything he can to help you recover, because looking after a 5 week old baby is massively draining. Has he been this selfish and inconsiderate before or is this a new development?

My mum has a full house at the moment. There would be nowhere for us to sleep.

Never underestimate your DM! Tell her OP please you need a break and some TLC.

If I have learnt anything since having my LO, it is what a powerful force DM's become when they become a grandmother. In all my life I have never seen my mother lose her temper or raise her voice. There have only been two exceptions to this. The first was at the (crap) doctors and midwife who she quickly identified almost lost me through their utter incompetence during labour. The second occasion was a situation similar but not quite as serious as your (awful) experience with DH today. I blabbed it all in tears and she took my DP to task immediately, using language befitting a docker (I never knew she even had such words in her brain) and reached decibels I have never before heard her reach.

I got flowers I did not need but DP has never done it since.
Your DP should hang his head`in shame-You deserve better OP.

Also, you didn't crumble. He can fuck right off with that attitude. Your baby is fed, that's what matters.

Your DP sounds like a useless wanker. What do you see in him?

Yep not once did he text back he was at work.

I even text "come back" at one point during the screaming fest, but he still didn't say he was at work....because, you know, being on his "drive" I thought he'd be back in 15 mins max.

He text at 3pmish saying "I am coming back in a mo. Want anything?" Still didn't say he was at work

Then he was still another two hours.

Sorry, not trying to drip feed with his responses - I'm re-reading them again now without a screaming baby in my ear

Really hoping you don't take this the wrong way but did he definitely go to work, do you believe him? Did he dress for work? Shower and get ready for work? Leave at normal time to go to work? Did he call in sick in the morning/previous night but then turned up anyway presumably without telling them? It doesn't make sense.

He got up normal time and showered. Then said goodbye (I was still in bed with DS2) and he went downstairs.

Then I've just remembered he said, before leaving, if I don't feel well enough I'll come home early.

Then I fell back asleep, woke up an hour or so later and had a bath with DS2.

DH arrives in the bathroom (it's 10am now) scares the shit out of me, and he announces he never left for work and won't be going in today. Ok fair enough, we will both be off.

The at 10.30am he announces he's going for a drive as he has cabin fever and needs to clear his head

Arsehole.

He's definitely a bellend & in addition, that is stange behaviour.

I didn't hear him call in. I presume he emailed his boss? He's a technician in a FE setting.

At 10 he says he's not going to work and then at 10:30 he leaves and goes to work? Something's not right with this story. What hours does he work?

He works 9am to 5pm. 45 minute drive there and back.

Tell everyone.

Tonight, whenever the baby needs something give the baby to him saying "your turn" and go back to bed. He won't hear the baby crying, or he'll pretend he can't, so you'll still need to wake and get up, but then just pass everything over to him.

He wasn't at work, and you should go out and leave him with the baby. You say he's been ok up to today, that means he's perfectly capable of looking after DS2. There are cases where that's bad advice but this isn't one of them.

Sing how awful. Just utterly shit day for you.

If baby happily accepting formula please don't beat yourself up. Most important is that baby is fed and if fed may sleep and then you can sleep. Can HV advise? And ignore goady fucker DH who would have no idea about mastitis

Do what you need to do at this moment. Deal with GF later when calmer

Generally he can be a bit weird. Socially awkward in situations with strangers. He suffers from depression (as do I, but at least I can bloody tell people where I am going).

It's so weird. So bloody weird.

Baby has had 5ozs of formula. I'm going for a bath then a nap. I will be asking H questions once I'm feeling less frazzled. I will update.

Thank you for all your replies everyone. I was seriously doubting myself/sending myself crazy.