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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wants another baby 18 months after this one?

130 replies

TheBlushBaby · 10/05/2017 09:25

My partner and I wanted children for a while but only recently had the fantastic news that we were expecting our first.

I've love my pregnancy, and I'm currently at 25 weeks.

Anyway, I asked when we might look at having another baby after this one, and he confidently said within 18 months of this one being born. I'm really happy that he wants another one soon, but what are people's experiences with this sort of age gap between two children?

We discussed having live-in help with the children, so I'm not worried about having enough help. I just wanted to know what other difficulties we might run into or the strain it may put on my body?

Is it a good age gap between children?

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 10/05/2017 12:07

We wanted an 18 month gap, but got 24 months because that is how long it took to get pregnant (I breast fed, periods didn't come back until DC1 was 12 months, then still took a few months to get pregnant).

I have a DC3 too, with a gap of just over 3.5 years from DC2 (just over 5.5 from DC1).

A small gap is way, way, way easier IMO! Especially if you get a non sleeper!

If you have a school aged child you are tied to their routine esp. school run but also extra curricular, friends around etc, and you have two children with absolutely and completely different needs, interests and routines for years and years.

If you have DC2 when DC1 is still tiny they know no different really, adapt faster, you can have a lazy day of playdoh/ colouring/ Duplo/ cbeebies in your PJs or a summer garden day with a little sandpit and a bucket of water to wash pebbles in all day when you need to due to morning sickness or in late pregnancy if the baby is a poor sleeper, toddlers groups are easy to bundle a baby along to, and they play together and have the same interests in terms of toddler activities, days out, holidays etc. far sooner.

I found it millions of times easier accommodating toddler and baby than young infant school child, preschooler and baby. Especially hated those days when the baby had a bad night but finally settled properly into a deep sleep near morning but then had to be dragged out on the school run first thing!

Also my DSs (who have a 3.5 year gap) didn't genuinely play together properly as peers until they were about 4 and 7 - before that the younger one is being a "good" older sibling and playing with the younger one, but they are not remotely on anything like the same level. DC1 and 2 with a smaller gap were thick as thieves and genuinely best friends very much earlier. With a big gap you have years and years during which you have to keep the little one occupied away from the big one to stop them ruining their game/ lego/ painting, instead of them both doing the same things and being on the same level quickly.

HomityBabbityPie · 10/05/2017 12:10

you can have a lazy day of playdoh/ colouring/ Duplo/ cbeebies in your PJs or a summer garden day with a little sandpit and a bucket of water to wash pebbles in all day

You have clearly never met my DS Grin

Paninotogo · 10/05/2017 12:11

Mine are only 15 months apart, it was lovely. But they are both incredible sleepers so that helped. If you are getting live in help it really doesn't matter surely?

toomuchtooold · 10/05/2017 12:15

Mumsnet used to have a thing where you described your kids by number and maximum age - not seen it for a while - like you might say "I have 2 under 3" i.e. 2 kids under the age of 3. I think the rule of thumb was that if the first number was the same or bigger than the second, you were screwed basically. It does make a ton of things harder - you need a double buggy and things like toddler car seats you can't pass on... you become a bit of a travelling circus if you've got two unreliable walkers at the same time... disturbed sleep at the same time... kids are just really intense until about 3 and a half or so.

5moreminutes · 10/05/2017 12:16

HomityBabbityPie probably not :o Obviously the DC1's personality comes into play too!

I was a childminder to similar age children for a while when mine were small (I jumped in at the deep end when DC1 was 11 months with a minded 12 month old and a minded 16 month old along with my DC1) and I must admit I find being at home with several small children lovely, but hate having to fit sleep deprivation and the natural rhythms of babies and very small children in with being tied to the externally enforced routine you have once your eldest is at school (or to some extent even preschool). I found having children at similar stages by far the better and easier option. I also found it easier to stay focussed on doing one "job" properly rather than being harried and constantly having to rip DC3 off the breast because it was time to do a school run or go to an activity for an older child.

StarsAndStripes18 · 10/05/2017 12:20

I have 5 DSs and they are all 2 years apart (give or take a few weeks) apart from the 2 youngest who are exactly 1 year apart.

So when my 5th DS was born, I had a 7yo, 5yo, 3yo, 1yo and a newborn.

My DH worked long hours and apart from when he was at home I had no other help and even though I used no oils or creams I never got 1 stretch mark although I do think that was pure luck!

Yes, there were days when it was tough.. very tough and I had PND with my 1st, 3rd and 5th boys but we got there and we're a happy family!

MorewinepleaseX · 10/05/2017 12:22

God no way! I would not want to go through all that again right away. I love being a mum but it's hard work and I just have one.
Your whole life is consumed by taking care of someone else. That's just me though I know some people love kids and love popping them out lol. I love my sanity more than anything x

hollyisalovelyname · 10/05/2017 12:24

When Men plan the future the Gods smile.

HeyRoly · 10/05/2017 12:26

When I used to take DC1 to toddler groups, I was absolutely HORRIFIED by all the mums who were there with two year olds and babies Grin

I'd found it all very hard. PND, anxiety and a not-exactly-easygoing child took a massive toll on me. In the end we had an age gap of 3.5/4 years.

I also found that pregnancy had taken a massive toll on me physically, and I didn't feel like myself for nearly a year each time.

TheBlushBaby · 10/05/2017 12:31

Just for those who are a little confused; we are both SAHM and SAHD. I in no way feel like he is making a decision that won't effect him, it totally will. If things go wrong, we're in it together.

I would be the one setting the baby making pace if I was the only one looking after the babies!

OP posts:
StarsAndStripes18 · 10/05/2017 12:32

HeyRoly you definitely would have been horrified by me then Grin

SnapJack68 · 10/05/2017 12:32

I would revisit this conversation when your 1st is 6 months old.

Don't fall for the hormones right after birth telling you you wantat least 4 more asap

I was 25 with my first and will be 28 when next one is born. I also vouch for being pregnant with a toddler to look after being absolutely horrendous . But I am very ill with my pregnancy with HG

glad I had a gap long enough to enjoy first one on his own and get him a bit less dependent on me before I gotpregnant again . Sleeps well alone now and not breastfeeding anymore etc. Plays on park equipment without needing me on with him etc

SnapJack68 · 10/05/2017 12:35

Huh, both stay at home parents with live in help too?

WayfaringStranger · 10/05/2017 12:41

If neither of you are working and you have live-in help, that's about 100 times easier than most parents. I guess it depends on your health.

CBeebiesaddict · 10/05/2017 12:42

Homity are you me?! I also had grand plans for multiple children with two years between each. Them my whirlwind arrived and DH has had the snip Grin

I am always astounded by people who suggest chilled out days with babies or toddlers, DS goes insane if inside for more than about half an hour.

CBeebiesaddict · 10/05/2017 12:44

If we were both SAHP with live in help I would probably have had more than one though OP as that sounds like a great set up.

LikeaSnowflake · 10/05/2017 12:47

I'm 38 weeks pregnant.

My DD just turned 18 months. I am teacher, worked full time and commuted an hour each way throughout this pregnancy and have been on maternity leave since Easter. I thought that I would be able to get out and about and spend time with my DD doing lots of fun things.

Reality is I'm heavily pregnant, struggle to bend down to play with her at all, struggle going out and about lifting her and pram and then making sure she doesn't run off when she is walking.

My body has coped no where near as well with this pregnancy (my first was a breeze) and I sometimes wonder if it's because she was only 9 months when I conceived.

This is is not necessarily everyone's experience but I have been to known to have said if my DD had been 1 or older I might have left a longer gap. I am exited to meet my new DC now but it's been a lot tougher than expected.

See how you find it first before thinking any further on Smile

LikeaSnowflake · 10/05/2017 12:48

*excited

Oysterbabe · 10/05/2017 13:01

Ha! I knew it would be Blushbaby. As with most of your other threads you're jumping the gun, wait and see how you cope with the one you're pregnant with.

DontFundHate · 10/05/2017 13:14

See how it goes! I always said I'd have 18 months between mine but with bf my periods didn't even return til 18 months and I wasn't really fertile til 2yrs. We went with the flow :)

HomityBabbityPie · 10/05/2017 13:14

DS goes insane if inside for more than about half an hour

I think you actually ARE me Grin

Sunnywithadashofgin · 10/05/2017 13:24

I think you need to wait and see! I wanted one very quickly after my son was born. Then newborn stage and sleep deprivation hit. He is nearly one and I am still not broody!

Louiselouie0890 · 10/05/2017 13:49

See how you go either of you could think differently after. I'm pregnant with my second now and my first is two the muscles where your pubic bone is are really sore as midwife says I haven't healed fully yet. So it gets very sore and I walk like John Wayne and baby feels like there gna push there way out. Were doing it now as I wanna get it done with so I can go back to work my sister has big age gaps and as one is in high school wanting money to do stuff and have this that and everything she can't work as she's still looking after the younger ones but it's different everyone I wouldn't make any decisions till you come to it

Dishwashersaurous · 10/05/2017 14:04

Both sahparents and live in help will make the practical day to day bits much, much easier.

However, you can not know how you will be physically impacted and emotionally cope. Plus until your child has safely arrived you can't know what they will be like Eg additional needs, medical treatment required etc

RebootYourEngine · 10/05/2017 14:23

If neither of you work how do you support yourselves?

You cant really fully decide what you are going to do until this baby is born and a few months old.