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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd went on sleepover - Mother of friend had provided alcohol!

107 replies

Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 19:41

This is a WWYD.

Dd (13) went on a sleepover last night to a friends house - 4 girls in total, all aged 13 years and Mother of 1 girl at the sleepover house.
Daughter dropped off at 10.30am this morning by Mother of friend.
This afternoon I get shown a snapchat screenshot by a child in our street, depicting my Dd with a bottle of blue WKD in her hand and it says 'my friend drinking alcohol for the first time' - it had been posted by the friend who had hosted the sleepover.
So, I go banzai at my Dd and ask what on earth went on at the sleepover! Dd breaks down and says Mother hosting sleepover had bought WKD for the girls, thinking it would be fun!? Dd vehement that she kept refusing the offer of trying it, when offered by friend, but friend was getting angry and cross so dd tasted it (friend took photo of this). Dd said to friend that she didn't like it, as did other 2 girls at sleepover - so friend hosting drank the WKD herself and fell asleep.
AIBU to be absolutely fuming at parent of hosting child for buying minors alcohol and thinking it ok to give my child alcohol - without even asking me?!
What should I do? I have no contact number for the Mother, but do know where she lives (obviously).
Sorry if it ses a bit disjointed, but didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/05/2017 19:42

I'd be furious! What an idiot that woman is. I would definitely get in touch and tell her what I thought.

tickingthebox · 06/05/2017 19:43

I really don't understand some people my DS (age 10 at the time) wen for a sleepover at a friends and played Call of Duty FFS!

RyanStartedTheFire · 06/05/2017 19:43

I would be congratulating DD for standing her ground. It's hard to stand up to peer pressure, and I'd be glad that she didn't feel the need to drink more past that sip.
I would be fuming with the mother though, and would definitely let her know. I know it happens, but I would expect to be asked and consulted.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 06/05/2017 19:44

I would hit the roof!!

What a twat that mother is. One of those who wants to be a cool friend rather than a bloody parent. My child wouldn't be going to that house again with that lack of judgement.

RyanStartedTheFire · 06/05/2017 19:45

Yes, I'd be keeping DD well away from other child too. She's not a friend.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 06/05/2017 19:45

Meh, your DD didn't even want to try it. You've brought her up so say no.

Maybe the mum wanted to be 'the cool mum'?

I'd leave it. Obviously don't let her go there again.

If you do see the mum you can demonstrate your distaste.

Cloudyapples · 06/05/2017 19:45

Do you know the mothers of the other girls at the sleepover? Do they know their children we're given alcohol without their permission?

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 06/05/2017 19:45

Is there a safeguarding concern for the host girl, if her mother is providing her with alcohol and she seems OK sinking a bottle or two?

Scholes34 · 06/05/2017 19:46

I wouldn't tell the mother what I thought of her. I'd instead concentrate on DD and learn from the experience. DD should understand that future sleepovers with the same friend are probably not going to happen and DD should understand the reasons why - and I'm guessing she probably does.

ragz134 · 06/05/2017 19:46

Wow, I'm a pretty liberal parent but 13 is way too young to be given alcohol at a sleepover! Especially someone else's children... I'd go mental.

Sunnyshores · 06/05/2017 19:48

same happened to my DS last summer (she was 14), yes I was furious. I spoke to other mothers first and one was sent offered to go round and speak to the mother. Unfortunately she didnt seem to realise shed done anything wrong Hmm

Trifleorbust · 06/05/2017 19:51

I would message her: "DD is telling me you gave her alcohol - is this true?"

And she would never, ever go there again. The woman is clearly out of her tree.

MrsJamesMathews · 06/05/2017 19:51

I'd call the police personally. It is illegal to buy children alcohol, obviously. Plus there are no doubt some safeguarding concerns about the resident child/children that ought to be looked in to.

There's no point talking to her. She's clearly a total moron who's not all of a sudden going to grow a brain just because you tell her what a dick she is.

witsender · 06/05/2017 19:52

I would not be impressed. I was amazed to hear that relatives of ours bought alcohol for their daughter's 14th birthday party, and were hugely blasé about them all vomiting all night and then in bed hungover the next day. I'm pretty chilled, but I didn't think that was on.

Trifleorbust · 06/05/2017 19:53

It's not illegal to give children alcohol. I don't think police would do anything.

Original poster
Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 19:53

Apparently the other 2 girls also tasted it because they felt like they had to. I asked dd if other parents were aware, she said they were not. It sounds like a very chaotic set up tbh at the hosting house. I am still fuming! I basically read the riot act to Dd - for taking a drink of the alcohol, for not texting me when she felt vulnerable, and for not telling me what had gone on - I appreciate she was under peer pressure, but also want her to see the consequences of the above.
Dd has struggled with friendships after a long period of being bullied, the host friend is the strongest character in their group of 4 and dd is petrified that if she (or I !) go against this girl then the other 2 will follow and she will be alone again.
What a bloody nightmare!

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 06/05/2017 19:54

I wouldn't be too hard on her, it's not her fault. It's the other mother's!

MrsJamesMathews · 06/05/2017 19:56

OK, so it's not illegal to give your own child over 5 alcohol at home.

But as this person was giving alcohol to children who aren't hers, without parental permission I would definitely call the police and ask if some law has been broken.

If they're not interested then I would go ape shit on her making it very clear precisely what I thought of her. I'd also make sure everyone I knew knew it too!

PuntasticUsername · 06/05/2017 19:59

"I wouldn't be too hard on her, it's not her fault. It's the other mother's!"

This. Your DD was in a tough spot, under serious peer pressure. In the end, she's done the right thing by telling you what happened. Obviously you're very upset (and I would be myself, in your shoes) but come down too hard on her, and she might not tell you next time!

MycatsaPirate · 06/05/2017 20:00

I would speak to the parents of the others girls. I would also encourage your DD to ditch the host girl. Better to have no friends than friends who will drag you down.

I would also inform the school. Let them make the decision about informing SS on safeguarding issues.

Bloody stupid woman. I'd be fuming. 13 is way too young and it's worrying that this girl managed to drink two bottles? and wasn't ill. Suggests it's not an unusual occurrence.

Original poster
Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 20:01

I have said my piece to dd, I have also discussed the concerns about what peer pressure could lead to. I didn't go crazy at her, but was very blunt about how this could escalate and the major issue of the power of social media! - the fact her 'friend' had pushed her in to doing something then plastered it all over the internet.
I am such a woose when it comes to this part of parenting, inside I feel like running away and letting somebody else deal with it!

OP posts:
CrunchySeaweed · 06/05/2017 20:02

Host most play dates going forwards. No overnights at this particular parents home again (need to do subtly- other things arranged etc). Encourage other friends and ensure parents of other friends have similar values before sleeping over

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2017 20:02

If you read the riot act she will be scared of telling you in the future.

She's clearly had a rough time and she was excited at being accepted and now it's all going wrong again.

The person to be reading the riot act to is the irresponsible mother.

HemanOrSheRa · 06/05/2017 20:05

Don't be too hard on her OP. She tried to do the right thing in difficult circumstances. Actually, she did really well.

I guess there is not much you can realistically do right now except tell the Mum what you think.

Honestly, what was the Mum thinking? These are situatons we may have to sort out but not when they are actively encouraged by parents!

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 06/05/2017 20:06

Dd has struggled with friendships after a long period of being bullied, the host friend is the strongest character in their group of 4 and dd is petrified that if she (or I !) go against this girl then the other 2 will follow and she will be alone again.

All the more reason to keep her away from the host child. Your daughter has a vulnerability, having been bullied and wanting to fit in. This girl is not a good person for her to be around if she is making such questionable choices at 13, enabled by her mother. Your daughter could end up getting roped into much more worrying situations in a year or two. I'd seriously be trying to steer her towards a more suitable peer group, if you are able to.