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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd went on sleepover - Mother of friend had provided alcohol!

107 replies

Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 19:41

This is a WWYD.

Dd (13) went on a sleepover last night to a friends house - 4 girls in total, all aged 13 years and Mother of 1 girl at the sleepover house.
Daughter dropped off at 10.30am this morning by Mother of friend.
This afternoon I get shown a snapchat screenshot by a child in our street, depicting my Dd with a bottle of blue WKD in her hand and it says 'my friend drinking alcohol for the first time' - it had been posted by the friend who had hosted the sleepover.
So, I go banzai at my Dd and ask what on earth went on at the sleepover! Dd breaks down and says Mother hosting sleepover had bought WKD for the girls, thinking it would be fun!? Dd vehement that she kept refusing the offer of trying it, when offered by friend, but friend was getting angry and cross so dd tasted it (friend took photo of this). Dd said to friend that she didn't like it, as did other 2 girls at sleepover - so friend hosting drank the WKD herself and fell asleep.
AIBU to be absolutely fuming at parent of hosting child for buying minors alcohol and thinking it ok to give my child alcohol - without even asking me?!
What should I do? I have no contact number for the Mother, but do know where she lives (obviously).
Sorry if it ses a bit disjointed, but didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 06/05/2017 21:12

Oh they're definitely not kind friends. It's best she learns this now!

notbarry · 06/05/2017 21:12

Personally I think exposure to alcohol from about 13/14 isn't a bad thing if your child is interested - you have control of how much they drink and when, and it completely demystifies the whole thing for them so they (IME) don't go as crazy as most when they hit 16/17/18, HOWEVER as the parent you should definitely have been asked before this happened, and there should have been enough parental supervision that when your DD was uncomfortable there was no chance of peer pressure. I'd talk to the other parent, and explain that that is not the approach you're taking with your DD right now, and make it clear that she is not allowed alcohol.

NuffSaidSam · 06/05/2017 21:13

Going against the grain but I'd chill out a bit tbh.

Obviously, this mum is trying to be the 'cool' mum. Obviously DD can't go there again for a sleepover.

BUT

She had one sip of an alcopop, she didn't inject heroin into her eyeballs.

At 13 there is huge pressure to try drugs and smoking and all sorts and most teenagers do. If you go off the deep end about this your DD is going to be terrified to ever confide in you again. Just let it go. Don't make a massive scene. Don't let her go there again. Maybe tell the other two parents. That's it. Don't give in to Mumsnet led hysteria.

CatThiefKeith · 06/05/2017 21:17

I disagree completely with notBarry. Normalising alcohol is harmful. I am the daughter of an ex publican and had the odd drink/wine with dinner from about 13, as did my sister.

We have both ended up with very unhealthy attitudes to alcohol.

Although I have improved somewhat and have found my 'off switch' since having Dd, I am convinced that if my parents hadn't been so laid back in their attitude to alcohol I would never have though it was normal to drink as much as I did.

MarciaBlaine · 06/05/2017 21:17

My friend and I were frequenting her local pub at 13 and we got bought drinks etc. I wouldn't be all shock horror if someone in these circumstances offered my 13 yo an alcopop. She would refuse probably. Serious conversation about all this is what is required.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 06/05/2017 21:20

I don't think your anger should be targetted at your DD in any way. She was in a difficult situation and she only took a sip, did she?

Yes, the mother shouldn't have done that. So don't let her go there again.

Op, I think staying calm and understanding is important. Or else your DD may be scared to tell you when something similar happens again.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 06/05/2017 21:23

Cat
Alcohol was normalised in my childhood (my grandmother has a vineyard) and I certainly had a few sips or even a small glass from about 13 as well.

I've honestly never had an issue with not having an off-switch or drinking too much.

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 21:25

I'd be furious with the parent not the daughter.

I had alcohol at friends houses for Beith day parties from 14 but it was agreed with parents that they'd stock beer and WKD/Smirnoff. We could have 1 or 2 each with food over the evening but that was it and parents were in at all times. Decision was made because all parents felt that monitored alcohol was better than us sneaking off to try it or smuggling a bottle of spirits etc.

The mother doing that without your permission is not on.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2017 21:27

Yanbu.

This afternoon I witnessed with some other drivers a young boy of 14 ride head first into a lamppost cutting his head quite significantly. We all stopped (I'm first aid trained). Turns out his confused state was due to drinking a pint (or at least that's all he admitted to) at his friends sisters house.

It's just so unnecessary.

Daydream007 · 06/05/2017 21:29

I'd be fuming with the mother. What an idiot!

Daydream007 · 06/05/2017 21:33

My dad had a very relaxed attitude to drinking. It did me more harm than good. Children so young shouldn't be encourage to drink.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 06/05/2017 21:34

Btw the mother's behaviour was really unacceptable. But I really think you should be very kind to your DD.

Sleepdeprivedredhead · 06/05/2017 21:35

Alert ss or school if you feel that's too much that this child is foisting alcohol on her friends. Classic sign of abuse to have such age inappropriate behaviours.
Get copy of picture. Email to her and the other parents titled "[name]'s idea of looking after our children"

Original poster
Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 21:36

Thank you for all your input.
I have spoken too dd again and explained that my big issue is with the facts that she didn't contact me when she felt vulnerable (unusual for her as she has always called me when in tricky situations) and also that she didn't tell me what had happened when she got home this morning. I have reiterated that my only concern is that she is safe and knows when to call me for 'back up' so to speak.
I don't go banzai on a regular basis (as one poster queried this above) and, thankfully, after supporting dd through a few crap years - we do have a pretty good relationship overall when it comes to honesty and trust. She has said her and the other 2 girls were scared of the host friend and felt like they had to go along with it - we have talked extensively again, about peer pressure and not giving in - getting out.

OP posts:
user1484578224 · 06/05/2017 21:46

call the police hilarious!

HoldBackTheRain · 06/05/2017 21:46

Contacting the school for something that happened outside out school isn't something I think OP should do. Tell the mother she should have asked you if you were ok with the alcohol being there - absolutely - but social services I think is an over reaction. Other mother should have checked with you 100%. How is this an issue for the school though?

chantico · 06/05/2017 21:54

Your DD may be minimising what happened.

It's hard, when there is a history of social difficulties, to encourage your DD to step back from those friends she does have, but that is something to think about.

Unihorn · 06/05/2017 21:54

Definitely don't contact the police or school, that's insane. I think Year 10 was the first stage of drinking at house parties in my school but I do remember stealing lambrini (hahaha) at a friend's house when we were in Year 9. WKD contains 4% alcohol so even if she drank more than a sip it's likely to have opened the gates to smack.

I agree that an open discussion with her was enough. I would be pissed at the mother but I don't think I could have worked myself up about it that much.

crouchenddadder · 06/05/2017 22:06

Persephone, if you drink alcohol, what was your age when you had your first drink? This will help a little with the context.

Original poster
Persephone70 · 06/05/2017 22:15

I was 16, Champagne at a family wedding for the toasts!

OP posts:
khajiit13 · 06/05/2017 22:20

I think you've been too hard on your DD. You're an adult and can see the whole picture. But for her this is her friends, her life, her whole world. She had a sip and said no thanks. She's been very sensible IMO and did very well in a tough situation. Give her more credit

khajiit13 · 06/05/2017 22:25

If she had called you/text you and ended up going home she would most likely be ostracised by her friends, especially if the other two friends were under peer pressure, they will most likely go along with the 'ring leader', rightly or wrongly. Maybe a good result in your eyes but if shes suffered with friendship groups it would be really hard for her. She said no and now you know no more sleepovers at X's house.

Astro55 · 06/05/2017 22:40

The law is a grey area

It is not illegal:
For someone over 18 to buy a child over 16 beer, wine or cider if they are eating a table meal together in licensed premises
It is not illegal:
For someone over 18 to buy a child over 16 beer, wine or cider if they are eating a table meal together in licensed premises.
For a child aged five to 16 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises.
For a child aged five to 16 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises.

But
It is against the law1 2:
To sell alcohol to someone under 18 anywhere.
For an adult to buy or attempt to buy alcohol on behalf of someone under 18. (Retailers can reserve the right to refuse the sale of alcohol to an adult if they’re accompanied by a child and think the alcohol is being bought for the child.)

No laws were broken - but I don't think nuts right

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 06/05/2017 22:52

I think you dealt with it well OP. You had a discussion with your DD about why it wasn't ok and what to do another time. And she did pretty well too, for a 13 year old who isn't very confident, in a tough situation. I agree you should keep her away from this friend, putting pressure on the girls to drink was awful. Tough though it will be, I think you should tell the mum you are really unhappy - maybe by text is easier? And that you won't be allowing your DD to stay over again as a result. Do you know the parents of the other girls? Could a joint response be possible? Most parents will have the same response as you. Keep communication open with your DD though, she needs to know you are on her side and will help if she feels backed into a corner like this.

poisonedbypen · 06/05/2017 22:59

It's funny how times change. I think you are absolutely right to be cross, it's simply not appropriate. Then I remember that at the age of 12 I went to France with my friend & her family & we were given wine (watered down admittedly) with dinner as a matter of routine. Is it so different?