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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wants another baby 18 months after this one?

130 replies

TheBlushBaby · 10/05/2017 09:25

My partner and I wanted children for a while but only recently had the fantastic news that we were expecting our first.

I've love my pregnancy, and I'm currently at 25 weeks.

Anyway, I asked when we might look at having another baby after this one, and he confidently said within 18 months of this one being born. I'm really happy that he wants another one soon, but what are people's experiences with this sort of age gap between two children?

We discussed having live-in help with the children, so I'm not worried about having enough help. I just wanted to know what other difficulties we might run into or the strain it may put on my body?

Is it a good age gap between children?

OP posts:
LaLegue · 10/05/2017 09:59

I honestly wouldn't try to pin a 'right' or 'wrong' time frame on a second child yet.

You may find motherhood a breeze, you may not and the thought of having two under 2 enough to send you round the twist. You may become accidentally pregnant and end up with a 12 month gap or you may try for years and still end up with a 6 year gap. You might love the baby but hate the whole parenting thing and decide to stick at one.

Don't rush or over-plan things. You will know when the time is right to try - you will feel it.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/05/2017 10:00

Just wait and see what your baby is actually like first. You may not feel like ttc when up multiple times in the night with a nine month old.

Also if you breast feed your period normally won't return until after you stop feeding and maybe even a few months afterwards.

The only practical point is if you think you will have two close in age then buy a pram which can adapt to a double in the future

ElspethFlashman · 10/05/2017 10:00

Honestly?

Let him chat away. He hasn't a clue what babies are like to live with. Let him have his fantasy for now. He's kinda living in cloud cuckoo land that he thinks it's going to be an instantaneous conception tbh - I started trying a year in and it still took some months to actually conceive (so mine are 22 months apart)

Decide how you feel down the road. Don't be pressured.

Having a small gap is horrendous for the first 6 months, though at least you're still "in the zone" with nappies and naps. It's quite nice after that as they're pals. But there are all sorts of longer gaps that seem to work out really well.

BeyondStrongAndStable · 10/05/2017 10:01

We started trying for dc2 immediately, he was due 18m to the day after ds1's birth. Came a little later than expected. My sisters two (younger) are also 18m apart, so I must have made it look easy Grin

I liked getting all of the baby stuff out of the way in one go and having them close in age to play now (5&6). There's only a year between me and sister too :)

HomityBabbityPie · 10/05/2017 10:02

The problem with spacing them out too much is that you are always in the 'kid zone'. I can see the benefit of having them relatively close together.

This is what it comes down to isn't it - you choose which "negatives" you would rather take. My DS is 14 months now. He needs constant attention. I cannot for the life of me fathom how I would be able to pay any sort of attention to a new baby. When I see toddlers out with their younger siblings (like say 8/9 months old), the toddler is getting 100% of the attention because how could it not? I just don't think I'd be able to split myself like that, my mental health would suffer.

But as I said upthread - it's a personality thread. I need a lot of headspace to remain sane. Kids in general don't offer headspace, but I get a lot more with one than I would having two in close succession.

This plus I don't buy into the 'have a small age gap and they will be close' stuff - it doesn't automatically work that way. 12 years between my brother and I and we are really close. I know siblings with 18 months between them who can't bear each other. It's the luck of the draw.

icanteven · 10/05/2017 10:02

It's so different for everyone that it's impossible to say for sure, but when DD1 was 15 months old I was suddenly all "OMG I HAVE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND HAVE ANOTHER BABY". I think she must have slept through the night for the first time and I got overexcited or something.

We have a slightly over 2 year gap, which I think is perfect - they play brilliantly together, and always have.

See how you feel when your first baby is sleeping through (a bit).

firawla · 10/05/2017 10:02

I had a 17 month gap then a 19 month gap with my first 3 in my early twenties then had a 5 year gap and just had my 4th. The small gaps and the bigger gap all have their positives and negatives, but as others said it's too early to plan before you've even given birth to first one, can't you just say to him that you'll see how you get on?

OhDearToby · 10/05/2017 10:03

Wait and see. My first was an (adorable) nightmare. Didn't sleep, didn't eat, cried all the time. I didn't have another till she was 5.

Dd2 is easy, cheerful and hasn't made my life any harder so I'm having another when she's 17 months.

HomityBabbityPie · 10/05/2017 10:03

You might love the baby but hate the whole parenting thing and decide to stick at one.

I think this is exactly what happened with me. I adore DS but I don't adore parenting.

Wando1986 · 10/05/2017 10:03

18 months is a good age gap 👍

MargaretCabbage · 10/05/2017 10:04

I'd wait and see how it goes. When DC1 was a newborn I wasn't sure I wanted more children as I found it all so hard, but then I decided I wanted all of the sleepless nights over and done with because I was worried if he did start sleeping I could never go back. We ended up with a 20 month age gap. In all honesty being pregnant while trying to care for a toddler was the most horrific experience, but now the baby is here it's pretty nice.

Buck3t · 10/05/2017 10:04

I think it would have been great if my sisters and I were closer in age. But I'm very close to the sister who is 11 years younger than me and my mum isn't crazy (much), which she guarantees she would have been if she had two under the age of 5. Horses for courses I guess.

I have six years between my two and I they love each other, play and fight but also have their own friends. We would never be able to afford all the activities they do if we had them closer together, though I only wanted a 4 year gap it didn't happen for us before that.

drspouse · 10/05/2017 10:04

Our DC2 is 2 1/2 years younger than your DC1, and my colleagues (a couple) have two DC who are 1 1/2 years apart.

I remember when they were expecting their DC2, their DC1 was about 12 months, and thinking "they have no idea what it will be like having one 18 month old let alone one 2 year old, and then throwing a newly mobile baby into that mix? madness". They were still with the portable and biddable 12 month old, only.

Ours were hard work but it's by no means a "large gap" and they gang up on us play well together.

Jackiebrambles · 10/05/2017 10:10

I didn't even feel ready to consider another baby until my son was over a year old!

I wouldn't think about this now. You are about to go through a totally life altering experience, and you have no idea how it's going to feel/how you will cope!

ElspethFlashman · 10/05/2017 10:11

In all honesty being pregnant while trying to care for a toddler was the most horrific experience

God yes. Awful. Actually worse than having a newborn and a toddler.

maras2 · 10/05/2017 10:11

Wait and see.
It took 6 years for me to even contemplate TTC again.
They're in their 40's now and have been best buddies all of their lives.
Oddly though there's only 18 months between both of their own children.
Maybe something to do with all sets of grandparents being retired and very hands on helpwise unlike when mine were small and grandparents were all still working.Who knows? Smile
Congratulations on your soon to be happy event.

C0RAL · 10/05/2017 10:14

I'd leave it until your baby is at least 6 months old and you can see what kind of father he's shaping up to be. If he's keen to have an 18 months gap he will work hard to do as much hands on parenting as he can.

And I mean actual parenting. . Not taking about how much he loves the baby, buying cute outfits and posting photos on Facebook. Not staying late at work or going to the gym and coming home when baby's asleep for the night. Not complaining that we don't get any " couple time " or that he's not getting enough sex. Or that " the baby gets more attention than me " . Because you know, that life with one baby. And it's definitely life with two under two .

There's no point in having another so soon to suit him if in reality he leaves 95% of it you and the nanny and moans like a selfish teenager.

Lancelottie · 10/05/2017 10:14

Other end of the parenting scale here, and I'd say this:

If you space your children out by two school years, you will find yourself with one battling GCSEs while the other is doing A-levels.

And you will need either a zen-like state of calm, happy parenting, or gin.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 10/05/2017 10:15

DD1 was five months old when I got pregnant with DD2, so 14 months apart. Worked out brilliantly, tiring of course but, all the breastfeeding and/or bottles and nappies out of the way quicker over all and I found that DD learnt everything so much quicker as she wanted to be like her sister (e.g. She bypassed the potty entirely and went from pull ups straight to the toilet). They are also totally best buddies. So all in all worked out well for us and I used to look at friends with toddlers of two or three and juggling a newborn and think, glad that's not me!

PinguForPresident · 10/05/2017 10:17

There's absolutely no way you can contemplate this decision until youve had the baby and seen how the birth and first few months go.

If it's all a breeze, great birth, baby who sleeps and feeds well, then you might fancy having another quickly. If you have a tough birth or a non-sleeper, having another will be the last thing on your mind.

Chill out. Wait and see.

meganix · 10/05/2017 10:18

Play it by ear is the only way to decide I think. You may have a horrendous birth and need to leave a long time to recover (physically or mentally). The baby stage is a bloody shock first time round so he may change his tune. 14 months between my eldest two. I won't lie - it was hard as fuck.

HomityBabbityPie · 10/05/2017 10:18

It's just that there's no right time to decide. You might (like me) have a deliriously easy newborn and then a very active, knackering toddler.

JanetBrown2015 · 10/05/2017 10:20

Whe our third was born was had a 20 month old and a 3 year old. The cloest gap (other than the twins) was 20 months. It was fine. i went went back to work a few weeks after they were born full time and expressed milk at work (that bit was hard). By 20 months the second one had stopped breastfeeding (just). Breastfeeding by the way is not necessarily a contraceptive so people need to be careful not to get pregnant immediately after birth (if they don't want to).

1bighappyfamily · 10/05/2017 10:20

@Lancelottie, despite having only a 16 month gap, mine are two school years apart. I'm DREADING the GCSE/A-Level year. The only thing that's giving me some hope is that I will have a year of GCSEs and AS Levels under my belt by then so maybe I'll be a bit more relaxed.

Or that they'll have done away with the whole system in the next decade and we'll have a fresh hell to contend with.

Bella1985 · 10/05/2017 10:22

Agree with others - wait to see how you feel. DS is 4 months old and originally I thought I'd want the next one soon but I've found it really hard - you just don't know how you react to the stress and you don't know what type of baby you'll have. Pregnancy wise, I had an easy pregnancy up until 30 weeks and then SPD kicked in and the last 9.5 weeks were hell. Couple that with a long labour resulting in failed forceps delivery and emcs, and a week stay in hospital pp...my body wants more time to recover. We probably won't ttc again until DS is 2 yrs old... my response to you would have been very different at 25weeks pregnant!

Great to have a plan, but keep it flexible, don't put pressure on yourselves and don't be disappointed if things don't go according to plan.

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