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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never accept an invite from this couple again?

153 replies

smileygrapefruit · 04/05/2017 23:04

Dh and I are friends with another couple but not terribly close mainly just due to busy lives, we mainly see each other for our young children's birthdays and the occasional party/wedding however over the last few months we have been invited over for drinks at theirs nearly every week. We have accepted and attended 3 times since February. I'm pregnant so not drinking therefore when the drinking started getting out of hand I made our excuses to leave boring pregnant lady

Anyway, Dh went out with the husband tonight (let's call him Dave). There was a group of 5 men and apparently Dave was already pretty pissed when dh arrived. The conversation then took a strange turn when Dave told the group that him and his wife have started swinging! He goes in to town to pick up people (couples or single men or women) and takes them home to his wife. Ok, fine, whatever floats your boat. BUT, then it got really weird with him propositioning dh and the other guys, "ahhh, go on, it's just a bit of fun. You can fuck my wife and I can fuck yours" etc etc. Dh has just come home a bit shellshocked saying that's literally all Dave spoke about for 2 hours and he had to be quite firm in the end saying you are not having sex with my wife!

Honestly, we're meant to be going to theirs in a fortnight and I don't know if I can!!! Apparently they have already lost one set of friends because of this. If you're going to do it, fine, but surely you keep friendships separate? I feel so awkward about seeing them!

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 05/05/2017 07:16

I've put wicker hearts in my kitchen window....I thought they looked cute.....they hang above the fruit bowl

I hope you have got your fruit arranged in the traditional "two apples and a banana" pattern, Fallen

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/05/2017 07:25

I just wouldn't see them again. Dh has a colleague who is into this with his fiancée. The wedding invitation has been declined.

Mostly because we can't see the point in getting married 😳

Falconhoof1 · 05/05/2017 07:33

Not rtwt but we had friends like this. They are lovely people, great fun, but it would all get really weird when they got too drunk. We knew they had an open/swinging relationship but although they knew that we didn't and weren't interested, after drinking they seemed to forget and were all over us. We avoid them now.

healthyheart · 05/05/2017 07:45

Coronation Street anyone? 🤔

GlassSeahorse · 05/05/2017 07:54

Could be worse, OP. My parents once went to a party that my dad's colleague invited them too. They weren't told it was a swingers bash until things started happening around them. They didn't bother to make excuses, they just left.

DH is a health care professional and one of his patients kindly invited him and me to their weekend swingers gathering.

Seems like there's a lot of it about.

GiraffeorOcelot · 05/05/2017 07:58

YANBU OP! But you have given me a this morning!

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 05/05/2017 08:17

My ex was once invited to a swingers' party without me! To his credit, he declined.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2017 08:19

Ewwww. No thank you. I'd not want to go to theirs again either. Brilliant thread though.

wizzywig · 05/05/2017 08:46

Its like an mlm version of swingers. Invite to party, force them to party. Every recruit means more points!

rightwhine · 05/05/2017 08:46

You do have to go to the next one you've already agreed to. You have no choice. It would be rude not to go - to us, not them, as you now have a moral obligation to update us on what happens.

Nutterfly · 05/05/2017 09:02

I think everyone saying that it's just an invitation are missing the point. It wasn't just an invitation. It was Dave going on about it for two hours and the OPs DH having to get very firm in his 'Nos'.
Asking is fine, but going on about it after DH said no and made it clear you were not interested is just sex-pesty.

TheElephantofSurprise · 05/05/2017 09:17

Another good laugh from MN!
I'm not saying I don't believe you, OP. I lived on a swingers' estate when I was a young married woman - mercifully, my husband didn't fancy the middle-aged neighbours any more than I did.

RiversrunWoodville · 05/05/2017 09:19

Oh I was about to innocently buy wicker hearts as a housewarming gift

CherryMintVanilla · 05/05/2017 09:45

I think you should decline. People can do whatever they like in their private lives, but a man who spends two hours trying to convince his friends to 'swing' with him and his wife is not going to be put off easily.

In your place I think I would maintain phone contact with her, but stop seeing them socially. Her husbands approach is going to scare away most of her friends.

TaraCarter · 05/05/2017 09:46

Sorry to be a dampener on proceedings, but I'm not sure they're swingers. Swinging is consensual. Not my thing in a million years, but it is consensual.

The bloke is evidently very into the idea of other men having sex with his wife and having sex with his friends' wives, and last night he was trying to get permission to have sex with various women in the future by asking their husbands. Not sure OP's DH has the final say on it, does he?

He could be a very, very drunk swinger who will be mortified in the morning, who truly gets that only enthusiastic consent is consent, and a wife who is an equal partner in their new hobby.

But, also, he could be an abusive arsehole who has emotionally manipulated his wife into going along with this to save their marriage, who doesn't see the issue with offering up his wife's body to his mates on a night out, and didn't consult her first.

TaraCarter · 05/05/2017 10:00

This kind of thing does happen.

In fact, three men were once successfully convicted of rape, after they accepted such an invitation from a man after a night out, after he claimed to them that his wife was into that kind of thing, but would feign protest as part of the protest. Court summaries of the time describe the marriage as having been on "poor terms" before he arranged for three men to rape her, which always struck me as very mealy-mouthed.

Caution: very triggering

TaraCarter · 05/05/2017 10:01

*feign protest as part of role-play.

BadToTheBone · 05/05/2017 10:27

Aw shit, I have a gorgeous wicker heart I hang outside at Christmas, that's going in the bin. I seriously don't want to see Stan from number 26 in a leather thong!

Original poster

smileygrapefruit · 05/05/2017 10:36

Those who are assuming middle aged etc, we're not. We're all in our late 20s/early 30s. Married and most of the group have dc.

From what I gather having been trying to get more information gossiping this morning the wife is very much on board. She has lost one of her best friends because she suggested it to her with her husband.

Tbh I think we'll keep up with the playdates, for the children, not the kind they're thinking of (!) and social events but will have to decline any invitations to their house.

By the sound of it Dave was pretty drunk last night so might be totally mortified!

OP posts:

BuffyTheSpikeLayer · 05/05/2017 10:53

Woah.
We have friends - new friends maybe 12 months - have been invited for meals and drinks loads of times, but they don't have kids and we do so have only been a couple of times due to babysitters etc.
They always get drunk, very drunk don't get me wrong we like a few but they get sloshed.
DH always always comments that they get a bit tactile,
I just thought they were friendly.
They have a hanging basket.
Fuck.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 05/05/2017 11:33

I'm friends with a married couple who were Swingers when we were all in our 20s.

It didn't faze me, to each their own and all that. But that worked, because they told us they Swing, and that was the end of it.
There was never a situation where one of them said "We're swingers...so why don't you come home and shag DH with me?"
It was alluded to, once, that if I wanted to, I'd only have to say the word
And then, they never mentioned me or swinging in the same sentence again.

If they'd pressed the issue I'd have distanced myself too, OP. To pester someone who's already said they don't want to have sex with you or your wife is sexual harassment. Friend or not.

So YANBU.

A man who tries to push his sexual preferences onto unwilling friends by repeatedly pestering to sleep with their wives, and offering his own oblivious DW in exchange?
I'd run for the hills.

Kidakidder · 05/05/2017 12:12

BuffyTheSpikeLayer
They have a hanging basket. Fuck.

Pissing myself!!!

TheKrakenSmith · 05/05/2017 12:34

Off topic, but it is way more common than people think, unless my mates are weird. Most of them are in open marriages/relationships. Me and Dh are one the very few mono couples I know.

WaitingYetAgain · 05/05/2017 13:51

I don't understand why they don't just tell you they are now swinging and leave it up to you and your DH to say 'oh yes, we do it too' or 'we've always wondered what it was like/wanted to do it' or whatever. I don't get why they need to directly ask people, as surely if you were interested and knew they were into it, you'd address your own 'desires/interests' with them?

The way they are going about it, it is as if they are trying to convert people! This seems a sure fire way to make people uncomfortable and lose their friends.

ProseccoBitch · 05/05/2017 13:56

Oh wow, how awkward. I would cancel immediately and never go to their house again, and only see them at more public social gatherings.

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