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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd went on sleepover - Mother of friend had provided alcohol!

107 replies

Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 19:41

This is a WWYD.

Dd (13) went on a sleepover last night to a friends house - 4 girls in total, all aged 13 years and Mother of 1 girl at the sleepover house.
Daughter dropped off at 10.30am this morning by Mother of friend.
This afternoon I get shown a snapchat screenshot by a child in our street, depicting my Dd with a bottle of blue WKD in her hand and it says 'my friend drinking alcohol for the first time' - it had been posted by the friend who had hosted the sleepover.
So, I go banzai at my Dd and ask what on earth went on at the sleepover! Dd breaks down and says Mother hosting sleepover had bought WKD for the girls, thinking it would be fun!? Dd vehement that she kept refusing the offer of trying it, when offered by friend, but friend was getting angry and cross so dd tasted it (friend took photo of this). Dd said to friend that she didn't like it, as did other 2 girls at sleepover - so friend hosting drank the WKD herself and fell asleep.
AIBU to be absolutely fuming at parent of hosting child for buying minors alcohol and thinking it ok to give my child alcohol - without even asking me?!
What should I do? I have no contact number for the Mother, but do know where she lives (obviously).
Sorry if it ses a bit disjointed, but didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
justkeepswimmingg · 06/05/2017 20:08

I think you were too harsh on your DD OP. She told you the truth about what happened when you asked. She also turned down the alcohol originally. Sounds like you've brought her up well, and if you want to keep that kind of relationship with her you need to stay level headed. I understand you are angry that she was provided with the alcohol in the first place, as I would be too considering she's only 13!! But reading her the riot act is only going to scare her from telling you the truth in the future. Peer pressure is sometimes unavoidable, and just remind her to stick up for herself in those kind of situations. And of course that drinking alcohol is illegal at her age, and if/when she wants to drink alcohol (when she's older) she should approach you and not the friends parent. Also let the friends mum know that alcohol was consumed, as she may not be aware, and that you do no want your daughter to be provided with alcohol in future.

CrunchySeaweed · 06/05/2017 20:12

I agree re subtly trying to steer to a different peer group

HemanOrSheRa · 06/05/2017 20:12

Have you got a 'safe text message' in place? It's something I learned here on MN. Obviously you need to deal with this situation but in the future it may help your DD?

pickleypockley · 06/05/2017 20:12

Can you contact the other girls mums? If they are all stopped from seeing the three of them can have their own friendship. I would be proud of your daughter she handled it well x

LauraPalmersBodybag · 06/05/2017 20:13

I'd second the safeguarding concern with the other child. I'm not sure if calling the police would be my first step, but having worked in a secondary school and had sg training, it needs reporting. I'd contact your schools safeguarding officer and run this by them. It might be that the other girl is already known to them, and if not, perhaps she ought to be.

Nicemil1 · 06/05/2017 20:15

She's tells you the truth snd you go ape shit?? Daft.

Have had 4 teenagers and this happens all the time.

Let het know she can always talk to you, she can trust you and it's ok to say no.

Love the 'call the police' post bloody ridiculous

Underbeneathsies · 06/05/2017 20:17

Get that picture deleted for a start.
Go to the school, I think there is a safeguarding issue.

Don't give out to your DD, tackle the other mother if you want to have a go at anyone.
By giving out to your DD you're alienating her and making her more vulnerable.

Get your head out of your you know what and do something to protect your DD rather than blaming her for something beyond her control.

Host some play dates for your DD and step up on getting her to mix with other children. Suit up and show up for her.

Negotiation does not mean confrontation....... being a wuss isn't an option, you do know that, don't you?

FoundNeverland · 06/05/2017 20:17

Why does it need reporting? It's perfectly legal for 13 year olds to drink alcohol at home.

I agree that it's outrageous that your DD was given alcohol without your permission but some people on this thread are getting a tad hysterical.

FoundNeverland · 06/05/2017 20:19

And arrange play dates?! The child is 13 not 3! I'd suggest it is not appropriate for you to arrange your DD's social life at that age.

Verbena37 · 06/05/2017 20:21

Whether it's legal or not, letting them have a wine and lemonade at a wedding isn't really the same thing as buying WKD for your 13 yr olds sleepover.

I'd defo tell the mum it isn't acceptable to do that without your permission and then tell school it's a safeguarding issue.

Angelicinnocent · 06/05/2017 20:22

Disagree with the pp saying that you should contact school, SS or police. Whilst the other parent is a seriously deranged and irresponsible twunt, reporting it anywhere would probably seriously backfire against your DD. Have seen this with a classmate of my DD who was in a similar situation. Although their school is pretty good with bullying, the girl was ostracized, known as a killjoy, grass etc. Well done to your DD for resisting most of the peer pressure, if you think she has taken on board your talk, leave it there

Verbena37 · 06/05/2017 20:24

Actually though, reporting it to school in writing goes as evidence for further things, in case there are other safeguarding issues you don't know about.

Original poster
Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 20:26

I know being a 'wuss' isn't going to help, I was just saying that is how I feel. I have had nigh on 4 years of dealing with primary and secondary schools, OFSTED CIE team, countless governors and aggressive parents (that's without the counselling for dd) - so, I do 'suit up and show up' - Doesn't stop me from feeling like saying fuck it to everything! In hindsight, maybe I was too open on here.

OP posts:
CherryMintVanilla · 06/05/2017 20:26

I do like the phrase "I go banzai", I'm going to try and use that this week!

mathanxiety · 06/05/2017 20:37

It is a huge pity that you went 'banzai' at your DD.

Please, please, please learn to take a very softly, softly approach with her if you want her to tell you what goes on at parties.

You can't 'suit up and show up' when dealing with DCs or you will not be told things that you need to know. Save that for the idiots who supply the booze or for schools that won't deal with problems right under their noses.

What you need to do for now is to establish an agreement with your DD that if she feels uncomfortable in future at a party, she can send you a text (even one with just SOS in it) and you will call her and tell her there is some family emergency or whatever and she heeds to come home. Some subterfuge anyway.. You have to promise no questions asked when you pick her up. You have to establish a climate of trust with your DD in order for her to reach out for you when a limit has been arrived at while she is out of the house. Otherwise she will stay in a situation that has got out of hand, out of fear of having her mum go banzai at her.

You want to limit her exposure to danger, right? Then be sensible and play it smart.

user1493059174 · 06/05/2017 20:39

I would be furious, not with my daughter but with the stupid woman who thought it was a good idea. What message is it giving to these impressionable young women - that you can't enjoy yourself unless you have alcohol. Definitely soft drinks on offer at sleepovers of that age! Don't waste your breath speaking with the unfit mother, but of course never let your daughter visit the home again.

LilQueenie · 06/05/2017 20:43

if the friend who got annoyed at your DD not trying the alcohol is the one who hosted the party then I don't think she will be losing much if they go seperate ways tbh.

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2017 20:50

Hang on, the op saw the image of her child with the drink then went apeshit then her daughter told her. Her daughter didn't front up with the truth here, she told her because her mum saw the pic of her drinking it. The op did nothing wrong. If I got sent s pic of my daughter at 13 drinking I'd go bat shit too.

However agree a bit of peer pressure here and I've no clue what the mother was thinking, totally and utterly irresponsible parenting. It's bad enough when it's your own kid, it's a million times worse when it's someone else's kid

Firstly I'd ask her to verify the truth, did she provide it? Kids bull shit sometimes. If she did, then she would hear it from me.

rogueantimatter · 06/05/2017 20:54

This is what I would do now if I were you (I have an 18 and 20YO btw)

I would tell your DD that you've been thinking about this more and you're sorry you were angry with her. Now that you've had time to think you realise it's friend's mum you were angry with because she encouraged you(DD) to do something that you wouldn't allow.

You understand that your DD was in a difficult situation and you're pleased she told you about it as her safety is your number one priority and whatever she does you'd rather know about it and help her to make good choices.

Ask her if she would like you to tell her friend's mum that you aren't allowed to have any alcohol. If she doesn't want this make sure the friend comes to you instead of your DD going to hers.

Don't demonise the mum in front of your DD. Explain that most mums ask the other mums if their DC are allowed to do things but suggest that DD's friend's mum maybe forgot or didn't think on this occasion.

Tell DD that good friends don't put pressure on their friends to do things they don't want to and that if this friend often behaves like this she must have some issues and should be kept at more of a distance.

Good luck - I'd have been furious too.

Once my then 16YO DD was at a friend's house for dinner when they were having beer with their meal and friend's mum called me to ask if I minded if DD had a beer too. I've done the same. I wouldn't trust WKD mum at all now.

Figgygal · 06/05/2017 20:58

I'd be utterly furious too op but sounds like you've done a great job with your daughter in response

mathanxiety · 06/05/2017 21:03

Bluntness, that is why I suggested a climate of trust must now be built up. My guess is this isn't the first time the OP has been seen to go banzai over things, by the DD.

Children do not trust or confide in adults whose reactions they judge to be a threat to their freedom/autonomy or if they think those reactions make the child feel the parent can't handle things reasonably.

chocolateworshipper · 06/05/2017 21:04

Please, please, please tell the school. This is absolutely a safeguarding issue.

Peanutbutterrules · 06/05/2017 21:07

Well...she's learnt a great lesson about the dangers of the internet and how nothing...nothing is private. That I would be stressing to her.

13 is a crazy age to be giving alcohol too...some people are just nuts.

No more sleepovers there - you can't trust that Mum.

LornaD40 · 06/05/2017 21:08

Definitely speak to school.

sounds like you have taken the right tone with your dd. I wouldn't want to frighten her, in case next time she doesn't tell you.

gregoriesgirl · 06/05/2017 21:11

There is no way a child of mine would be going in that house again, the so called adult in charge can't be trusted.