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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wants another baby 18 months after this one?

130 replies

TheBlushBaby · 10/05/2017 09:25

My partner and I wanted children for a while but only recently had the fantastic news that we were expecting our first.

I've love my pregnancy, and I'm currently at 25 weeks.

Anyway, I asked when we might look at having another baby after this one, and he confidently said within 18 months of this one being born. I'm really happy that he wants another one soon, but what are people's experiences with this sort of age gap between two children?

We discussed having live-in help with the children, so I'm not worried about having enough help. I just wanted to know what other difficulties we might run into or the strain it may put on my body?

Is it a good age gap between children?

OP posts:

coconutpie · 10/05/2017 14:24

Have this baby first. You have no idea how you'll feel once the baby arrives - you may want another really soon or want a big gap.

Rainydayzandmondays13 · 10/05/2017 14:25

Congratulations. I'm 26+4 with my second and there'll be a 21 month gap between them so can't comment on that side of things as yet. But we did want a close age gap

However my DS is 18 months and I am suffering from PGP this pregnancy as well as being very short tempered and low on energy. So its been a bit difficult being pregnant and running around after a toddler as well as sad as I haven't been the mummy he's used to.
You of course may be different but I definitely wouldn't be pregnant again when DC is so young

Cutesbabasmummy · 10/05/2017 15:19

You should definitely wait and see how you feel after dc 1 arrives. You might have an amazing birth. Or you might have a 36 hours exhausting birth with tears and episiotomy. (Not my exact experience I hasten to add). You might have post natal depression, you might not. You might struggle to breast feed. Who knows?

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 15:32

"We discussed having live-in help for the children"
"we are both SAHM and SAHD"
Are you for real?! Are you millionaires? And why would you need live-in help if you're both SAHPs?

"I would be the one setting the baby making pace if I was the only one looking after the babies!"
You're the only one growing and birthing the babies. If you breastfeed, you'll be the only one doing that too. So yes, it's a joint decision, but you still have the final say.

YABU - well, just naive, to even consider planning this before your first baby has arrived. I recently had my first (he's 2 months old) and it's a MASSIVE shock to the system.

Even if you did still want another so soon, it wouldn't be advisable if you had a c-section, and it might not be possible if you're breastfeeding and your period hasn't started again.

JaxingJump · 10/05/2017 15:38

Sounds like OP has an unusual set up! If babies in quick succession is what she and her partner want then assuming no fertility issues, there is nothing stopping her. As pointed out she may change her mind once #1 arrives for various valid reasons.

At the end of the day, many many families have their babies very close together so it's not a crazy thought or discussion to be having.

Rainydayzandmondays13 · 10/05/2017 15:42

namechange I got pregnant 13 months after a c-section and doctors have no issues. Under a year then maybe they would. Apart from that I agree with what you say

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/05/2017 15:55

As this thread demonstrates, there is no 'right' answer to the question if when/if to have another baby. What works like a dream for one family will be utter disaster for another.

We had 22 months between ds1 and ds2, and almost exactly 2 years between ds2 and ds3 - and that worked well for us. However, I was an slightly older mother - 29 when ds1 was born, so longer gaps would have meant I could have been knocking on 40 when ds3 was born, which would have made an already very tiring time, even harder.

Other posters have said it, but it bears repeating - neither you nor your dp know what parenthood is going to be like for you. It might be a breeze, it might be difficult, you might have a really placid baby, or one with additional needs. You might have a really easy birth, or a really long labour and instrumental delivery or c-section, and you might recovery well or end up with PND - or anywhere in between any of these options. Wait and see how this one goes, before deciding on the next one.

I also think you should take the time to enjoy the end of this pregnancy, and this baby, once he or she arrives. Be in the moment, instead of looking past what you have in the here-and-now to what comes next, and next and next.

BluePeppers · 10/05/2017 15:59

You are the only one who is carrying the babies though. That he cannot do.
And that's the reason why you shod be the one to have the last word.
It doesn't mean your DO, as the father, shouldn't have a word to say bout whether or when to have another. Because it will affect him (regardless of whether he is a SAHD btw. Even if he was working full time, I would expect him to pitch in to look after his own dcs and to parent them and care for them).
But for me it's the same than saying that if one is considering an abortion, then it's the woman who really is deciding and her decision who takes priority. Because it's her body and her who will carry and give birth to the baby.

notomatoes · 10/05/2017 16:10

I'm very confused. How can you be stay at home parents if you haven't had a baby yet? Surely that's unemployed?

Also, there is no way DP would dictate the pace I have children at. Sure, it affects him. But not half as much as it does me.

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 16:21

rainyday
" I got pregnant 13 months after a c-section and doctors have no issues. Under a year then maybe they would. Apart from that I agree with what you say"
I wasn't saying there's anything wrong with getting pregnant 13 months after a c-section. I believe the advice is usually to wait a year. But the OP is talking about an 18 month age gap which means getting pregnant 9 months after giving birth. That's what I meant when I said it would be unadvisable after a c-section.

nigelsbigface · 10/05/2017 16:34

Exhausting until the youngest turned 7-free that a lovely age gap as they always have someone to play with and are good friends despite all the bickering that goes on.

Original poster

TheBlushBaby · 10/05/2017 16:36

notomatoes I was self employed before becoming pregnant and stopped what I was working on.

My partner used to work 5 days a week (one day at home), and is in a great C-level position. When we found out I was expecting he renegotiated his contract. He now works one day a week with the option to work from home on that day. Which he will unless something pressing comes up. Occasionally he has to travel out of country but he is sweet and doesn't leave for more than 3 days.

We also have some savings so all looks good, we can care for our family.

I think I would be a lot more wary of having another baby so soon if I had any negative experiences during my pregnancy, but it's been smooth sailing. No morning sickness, no real aches. That said, I probably won't be so lucky with my next pregnancy so there will for certain be a few years between baby 2 and baby 3!

OP posts:

C0RAL · 10/05/2017 16:52

Wow, I wish i had the kind of job where ( in your very early 20s ) you can support a wife, a FT nanny and two ( possibly three children) working one day a week. And which has the flexibility to go one day a week when're you want.

Sounds fabulous.

minipie · 10/05/2017 17:02

If this weren't your first baby I'd be asking if you were Kate.

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 17:24

"I think I would be a lot more wary of having another baby so soon if I had any negative experiences during my pregnancy, but it's been smooth sailing. No morning sickness, no real aches. That said, I probably won't be so lucky with my next pregnancy so there will for certain be a few years between baby 2 and baby 3!"

You're only 25 weeks pregnant FGS, you've still got ~15 weeks left to go! Wait and see how the third trimester and the birth go before making sweeping statements about your experience and future plans.

5moreminutes · 10/05/2017 17:26

You said I'm in my very early 20's so it's not like there is any rush

Presumably unless you are trust fund babies your DH is significantly older, which is the only realistic way he could be in the kind of incredibly senior role as an employee (as you said he has renegotiated not that he owns a company which virtually runs itself) where he can support you and pay staff working one day per week from home!

Is that why although you are not in a rush, he is?

5moreminutes · 10/05/2017 17:29

Namechange is right that while morning sickness is mostly associated with early pregnancy most of the other problems that can happen, including the aches and pains, discomfort, insomnia, gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia etc. most often kick in in the last 10 weeks, especially after 35 weeks (which is why few people take maternity leave much before 35 weeks with a first baby).

GlitterGlue · 10/05/2017 17:46

I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine with your two imaginary babies in 18 months in your imaginary house with live in help.

Original poster

TheBlushBaby · 10/05/2017 18:10

5moreminutes nope, he is in his very early 30's, and apparently sperm quality declines after the age of 35, so we have quite a few years left before it's a worry. He managed to get the position he works in a few years back. I'm very proud of him, he is amazing in his field.

I get what you're saying about the last 10 weeks, and I guess I just assumed since I had no problems early on, I wouldn't have any later one. That goes to show how little I know! You're 100% right, I'm counting my eggs before they hatch.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 18:12

"apparently sperm quality declines after the age of 35"

Eh?! Where did you get that from?

oblada · 10/05/2017 18:18

I can see it has been mentioned before but just to say again: if you breastfeed the gap between children may not all be your choice. For me my periods returned around 30months + after each birth.

Original poster

TheBlushBaby · 11/05/2017 11:14

oblada do you mind if I ask how long you were breastfeeding for? I do plan to breastfeed for a year or more, and at absolute minimum 6 months. I know that's assuming I have a good milk supply and don't run into any other issues.

OP posts:

newbian · 11/05/2017 11:23

TheBlushBaby I breastfed for almost a year and a half and my period did not return until 14 months PP. I got pregnant the month after I weaned from breastfeeding.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/05/2017 11:31

First off, congratulations!
Age gaps, well, see how it goes.
I had a five year gap between my oldest, and it was too long (for us), we had a couple of shocks after that, and had three children in 2 1/2 years, I found having two close together was fine, three was much harder, but now they are older they get on well. And then one after another large gap. That's was great, as now the others help out with childcare etc when needed, but every family is different, there are no right ways/ wrong ways, you just so what feels right at the time, or roll with it as it happens. Good luck!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/05/2017 11:33

And I got pregnant twice, while using contraceptives AND breastfeeding! It's not a reliable contraceptive! 😉

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